


Then and Again

by loveisgravity



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/F, Facebook, Fluff, Gender Identity Disorder, Gender Realignment Therapy, Law Student Nicole Haught, Nicole Haught/ Xavier Dolls BroTP, Slow Burn, Two timelines, mild violence, psychiatric hospital
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 151,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveisgravity/pseuds/loveisgravity
Summary: Two timelines, both alike in dignity, in fair America, where we lay our scene... (coughs loudly) Sorry, I had some Shakespeare stuck in my throat.1993: Teenage Nicole Haught meets the gang, but instead of Purgatory, it’s at a children’s psychiatric hospital in Indiana.2008: Law Student Nicole Haught is messing around on Facebook and finds a Waverly Hardy.  Could that be the same girl she met, way back when, in the hospital?





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have done some substantial editing of this chapter since its initial posting in September. I recommend reading it again, just in case. Couple bigger changes: 1. I replaced Doc with OC Dan becuase I didn’t like Doc’s voice in this setting. It felt distracting. 2. I changed the hospital location to Indiana. Not a major plot point, but streamlined the story a bit down the road.
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger Warning: Depictions of depression and gender correction therapy. Discussions of suicide. 
> 
> Thanks for your patience.

Chapter 1

2008:  
Nicole’s fingers drummed nervously next to her keyboard; the happy blue Facebook banner stretched across the top of her monitor. She stared at the small thumbnail image, a woman with long brown hair holding a baby wrapped in a white blanket. The smile stretched out across the woman’s face, lifting her eyes into shining half moons, was what she recognized in the tiny image. 

Nicole looked up from her computer and glanced around her office. Calling it an office was being generous, Nicole realized, it was only a small nook just off her living room with her desk and a half bookshelf shoved in. The towering stack of law books sitting next to her elbow reminded her that she should be studying. With two years of her law degree under her belt, Nicole knew how the game worked. Instead, her eyes were drawn back to the tiny square image. 

It had been so long since she’d seen her. She didn’t recognize the last name, Waverly Hardy. So maybe she’s married, maybe she’s straight now? The thought caused her to pull her other hand off of the mouse. A little white arrow blinked expectantly over the “Send Friend Request” button. 

Maybe she won’t remember me, she thought. Even if she does, she won’t feel the same. So much time has passed. 

Her finger tapped next to the keyboard. 

But that smile, though. Nicole closed her eyes and thought back. That smile. Her hand twitched and her knee jumped. It was so close, she wanted to hit send, she wanted to find out. She’d found so many people from high school, reconnected, rediscovered friendships, so why wouldn’t Waverly want to hear from her?

Nicole placed her hand in her lap, her thumb instinctively found the pulse point at her hip. She could feel her heart beat right through her clothes. Nicole took a deep breath. Even if Waverly didn’t remember her, even if she didn’t feel the same, even if she was straight... It was still worth it.

Nicole brought her finger over the return button and hit send before she could rethink it. 

The words on screen changed to “request sent.” Nicole collapsed back in her chair and looked around her room. It’s done. No going back now.

 

1993:  
The maroon sign at the crossroad read “Walter Lee Hope Hospital for Children.” A dense forest crowded the road on either side of the narrow driveway. Nicole couldn’t see the building and the thick expanse of trees felt like a bad omen. Why was this place hidden from view on a small road buried in the farmland on the outskirts of Indianapolis? It seemed sketchy, very “Silence of the Lambs.” She pushed her chin length, red hair firmly behind her ears.

From her peripheral vision, Nicole saw her mom glance over. Nicole closed her eyes and held her breath for a moment. She felt the light squeeze of her mom’s hand on her thigh. “It’s going to be ok, darling. Everything’s going to be ok.”

That was about the 100th time she had said that on the car ride over, and Nicole wondered if she was trying to reassure herself more than Nicole. 

Instead of responding, Nicole ignored the hand on her thigh and studied the trees outside. They were just a jumble of bare branches, patches of snow on the ground mirroring the overcast sky above. Her mom removed her hand, and Nicole felt a small flicker of gratitude. The world outside almost looked black and white in the stark December morning. 

Then the driveway turned sharply to the right and once they were around the bend, the hospital came into view for the first time. The single story building stretched out like a drab 1970’s elementary school. 

Nicole’s mom parked near the entrance and let out a heavy sigh. “Trust me, this is going to be ok. You’ll only be here for a short time, then you’ll be back home and feeling better than ever.”

Nicole snorted out a laugh and shook her head in disbelief. She must fucking love the smell of her own farts, she thought, still refusing to make eye contact with her mom.

“Let’s get your bags out of the trunk, hopefully they’ll show us where we need to take them.” Nicole heard the driver’s side door open and then felt the cold gush of air fill the car. Reluctantly, Nicole grabbed the door handle, sighed, and pushed open her door. 

Nicole’s shoe crunched through a patch of dirty, packed snow on the parking lot as she walked around to the rear of the car. She grabbed her duffel bag from the trunk and her mom picked up her backpack. 

“This looks like a nice place. So quiet. I sort of wish I could be staying here, too.” Her mom spoke, looking over the front of the building. “It kind of looks like a summer camp, doesn’t it?”

“Not really.” Nicole said, curtly. She hoisted the duffel onto her shoulder and trudged off to the front door leaving her mom behind. 

“Nicole, wait.” 

Nicole stopped and rolled her eyes. Here it comes, she thought.

“Look honey, I know this isn’t what you want, but I really think it’s for the best. I just hope you can use this time to start to feel better, more confident, more beautiful. You are so beautiful, darling, and I want you to feel that way, too.” Her mom was on the verge of tears, Nicole could hear it in her voice, but she still didn’t turn around to face her. “You are so special and so wonderful, and it makes me sad...” her mom’s voice cracked.

Yup, thought Nicole, here it is.

“It makes me sad that you don’t feel the same way. We tell you all the time, your father and I, we tell you how beautiful you are, but it doesn’t seem to help.” Her voice faltered. “I just hope you’ll listen to them, they know what they’re doing. They’ve seen this before and worked with kids just like you all the time. I just hope you’ll listen to them...” She paused for a moment. 

Guilt in 3...2...1...

“Because it seems like you won’t listen to us. Your father and I love you so much. We just want what’s best for you.”

As tempted as Nicole was to respond, she knew it would go nowhere. So why bother. They’d had this conversation so many times before: Why won’t you wear more dresses, why don’t you like to wear makeup, why won’t you walk more lady-like, why, why why? We try so hard; your grandmother buys you the prettiest clothes; there’s more to life than soccer, you know.

Nicole steeled her expression and walked off to the front door. If she had to be here, she’d at least do it on her own terms, and right now that meant not talking to her mom.

A burst of heat and sickeningly sweet room deodorizer hit Nicole when she walked through the front door. Her mom was close on her heels. She took in the large entry that was split between a waiting room and reception desk. The middle-aged woman sitting behind the front desk greeted them with a wide smile.

“How may I help you?”

“I’m Patricia Haught and I’m here with my daughter, Nicole. We’re here to meet Dr. Lucado and get her checked in.” Again, Nicole refused to look at her mom, but she could hear the smile. The cheeriness in her mom’s voice felt as fake as all the trees around the waiting room. 

“Of course. Why don’t you have a seat, and I’ll let her know you’re here.” The receptionist said.

Nicole dropped her bag next to a love seat and sat down in the middle taking up as much space as possible. Her mom walked up to Nicole and ran her fingers through Nicole’s hair, drawing it out to lay down along her cheek. Nicole shrugged away and quickly placed it back behind her ear. Patricia sat down on the couch nearby. 

“You look prettier when you don’t hide all that beautiful red hair, honey.” 

Nicole pretended that she didn’t hear her and stared out at the room.

A couple minutes later, Nicole looked up as she heard the clack of high heels hitting the tile floor. From the hallway, emerged a tall woman. She was slender, almost eating-disorder skinny, and had blonde hair pulled up in a tight bun. She wore a smile that made the icy look in her eyes send a chill down Nicole’s spine. 

She held out her long arm to Nicole’s mom, “I’m Dr. Lucado.”

“It’s so nice to meet you.” Nicole’s mom greeted her sweetly.

Dr. Lucado’s hard flash of smile caused Nicole’s mom to flinch back a bit. “Lovely.” The doctor’s voice was anything but. “I’m the head psychiatrist here at Hope Hospital. I oversee the therapy programs in the residential units and conduct one on one evaluations of incoming patients. I’ll be the person interviewing Nicole.”

Agreeing to go to the hospital suddenly felt like a really bad decision, not that Nicole had much choice in the matter. It was the only way to get out of going to school. 

Dr. Lucado turned to look at Nicole. Her dark blue eyes momentarily pierced Nicole’s silent bravado and she felt a shudder run through her body. 

“Do you have any questions for me, Nicole?” Asked Dr. Lucado.

This woman did not invite confidences, and it made Nicole question why she decided to become a psychiatrist in the first place. Nicole thought better of asking that question and instead asked, “Why is this called Hope Hospital?”

“I thought that would be obvious.” Dr. Lucado flashed a sharp grin. “We want our patients to feel hope when they are here.” 

“Then why does the sign out front say Walter Lee Hope Hospital?” Nicole asked, keeping her face as neutral as possible.

Dr. Lucado’s expression turned darker. “Because Walter Lee Hope was the name of the founding psychiatrist who opened this center.” 

“So it isn’t about hope for children.” Nicole challenged.

“Nicole!” Her mom spat out, turning to her in horror.

“It’s ok Patricia.” Dr. Lucado said, without turning her gaze from Nicole. “She’s allowed to express her opinions here. We strive to make the children under our care as comfortable as possible talking about their feelings. It’s the only way to start healing.” And there was that icy smile again.

“In answer to your question, Nicole, it is both: the name of the founder and also our philosophy here at Hope.” 

Unlikely, thought Nicole, but she kept quiet.

Dr. Lucado led them back to one of the residential units, while explaining how the hospital worked.

“This is the high school unit. Only children ages 14-18 are allowed to stay here. There are other wings for younger children, but we find that the older patients have unique issues that don’t mix well with the younger children.” Dr. Lucado was saying as she led them down the beige hallway. 

They came to a door, and Dr. Lucado inserted a key after typing a passcode on the panel next to the door. 

“We have many layers of security here to ensure the safety of all the patients. We know it’s important to both our patients as well as our parents that all children will be protected from any harm that could come from themselves or another patient.”

“Are there any risks from other patients?” Nicole’s mom asked in concern.

“We’ve never had an incident in which one patient was able to harm another. Our staff are specially trained to recognize the warning signs and step in to de-escalate a fight, and if need be, safely restrain a patient before they are able to do any harm to themselves or others.” Dr. Lucado said confidently.

“How often does that occur?” Asked her mom. Nicole was secretly grateful, she was wondering the same thing.

“Not very often, maybe only a couple incidents per month. The staff are top notch, they can step in and intervene well before the children even think to become violent.” 

As they stepped into the unit, the three were greeted by cursing coming from two small rooms just inside. The two doors stood side by side. Framed within the tiny window in the top of one door was the upper portion of a girl’s face with longer, almost black hair and piercing eyes narrowed with fury.

A muffled “FUCK. Fucking Fuckers,” was leaking through the thick door of the first room.

In the window of the second room, bobbed the head of a smaller girl, her lighter brown hair bouncing as she jumped up high enough to see out of the window. “Shit fucking... asshole kissing... son of a... bison licker...” The expletives burst out in a ridiculously cute, high pitched voice. 

A 30-something man with light skin, dark hair and handsome features sat in a chair between the two doors and wore a bemused expression. 

“The Earp sisters?” Asked Dr. Lucado, with a hint of amusement as she passed him. The curse words still poured from both doors, the girl in the second room still jumping up, pausing to swear when she could see out of the window. The man smiled and gave Lucado a slight nod and laughed as he shook his head.

“My apologies. Those are our “Calm Down Rooms,” or CDR for short. If a patient gets a little worked up, they can go into the CDR to cool off without any worry about harming themselves or others.”

“I thought that was an unusual occurrence.” Said Nicole’s mom, pointing in the direction of the CDRs.

“Violence on the unit is unusual, but from time to time, some of our patients need a safe place to burn off their anger. We treat children with anger management issues, and so the CDR is necessary for them to safely release those emotions.”

“So those two girls are in there voluntarily?” Her mom asked.

“Unfortunately with those two, probably not, but most times patients can request to spend time in there to blow off steam. It’s how they demonstrate that they are better under control of their anger. We encourage our children to find positive ways to express their feelings.”

Nicole stole a quick glance back over her shoulder at the CDRs and the face appearing and disappearing from view. Dr. Lucado led them into a large room that was set up like a classroom. There were several rows of school desks lined up in the middle of the room. Surrounding the back walls were a series of faded blue couches. Dr. Lucado walked over, pulled out a desk chair, turned it to face one couch then motioned for Nicole and her mom to sit. 

“Before we move on to the intake interview, I’ll need to take your bags, Nicole. We have to search the belongings of all patients for any contraband items. As you might imagine, we need to take possession of anything that could be used to harm yourself. As you progress through the program, you’ll have a chance to earn some of these items back, but in the beginning, we confiscate all potentially dangerous items. We like to do the search with the parents, so that we can explain why any items are taken away, and give you a chance to bring home anything that will never be allowed on our campus.” Dr. Lucado explained.

Just then a heavy knock came from the door. A different man poked his head in. He had fair skin, lighter, curly hair, and wide smile. He looked to be younger, maybe in his twenties.

“Hi, I’m Steve, one of the staff here at Hope.” He said as he walked in the classroom. He stepped up to Nicole’s mom and shook her hand.

“Patricia, and this is Nicole.” She greeted the new man. 

“I hear we’re doing an intake.” He clapped his hands together in excitement, his smile growing wider. He looked at Nicole. “Depression or anger?” He asked like he hoped to find out what she wanted for Christmas.

Dr. Lucado cleared her voice. “Steve, I haven’t started the intake yet. I need you to go through her belongings.” 

“Sure thing.” He sounded way too excited. Nicole grimaced as he picked up her bags and walked over to a different couch and unzipped her duffle bag. He started to separate out all of the things in the bag into two piles. 

“So tell me Nicole,” Dr. Lucado’s voice pulled Nicole’s attention away from Steve pilfering through her stuff. “Can you tell me why you’re here?”

Nicole’s mom jumped in. “She’s become so withdrawn...”

“I want to hear from Nicole, please.” 

Her mom looked like a tick ready to burst, but nodded her head and sat back into the couch with her arms folded across her chest.

“I don’t know.” Nicole mumbled. She turned her attention back to Steve. He had opened her backpack and was pulling out her school notebooks.

“You have no idea why you’re here?” Dr. Lucado’s voice had softened. Nicole glanced back at her. Dr. Lucado’s blue eyes were burrowing into her, but not unkindly. The shift in her body language threw Nicole. 

“Maybe I’ve been a little sad lately.”

“Tell her about the thing.” Nicole’s mom interjected.

“What thing?” Nicole screwed up her face. 

Her mom turned to Dr. Lucado, “She asked about death. She wanted to know what happens when we die.” She reached out her arm to wrap around Nicole’s shoulders.

“Mom, what the hell?” Nicole pulled away. 

“And she refuses to go to school.” Her mom added.

Dr. Lucado turned to Nicole. “Do you want to hurt yourself?”

“No!” 

“Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?”

“No,” Nicole said exasperated. 

“She was asking a lot of questions about death and it really scared me. Then she refused to go to school.” Her mom jumped in again.

“I did not ask questions about death. When was that?” Nicole asked pointedly.

“A couple weeks ago, and then you became so withdrawn. You stopped hanging out with friends, you spend all of your time locked up in your room.”

“I have homework, and the reason I’m not hanging out with my friends is because the soccer season is over.” Nicole shot back.

“That’s another thing, she only cares about soccer. It’s like nothing else even matters to her.”

Nicole slumped down in the couch and folded her arms across her chest. This was ridiculous, she thought. What does liking soccer have to do with anything.

“We never see her. She refuses to eat dinner with us, she just spends all her time in her room, listening to her Walkman. It’s like she’s a ghost in our home.” Her mom broke down into tears, Dr. Lucado stood up and brought over a box of tissues.

“Nicole, your mom seems to be really afraid for you. Would you say that you’ve been withdrawing from your family?”

Nicole frowned. “Maybe.” She grumbled out. I’m a fucking teen, of course I’m withdrawing from my family, she wanted to add.

“Have you been isolating yourself from friends?” Dr. Lucado asked.

What friends? She thought. Nicole scowled into the corner of the room.

“Can you tell me what’s been happening at school?”

A panic washed over Nicole. What did she know about that? 

“It sounds like there have been a few incidents?” Dr. Lucado tried again.

Nicole sank even further into the cushion and closed her eyes. Maybe if she pretended she wasn’t there, they’d leave her alone. 

“Nicole, darling, it’s ok. You can tell her. She’s here to help you.” Her mom’s voice was wavering.

Nicole felt the pressure in the room weighing down on her. Even with her eyes firmly closed, she could still see her mom and Dr. Lucado staring at her. 

“Nicole, tell me what happened at school. Why are you refusing to go back?” Dr. Lucado’s voice was soft. The only other sound in the room was Steve shifting things into and out of her bags. Nicole kept her eyes shut.

“Everyone’s making fun of me.” She half whispered.

“What are they saying to you?” Dr. Lucado’s voice was syrupy sweet.

“They make fun of my clothes. They call me a farmer.” The darkness behind her eyes helped her to open up.

“Anything else?” 

“There’s a group of guys who kick me, trip me in the halls, dump my books.” Nicole heard her mom shift in her seat.

“Do they say anything to you?” Dr. Lucado asked.

Nicole felt her chest rise and fall with her breathing. Everything was black behind her eyes. The room was very quiet, she couldn’t hear Steve moving anymore. It was like the world had stopped spinning for just this one moment, and she could finally get off this crazy train ride called her life. She wasn’t in school, so she was safe from that. She wasn’t at home, so she didn’t have to pretend to be someone she wasn’t. This moment was just for her. And the honesty slipped out.

“Lez.”

“I understand. Thank you, Nicole. I have a question for you: do you agree that you haven’t been feeling your normal self lately?”

Nicole kept her eyes closed as she ran her finger over the hangnail on her thumb.

“You seem quite withdrawn right now. How would you feel about spending a few weeks with us, we can help you find new strategies for dealing with your feelings, get you situated on medications if you need any, and help pull you out of this funk you’re in.” She paused, waiting for a response. 

Nicole opened her eyes to look at Dr. Lucado.

“It’s not a weakness to ask for help. Everyone needs help dealing with these feelings. What we provide is a safe space to really explore why you’re feeling these things and provide new ways of coping with them. These are big feelings and we’re here to help guide you through them.”

A break from existence didn’t sound so bad. A break from school. A break from all of it.

Nicole nodded her head. She heard her mom begin to cry again.

“So, are you willing to stay and participate in our program. You’ll find that we have many teenagers here who are going through very similar things. You aren’t alone.”

Again, Nicole nodded.

“I’ll need you to sign the intake documents for yourself. You’re old enough to make that decision.” Dr. Lucado said.

“Do I have a choice?” Nicole asked.

“Your mom does have the authority to sign for you, but it always looks better for a patient to sign themselves in. If necessary, I also have the authority involuntarily commit you if I feel like you are at risk for harming yourself, but that requires a court order and would become a part of your permanent record. That’s the last option.”

So I don’t have a choice. 

Nicole let out a long breath. “Fine. I’ll sign.”

“Good choice.” Dr. Lucado smiled at her, and stood up. “I’ll get the paperwork together and Steve can show you what he’s found.” She walked out of the classroom. 

Steve waved Nicole and her mom over to where he was sitting. Her mom popped up, wiping the last of her tears away, and let out a pent up breath that sounded relieved. Nicole shook her head in disgust and slowly peeled herself out of the couch and walked over to Steve.

He had a pile of her things sitting on the floor. The rest of her stuff had been put back into the bags. Steve looked up at her as she stood next to the pile of her belongings.

“Ok, so we have a lot of rules about things you can and can’t have while on the unit. All new, incoming patients are required to be on FMI, that’s Five Minute Intervals. A staff person has to physically see you once every five minutes. It’s for your safety, to make sure you don’t try to harm yourself. But that also means while you’re in the bathroom, or taking a shower. So I recommend going to the bathroom quickly while you’re on FMI. With the showers, we’ll have a female member of staff check in on you.” 

Nicole blanched and stared down at her pile. Sitting off to the side was her Walkman and small collection of tapes. She shook her head. She didn’t like seeing them in the pile. Those were her most important possessions of all time. 

“As for these items,” Steve continued. “These are things you can’t have right now, some you can’t have at all while you are here.” He held up her wire bound notebooks. “The wire in the notebooks can be used to harm yourself. We can’t risk either you or someone else getting a hold of these, so they’ll have to go home with mom. Also, the tape player. We have very strict rules about what kinds of music you can listen to on the unit. We don’t allow any music that is depressing, violent, talks about drugs or sex, that sort of thing. We have a list of approved music in our dining room.”

Nicole started to feel a little unsteady. She reached back for the couch behind her and slowly sat down.

“You can earn your tape player back as you advance through the program and climb to higher levels. At level 3, you can have a person music player. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We have levels here, you start off on level 1 and FMIs. When you progress to level 2, you come off of FMIs and earn some new privileges. Every level has new privileges and expectations for behavior.”

Nicole’s head was spinning. No music at all. She stared at her yellow Walkman. She fell asleep listening to music, how would she sleep? How would she get through a day, that was the only thing that kept her going. She could disappear into her music.

Suddenly, Nicole felt her vision going tight, her head was cotton, and she couldn’t move. “I think...” she tried to say before her vision disappeared altogether.

The next thing she knew, she was waking up on the floor. Steve and her mom were hovering over her. 

“Here she is. She’s coming back to us.” Nicole fuzzily heard Dr. Lucado’s voice. There were hands on her shoulders pulling her up into a sitting position. Then a woman with long black hair tied back in a loose ponytail and dark brown eyes stooped down in front of her. She had a stethoscope around her neck and a small pen flashlight in her hand. 

“I’m Rosita, one of the psychiatric nurses here.” She flashed the light in her eyes. “Are feeling better?” 

Nicole nodded. 

“Everything is a little overwhelming, huh?” She smiled kindly at Nicole, her brown eyes shining with sympathy. “You haven’t taken any drugs or had any alcohol before arriving?” She asked.

“No.” Nicole said, still a little shaky. 

“Good. I just need to take your blood pressure. Can you pull your arm out of the sweater?” 

Nicole shifted her arm out of the bulky sweater as Rosita prepared the cuff and stethoscope. 

“Are you feeling alright, sweetie?” Nicole’s mom took her free hand, and Nicole pulled it back. She saw the hurt expression on her mom’s face, but Nicole didn’t want her touching her right then. 

“Patricia, why don’t you and I go over some of the paperwork while Rosita is looking after Nicole. I think the worst is over.” Dr. Lucado said. She directed Nicole’s mom to the other side of the classroom. 

“Your pressure is still a little low, so don’t stand up too fast, but I think you’ll be ok. Do you faint often?” Rosita asked.

“No, that was the first time.” 

“Don’t worry about it. You’re probably on a bit of an emotional overload. I need to do a quick checkup and some blood work. Are you ok while having your blood drawn? Actually on second thought, I’ll have you lie down for that part. I don’t need you keeling over again.” She chuckled lightly.

Nicole still felt like she was swimming. “Why do you need blood work?”

“We check you for drug use, alcohol, and to get a baseline in case you need to be medicated.” Rosita answered like this was totally normal.

“Do some of the kids here take drugs?” Nicole asked.

“Actually, most have at least tried them. Have you never tried any drugs?” 

“I’m a soccer player. I wouldn’t do that to my body. Plus, I don’t even know where I’d get them.” Nicole said, before Rosita placed a thermometer in her mouth.

“Good for you. Well, that’s one group you won’t have to participate in. You’ll be in the definite minority there. I think there’s only three other kids on the unit right now who don’t have to participate in the drugs and alcohol group- D&A for short. You’re lucky. I hope you keep it that way.”

After Rosita pulled out the thermometer, Nicole asked, “What are the groups? Like Depressed and Angry?”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “After lunch, everyone is split into their main groups. The kids are generally divided into depression and anger management. After that, there are specialty groups like sexual abuse, D&A, family issues; that sort of thing. And at night, right before bed, we have a wrap-up group to go over the day.” 

Rosita handed her a clipboard with a questionnaire. “I need you to complete this health form. Are you taking any prescription medications?”

“Nope.” Nicole said, looking over the questions.

“Great, Any health issues we should be aware of?”

Nicole shook her head and took the pen from the clipboard and began filling out the form. The topics ranged from eating and sleeping problems, sexual history, drug habits, as well as health problems. Nicole raced through the form, of course it’s easy when the answer to every question is no.

After the paperwork and physical were complete and the initial intake finished, her mom gathered up all the contraband: clothes (anything with a drawstring- so all of her sweatpants and sweatshirts), toiletries (the razor, well duh), notebooks (that will make completing her homework more interesting), and her music (her life, really) into a plastic bag and gave her a quick hug goodbye, told her to be good, and was escorted out by Steve. 

There was a small pile of toiletries: soap, shampoo, toothpaste, and deodorant, that she was allowed to keep at the hospital, but would be locked up and only released under supervision. All she was entrusted with were some clothes with which she couldn’t possible hurt herself and her textbooks. They even confiscated her mechanical pencils, and told her that she’d have to turn in her shoes at night.

Nicole spent the rest of the morning with Dr. Lucado undergoing her “intake evaluation,” and by noon, Nicole was exhausted and ready to crawl into a very dark hole. 

After leaving the classroom with Rosita, Nicole was led onto the teen unit proper. It was divided into two wings that mirrored each other. In between the wings were the dining hall, kitchen area, and staff room. The kitchen and staff rooms were always locked, Rosita told her, but she could always ask a staff person for help, if she needed anything. The staff were divided into psychiatric nurses and child life specialists. There had to be at least one of each on both wings at all times. 

“When we have a group meeting for the entire teen unit, we sometimes meet in the dining hall or else the classroom.” Rosita explained. “And next to the dining hall is the timeout spot.” Rosita pointed to a bench in between the dining hall and the door to the kitchen. “If you ever feel like you need a break, or you’re getting worked up, you can ask to take a time out. Sometimes staff will ask you to take a time out if you’re making poor choices.”

“What’s the difference between the timeout and CDR?” Asked Nicole, thinking back to the two girls cursing in the CDRs. 

“Timeout is usually voluntary, CDR is usually not.” Rosita said matter-of-factly. 

“Dr. Lucado said that sometimes kids will choose to go into the CDR.” 

“Do you want to lock yourself up in a padded room?” Rosita asked, looking at her pointedly.

“No.” 

Rosita smiled. “There you go. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how this place works pretty quickly, and the other kids will help explain, too.”

“Where are all the other kids?” Nicole asked.

“They did school on one of the other units today. Every morning you have school for three hours. It’s like a long study hall, everyone works on whatever their school sends in.”

“Three hours of study hall? Even on weekends?”

“Yep. All except Sunday. Sunday is family meeting day.” Rosita walked her onto one of the wings. Lining the outer wall of the wing were the patient bedrooms. In the middle of the wing was a large living room area with several couches, a couple wooden coffee tables, and a stereo on a shelf against the inside wall. Rosita told Nicole that she was assigned a single room on the “A” wing. 

 

She showed Nicole into a small bedroom just inside the wing. “Take all of your belongings out of the bags and put them away in the drawers or on the desk. I’ll need to take the bags with me.”

Nicole looked around her room. There was a low twin bed with two large drawers underneath, a small three drawer chest and a tiny desk with no drawers. A tall window set deep into the wall was the only feature in the room breaking up the white, cinderblock walls. The cloth curtains were pulled back on either side of the window. Outside the window were the dark branches of the woods looming in on her. She dumped out her stuff on the bed and handed the bags to Rosita. Then Nicole divided up her clothes between the three drawers and placed her school books in the drawers under her bed. 

As she was sorting out her belongings, Nicole heard the commotion of the kids returning to the unit. 

“Once you’re settled, come on out and you can meet the other kids.” Rosita said, before turning away from her door. “Oh, and keep your door open at all times. You’re on FMI, so we have to be able to see you.”

“What if I’m changing?” Nicole frowned.

“Just let us know before, and don’t take longer than five minutes.” She smiled and winked at Nicole. Rosita left her room and Nicole could hear her greeting some of the kids, explaining that there was a new girl on the unit and that they better be nice to her.

Great, thought Nicole. She flopped down onto the bed and closed her eyes. Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. Everyone at school will realize I’m gone and that will make things worse. I’m locked up in a fucking loony bin. 

“Hey,” a deep voice came from her door. 

Nicole opened her eyes to see a tall guy standing in her doorway. He had the darkest skin and the whitest smile. 

“I’m X, whacha you in for?” He asked quickly.

Nicole just stared at him. 

“I’m schizophrenic,” he paused, looked out the door and then back in again. “And so am I.” He deadpanned.

Nicole just closed her eyes and groaned. She heard X burst out laughing, and looked back up at him. He wore a wide grin. 

“I’m kidding.” He said, holding up his hands. “Depression. Which one are you?”

Nicole pulled herself up into a sitting position. “Depression, I think. I haven’t gotten the official word yet.”

“Well, unless you beat up a teacher or parent, you’re probably depression. What’s your name?” Asked X.

“Nicole. So X? As in Malcolm?” She asked.

“No, as in Xavier.”

“I liked that movie, though.” 

“Didn’t see it.” 

“Really?” Nicole was surprised. “You should, it’s great. Denzel Washington...”

“I’m kidding. Of course I saw it.” X cut her off.

“Oh, sorry.” Nicole looked down at the ground. 

“Look, why don’t you come out, we’re about to have lunch. You can sit with me.”

Nicole looked at him questioningly. “Really? You don’t even know me.”

“I will, soon enough.” He smiled and stepped out of her doorway.

Nicole groaned as she lifted her heavy body out of the bed. All she wanted to do was curl up, go to sleep, and pretend this wasn’t happening. Instead, she was going to have to be social over lunch with a bunch of crazy kids at a loony bin. Perfect.

Once she stepped out of her room, about five other kids swarmed up around her. X stepped up next to her.

“Hey, chill out. Really.” He was shielding her with his body. “Her name’s Nicole and she’s depressed.” 

X’s words made Nicole laugh. This is what I’ve been reduced to: Nicole and depressed. But this seemed to placate the other kids. X gestured to one of the couches and Nicole joined him.

“So are you a suicide?” He asked once they were sitting. A few of the other kids sat down around them.

“No.” Nicole replied.

“Too bad, I always like hearing the stories about how they do it.” X said. 

Nicole frowned at him. 

“Gross dude” came a voice from behind her. Nicole turned around on the couch to see the rest of the black haired girl from the CDR that morning. “Way to scare the new kid, X. Why don’t you scream in her face while you’re at it.” The girl wore a condescending smirk. She held out her hand to Nicole. “I’m Wynonna.”

Nicole shook her hand briefly. “Winona? Like Winona Ryder?” She asked.

“Say that name again and I’ll break your face.” Wynonna shot back, her eyes going hard.

“Way to scare the new kid.” Said X, sarcastically.

“I hate that stupid bitch, and her stupid name. Everyone’s always misspelling my name because of her.” She wandered off muttering under her breath about the horrors of sharing a name with Winona Ryder.

Nicole closed her eyes. I’m not here. I’m not fucking here.

The dark haired staff person from the CDRs spoke up from the back corner of the room. “Everyone stop scaring Nicole. And Wynonna, you don’t want to end up back in CDR, do you. No more threats.” He walked over to Nicole and held out his hand. “Dan. Good to meet you. I’m one of the child life specialists on staff here.” 

After shaking Nicole’s hand, Dan walked past Wynonna keeping an eye on her. Wynonna pantomimed a hand job while rolling her eyes. Nicole bit back a snicker.

Ok, so this wasn’t so different from high school, she thought.

Then she felt a thump on her shoulder. “Let’s go get some lunch. You want to be at the front of the line. Trust me. That way you get the best choices.” X said, as he walked over to line up at the entry of the A wing. 

Nicole stood up to join him, and Wynonna lined up behind her.

“So Red, you’re a depression. Too bad, I was hoping for another woman on my team.” Wynonna said.

“You’re here for anger, then?” Nicole asked.

“I’m here because I punched a teacher.” She said with a confident smirk.

Nicole’s eyes went wide with shock.

“I’m kidding.” She snorted out a laugh. “It was my guidance counselor. But he was such a jerk, he totally deserved it.”

“Wynonna.” Dan’s voice carried over the room.

“Sorry.” She held up her hands in air quotes. “I lost control of my temper and took an inappropriate action to show my frustration.” Then leaning into Nicole, she said under her breath. “I dropped him like a greased pig.” She chuckled.

Nicole shook her head in disbelief. “How many girls are there in the anger group?” Nicole asked.

“Well so far, just my sister and I. You sure you don’t want to switch teams? We have way more fun in the anger group.” Wynonna looked at X. “The most exciting thing you talk about in depression group is how ya’ll try to do yourselves in.” 

“Don’t listen to her. Depression is better. Anger group gets to count to ten.” X said to Nicole. “And our group’s bigger, so you don’t always have to talk.”

“Lucky.” Quipped Wynonna. 

Just then, the wing was called to come for lunch. Nicole followed X out into the hallway and through to the kitchen. It was set up cafeteria style, with everyone grabbing a plate and walking down the line to serve themselves. 

The food didn’t look terrible, turkey with gravy and green beans cooked with bacon. Nicole served herself and got to the end of the line where there was a selection of juice and milks. Nicole grabbed a white milk.

“Take the chocolate. I would if I were you.” X said, looking back at her. Nicole noticed a white milk sitting on his plate.

“You didn’t.” Nicole said.

“I hate that crap, but it’s like gold around here, you can trade it for stuff, desserts or better seats. There’s not enough for everyone, so take the chocolate milk and trade it for white and earn a favor or two.” X explained. 

“He’s right.” Wynonna added. “A little chocolate milk can go a long way toward making friends.”

Nicole put back her white milk and picked up the chocolate. 

“Aw, we finally found a smart one.” Wynonna laughed. “I’m keeping her.”

In the dining room, Nicole sat down next to X, but noticed that Wynonna didn’t join them at their table. 

“Don’t worry about it. Wy and her sister alway sit together.” X said, when he saw Nicole watching Wynonna pull out a chair at a separate table. 

The rest of the dining hall filled up as the kids made their way through the lunch line. Wynonna was still sitting on her own. Hers was the only table that was empty. 

Two other boys sat down at Nicole’s table. Ben and Sean introduced themselves to her. They were both anger kids and looked like they could have been twins but for the color of their hair. Ben had short, strawberry blond hair, while Sean wore his super curly dark hair in a flat top. 

Then from the kitchen area, Nicole heard a feminine voice. She wondered if this was the other sister from this morning. The voice was light this time, not cursing up a storm. In fact, she was thanking someone in the kitchen. Then through the doorway walked a beautiful pixie of a girl. She was petite in every sense of the word, and her long, light brown hair fell in soft waves to below her breasts, and her bangs were teased up to form a perfect wall above her forehead. She wore a bright smile that crinkled up her eyes as she walked over to Wynonna’s table. The world seemed to slow down with every step she took. Nicole couldn’t take her eyes off of her. 

X cleared his throat. “That’s Waverly, Wynonna’s younger sister.”

 

“They’re both in here? Why is she in here?” Nicole asked, glancing at the sisters’ table. Waverly sat down with her back to Nicole.

“Same as Wynonna.” Said Ben.

“She punched a teacher?” Nicole turned to ask X.

“No. Wy shot their father. They both kind of lost it after that.” He answered.

Nicole choked. “What!” She said through a coughing fit. 

“Yeah, you’ll have to get them to tell the story.” Ben said, stuffing a large bite of turkey in his mouth.

Nicole turned back to look at the sisters. Waverly was talking to Wynonna, who then nodded at Nicole. Suddenly Waverly turned to face her. Nicole flashed a quick smile as Waverly waved.

In a fit of what felt like insanity, Nicole grabbed her chocolate milk, stood up, and walked over to the sisters’ table. 

“Hi, I’m Nicole.” She held out her hand. Waverly smiled up at her as she gently shook the proffered palm. “Would you like my chocolate milk?” Nicole asked.

Waverly’s smile grew apologetic. “I’m sorry, I’m vegan. No milk for me.” She said quickly. “But I’m Waverly, Wynonna’s sister.” Nicole could see Wynonna snickering.

“Baby sister.” Wynonna added.

“I’m only three years younger than you.” Waverly shot a challenging look at Wynonna.

“And that makes you the baby.” Wynonna winked and gave an equally challenging grin back. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to step in anything here.” Nicole apologized.

“Don’t mind her, she’s always a crab.” Waverly looked back at Nicole. 

“Well, I should go finish my lunch.” Nicole turned to walk back to her table.

“It’s good to meet you, Nicole.” Waverly saying her name caused a chill to run down Nicole’s spine. 

“Yeah, sure.” She tried to smile back at the cute girl grinning up at her, but was pretty sure she failed. With a deep blush creeping up her face, she sat back down at her table and quickly started to pile food into her mouth. She opened her chocolate milk and took a large mouthful, then quickly spat the syrupy sweet liquid back out into the container. Chocolate milk, my ass. She pushed the milk container away from her plate.

X laughed at her lightly.

Nicole looked at X, wondering if he was making fun of her, but his smile remained soft.

“Can I have that?” Sean asked Nicole, pointing at her chocolate milk. 

Both X and Nicole turned to Sean with a look of disgust. 

“What? It’s chocolate milk and I don’t mind having a little lady’s spit in my mouth.” He grinned at Nicole and winked.

Nicole grimaced. “No.”

 

After lunch, the teens were split up into their respective depression and anger groups. As she suspected, Nicole was placed in depression and told she would meet with Dr. Lucado by the end of the day to go over her specific diagnosis and plan for treatment. 

The depression group met in the A wing living room. 

Nicole and X shared a couch and Rosita joined them. X was right, most of the kids were in the depression group. While she would love to hide away, Nicole suspected that being the new kid meant that she was going to be introduced first. 

“Alright, group, time to get started.” Rosita spoke up over the conversations going on around the room. It didn’t do much to quiet down the kids.

“HEY!” Yelled Steve, and the room went silent. “Everyone listen to Rosita. It’s time to get started.”

“Thanks, Steve. I want to introduce our newest member, Nicole. She just arrive this morning.” Rosita turned to Nicole and smiled. “Do you want to introduce yourself?”

Nicole nodded. “I’m Nicole. I’m depressed. I think that’s it.” She said curtly.

“Why don’t you tell us why you feel depressed.” Steve offered.

Because I’m here, she thought. “I don’t know. My mom thinks I spend too much time in my room and listen to too much music.” Nicole said.

“Oh, what kind of music do you like?” A boy on the opposite couch asked.

“That’s not what’s important right now.” Rosita interrupted.

“I mostly like grunge, and heavy metal. Metallica and Nirvana.” Nicole ignored Rosita, she preferred the music question.

“Cool,” said X, quietly.

“Tell us more about how you are isolating yourself.” Said Steve.

“I’m not isolating myself.” 

“How often are you going out with your friends?” He asked.

“I’m not, but I’m busy.”

“Doing what?” Asked Steve.

“Homework. Soccer.”

“I thought the soccer season is over.” 

“It is, but...”

“And it sounds like your grades have been falling sharply this semester. Are you having a hard time concentrating on your work? Is that why you’re failing while spending all of your time on homework?” He asked.

Steve’s voice bit into Nicole, and she closed her eyes. What the hell is going on? Nicole could feel the heat rising on her cheeks.

“Hey man, leave her alone, it’s her first day.” X said.

“First day is important, she needs to be honest with us and with herself. You know how this works.” Steve said to X. “Now Nicole, how is it that you can spend all of your time studying, but still be failing two classes.”

How the hell did he know that? Thought Nicole. That wasn’t a part of my intake. A deep dread fell over Nicole. They had access to her school records. What else did they know about?

“I don’t know.” Nicole said, slumping down into the couch.

“How are your concentration levels?” Steve asked.

“They suck, ok?” Nicole shot back, she frowned into her lap.

“What about your energy levels, do you feel motivated to do any extracurricular activities?”

“No.” 

“What do you want to do the most?”

“Sleep. Ok, I want to sleep and listen to my depressing music and do nothing and see nobody. You got me, ok.” Nicole shot out a deep breath. “I’m depressed. I’m here, aren’t I. I’m in the stupid loony bin.” 

“Hey, we don’t say those words.” Rosita rounded on her quickly. “This is a hospital. Seeking help for your depression is crucial and doesn’t make you crazy. This is an important step in your healing, being honest about what you’re feeling. If you can’t be honest, nothing will change. Everyone here has to be honest about how they’re feeling, that’s how we get through this.”

“Yeah, that and medications.” The boy across from her joked. X laughed out loud and Nicole felt grateful for the break in tension.

“Excuse me, Brian, medications are a perfectly acceptable way of treating depression.” Rosita turned her attention to the other kid. “We do not vilify anyone’s treatment plan. In fact, why don’t you tell Nicole how you are feeling today. This is a chance for you to be a role model. I know you want to level up to 3 and to do that you need to be more of a role model for the others.”

“Shit.” Said Brian.

“Language!” Steve yelled. “Why don’t you take a timeout.” 

Brian groaned, stood, and walked out of the room.

“Anyone else want to be a role model for Nicole?” Rosita asked, and the conversation continued with other kids taking turns talking about their problems.

That was depression group.

 

After group let out, they had a few minutes to relax. One of the kids went to his room and came out with a tape to play in the stereo. 

Nicole was still sitting next to X. “How does he have a tape. I thought they were all contraband?” She asked him.

“He’s level 3. At level 3, you can get a blank tape and create your own mix tape. It all has to be approved music. Staff has the music and they make the tapes.”

“Really? That’s sounds pretty communist.” Nicole said, watching the kid fast forward through the tape. 

When he finished, Richard Marx “Right Here Waiting” came on. X groaned, “I hate this song so much. Dick, pick a different song.” He yelled.

“No, and it’s Rich.” He called back over his shoulder, then started to sing.

X covered his face in his palms, Nicole laughed and resisted the urge to sing along. She didn’t want X to know she liked the song.

“I’m so glad you’re into my kind of music. I knew I liked you for a reason.” X said, as he shook his head.

“Yeah.” The ear worm worked its way into her head. I will be right here waiting for you...

 

Dr. Lucado found Nicole as the teen unit was walking back from playing whiffle ball in the gym. 

“I’m going to take Nicole with me,” she said to Steve. “We’ll be in the classroom.” She led Nicole back to the empty room.

The classroom was dark when they entered. Dr. Lucado turned on the lights. She pulled out a desk chair and motioned for Nicole to sit at one of the desks. 

“I’ve been through all of your evaluations and records and have come up with a couple diagnoses. First, I’m sure is no surprise to you. I believe you are suffering from major depression. Your actions, energy levels, inability to concentrate, all point to major depression. I want you to continue participating in the depression group. Also, I want you to start a course of Prozac. Its a new antidepressant, and it’s worked wonders in other teens. I think it will really help you get control of your emotions, so that you can deal with the things that are making you feel depressed.” Dr. Lucado explained.

Nicole looked around the room. She didn’t feel like she was out of control with her emotions. It’s not like she was beating up her teachers or anything. But this was what the doctor was prescribing, Nicole didn’t feel like she had the authority to say no. 

“Do you really think I need meds?” Asked Nicole.

“It’s one tool in our tool box, that coupled with the therapy, and developing new coping skills, will help you feel more in control of your life. They all work together.” Dr. Lucado said.

Nicole nodded her understanding.

“The other diagnosis is a Gender Identity Disorder.” 

Nicole looked at Dr. Lucado in confusion. 

“Your parents are very concerned that you don’t show any interest in wearing dresses or using makeup. You carry yourself more like a man and seem to feel more comfortable in masculine clothing. Does that sounds accurate?”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t see why that’s a mental health issue.”

“It’s ok for girls to be tomboys, but at a certain age we expect to see them start to embrace being a woman more. When a young lady, such as yourself, doesn’t naturally start to gravitate toward more feminine endeavors, we worry that there is some confusion on your part about how to express your womanhood.”

“But I still don’t get how that makes me crazy.”

“Nicole, you aren’t crazy, but we find that adolescents who don’t conform to gender norms tend to be depressed, they’re more likely to attempt suicide, and generally feel more anxiety than other teens. We want to help you find a way to better express your gender, and I think you’ll find that it helps with your need to isolate yourself and feelings of depression. When you start to feel more beautiful, you’ll want to be more social because you’ll want others to see just how beautiful you are.”

Nicole furrowed her brows. What the hell kind of bullshit was this? “So you’re saying I’m not girly enough.”

“Essentially. When you start acting more ‘girly’ as you put it, you’ll start to feel better about yourself and less depressed. After talking to your parents, school, and even yourself, I firmly believe that the cause of your depression is your Gender Identity Disorder. If you correct the one, the other will follow suit.”

Nicole stared at her open-mouthed. “I thought Gender Identity Disorder was for people who think they were born the wrong sex.”

“That’s one part of the diagnosis.”

“But I don’t feel that way. I don’t think I’m a guy.”

“But you dress like one; you play sports like one, you sit and walk like one.” She paused and smiled warmly at Nicole. “We really don’t want your disorder to get to that point.”

Nicole’s stomach turned.

“As for treatment, I want you to start the Prozac tomorrow. You’ll also have to fill out two daily journals. We have a feelings journal, it’s something all patients are required to complete every day. Any staff member can ask to read and make suggestions in your feelings journal. But I also want you to keep a private gender journal. You’ll be assigned a psychiatric nurse and this journal will be just between your nurse and yourself. You can discuss things of a more sensitive nature with her through the journal. Consider it a private space to really explore what it means to be a woman, without fear of everyone else looking in. Your honesty is going to be the fastest way to heal. So don’t hold back in your journals, it’s a no judgement space just for you.”

Unlikely, thought Nicole. 

Dr. Lucado handed her two black, marbled composition notebooks. “I want you to start both journals today. I have written questions for you to answer in each journal. I want you to show them to a staff member tomorrow morning before school starts. I believe your assigned nurse will be on the unit tomorrow, so you’ll be able to show the private journal to her.”

Nicole looked down at the journals. Her name was already written in the center box in a perfectly executed cursive script. Under her name on the first was written “Feelings Journal,” and on the other was “Private Journal.” She opened to the first page of the private journal and saw more of the fancy script. It was so curly and elegant that it was difficult to read. 

List five things about yourself that make you feel beautiful. How do these things make you feel more like a woman?

Nicole groaned and rolled her eyes. If this was her therapy, then she was pretty sure she was just fucked. There was no way this was going to make her more girly or cure her depression.

 

After dinner, everyone had journal time. It was a quiet time to write, and once that was complete, to do school work. Nicole went to her room and partially closed the door. She didn’t want to start her journals out in the shared living space. She felt ridiculous enough answering the questions, she didn’t want an audience for it, too.

She pulled up her chair to the desk and opened both journals. The cursive questions stood like a wall between her and the completion of the assignment. Nicole hated stuff like this. How was this supposed to help her?

In the feelings journal, Dr. Lucado asked: What are your feelings about your first day in the hospital? What do you hope to accomplish while you are here?

What were Nicole’s feeling about her first day? She liked meeting X, and Wynonna was pretty funny, if a little scary. Waverly was cute, but she couldn’t write that. She wanted to get to know the sisters better. The rest of it seemed like a bunch of bullshit. The depression group did nothing for her, and Dr. Lucado’s diagnosis came out of left field. If she was being really honest, if felt like Lucado wanted to diagnose her with being homosexual, but couldn’t, so she had to find something else wrong with her. So GID was the next best thing. Of course she couldn’t write about that either.

List five things about yourself that make you feel beautiful.

Nicole rested her head in her palm. This was completely and utterly bullshit. She thought about some of her teammates on the soccer team. Half of them would also have a GID, if wearing soccer clothes and not wanting to wear dresses was all it took to have a mental illness.

She shoved her journals across the desk and sat back in her chair, drumming her pen on the desk.

What did she like about herself? What makes her beautiful? She liked her voice. She liked to sing. Maybe that made her feel beautiful. Suddenly the ear worm from earlier resurfaced, and Nicole began to hum “Right Here Waiting.” 

She closed her eyes and quietly started to sing the song to herself. This brought out a smile. Nicole thought back to all the time she spent in her room at home. She’d pop a favorite tape in her boombox, grab her blue Goody hairbrush, and stand on her bed. She’d imagine that she was Bon Jovi or Bono, sometimes she was the fifth Beatle, standing on stage and singing her heart out. The memory made her laugh, but it also made her miss her music.

“I took for granted, all the times  
That I thought would last somehow.  
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears,  
But I can’t get near you now.”

As she started the second verse, Nicole felt more comfortable. She began bobbing her head and getting into the song. She sang a little louder, it was just for herself after all.

By the third verse, Nicole was fully invested. Behind her eyes, she could see the crowds surrounding the stage, cheering her on as she sang her song. She lifted the pen to her mouth like a mic.

“Oh can’t you see it baby  
You’ve got me goin’ crazy

Wherever you go  
Whatever you do  
I will be right here waiting for you  
Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for you”

“Ok Richard Marx,” Waverly’s voice cut her off abruptly. Nicole jumped back, knocking over her chair as she quickly stood, and dropped her pen on the floor.

Waverly was standing in her doorway, watching Nicole and giggling. If her cheeks hadn’t bloomed red so quickly, Nicole would have sworn that her heart had stopped dead.

“Ah, sorry.” Nicole stammered, starring back at Waverly in horror.

“Don’t be, it’s cute.” Waverly’s smile, if anything, made Nicole blush deeper, and her heart began to race out of control.

“Ah...” Nicole tried to speak again.

“It’s time for wrap-up,” Waverly kept grinning, but pointed back at the living room. “We’re all out here- waiting for you.” She laughed and winked at Nicole.

Nicole tried to laugh, too, but didn’t feel like she had much control over her body. “Um, ok. I’ll be right out.” She said, still staring at the small woman in her doorway. Nicole couldn’t tell if it was panic, embarrassment, fear, or attraction that was freezing her in place. 

“Come on, Romeo.” She laughed again, and walked away. 

Nicole fought to unlock her knees and bent over to pick up her pen. She blew out a deep breath and shook her head before leaving her room.

The living room was nearly packed and most of the couch space was occupied, but Nicole noticed that the seat next to Waverly was still open. Waverly patted the cushion next to her and smiled up at her. Nicole could still feel the heat on her cheeks and she wasn’t sure she could handle sitting next to Waverly, but she didn’t have much of a choice. 

She sat down stiffly, being sure to leave as much space between them as she could. To distract herself from Waverly’s presence next to her, Nicole looked around the room for X. Did he also know she was singing Richard Marx? X wasn’t in the living room.

As Rosita began the group, Nicole leaned over to Waverly and whispered, “Where’s X?”

Waverly leaned in a little closer, and Nicole could smell a strawberry scent coming off of her. “He’s in the other wing. Wrap-up is divided by which wing your room is on.”

“Is there a problem?” Rosita interrupted Waverly.

“No problem, I was just explaining how wrap-up works for Nicole.” 

“Ok, but I need you both to listen right now.” Rosita said.

“Sorry.” Waverly replied in a sing-song voice.

“Sorry” murmured Nicole. Out of the corner of her eye, Nicole saw Waverly turn her head to smile again at her. She tried to keep her focus on Rosita, but she could feel Waverly’s look tickling her side. 

Rosita started back up, and Nicole’s knee began to bounce.

“Relax,” Waverly whispered. “You’ve survived your first day.” 

This made Nicole laugh out loud, earning her a stern look from Rosita. But Waverly was right. She had survived her first day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my new beta reader, DreadPirateBrown, for keeping me honest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: depictions of depression, gender correction therapy, mild violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are skipping over chapter 1 because you read it back in September, I recommend going back to read it again since I’ve made some substantial edits.
> 
> Thanks.

Chapter 2

2008:  
Nicole made a promise to herself that morning that she wouldn’t obsessively check her Facebook account to see if Waverly replied, but come on, let’s get real here. Instead, she tried to limit herself to once every hour, or half hour, or when she completed a task- you know, as a reward.

Every time she checked, the same “friend request sent” banner appeared and disappointed her. Nicole huffed out a breath, blowing a strand of her red hair out of her face. She grabbed her forgotten coffee mug from next to her computer and threw back the cold dregs at the bottom of the cup. She winced as the bitter ends of the coffee hit her throat. 

She carried the coffee cup to her kitchen sink and rinsed it out, before taking her brand new smartphone out of her pocket. She had splurged on the phone for her final year in law school, calling it an early graduation present. It still blew her mind that with 8G of storage, it had more memory than her laptop.

She quickly typed out a message to X: (It was so much easier to text on the smartphone than her old flip phone.)

NH> Hey buddy, you coming off shift soon? I need a real coffee. Can you join me?

Nicole put her phone back in her pocket and collected her law books for the day. She slipped her laptop in the computer sleeve of the enormous backpack. It was ugly as hell, but the only thing Nicole could find that fit her computer and all the fat-ass law books she had to carry around with her. Then she felt her pocket buzz.

XD> Just getting off (shift- you perv) Do you want to meet at Soma?  
NH> Perfect. See you in 10 min. (And I’m disappointed- isn’t that why you wear the uniform)  
XD> How about 20, and don’t disrespect the blue  
NH> Sounds good. I have nothing but respect for the blue.

She schlepped the backpack over her shoulder and took a quick glance around the living space of her apartment, looking for anything she was forgetting. She glanced back at her computer docking station waiting like a drug on her desk in the office. She dropped the backpack on the floor, reading her watch quickly. 

“I have time for one last check,” she said to herself. “Then I won’t do it again until after my first class, or before, or maybe when I get to school...” Fuck

The page opened for her- nothing. She tried refreshing the page just in case, but still nothing. Nicole shook her head, put her laptop back in her bag, and swore to herself she wouldn’t check again until after her first class.

 

Nicole walked into Soma, she wasn’t expecting to see X yet because her apartment wasn’t far from their favorite coffee shop and it only took her about five minutes to walk over. She dropped her backpack off at a two person table next to the coffee bar, and got in line to place her order. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she saw a new Facebook notification pop up on her lock screen. Her heart raced momentarily until she saw that it was about an old high school friend. Disappointed, she slipped the phone back in her pocket and stepped up to the bar to order her coffee. 

The woman behind the counter smiled at her warmly, “Hi Nicole, your usual?” She asked. 

Nicole nodded back with a half smile. She had been secretly crushing on the barista for the past year, despite knowing that she had a boyfriend. But it suddenly hit her why she found her so attractive. While she was sweet and always remembered Nicole, the other woman’s smile was so similar to Waverly’s. Her brown eyes crinkled up in half moons when she greeted Nicole with a bright smile. 

Nicole paid for her coffee and left a nice tip, which she justified, not as way to impress the barista (well, maybe a little), but as a karma payment in hopes that Waverly would accept her friend request.

She sat down at her table and pulled out her Property book, flipping to the case they would be discussing in class that day. 

She was looking over the notes she had written in the margins, when X walked into Soma still wearing his police uniform. He gave Nicole his white-as-fuck smile, but his eyes look tired. “Hey Girly.” He greeted her with their inside joke of a nickname. 

“Long night?” She asked in return.

“Not really. It was pretty quiet. Sunday nights are usually slower after the weekend.” 

Nicole nodded, “So why didn’t you change?”

“Because, whenever I come in here in uniform, they give me coffee for free.” He gestured back at the coffee bar with his head. 

“And why did you talk me out of joining the force with you, again. I could use some free coffee.” 

“Because, when you become a high-priced lawyer,” X pointed at her, “you’ll be able to afford the stupid amount of coffee you drink.” He flashed his grin at Nicole before standing up to order his drink. “Go Big Red.”

“Shut up.” She laughed at X, who often took the opportunity to tease Nicole with the Indiana University chant.

When X returned with his coffee, he settled uncomfortably into the small, wooden chair across from Nicole. 

“Girl, let me have the bench seat, my butt’s bigger than yours.”

“No way, I’m going to be here longer than you.” Nicole said without looking up from her textbook.

“Come on, it’s not like you can’t have it back when I leave.”

“No can do, officer. You’ll just have to suffer in silence.” She grinned into her book.

“Ass.” He grumbled. “I was up keeping Bloomington safe for you while you slept last night.” 

“Speaking of last night, I may have done something a little crazy.” Nicole looked up at X.

“Who was it this time? I thought you swore off women for your final year. Concentrating on your studies and all that bologna.” X laughed under his breath.

“I have, and it wasn’t a woman this time.” Nicole paused, and X gave a her a hard look. “Ok, it was a woman, but it’s not what you think. Do you remember Waverly? You know, from the hospital?” Nicole asked the last question in a hushed voice.

“Um, yeah? Wynonna’s sister?” 

“Yeah. Well, I think I found her on Facebook. I sent her a friend request last night.”

“Weren’t you all crushed out over her?” X asked before taking a long pull of coffee.

“Yeah... sort of.” Then she thought better of it. “Ok, completely.” She nodded her head.

“So what did she say?”

“She hasn’t responded yet.” Nicole tapped her finger next to her coffee cup. “Do you ever think about anyone from Hope?” 

“Not really. Besides you, I mean.” He looked at Nicole with that expression that could draw the truth out of Nicole without actually asking a thing. 

Nicole flopped back against the bench seat. “I don’t either, not really. But sometimes I wonder what happened to Wy and Waverly after they left.” 

“I think you were always closer to them than I was. I’d rather forget about all that.”

“Yeah, me too.” Nicole agreed. “But I hope Waverly’s ok. I hope she’s happy.”

“You know her. She was tenacious as fuck. I’m sure she’s fine. I’d be more worried about Wynonna.” 

“Yeah.” Nicole said, her mind wandering off. “Anyway. You should go get some sleep, officer.”

“You want to do dinner at my place tonight, before I go back on shift?” X asked, standing up.

“Sounds great. See you at 5?”

“Yep.” He left his mug on the counter, then turning back to Nicole, he added, “Hey, try not to think about it too much. A watched pot never boils.”

“Good advice.” Nicole gave him a cockeyed grin. “See you tonight.”

“Girly.” He tipped his head at Nicole before leaving the coffeeshop. 

 

Nicole was better about not checking her Facebook account as often during the day. She was focused on her classes. Additionally, Nicole had to brush up her resume. 

 

She managed to limit her Facebook checks to the few minutes she had in between her classes and once she was done for the day. 

Nicole walked to X’s apartment, swinging by the grocery on her way to grab some stuff to make a salad for dinner. 

When Nicole arrived at his apartment at 4:30 that afternoon, she placed her grocery bag down on the ground to let herself in with her key.

“Hey X, I’m here.” Nicole called out as she closed the door behind her with her hip. She hoisted her backpack higher onto her shoulder as she readjusted the grocery bag in her hand. 

She heard X’s voice coming from down the hall where his bedroom was. “I’ll be out in a sec. How do hamburgers sound?”

“Perfect. Do you want me to pull them out of the freezer?”

“Nope. I got it. I’m thinking about grilling, taking advantage of the weather before it gets too cold.”

“I could start your grill.” Nicole offered.

“Thanks, that’d be great.” X’s voice was muffled. Nicole guessed he was getting dressed.

Nicole walked through his kitchen dropping off her bags on the way to the screen door that led to his small back deck. A tiny gas grill sat against the back railing. Nicole opened the grill’s lid and turned the gas tank to open. She started the grill and turned down the flame level before closing the lid. X stepped out on to the deck next to her. 

“I still can’t believe they let you have this grill out here. You know it’s way too close to the building and not far enough away from the deck above you.” 

“Yeah, well, who’s going to argue with a police officer?” He asked with a smirk. 

Nicole grabbed the tongs hanging from the grill and snapped them at X. “They will when you burn the place down. By the way, I brought salad fixings. And don’t bother arguing with the lawyer, you’re having some.”

“You’re not a lawyer yet, girly.” He hip bumped Nicole to push her out of the way, opening the lid to check the grill.

She left X out on the deck to unpack her grocery bag and start the salad. 

Nicole was chopping up the broccoli head when X came back inside. 

“Seriously, broccoli?” X gruffed as he looked over her shoulder. 

“It’s good for you.”

“So is going vegan, but you don’t see me doing that.” He said, opening the freezer and pulling out the box of frozen hamburgers. He broke off three for himself and one for Nicole. “I don’t have buns. Is white bread ok?”

“Sure.” Nicole said, keeping her attention on the knife in her hand. “Any cheese?”

“Nope.” 

Nicole turned to face X with a grimace. “What the hell kind of hamburger are you making? No buns, no cheese.”

“It’s less fattening.”

“Yeah, ‘cause clearly that’s a concern.” Nicole eyed X up and down. He flashed a wide grin and flexed his arms. Nicole threw a piece of broccoli at him.

“Hey, speaking of vegans. Did you hear from Waverly yet?” X asked, picking up the vegetable projectile from the floor.

“No. Not yet.” Nicole tried to hide the frustration from her voice.

“Hey. I bet she’ll respond. Maybe she doesn’t check it every hour like some people I know.” He said, pointing at Nicole.

“I don’t check it every hour.” She paused, as she thought back on her day. “Ok, I normally don’t check it every hour.”

“It just seems like a big distraction.”

“Sometimes it nice to have a distraction.” Nicole said, turning back to the salads. “I get so wrapped up in studying that it’s nice to see people out there in the real world, having kids, getting married, that sort of thing. It makes me feel more normal, like I’m a part of that.”

“Hey, you are the most painfully normal person I have ever met.” X said.

Nicole laughed. “Was that supposed to be a compliment?”

“I don’t see how that could possibly be a compliment.” 

“Maybe we should just get married and grow old together.” Nicole snickered as she said that.

“Ew, don’t make me throw up.”

Nicole laughed lightly.

“So does Waverly look the same?” X asked.

“All I can see is a small thumbnail picture. But she still has the same smile.” Nicole stopped to grab a carrot. “She’s holding a baby in her profile picture.” She let the comment hover in the air.

“You think she got married and had a baby?”

“I wonder. We haven’t seen each other since I was 16 and she was 15. Anything is possible.”

“I guess it would be interesting to see where she is these days.”

“Yeah,” said Nicole, but her heart wasn’t in it.

X walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “What are you hoping to get out of this?” He asked her.

“I don’t know. I hope she’s happy, of course. I hope she wants to start up a friendship. Is it weird that I’m reaching out to her?”

“No. Not really. It’s not anymore weird than becoming Facebook friends with some of the assholes from your old high school.” He said.

Nicole smiled at that. “Yeah. I guess stranger friendships have happened on Facebook.”

“Yeah. And if she never responds, well then, that’s a response too.” He said, before walking back out to the deck with the hamburgers in hand.

“Yeah.” Nicole said with a sigh and a frown.

 

When Nicole got back to her apartment after dinner, she dropped her book bag by the door and walked back into her room. She changed into her pajamas and grabbed a beer from her fridge before dragging her homework into her office. She plugged in her laptop to her docking station and the monitor screen came to life.

She opened up her Word documents to the day’s notes and sat back heavily in her seat. She wanted to check Facebook really quick. Just one more time. But she was worried that she was only fooling herself and being distracted from what was more important. 

But the unknown beckoned to her.

She got her notes lined up and read through the first page, but realized that she wasn’t really taking in the information.

The unknown. What if.

Fine, she thought. This is the last time, though. Nicole switched her screen to Internet Explorer and typed up Facebook. It automatically logged her in.

There at the top of the screen was a single red circle with a white 1 next to the friends tab. Nicole’s heart just about jumped out of her chest.

Her hand was shaking when she clicked on the red button. She could feel the immediate rush of adrenaline coursing through her. There it was. 

Waverly Hardy has accepted your friendship request. 

It was only a single sentence, but it felt like fate. Everything in her itched to click on the newly accessible profile and dive in, but she had studying to do. 

Nicole let out a deep breath. Her profile was there. It wasn’t going anywhere. She responded, thought Nicole. I can always look at it later. She bit her lip and bargained with herself. Finish the homework first, then look through the profile. That would keep her motivated to keep working and get through it quickly.

She swallowed her desire to learn more about Waverly and where she was, and threw herself into her studies. She had responded. She friended her.

 

 

1993:  
Nicole didn’t sleep very well that first night. Between the staff poking their head in to look at her every twenty minutes once she was in bed, and not having any music to distract from the wandering circles her mind kept making, it took her forever to fall asleep. 

At one in the morning, the overnight staff person, Brad, tried to be helpful when he saw that Nicole was still awake.

“Depression can really mess with your sleep cycle, huh?” He said, after the third time he checked in on her to find her awake.

“I’m used to falling asleep while listening to music.” Nicole said, rolling onto her back in the bed. “It quiets down my thoughts.”

“That’s tough. What kind of music do you like?” 

“Grunge, New Wave, Metal, that sort of thing.” Nicole said, thinking back to her tape collection.

“Yeah, me too. Do you ever listen to any punk?” He asked.

“No.” Nicole lifted her head off the pillow, curious.

“Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but when you get out of here, you should totally check out the Ramones or the Sex Pistols. They’re the best of the best, but you’ll never be allowed to listen to them in here.” He shook his head lightly. “I saw the list of approved music in the dining hall, and that completely sucks.”

“I know, right?” The sympathy brought a smile to her face. Nicole sat up in her bed. “Is it ok if I sit out there with you?” Nicole asked.

“Sorry, you really should be asleep. I’m the only one on the wing right now.” 

Nicole flopped back in her bed. “It’s ok. I’ll just suffer in silence.”

Brad laughed, “There you go. Nothing like a positive attitude.”

That made Nicole laugh, too. 

“Good luck getting to sleep, and I’ll see you in twenty minutes.” He saluted Nicole as he turned from her door.

“Yep.” She said, and closed her eyes. “See you in twenty.”

 

At some point, she did manage to drift off to sleep because Nicole was startled awake by a woman’s voice. Opening her eyes felt like lifting weights, but once they were open, Nicole jumped back in her bed dragging her blanket up over her chest.

The woman standing over her had shoulder-length brown hair and the lightest blue eyes she’d ever seen. She was fucking gorgeous. And her face was looming over her.

“Holy crap!” Escaped Nicole’s lips, as she shuffled back farther in her bed.

“Nicole, watch your language.” Her polite smile quickly turned stern. “I’m Susan, your assigned nurse. I need you to get up because I have one more blood test to do before you eat breakfast. Also, I want to see your journals from yesterday. You have five minutes to get dressed.” Susan swiftly turned and walked out of her room, leaving Nicole staring after her from her bed.

Nicole’s heart was racing out of control. Blood test, journals, five minutes. Shit, shit, shit! Realization broke over Nicole like a cold wave. She never finished her journals last night. Which was stupid, since she couldn’t sleep either. Why didn’t she use all that sleepless time to write in her journals? It wasn’t like lying around in her bed was doing her any good.

After Susan left her room, Nicole shot out of bed and quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. She sat down at her desk to crank out an entry for her gender journal. 5 things that make her feel beautiful. 

She could come up with five things. Ok- here we go. I got this.  
1\. I like the way my butt looks in my jeans.  
2\. I like my red hair.  
3\. I like my dimple. (This was easier than she thought it would be.)  
4\. ...

4\. ...

4\. ... (shit)

There was a knock on her door. 

Brad spoke through the door. “Hey, Nicole, sorry but I have to do an FMI. Can I open the door?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m dressed.” Nicole answered him.

Brad poked his head in the door. “All good?” He asked. 

“Yeah. Actually, do you have any ideas for things that make me beautiful? I was supposed to fill out this journal thing yesterday and I forgot. I have to list five things that make me feel beautiful. The nurse wants me to turn it in when I go for my blood work.”

“Sorry, no can do. I may be the cool overnight guy, but I know better than to do your work for you.” He gave her a sympathetic smile. “But you shouldn’t have any problem with that. Just write what you like about yourself.”

“I like to sing.”

“There you go. List that.” Brad said, reassuringly. 

“Thanks.” Nicole bent over her desk and added singing to her list. One more thing. One more thing. The only thing that kept coming to her mind was her ability to play soccer. She was an awesome soccer player. But that seemed to be part of her problem, so she didn’t think she could put that down. 

Nicole looked up at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration or divine intervention, she’d take either right then. 

Then, Susan opened her door after a single knock. “Ready to go, Nicole?” Her blue eyes seemed to strip Nicole of her confidence. 

Fuck it, soccer it was. 

5\. I’m a good soccer player.

“Yeah. I’m ready.” Nicole picked up her gender journal and followed Susan out onto the wing. 

Susan led Nicole back into the classroom just past the kitchen and staff room. She had her medical supplies ready to go on a desk pulled next to one of the couches along the back wall. 

“Go sit down on the couch.” Susan directed her into the classroom. The room was much colder than the rest of the high school unit. A shudder ran through Nicole and she wished she had put on a sweater. 

“I hear you fainted yesterday. How do you feel this morning?” Susan asked as she put her stethoscope in her ears. 

“Fine”

“Do you normally faint when having blood drawn?” 

“No. I didn’t faint because of the blood draw. It was before that.” Nicole watched as Susan placed the blood pressure cuff around her arm. “The nurse, Rosita, said my blood pressure was a little low, that was all.”

“Well, I’m checking that right now.” 

No shit, she thought.

Nicole had a few seconds to really look over her “assigned nurse.” Beyond the blue eyes and her obvious beauty, there was a harshness. Nicole wondered if that was part of being a nurse and having to stick kids with needles all day.

“Your blood pressure is fine. Do you want to lie down as I take your blood this morning or would you prefer sitting up?”

“Sitting up. I’m fine.” Nicole continued to look over her nurse. Her hair had what looked like a natural curl right at the tips that rounded into her shoulders in a perfect way. When Nicole let her own hair grow out, it seemed to take on a life of its own, curling every which way and sticking out in weird places. Nicole felt a small pang of jealousy, blue eyes and perfectly curled hair. Some people had it all. It seemed unfair to criticize Nicole’s sense of beauty when she didn’t have the things that other women were seemingly born with. 

Susan prepared her arm for the blood draw. “How did you sleep last night?” She asked without looking up from Nicole’s elbow.

“Fine.” 

“That’s not what Brad said. He said you didn’t get to sleep until close to 2am.” She looked up at Nicole in a way that said, I know everything, so don’t bother lying to me. Those blue eyes felt really cold.

“Yeah, well... but then after that I slept well.”

“Nicole, the only way your stay here is going to help you is if you are 100% honest with me. I can’t help you unless I trust that you are being honest.” She quickly pressed the needle into Nicole’s arm. She tried not to react, but jumped when the needle bit in.

The tubes slowly filled with her dark red blood. 

“This is taking a long time. You need to drink more water.” Susan said as she switched the tubes out. “Do you have a good appetite?”

“Yeah. No problem there.” Then, in an effort to prove she wasn’t lying, she added, “The turkey yesterday was pretty decent. But the chocolate milk was gross.” She tried to flash a quick smile, to show she was playing along, cooperating.

“You should really be drinking the white milk.” Susan admonished lightly. Nicole’s smile fell flat. “That or water, really. The chocolate milk is mostly sugar.”

Like she didn’t know that already. Nicole rolled her eyes and looked out across the classroom. She figured that there wasn’t much use in trying to explain that she wanted the white milk, but was tricked into taking the chocolate milk by her new friends. 

Once the blood draw was complete, Susan sat up and looked Nicole over. “Do you have your journals?” She asked.

“Um, I only brought the gender one.” Nicole held up the composition book.

“Where is the other one?”

“I didn’t fill it in. I got distracted last night, and then it was time for the wrap up group and time for bed. I didn’t realize you were going to need to see them right away.” She hesitated a moment and then added, “I’m sorry. I guess I don’t know how this all works yet.” 

Nicole braced herself for more scoldings. Normally, she was a rule follower, a goody-two-shoes. It was eating away at her that she was letting Susan down right from the start. 

Susan looked at her with what seemed to be an unusual amount of sympathy given their earlier conversation. 

“I understand. It is a lot to take in. It’s your first day, so I’ll cut you some slack. I’m guessing your school hasn’t sent in any homework yet, that normally takes a few days to sort out. Why don’t you use the school time to fill out both journals.” She flipped open the gender journal. “I was hoping to see more of an explanation as to why these things make you beautiful. I’ll grab them after lunch and before the start of afternoon groups.” Susan smiled at Nicole. “Why don’t you go to breakfast. Everyone should be in there by now.”

“Ok. And thanks. I’ll get it done.” Nicole said, pointing down at her journal.

“Good girl.” Susan said, waving her out of the room.

Nicole internally cringed at Susan calling her girl, she was 16 years old, hardly a girl anymore, but she let it slide in the interest of being cooperative. 

 

The kitchen was empty but for Ben and Sean and one staff person Nicole didn’t recognize. There was a stack of individual cereal boxes with a large jar of milk on one end of the cafeteria line, and eggs and sausages at the other. Not much for selection.

It suddenly hit Nicole that Waverly wouldn’t be able to eat any of that. Well, maybe the cereal if it was dry, or she used water. But that was gross. There was a small pile of old looking fruit, she wondered if that’s what Waverly survived on in the mornings. Nicole wasn’t sure why she thought of it right then. 

She was staring at the cereal boxes when the staff member, a short, squattish man with light brown hair and a thick matching mustache, brought her back to reality with a rough voice.

“Can I help you? You’ll want to get eating quickly, there isn’t much time before the start of school.” He said, gruffly…

“Oh,” Nicole felt like a deer in headlights. Could she please go five minutes without disappointing or aggravating someone. Or at minimum, keep her mind focused on what she was supposed to be doing.

The staff person turned to face the two boys in the kitchen. “I said no seconds on the coco-puffs,” he pointed at Sean. “One box each, you know that. Now get out of here.”

He was shaking his head with a slight grimace when he looked back at Nicole. “Sorry, I have to keep a close eye on those two.” He walked over to Nicole and held out his hand. “I’m Randy. If you try to call me old-timer like that yahoo did on his first day, I’ll put you in CDR faster than you can say sorry.” He then winked and gave her a warm smile.

Nicole grinned back while shaking his hand. Somehow, despite his tough exterior, he seemed kinder than the other staff members she’d met in the last 24 hours. “I’ll try to resist the urge.”

“Good, you do that.” Randy chuckled. “Now go eat something before they mindlessly shuffle you off to the next thing.” Nicole grabbed some cereal then turned to walk out of the kitchen, when Randy added, “And Nicole, welcome to Hope.”

Nicole realized she hadn’t introduce herself to Randy. A chill ran down her back as she realized that the staff must all talk to each other about the kids on the unit. She felt unusually exposed as she walked into the dining room. 

X waved her over to his table, and Nicole noticed that Wynonna was again sitting alone. She quickly scanned the room for Waverly, but she wasn’t at breakfast. Nicole wondered if that was how she dealt with the non-vegan breakfasts, she just didn’t show up. 

“How’d you sleep?” X asked her.

Nicole slumped into a seat next to him. She really didn’t feel like talking to him, or anyone. What she really wanted to do was go back to her room and sleep for a few more hours. She opened the box of Cheerios and dumped it into her bowl and stared down at it. 

“Hey, I get it. Let me know what kind of cereal you like and I can grab a box for you, save it from the rest of them.” X said.

Nicole looked up at him. She wasn’t sure why she suddenly felt like crying. If it was the depression (maybe Lucado was right that her emotions were out of control), or the kindness of this kid sitting next to her offering to get her favorite cereal for her. He didn’t owe her anything, he didn’t know her, so why was he being so nice to her. 

Nicole swallowed down the lump in her throat. She refused to fucking cry. And she certainly wasn’t going to do it into her breakfast.

“Nicole?” Asked X.

She just kept watching him, studying his eyes. They were so dark and so warm. He was a big guy, like football player big, which normally would be a little intimidating, especially given her recent experiences at school. But while X was big, he didn’t come across as threatening. 

“You ok?” X tried again.

Nicole slowly shook her head. She felt like she was going to throw up. Before it got any worse, Nicole stood up, leaving her bowl of cereal behind and quickly walked back to her room. 

After closing the door behind her, she flopped face first into her bed and placed her head under her pillow. 

There came a knock on the door.

Could they just leave her alone for five minutes. She should have five minutes of peace, right?

The knock was stronger. 

“Nicole. Are you alright?” It was Susan. Nicole groaned into her bed.

She heard her door open and then Susan’s voice was much closer. 

“Nicole? I saw you walk out of the dining room without eating. Can you tell me what’s going on?” 

Nicole kept her face buried under pillow. No, she really didn’t want to talk right then. 

She heard the scrape of her desk chair being pulled closer to the bed. Presumably Susan was sitting next to her.

“Nicole. It’s ok to be sad or confused. But I need you to tell me what you’re feeling.”

“I feel like crap.” Nicole mumbled through her bedding.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t want to be here, I just want to sleep. I don’t think I belong here. This is just going to make things worse at school. And I...” She couldn’t continue without crying, so she stopped.

“You what?” Susan asked.

“Nothing” Nicole said, mostly to herself.

“How about I give you five minutes and then I want you to come out and talk to me properly. Plus, I have your first dose of Prozac. Ok?” Susan said.

Nicole nodded her head under the pillow.

“Ok, five minutes,” and Susan left, closing the door behind her. Nicole felt a wave of gratitude for the small amount of privacy. 

She rolled onto her back and beat down the urge to cry. 

Once she felt more in control, she stood up and, with a Herculean effort, walked out of her room. She didn’t want her moment of peace interrupted by another knock on the door, so she opted to head out into the living area before Susan had a chance to break the silence. 

When she walked out of her room, Nicole saw Waverly also leaving her room. Her long hair was draped over her shoulders in loose, damp curls, her bangs pushed flat back. She had a book in her hands.

Nicole briefly thought about asking Waverly what she ate for breakfast, then she thought about taking a shower herself, but doing it with Susan in the bathroom watching her was as repugnant as the breakfast she left behind in the dining room. Then she wondered if X had to clean up after her. She felt bad that someone would have to take care of her dishes for her, but there was no way she could have sat in that room for one second more...

“Nicole.” Susan’s voice broke into her thought process. She was sitting on one of the couches and motioned for Nicole to join her.

Nicole shook her head to clear away the cobwebs. Waverly walked over and sat down in a couch across from Susan and opened a book in her lap before tucking her feet up under her legs. 

The rest of the unit was empty, so all the other kids were still at breakfast.

Nicole sat down next to Susan, facing Waverly’s couch. 

“Can you tell me what happened back there?” Susan pointed toward the dining room. Nicole noticed Waverly peek up at her from her book.

“I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t feel like eating.” Nicole said.

“And that’s why you couldn’t talk to me in your bedroom?” Susan continued to push.

Nicole looked over at Susan. The blueness of her eyes made it a little hard to look at her. Nicole turned her gaze to her hands clasped in between her spread legs.

“I just needed some space. I was worried I might throw up.”

“Do you feel nauseated?” Susan asked, concerned. 

“Not really, not anymore.” 

“And what were you saying about school?” Susan pried. 

“Nothing.” Nicole clammed up.

Susan studied her for a moment. “I want you to talk about what’s going on in school during the depression group this afternoon.” Susan said.

Nicole opened her mouth to argue, but Susan cut her off. “That is going to be your assignment for today. Be as honest as possible, as open as possible and we might take you off of FMIs tonight if we see that you’re being a team player.”

The thought of coming off of FMIs gave Nicole hope. “So you don’t think I’m going to harm myself?”

“You haven’t shown any inclination toward self harm in the last 24 hours, but we still need to see that you are willing to do the work to get better.” She smiled at Nicole like she was offering a life-line. “Also, I have your medication. Do you think you’ll keep it down if you take it now?” Susan asked.

“Yeah. I think I’m better now.”

Susan handed her a small, white medication cup with a single pill in the bottom. “You may feel some dry mouth, dizziness, or upset stomach with the medication. So, if you start to feel off, just let me know.” She looked behind Nicole. “I’ll get you some water from the bathroom.” She left Nicole on the couch.

Nicole looked over at Waverly as she waited for Susan to return. Waverly was reading her book, but paused and looked up at Nicole. She gave her a quick smile, then focused back on her book. 

Susan walked around the couch and handed Nicole a small paper cup. Nicole swallowed the pill and downed the rest of the water, crushing the paper cups in her palm. 

“Thank you, Nicole. You can relax here until school starts, but I want you to try to eat something for lunch. It may help settle your stomach.”

Susan stood up and walked to the door to the A wing, watching the dining hall.

Nicole tried to focus on anything other than the girl sitting across from her. 

“Hey Nicole. What did they put you on?” She heard Waverly say.

Nicole looked back at her. Waverly’s book was sitting forgotten on her lap. 

“Prozac. Are you on anything?” Nicole asked.

“Prozac. I think most of us are on it. It makes me wonder if Prozac is secretly funding this place.”

Nicole smiled at this. “Does it help?”

“Not really. I mean, maybe a little, but I didn’t notice a big difference. They originally put me on Lithium, they thought it would help with my mood swings and the anger. It just made me a zombie. I could barely function, so they took me off of that and put me on Prozac instead.” 

“Huh.” Said Nicole. “So are most people here on meds?”

“I think so. As far as I know, yes.” Waverly picked up her book.

“Is it true that Wynonna punched her guidance counselor?”

A wry smile crept across Waverly’s face. She kept her eyes on the book but nodded her head. Then she looked over at Nicole. 

“What happened?” Nicole asked.

“He told her she had to come here.” Waverly said. 

“Your school counselor told you that you had to come here?” Nicole asked in disbelief.

“No, he told Wynonna, not me. I got sent after I cursed out the librarian for insulting Wy.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“The problem was I wouldn’t leave. A teacher tried to drag me out of there, but I kept running back in to yell at her. The school finally called the cops and they brought me here, too.”

Nicole immediately swallowed down the question: were you involuntarily committed? Instead, she asked, “How long have you been here?”

“About two weeks.”

“How long are most kids here?” Asked Nicole. 

“Three or four weeks.” 

“What level are you on?” Nicole wondered if Waverly was also on FMIs.

“I’m level 2, but I hope to jump up to level 3 soon. I want to get my tape player back.”

“I can’t wait to get my Walkman back. I don’t know how I’ll make it without.”

“I felt that way at first. But you get used to it. So you like Richard Marx?”

“Well, sort of. A little. I like grunge music better.”

“Oh.” Waverly sounded a little disappointed. “I think everyone here prefers grunge.”

“What do you like?” Nicole asked.

“Pop, Top 40’s. I love Paula Abdul.” 

Nicole groaned and buried her face in her palms. “You’re kidding me.”

“Hey, it’s not that bad. And you were the one singing ‘Right Here Waiting,’ if I may remind you.” Waverly shot back, looking firm.

Nicole held up her hands in surrender. “My bad. Pop music isn’t THAT bad.” She laughed. 

Waverly’s expression grew even more stern. “And at least I can listen to my music while here. My music isn’t all banned.” 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

Just then Wynonna swept into the wing. “Baby girl. Room.” She walked past them and into the sisters’ shared bedroom.

“Baby girl?” Nicole mouthed. Waverly scratched her head, secretly flipping Nicole the bird, then got up and followed Wynonna into their room. 

 

Eventually, a few kids came back onto the unit. Nicole was hoping to see X, but he didn’t show up. Nicole was wondering if this was a wing thing, when Sean sat down next to her. He was combing up his flat top. 

“So, you ready for day two?” He asked.

Nicole really didn’t want to encourage the conversation. “No.”

Sean laughed a little too loud. “Good one.”

Nicole internally groaned. Is he trying to flirt with me, she wondered. And if so, how can I get out of it as fast as possible. 

“You can sit next to me during school. I can show you how the system works, if you want.” Sean said, leaving his small pick sticking out of his hair. 

Nicole’s mind raced for a way to get out of that. While she didn’t know how the system worked, she took a leap of faith and said, “X already asked me. I said I’d sit with him.”

Sean’s face fell. “You should be careful of that guy. I don’t trust him.”

Nicole glowered at him. Other than tricking her into drinking the chocolate milk, and really, she wasn’t entirely sure that was an honest trick, X had been nothing but nice to her.

“Why don’t you trust him?” Nicole asked.

“Because. He’s too nice to you. I think he wants something from you.” Sean said, giving Nicole a super earnest look. 

Who was this jack-ass? “I could say the same thing about you. You don’t know me from anyone. Why are you being so nice to me?” Nicole said.

“I know people. I can tell about people. You look like you need a friend.” Sean clarified. 

Just then Nicole heard Wynonna’s voice burst out behind her.

“Hey Vanilla Ice.” 

Nicole shifted around in her seat to see Wynonna standing behind her. “Leave the new girl alone. She doesn’t need your rabies.” 

Nicole’s eyes went wide before turning back to look at Sean. His face was bright red.

“It was scabies and that was over a year ago, you jerk.” Sean yelled at Wynonna. And as if magnetically drawn by the escalating tension in the room, three staff people appeared on the wing. Randy walked up behind Sean.

“Son.” He said in a deep voice. “Maybe this is a good time to walk away. Just like we talked about in group the other day.” 

Sean’s face was still beet red. He sat rigidly still.

Wynonna started to say something else, when Randy cut her off before she could even get the first words out.

“And that’s enough from you, Missy.” He pointed at Wynonna, giving her a death glare before placing a hand on Sean’s shoulder. “Come take a walk with me, it’s going to be ok. You’re not in trouble. Let’s take a cool down walk.”

Sean stood up and walked off the unit, Randy followed right behind him.

Nicole didn’t realize that she’d been holding her breath. Holy shit, she thought, that went south fast. The other staff people stayed on the unit to keep an eye on Wynonna. 

She and Waverly sat down on the couch next to Nicole.

“The best part of having to participate in all these stupid groups is you get all the juiciest dirt on everyone here.” She smiled a wide, shit-eating grin. “That wanker got all weepy in group yesterday telling us how he hit his ex-girlfriend because she made fun of his crabs.” 

“Wy!” Waverly shot out, leaning around her sister. “That’s supposed to be private! What we say in group is supposed to stay in the group.”

“Oh please!” Wynonna turned to face Waverly with a frown. “Like anything stays private here. I bet Red Delicious over here already knows the real reason why we’re at Hope.” She turned back to face Nicole. “So, DO you know the real reason my sister and I are here?”

“X said you shot your Dad.” Nicole admitted, not sure she really wanted to do that.

“See, there you go. Red Hot already knows and she’s only been here for ten hours.”

“More like twenty two hours.” Waverly corrected her, casually.

“Not helping.” Wynonna pointed at her. “So, Pepper-top..” She started again.

“Don’t you mean Carrot-top?” asked Nicole with a roll of her eyes. That was a nickname Nicole was used to hearing.

“Have you looked in the mirror lately? Your hair is red, not orange. Come on, keep up, Cherry Stem.” Wynonna said, clapping her hands together.

Susan interrupted Wynonna to tell all the kids on the A wing to get ready for school. 

Nicole went back into her room. She opened the drawers under her bed where she stashed her school books, but then remembered what Susan had told her about using the time to fill out her journals. Nicole closed the drawers and walked over to her desk, picking up both of the journals and the pen that the hospital gave her to replace her confiscated mechanical pencils, suicide-safe pens. She walked out of the room and lined up with the other kids from A wing. 

 

When the A wing kids walked into the classroom, Nicole saw that the B wing kids were already in their seats. X was sitting toward the back, but there was a free seat behind him. Nicole made her way to the free spot behind X. He gave her a forced, small flash of a smile when she walked beside him, before turning his attention back to the book open on his desk. He didn’t say anything.

Nicole furrowed her brows, worried that she had done something to piss him off. She wondered if he was mad that he had to clean up after her, when she stormed out from breakfast. Nicole wondered if she’d already managed to fuck up the only real friendship she felt like she had in there.

Perfect. Just like school. 

There was a staff person sitting at the head of the classroom at his own desk facing the kids. When they had all filed in, he spoke up.

“Alright, everyone. Take your seats. I want you all to get started where you left off yesterday. As always, if you have any questions, you may come up, but I really want you to try and figure out the answer on your own first.” The small man was white with curly, brown hair and thick glasses.

Once all the kids were in their seats, he rose from his desk and walked back to Nicole. He greeted her warmly.

“Hi, you must be Nicole. I’m Mr. Freedland.” The short man held out his hand. “I’m the teacher for the high school unit. I’ll be helping to coordinate your homework with your school, so you don’t fall too far behind.” He smiled down at her. 

“Since we haven’t had a chance to contact your school regarding homework, you may choose a text book from our library that you think will be on par with your studies and work on that. Once you get settled, I’ll have a chance to develop a course of study for you.”

“Dr. Lucado gave me these journals. My nurse, Susan, wants me to use the school time to work on that.”

“Oh, ok. Normally, we don’t allow students to work on therapy during school time. We prefer that you focus on your studies, but since it’s your first day, and I haven’t come up with a study schedule for you yet, I’ll allow it. But just this once. I want you doing school work during school. That’s important. You have the rest of the day to do therapy. This is the only time for school work.”

Nicole nodded her head. She saw Waverly walk up to the front of the classroom to check out the encyclopedias lining a bookshelf behind Mr. Freedland’s desk.

Nicole looked down at the two journals sitting on her desk. She opened up the gender journal and decided to finish off that one first. 

List five things about yourself that make you feel beautiful. How do these things make you feel more like a woman?

1\. I like the way my butt looks in my jeans.  
2\. I like my red hair.  
3\. I like my dimple.  
4\. I like to sing.  
5\. I’m a good soccer player.

1\. I like the way my butt looks in my jeans: (This one is obvious.) I like the way my jeans hug my hips, it shows off my soccer butt. I think people who play soccer have the best butts. That makes me feel beautiful.  
2\. I like my red hair: Well, I get a lot of compliments from people, but sometimes I don’t like having red hair. So, I guess it’s beautiful because a lot of people like it, but I don’t always like it myself.  
3\. I like my dimple: I actually really do like my dimple. I think it’s cute, like my butt. And my parents also say they think it’s one of my best features, that I should smile more often and show off my dimple.  
4\. I like to sing: I really like singing. Not in front of people, but I like the way my voice sounds. I mostly like to sing Beatles’ songs. I think I have a beautiful voice. I think that makes me beautiful.  
5\. I’m a good soccer player: This is the best thing. I love playing soccer. I feel like I can really be free. When I get on the pitch, I become a whole new person. I become invincible, I can fly down the field. When I strip the ball from an opposing player and carry the ball up the field, there is nothing that can stop me. But the best feeling is when I score a goal. There is no better feeling than that. It’s like I am completely electrified and glowing. I run through the field and everyone on my team is surrounding me and I scream at the top of my lungs and there is literally no better feeling than that. I mean, just thinking about it, my hands are shaking and I can feel all of that energy pushing through me, I love that feeling. Like I am king of the world. It’s the best, and I think that makes me beautiful. Well, I guess I don’t really think about how I look then, but it’s more about how I feel.

Nicole looked over her answers and nodded her approval. She liked her soccer answer the best. Then she turned to her other journal and read over the question.

What are your feelings about your first day in the hospital? What do you hope to accomplish while you are here?

Nicole sat back in her seat. She looked up and studied the back of X’s head. He hadn’t turned to look at her or acknowledged her existence in anyway since the start of school. She guessed she had broken some unspoken hospital rule and totally fucked up whatever friendship there was between them. She looked back down at her journal.

What did she hope to accomplish? She hoped that she could repair her friendship with X. She hoped to get to know Wynonna and Waverly a little better. She hoped to get out of there as quickly as possible. She hoped to get off of FMIs soon because that sucked so much. 

From the corner of her eye, she saw Waverly get up and walk to the bookshelf again. She picked out a different encyclopedia and walked back to her desk.

Nicole looked up at Mr. Freedland sitting at the head of the classroom. Maybe he could help her get started on the questions in her feelings journal. 

Nicole stood up. She immediately noticed that every staff person in the back of the classroom had their eyes trained on her, wondering what she was about to do. Did they think she was about to freak out, or something? 

Nicole approached Mr. Freedland. “I’m kind of stuck on this question.” She held out her feelings journal. 

“Let’s take a look at it.” He took the journal from Nicole and opened it to the first page. 

“I’m not sure what they want to hear.” Nicole said.

He read over the questions and looked up at Nicole. “Why don’t you just focus on the first question right now. That should be an easier question to answer. What are your feelings about being here?”

“I don’t want to.” 

Mr. Freedland smiled at that. “Sure, of course. So start with that, but write about why you don’t think you need to be here.”

“Well, I guess it’s not that I think I don’t need to be here, I just don’t want to be.” Nicole said.

“Now that’s an interesting idea to explore. Write about why you think you need to be here and then compare that to why you don’t want to be here.”

“Isn’t that a little obvious?” Nicole asked.

“Not at all. And even if it seems obvious to you, it’s still a great starting point. Why don’t you write two paragraphs, one about why you need to be here and the second about why you don’t want to be here. Then bring it back up to me.”

“Ok.” Nicole said, taking her journal and walking back to her desk. As she approached X, she saw him deliberately push a folded piece of paper onto the floor. It had her name written across it. Nicole looked up to see if any of the staff people noticed the note fall to the ground. They were focused on Ben instead since he was getting out of his seat.

Nicole “accidentally” dropped her journal on top of the note and picked up both as she stooped down. 

When she sat down at her desk, she pulled the note out on top of her journal and opened it up.

Did I do something wrong?  
Or say something wrong?  
If so, I’m sorry.  
X

Nicole re-read the note. She crinkled up her brows. He thought she was mad at him? Nicole flashed back to breakfast. She had just stormed out of there, maybe he thought she left because she was pissed at him.

So that was why he wasn’t talking to me? Nicole felt a pang of guilt that X had thought she was so pissed at him that she abandoned him at breakfast. 

She quickly scribbled her reply. 

I’m not mad at you at all.  
I thought I was going to barf.  
That’s why I left at breakfast.  
Nicole

She folded up the paper and slipped it back under her journal. She glanced around the quiet room. Everyone was in their seats and working. She couldn’t risk dropping the note then. She had to wait for an opportunity to pass the note off to X when someone caused a diversion.

Until then, she tried to focus on the two paragraphs she had to write. 

Eventually, Waverly got up for a third time to get a new encyclopedia. It wasn’t the diversion that Nicole needed to pass her note to X, though. No one seemed to pay her any attention when she got up. She must do it all the time, Nicole reasoned. 

A little while later, Sean stood up and asked Randy if he could go to the bathroom. That seemed as good a moment as she could hope for. So Nicole kicked the back of X’s chair before pushing the note off her desk between them. X glanced back at her and she directed him to the note by pointedly looking down at the ground. He smiled and dropped his pencil and picked up both it and the note. 

After reading the note, X looked back over his shoulder and smiled at Nicole.

“X, eyes on your own work.” A staff person called out behind them.

Nicole grinned into her journal. Note passed, message received, friendship restored. She went back to work on her paragraphs. 

When she finished writing, she brought the journal back up to Mr. Freedland. He checked over her work and circled a place where Nicole’s noun and verb didn’t agree.

“This looks fine. I’d really like to see more details, a little more explanation of what you’d do at home if you weren’t here, but this is a good start. Why don’t you pick out a book from behind me and you can use the rest of the time to read. In fact, what are you studying in history?” He asked her.

“American History. We’re at the Civil War.” Nicole answered.

“Oh, perfect. I have a great book for you, it’s called “Rifles for Watie” by Harold Keith, it won a Newbury Award. It should be back there.” He gestured behind at the book shelf.

Nicole walked over to the bookshelf and kneeled down to look over the books. As she bent down, Waverly came up again. She crouched down next to Nicole.

“What are you looking for?” She asked Nicole while looking over the books.

“‘Rifles For Watie.’ It’s a Civil War book.” 

“Oh yeah, it’s with the fiction. I haven’t read that one, yet. Is that what you’re working on?” Waverly asked.

“Yeah, Civil War stuff. Honestly, I really don’t care about that stuff. It’s so boring.” Nicole said.

“God, you sound like Wynonna. It’s not boring. What have you read about the Civil War?”

“My history text book?” Nicole asked, confused, like she would bother reading anything else beyond that.

“Well, that’s your problem. Text books make even the best subjects boring. Try reading a first hand account of a civil war veteran, or better yet, read Ambrose Bierce. He’s great; he’s funny and so sarcastic...” 

“How do you know all this?” Nicole cut her off.

“Yep, you definitely sound like Wynonna. I read, dummy, how do you know all the things you do?”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “So what are you reading, the entire encyclopedia?”

“You are so funny.” Waverly smirked at Nicole and playfully slapped her shoulder. “If you must know, I’m doing a research paper on biology.” 

“Is this for school?” Nicole asked.

“No, just for me. We don’t have a school at the moment.”

“You got kicked out?” Nicole said, shocked.

“We were asked not to return.”

“So kicked out.”

Waverly gave her a challenging side eye. “We’re going to have to transfer anyway. It’s just that we don’t know yet where we’re going.”

“What do you mean?” Nicole asked.

“I mean, we don’t know who is taking us in after all this.” Waverly faced her head on. “We might go to our Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis, but they live so far away. Who knows.”

“Where do they live?” Nicole asked.

“Some place in Colorado, Purgatory I think.”

“Girls, it’s time to get back to work.” Mr. Freedland interrupted.

Nicole didn’t want to end their conversation, so she took a chance and turned to Mr. Freedland.

“Would it be ok if I help Waverly on her research paper? I’ve always liked biology; I’m planning on taking AP Bio next year.” Nicole asked. She bit her bottom lip as she waited for his answer.

Mr. Freedland let out a small sigh. “Ok, but just for today. I’m hoping that you’ll have actual school work to do by tomorrow.”

“Great! Thanks, Mr. Freedland.” Nicole answered, then turned to Waverly. She was looking at Nicole surprised.

“What are you working on?” Nicole whispered.

“The life cycles of butterflies. But I kinda got dragged down a wormhole of research about the different types of butterflies.”

“Cool, let’s start there. Why don’t you show me what you have so far.” Nicole stood up and walked back to Waverly’s desk. 

“Girls, why don’t you take a couch in the back, so you don’t bother the others. And I want to see actual work being done, or I’m going to pull the plug.” Mr. Freedland said.

“Got it.” Waverly said, walking behind Nicole. She swept in front and grabbed all of her research and notebook. She took a couch as far away from the staff people sitting in the back of the room as possible. 

Once she was sitting, she looked up at Nicole, who was standing in front of her. “Why are you doing this?”

Nicole took the seat next to Waverly. “You make school sound interesting. I wanted to study with you.” Nicole shrugged her shoulders. “If I had to read that Civil War book, I think I’d fall asleep.”

Waverly giggled. “Ok. Fine.” She nodded her head in agreement. “But if you get in my way, this is over.”

“Sure. What do you need?” 

“I was intrigued by the Blue Morpho Butterfly because blue is the most rare color found in nature. And those butterflies are super blue.”

“Ok, let’s start there.”

“But you know the best part about the Blue Morpho Butterfly. They’re not actually blue. Cool, huh? They just look blue because that’s how the light reflects off their wings.”

“But then what color are they?”

“They’re blue. I mean, they look blue, but that’s just a refraction of the light.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Ok, so look at my eyes.” Waverly opened her eyes really wide. “My eyes are hazel. But they aren’t. Not really. It’s the way the light reflects back off of my eyes that make them look hazel.”

All Nicole thought was they looked pretty. 

“Huh? So what about brown eyes? Are my eyes really brown or fake brown?”

“Open them up a bit.” Waverly moved in close. Nicole held her breath as the other woman leaned well into her personal space. She tried to hold her eyes open for Waverly without staring at her, which was impossible. “They look like two pieces of chocolate.” She leaned back, smiling widely at Nicole, who tried to chuckle but missed. She coughed instead.

“I think they’re really brown. Or they should be. They’re so pretty.” Waverly added.

Nicole felt her cheeks light up. “Um, thanks, I think.” 

“So, blue butterflies.” Waverly opened her composition book. She flipped halfway back through the journal. 

“Wait, how long have you been working on this?” Nicole asked, watching Waverly flip through a ton of writing in the notebook.

“I started when I got here.”

“You’ve done all that work in two weeks?” Nicole asked, mystified.

“This isn’t that much work. The pages are really small; it looks like more than it is.” Waverly said, flippantly.

“So like the blue on the butterfly’s wing?”

Waverly pursed her lips to hide her smile. “Something like that.”

 

When school let out after three hours, it was time for lunch. Nicole found Susan standing outside the B wing door. She handed off her journals before walking back to her room. She felt pretty good about finishing her entries for both and helping Waverly with her project. She was secretly hoping that her school wouldn’t be able to send in her homework, and she’d have another day to work with Waverly during school. It made the hours pass by quickly. 

Again at lunch, Nicole sat with X, along with Ben and Sean, unfortunately. 

Susan approached their table, she had the journals in her hand. “Nicole, thank you for filing these out. I left some comments for you in each. I hope that you’ll be able to respond to them by tomorrow. I want you to turn them in to Rosita, who will be back on the the unit tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Nicole said.

Susan walked away to stand at the entrance to the dining hall. 

“What’s the second journal for?” Asked Ben, shoveling a fork-full of baked beans in his mouth.

“Dude, that’s up to her to say. It’s none of your business.” X responded.

“Hey big guy, asking a question doesn’t hurt anyone.” Sean defended his friend.

“It does if you’re a jerk about it.” X said under his breath.

“Hey, it’s ok.” Nicole looked at X. “It’s a stupid gender journal. They don’t think I’m girly enough. They think that’s why I’m depressed.” 

“Not girly enough? Girl, you are fine. You’re girly enough for me.” Sean said, happily. 

X shot him a look that just about slapped his face. 

“Sean, we don’t talk about starting relationships in the hospital. Relationships are strictly forbidden. The same goes for flirting.” Susan called out across the room.

Sean swiveled in his chair to face Susan. “I wasn’t flirting, I was being nice.” 

“Whatever it was, you need to stop it right now. And if I have to remind you again, you’re going to have to take a time out.” 

He turned back to face the table and murmured, “Bitch.”

“Sean! That’s it. Time out right now!” Susan yelled. Two staff members started to approach Sean. His face went red; he stood up and threw his milk against the wall where it exploded into a large chocolate splatter. He followed that up with his fist, hitting the wall. X shot his arm out across Nicole’s stomach, pushing her back.

Then time slowed down to a crawl, as two big staff members tackled Sean to the ground in the middle of the dining room. Even Susan jumped in and grabbed his legs. 

There was an emergency call put out over the unit loud speaker calling all available staff to the dining hall. 

Randy ran into the dining room and told all the rest of the kids to go to the A wing. X grabbed Nicole’s shoulder, half hoisting her out of her chair and dragging her around the squirming body of Sean under the pile of three adults restraining him. 

When they got onto the A wing, X pushed Nicole into the back corner. He looked her in the eye. “Hey, you ok?”

Nicole’s mind was a complete blank. 

X repeated his question. But Nicole still wasn’t able to answer him. She just stared dumbly into his dark eyes.

Then X pulled her into a tight hug, and the wall broke. Nicole cried into his tall shoulder. 

“X, no touching other patients.” Randy called out.

“He scared her.” X shot back, letting Nicole go. She immediately missed the comfort. 

“I understand. But I still have to insist on no touching.” Randy said, sympathetically. “Nicole, are you ok? Did he hit you?”

Nicole wiped away a tear and shook her head. She felt stupid for crying, but that scared the shit out of her. She refused to look over where Wynonna and Waverly were sitting on a couch.

“Give me a couple minutes and we can talk about it, if you want.” Randy said.

Nicole took a deep breath and slowly blew it out. “That’s ok. I’m fine. It just startled me a little.”

“I understand. It can be really upsetting to see that. But Sean’s ok, he’s just being taken down to the CDR. He’ll be ok when he calms down.” Randy reassured her.

Nicole couldn’t give a flying fuck about Sean. She’d never had anything like that happen before, and right in front of her.

“Hey girly,” X said jokingly, nudging Nicole in the arm. “I hope I didn’t hurt your shoulder when I grabbed you.”

Nicole looked at X and shook her head. 

“Why don’t you get the deck of cards by the stereo, we can play spit.”

“I’ve never played spit.” Nicole said, standing still. Her legs were refusing to move.

X walked over and picked up the cards. “It’s ok, I’ll teach you.”

 

Afternoon groups were delayed so that everyone could finish up their lunches after the dining room was cleaned up. X stuck right next to Nicole from lunch to groups, like he could sense that she was still thrown by the take down of Sean. She was grateful because she was embarrassed that she was the only person who seemed so upset by the events. She didn’t want to think about what Waverly or, God, Wynonna thought about her little crying fit. They probably thought she was a complete baby. Maybe Wynonna would start calling her baby girl, too.

As the depression group assembled for the start of their therapy session, Nicole was thankful that Waverly and Wynonna were in the other group. 

X sat right next to her, trying to crack jokes, but she really didn’t feel like laughing. She flinched out a smile every now and then, hoping he wouldn’t feel completely put off by her. 

Susan led the depression group that day. After checking in with the group to make sure everyone was ok after lunch, she started in on one of the other kids first. Nicole knew her time was coming. Susan had told her to talk about school during the group; she wouldn’t let her go without doing it. She stared at her hands and picked at a hangnail on her thumb. She peeled it back to the point of drawing blood. While it didn’t hurt at the moment, she knew it would start to hurt soon and cursed herself for pulling at it. She placed her thumb in her mouth to clean up the blood. 

“So Nicole. I want you to tell us about what’s been going on in school for you.” Susan said.

Then every kid in the room turned their attention to her, and there she was with her thumb in her mouth. 

Fuck. Perfect.

She pulled her thumb out and shoved her hands in her jeans pockets, hoping the blood would be blotted inside.

“I’m not sure what to say.” Nicole said, quietly. 

“Can you tell us about lunch times at your school?” Susan prodded.

Fuck, really? Straight for the jugular.

“I don’t know, lunch sucks. I don’t have anyone to sit with.” Nicole answered.

“Well, it sounds like there’s more to it than that.”

“Nobody likes me. Nobody sits with me. It’s high school, and the people there are...” She paused trying to find the right, non-curse word to describe the assholes at her school.

“Mean?” Suggested Susan.

Nicole nodded, that word was definitely appropriate. 

“What have they been doing?” Susan asked.

“Sometimes they trip me, or dump my books or lunch tray. It got to the point that I avoid certain hallways and pack my own lunch so I don’t have to walk through the cafeteria line.”

“Is that everything?” Susan asked.

“They say things, too. There’s this one group of girls who call me Farmer Nicole because I like wearing flannels and jeans.” Nicole admitted, her cheeks were starting to grow really warm.

“Do they ever say those things when you wear skirts or dresses to school?” 

“I don’t wear dresses.” Nicole frowned at Susan.

“Do you think they would treat you the same if you did wear dresses?” Susan asked.

“I don’t know.” Nicole was still frowning at her.

“Would you be willing to try?”

“Try wearing dresses, so that a group of mean girls might be a little more friendly with me?”

“Sure, maybe they’d let you sit with them during lunch, if you fit in a little more.” Susan suggested.

LET me sit with them? The thought turned Nicole’s stomach. Like she’d ever allow them to sit with her. 

“Are there any other kids more like you, that you can sit with?” Asked X. “They sound like jerks.”

“X.” Susan scolded.

“Sorry.” 

“Language aside, X asks a good question. Are there any other kids like you at school?” Susan asked.

Nicole wasn’t sure what she was getting at, like a tomboy, or a soccer player, or a kid teased by the rest of humanity because she liked flannels. 

“No. Not really.”

“Does that mean anything to you?” Susan kept peppering her with questions.

“Nope.”

“Don’t you want to fit in more? Do you want to make more friends, have closer friendships, maybe even date?”

Nicole’s face suddenly went bright red. Date? What did Susan know about that? 

“I’m fine.”

“It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like your lack of friends has really impacted your high school experience. You told your mom that you refused to go back to school, that’s why you came here.”

Nicole felt her whole body tense. She didn’t want to go back there. 

“I want you to think about what’s in your power to change at school.” Susan said.

“Like wearing dresses?” Nicole said, snidely. 

“Yes, exactly. Like wearing dresses. That is something within your power, you control that. And that can change the way everyone sees you. How they interact with you.” Susan added.

Nicole rolled her eyes. 

“As an experiment, I would like for your parents to bring in a dress for you to wear while here. I want you to see how simply changing your clothes can change your whole outlook.”

“Really?” Dread was settling in.

“Really. Are you willing to try?” Susan looked at her so intently, Nicole could almost read her thoughts: you do this, and I’ll take you off of FMIs.

“Fine. I’ll try.” Nicole relented.

“Good girl. I’m proud of you.” Susan smiled at her, then moved on to the next person.

 

Sean rejoined the group in time for gym. His hand was bound up in an ace bandage. He kept telling everyone that it didn’t hurt too bad, but he winced every time he accidentally tried to move it.

For gym, the whole group was brought together to work on a team building exercise. They were going to be divided into groups of three and had to work together to solve problems like how to cross a lake of lava with only three small boards.

As the staff was explaining the first challenge, Nicole glanced around the room. The kids were all mentally pairing themselves off. Nicole hoped to be in a group with X.

The staff started to break them down into their groups. Nicole was paired with X and Waverly. She tried to hide her excitement, since that was the best group she could hope for. 

Wynonna was paired with Sean and Ben, and she folded her arms across her chest and set her jaw.

“No way I’m teaming up with Milli Vanilli.” She pointed at the two friends. For their part, they didn’t seem any more excited to be paired with Wynonna.

Randy spoke up with his gruff voice. “You’re not working with your sister. You need to start learning how to play nicely with others.”

Wynonna was starring daggers at Randy. “I know how to play nicely with others,” She narrowed her eyes. “I just choose not to.” She smiled like that was the end of the argument.

“Consider it character building.” Randy suggested.

“I have plenty of character.” She rolled her eyes.

“Wy.” Waverly said tentatively next to her. “Please.”

“No. No way. I can’t stand those two jackals. I’d rather sit it out.” Wynonna said, walking to the wall and sitting down.

“Fine.” Said Randy, “if that’s your decision. I’ll escort her back to the unit.” He said to the other staff members. Wynonna stood up and followed Randy out of the gym.

Nicole heard Waverly curse lightly under her breath.

She walked over. “I’m sure she’s going to be fine.” Nicole offered.

“I know, I know. Who cares.” Waverly said a little too fast, then walked away, waving off Nicole, shaking her head.

When X, Waverly, and Nicole all got together to plan out a strategy for crossing the lava lake, Nicole could tell Waverly was totally distracted.

“Hey, is everything ok?” Nicole asked her.

“Peachy keen.” She gave Nicole a fake smile, and picked up a board.

“Shouldn’t we discuss how to do this?” Asked X, watching as Waverly set down the first board.

“No, we shouldn’t because I already know how to do it. We all climb onto the middle board and pass the final board up and place it at the front. Then we slowly make our way across the stupid gym, like this means anything to any of us. I mean seriously, how is this even team building? It just gives Sean a chance to grope my sister’s ass and call it ‘being a team player.’ Well, you know what, everyone can just suck it.” Waverly whole body appeared to be vibrating. A staff member was walking over to them when Nicole jumped into action.

“Hey, I know those two are complete jerks, and you’re right, this is a stupid exercise, but you aren’t going to help Wynonna by getting a time out, too.” She glanced over at the staff person, who had held back to see how their conversation would play out. “Since you already have this figured out, can you help X and I get through it?” She looked back at Waverly, silently pleading with her eyes.

Waverly sighed and shrugged. “Fine.”

“Thanks.” Nicole said, as much to a higher power as to Waverly. 

As they started the project, Nicole made sure she was standing next to Waverly on the board. X took up the rear, passing the boards, one by one. 

When they were about half way across the gym, Nicole tried to get Waverly talking again.

“So, is everything ok with Wynonna? She seems a little tense today.” Nicole paused, then restarted. “I mean, not that I have much experience to compare against.”

Waverly didn’t look back at her. Or acknowledge that she said anything. Or respond in anyway. Nicole figured she just wanted to be left alone. She took the next board from X.

“They want to move her out of my room.” Waverly’s voice was so small, Nicole had to lean in closer to hear her.

“They’re moving Wynonna out of your room?” Nicole asked to clarify.

“Randy told her this morning after breakfast. If she doesn’t show improvement, they’re going to move her in a single room.” Waverly’s body seemed to shrink in on itself. “They want to split us up.” 

Nicole stood up straight and turned on the board to fully face Waverly, who had her back to Nicole. “I’m so sorry.” She placed a hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t know.”

“Nobody knew. When we talked about it this morning, she swore she’d try to behave today, and then immediately stirred up Sean before school. Now this. It’s like she’s deliberately doing it.” 

X leaned around Nicole. “What’s the hold up?” He asked.

Nicole shushed him. “Waverly, I don’t think she’d do that on purpose. Maybe she’s scared about it happening, too, and this is just how she shows it.” Nicole tried to think quickly about how to explain herself. “Wynonna seems to use humor to protect herself, to create a wall around her. I don’t care if she makes fun of me because I know she doesn’t really mean it. But for Sean, he’s on such a tight trigger, anything seems to set him off. It’s a bad combination.”

“Exactly. It’s a terrible combination. Why would the staff do that, pairing them off. It’s like they’re hoping they both explode.” Waverly turned slightly to look back at Nicole. Her eyes carried a tremendous weight.

“Well, I think the fact that she recognized that it was a bad idea and would lead to bigger problems was a sign of maturity. She took herself out of the potential disaster, and that shows a lot of personal insight. So maybe it isn’t as bad as it seems.” Nicole reasoned, tilting her head to the side. 

“Yeah.” Waverly sounded unconvinced. “I hope so.”

 

At Wrap-Up that night, Waverly and Wynonna shared a couch. Nicole noticed that Waverly was holding Wynonna’s hand like her life depended on it. The staff didn’t seem to care about the sisters touching. 

Nicole sat on the next couch closest to Wynonna. She tried to keep an eye on the two girls. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt partly responsible for them. Somehow, in her gut, Nicole thought that if the sisters were split up, that would mean the end of her friendship with either one.

Susan started on one end of the room and asked each kid to recount their day, going over things that helped or hurt their therapeutic process. When it came time for Nicole to recount her day, Susan jumped in before she had a chance to start.

“Nicole, I want you to know that I spoke with your parents today. They have agreed to bring in a dress for you to wear when they drop off your school work tomorrow. Are you still willing to try wearing a dress?” Susan asked.

The thought of wearing a dress made Nicole’s skin crawl, but she really wanted to come off of FMIs and show Susan she was a team player.

“Yes.” She agreed in a flat tone. 

“Great. Then I don’t see any reason why we can’t move you up to level 2.” Susan beamed at her. All the kids sitting in the couch circle half-heartedly clapped for her.

So, to move up the levels, all she had to do was follow their rules and directions, no matter how stupid they were. Suddenly, level 3 and Nicole’s Walkman didn’t seem so far away. She was a rule follower, she could do that. It was just for a couple weeks. What could it hurt? Nicole felt a little more motivated to follow through on her therapy.

Next up was Wynonna. 

“So, Wynonna.” Susan’s voice changed abruptly from light to heavy. “It seems like you struggled a bit today? Would you agree?”

“I had a fine day. Thank you very much.” Wynonna studied her nails. “I didn’t get a single time out.”

“What happed during gym?” Susan asked.

“I chose to remove myself from a situation that I knew would cause me to loose my temper.” Wynonna answered with a straight face. “Just like we talked about during the anger group yesterday.” She bit down on both of her lips in finality.

Susan frowned at Wynonna. “We also talked about your need to practice working alongside people you know you don’t like. The world is full of people we don’t like, that doesn’t mean we can always walk away from every situation. You have to learn to keep your anger in check when confronting people with whom you disagree.”

Wynonna rolled her eyes, and Waverly nudged her with their combined hands. 

“I’m sorry. I should have tried to work with Ben and Jerry during gym.” It sounded like the admission greatly pained her.

“That’s another thing. You are constantly making fun of people by changing up their names. You think you’re being funny, but really, you’re not.” Susan shook her head in disapproval. 

Wynonna let out a loud sigh and rolled her eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Waverly nudged her again, harder this time. “Just ask Char-Broil over here,” She pointed at Nicole. “Do you care that I make up nicknames for you?”

Nicole shook her head, “nope.”

“What Nicole thinks isn’t important here. It’s what we think, the staff and I.” Susan jumped in. “And what we think is that you have become increasingly belligerent during your stay. You don’t seem to be trying very hard to work on your issues, and frankly, you have some very serious issues to overcome. There are very real consequences that you are facing, if I might remind you, far more important than room assignments in the hospital.” Susan’s voice was stern. 

It made Nicole wonder if she was facing possible criminal charges for the shooting. Nicole kept her eyes on Susan, terrified to see what was going on with Wynonna and Waverly. 

“And as a result of your actions, or lack there of, we have decided to move you to a single room tomorrow morning during school.” Susan continued.

Waverly jumped up and ran to their room. The staff watched her leave, but didn’t bother to follow.

“This will be your final chance to prove that you are a team player, Wynonna.”

Nicole chanced a glance at Wy. Her face was hard, but her eyes were swollen with tears. She let out a hot breath. “Yep. Sure.” She coughed out, wiping away a fallen tear.

When Wrap-Up group let out, Wynonna walked back to her room, and Nicole didn’t see either sister for the rest of the night.

Back in her room, Nicole opened up her gender journal to see what Susan’s comments were. Under her paragraph about playing soccer, Susan wrote:

Soccer doesn’t make a woman beautiful, please find a feature of yourself that you like and think about how that makes you pretty. Also, you didn’t explain how the things you wrote about make you a woman. Please explain.

Nicole groaned and threw her journal on the floor behind her. So much for honesty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to my beta, DreadPirateBrown.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Depictions of depression and a pissed off Waverly. But Susan isn’t on duty, so you don’t have to deal with her bullshit.

Chapter 3

 

2008:  
Nicole stayed up WAY too late that night, considering she had a 9am class the next morning. But she honestly couldn’t help herself. Once she clicked on Waverly’s Facebook profile, she opened a wormhole of the most exquisite and excruciating kind. 

Finding Waverly was the wonderful part. There were dozens of pictures of her posted to her timeline. Nicole couldn’t help but smile when she saw them. The difficult part was the whole married with a baby. Most of Waverly’s pictures included either a stupidly cute buck of a man and/ or a kid. 

Nicole tried not to feel too disappointed. What was she expecting, really? That Waverly would still be single, secretly waiting for her after a decade and a half? No, that’s what Nicole was doing, she chastised herself.

So, after dragging herself out of bed for school that morning, she made a new resolution. She’d let the profile alone, for now, and try not to think about it. She’d made a promise to herself at the beginning of the school year, anyway, no women during her final year. She had no idea where she’d end up next year. So her sole focus this year was to set up her career. She had priorities. 

The little devil sitting on her shoulder laughed heartily. 

When she got to school, Nicole called X. She knew his voice would help pull her out of the funk she felt. Or if not pull her out, then at least act as a release valve. 

“Hey X, how was last night?” She greeted him.

“Fine. I got to meet some of the freshman class.” He said.

“Oh really? How bad?” She laughed at their inside joke.

“Pretty bad. I think they were racing to see who could get alcohol poisoning first.”

“Ugh. Did anyone yack in your cruiser this time?”

“No. Thank God. We did have to take one kid to the hospital for observation, though. I’m not sure how the ambulance faired.”

Nicole laughed, shaking her head. September meant one thing in Bloomington for the police department, freshmen finding new and inventive ways to get kicked out of college before the end of their first semester. 

“So did you ever hear from Waverly?” X asked.

“Actually, yes. She friended me.”

“And?”

“And... And she’s married with a baby.” Nicole said.

“I’m sorry.”

“A super cute baby” Nicole grumbled.

“I’m super sorry.”

“And a super cute husband.”

“Do you want to pretend you’re a freshman; you can drown your sorrows if we go out.” X offered.

“Even though you don’t drink?”

“I’ll take care of you.”

“You know what, that sounds perfect.” Nicole said. “Where do you want to go?”

“We can walk to Nick’s.”

“You’re on.” Nicole said. When she ended the call, she felt a little better, that even if fate was spitting in her face, she didn’t have to take it so personally. She pulled out her computer and got ready for her morning classes.

 

Friday night, Nicole put on her favorite low rise jeans and fitted blue Oxford shirt. She rolled her sleeves just to mid-forearm and scrunched a bit of mousse into her hair to give the curls the appearance of deliberate messiness. 

She met X at his apartment. She dropped off her change of clothes (just in case) by his couch, as X finished getting ready.

While walking down the sidewalk toward Nick’s, they could see an older couple approaching them a few blocks away.

“Hey, do you want to fuck with the white, straight people?” X asked Nicole, leaning into her.

Nicole bit back a grin.

“They have the look.” X continued.

“They don’t have the look.” Nicole said.

“They do, look at them, they totally have the look.”

Nicole shook her head, laughing.

“The wife definitely has the look.” X said, eyeballing her as they got closer.

“I bet you the first round that she doesn’t say anything.” 

“But you’re the only one drinking.” X said, quickly.

“Ok, I’ll get you some top-shelf water if she does say something.” Nicole offered.

“Ok, you’ll see. I know the look.” X said. They were within a block of the other couple.

X placed his arm around Nicole’s shoulders, and she put her hand on the middle of his back. 

As they approached the couple, Nicole could see it, too. It was the look. The wife was going to say something.

The wife looked Nicole directly in the eye and gave her an exaggerated smile. “You two make the most lovely couple.” She said, sweetly.

X and Nicole turned to face each other in horror.

“She’s my sister.” X said with disgust to the woman.

“And I’m a lesbian.” Nicole followed up forcefully. 

The couple stopped dead with their mouths hanging open. Nicole and X walked around them, and once they were out of ear shot, X began to sing “The Look.”

“She’s got the look.   
She’s got the look.” He sang, enthusiastically in a high falsetto.

“Shut up, Roxette.” Nicole laughed. 

 

When they made it to Nick’s, Nicole made good on her promise and bought X a huge, and bottomless, free glass of water. She got a shot of tequila for herself. They found a place at the bar and settled in.

“Tequila, really? I’m not carrying you home again, so you better pace yourself.” X said.

“I’m so lucky my brother doesn’t drink.” She nudged X with her shoulder.

“You’re lucky I’m a cop, so I can keep you out of trouble.” X grinned at Nicole. “So what’s up with you?”

Nicole got the feeling that he was fishing for information about Waverly, but she wasn’t ready to start talking about that. 

“I heard back from a friend that she can give my resume to her managing partner, maybe get me an interview.” Nicole said casually, rolling the shot glass in her fingers.

“I thought you already had a job offer?” X asked.

“I do, but this is with an international firm in D.C. The Indy firm is great, but small. This a chance of a lifetime.” Nicole said, swallowing the shot down in one go. “I could have my choice of practice areas and top notch training. The hours would be hell, but if I can make it there for a couple years, I can go anywhere.”

“Sounds fun.” X said.

“Also sounds far.”

“What do you mean?” X asked.

“Far from you. At least with Indy, you’re only an hour away.” Nicole said.

“Hey,” X looked her direct in the eye, pointing his finger at her chest. “Don’t you hold yourself back because of me.” 

“I know, it’s just…” Nicole started.

“No.” X cut her off. He was emphatic. “If you ever turn down an opportunity because of me, I will be so pissed at you. That’s the whole reason we’re here, this is the best chance for you. I can be a cop anywhere.”

“I can be a lawyer anywhere, too.” Nicole said.

“Not if the best job for you is in D.C.”

Nicole shrugged her shoulders and ordered a second shot.

After the drink arrived, Nicole tossed that shot back, then she thought about what would happen if she moved to D.C. She thought about Waverly, her profile said she was in Virginia. Maybe she wasn’t far from D.C. Maybe they could hang out if she moved there. Her mind wandered off.

“So. Let’s see it.”

“See what?” Nicole asked, coming back to reality.

“This stupidly cute baby and husband.”

“Oh.” Nicole felt her face flush. “How’d you know?” She asked. She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and pulled up the Facebook app. Waverly’s page was the first thing that popped up on her screen. 

“You have that stupidly happy grin on your face.” X said, taking the phone from Nicole. She ordered another shot and looked over X’s shoulder.

There was Waverly, the bright smile, the crinkled eyes, the long hair. Gone was the soft look of childhood, replaced with a more angular look of maturity. And the husband. And the baby.

She wasn’t sure why she felt so jealous. She wanted Waverly to be happy, right? And boy, did she look happy. 

The seat on her other side opened up. Nicole furtively kicked the edge of the stool. When the next shot appeared, she threw that one back, too, and glanced over at X. He was still flipping through the photos. 

Nicole sighed and ordered another shot. 

After several minutes, a young man pulled back the seat next to Nicole and asked if it was free. Nicole waved it off to him, and waited for her tequila. 

“What are you drinking?” The young man asked her.

Nicole turned on her stool to fully face him. He was cute, in the sense that he wasn’t ugly, but she didn’t care much beyond that. 

“Tequila.” She said with a slight challenge.

“Tequila.” The guy nodded. “Hard-core. Can I join you?” 

Nicole’s grin grew slowly across her face. She was going to have fun with this one. She could feel the growing buzz of her alcohol burning a hole in the bottom of her self-restraint. 

“Sure.” Nicole said, and she thought she heard X chuckle behind her.

“So what’s a beautiful woman like yourself sitting alone in a bar like this?” He tried to sound suave. 

“Who said I was alone?” Nicole said, leaning into X. 

He looked over at X and then back at Nicole. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. He’s my brother.” Nicole said, a little sloppily. 

Then she saw the flicker of hope return to the guy’s features. “Oh. He’s your brother.” He paused and smiled. “So, again I need to ask, what’s a beautiful woman like yourself...”

Nicole cut him off waving her hand at him, she couldn’t take anymore.

“Buddy, I’m gay. So not only are you barking up the wrong tree, you’re not even in the right park.”

“Oh. Ok.” He said quickly. “That’s cool.” 

Nicole didn’t want to laugh at him, but the tequila was making it really hard not to. 

The guy chuckled along with her. “Sorry. I just thought, you know...” He started. “My name’s Dave.” He held out his hand.

Nicole tried to steady herself and sit up straight. She gave him a firm shake. “Nicole, and this is X.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see X give a short wave, before looking back down at her phone.

Then Dave asked, “so, if you’re gay, then where’s your girl?”

Nicole frowned and, pursing her lips, looked at him questioningly.

“Don’t tell me you don’t have a girlfriend.” Dave asked.

Nicole tilted her head to the side and tried to lean casually against the bar. Her elbow slipped and she just caught herself before hitting the bar. “As a matter of fact, I do.” She could see X look up at her with a knowing smirk.

“Oh yeah?” Dave asked.

“Yeah.” Nicole turned to X with a slight wobble, “show him.” She said to X, gesturing down at her phone.

X flipped through the pictures and picked out one. He held up Nicole’s phone with a close up picture of Waverly holding her baby and her husband behind them with his arms wrapped around them both. Waverly had the biggest smile. 

Fuck.

“Um. I don’t get it.” Dave said.

“Oh… well... she’s married.” Nicole grumbled.

“And has a baby.” X added very helpfully. 

“Shut up.” Nicole hissed out with a frown.

“Ah,” said Dave, like he understood. “Been barking up the wrong tree yourself?” He asked.

“No.” Nicole said earnestly, or as earnestly as she could with vaguely unfocused eyes. “I’ve already barked up her tree, if you catch my meaning.” She tried to give Dave a very serious look while slightly slurring her words. 

“Huh.” Dave laughed. “So she’s bi.” 

“Hey,” she pointed a finger directly at Dave’s nose. “That’s for her to define, not you.” She circled her finger in front of his eyes.

“Ok,” X stepped in. “I think you’ve had enough fun for one night.” He stood up next to Nicole and pulled her to a standing position.

“I’m ok, and I still have one more shot.” Nicole whined at X.

“You’re done.” He motioned for the bartender to bring Nicole her credit card and finalize the bill. 

While X was distracted adding the tip to the bill, Nicole grabbed her last shot, clinked her glass against the shot sitting in front of Dave.

“To barking up trees.” She said and quickly swallowed the shot before X could take it away from her.

 

Nicole woke up Saturday morning on X’s couch. Her mouth felt like cotton and her head ached. She groaned as she pulled herself to a sitting position. Slowly, she made her way to his bathroom.

As she was attending to her needs, she heard X get up. 

“You ok in there?” He asked through the door. 

“Peachy.”

“I’ll make coffee. Do you feel up to Soma for breakfast or do you want to stay home?” He asked,

“Soma, but after a shower. Is that ok?” Nicole asked.

“Of course, mi casa es su casa.”

Nicole walked out to the living room to grab her clean clothes. She stopped in front of the kitchen, where X was making coffee.

“Hey, I’m sorry about last night.”

“No worries. You were far better than most freshman.”

“Good. I didn’t do anything too embarrassing, did I?”

“You destroyed the hopes of a young man and tried to drunk message Waverly.”

“What?” Nicole’s eyes shot open in horror, which was a bad idea. Her head throbbed and she brought her hands to press against her temples. “Tell me I didn’t.”

“You didn’t. I had your phone all night, so you’re safe. But you were quite adamant about trying during our walk home from Nick’s.”

“I hope I said thank you .”

“More like ‘fuck you,’ but I understood the intent.”

“Sorry,” Nicole said again.

“Go take a shower. You look like hell. I don’t want to be seen with you like that.”

Nicole flipped him the bird as she walked out.

 

Once they got settled into their table at Soma’s, X offered to get them some breakfast. Nicole pulled out her phone and opened the Facebook app to double check that she wasn’t able to send an embarrassing message to Waverly last night. She hit the Message button under Waverly’s profile picture and considered what she would write to her.

It had been so long since she last saw her. Did Waverly ever think of her? Nicole certainly thought about her from time to time. Would it be weird to ask her?

Nicole started to type out a message:

Hi Waves, 

Nope, she erased that.

Hi Waverly, Wow, it’s been a long time. How are you? I’m doing well. I’m in law school. So, it looks like you got married and had a baby! How wonderful!

Nicole erased that, too. She sounded too much like a salesperson.

Hi Waverly, thank you for accepting my friend request. It’s been so long I wasn’t sure you’d remember me. I hope it’s ok that I was looking for you on Facebook.

She erased that one as well: too stalker.

Hi Waverly. I’m glad I found you, I’ve wondered what happened to you after you left Hope. I’m finishing up school and still friends with X. Actually, he’s more like a brother now. We’ve stayed really close.

Again, erased. She’d have to talk to X before bringing him up, make sure he was ok with it.

Fuck. What do you say to a woman who so completely captivated you as a teen that you changed the trajectory of your life to be a better person for her? What do you say to your first real love, to the first person who loved you back? What do you say, when you haven’t spoken to that person since you were sixteen, desperate, and depressed? Nicole thought about how much she had changed since then. She was a stronger, better person now. She had accepted the experience at Hope for what it was. She wasn’t angry about it anymore, just as she wasn’t angry about high school. It was an experience that she survived and that made her stronger in the end. Not because of it, but in spite of it.

She thought about what she took away from her time at Hope: her relationship with X, her perspective on herself, her determination to be as open and honest about who she is, her desire to be a role model for others. If she was really honest about it, Hope helped make her who she was now, not because they were right about her, but because they were so wrong.

X walked back to their table with a couple bagels and two PB&J smoothies.

“Oh my God!” Nicole moaned, holding out her hands in a gimme motion. “I love you.”

X grinned widely at her. “I know.”

He sat down opposite her as Nicole took a long pull on her smoothie. He looked down at Nicole’s phone that was still open to Waverly’s messenger page.

“Whacha doing there?” He asked, with a forced drawl. 

Nicole swallowed down her drink, “I’m trying to think about what I should write to Waverly.”

“Why is it so important to get in touch with her?”

Nicole sat back in her chair and looked X over. 

“You don’t see me looking for people from Hope.” X continued.

“You’re not even on Facebook.” She said.

“All I hear about is the problems Facebook causes. So my decision to stay off Facebook is a professional one.” He gave her a hard look. “If I’m not on it, it can’t end my career.”

Nicole studied him for a moment before trying again. “Have you ever met someone, and instantly known in your heart that they meant something to you?” Nicole asked.

X looked at her with a half smile, as if to say: I might kinda get that.

“She was more than just someone at Hope. What we shared felt bigger than that.” Nicole picked up her smoothie glass and turned it around in her hand. The condensation ran down her fingers. “I feel like if I don’t try, that I’ll be giving up on a part of myself.”

X still had his knowing grin, but he slowly nodded his head. They hadn’t talked too much about Hope after they left. They both preferred to put it behind them.

“I knew she was special...” He started.

“Yeah,” said Nicole, a little dejected. “Special... and married.”

“Why don’t you ask her about that.” He suggested.

“Don’t you think it sounds weird? Hey former lover, tell me all about your husband. So when’d you go straight.”

“Hold up. You were lovers?” X asked.

“Well, sort of. I mean, close.”

“Close?” X raised his eyebrows in question.

“We kissed.” 

“Nicole...” X started.

“X, she was my first. You never forget your first.”

“I didn’t realize.” He held his hands up. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

Nicole shrugged. “We had to hide it from everyone. So am I stupid to follow up on it?” 

“No.” He said confidently. Nicole sighed and looked at him with worried eyes. “Ask her about her husband. I think it would be weird if you didn’t. She has to think that you’ll look at some of the pictures.”

“Yeah?” Nicole asked, concerned.

“Sure. Then be prepared to have your heart broken.” He grinned at her again.

“Not helping.” Nicole pointed at him and shook her head.

 

Hi Waverly. Thanks for accepting my friend request. So, a lot has happened since we last saw each other. You look like you have your hands full (literally), but you also look happy. I’m finishing up law school and busy with that, but I’m doing well. How are you? 

Nicole sent off the message when she got home. She had a shit-ton of homework she needed to do that weekend, but she wanted to get the first message off her plate.

After an intense couple hours of reading cases, Nicole took a break, getting up to refresh her coffee. She rolled her neck as she waited for her coffeemaker to finish brewing a new pot. She stretched her arms up over her head and worked on her shoulder and back muscles. The stretch caused her shirt to drift up and with her sweats sitting low on her hips, she caught a glimpse of the top of her tattoo. She pushed the band of her sweats down a bit farther to look at the small butterfly tattoo near the crease of her hip. She got the tattoo as a graduation present for herself while in college. X thought it was stupid, but he said that if she was going to get one, at least it was small and easily hidden. She brushed her thumb over the tattoo, it was a calming technique she’d taught herself, like having a worry stone embedded in her skin. 

The coffeemaker beeped to let her know it was done brewing, but Nicole ignored it. She walked back over to her computer and pulled up her Facebook account. There was a new message waiting for her. Nicole smiled when she saw it was from Waverly.

Hi Nicole.   
Yep, many changes since I last saw you. So law school, that’s amazing. I always said you were a smart one. As you probably saw, I’m married now, his name is James, but everyone calls him Champ. He’s my high school sweetheart. And now we have a baby boy named Darren. I guess baby is a bit of a stretch, since he’s 18 months old now (I can’t believe it). He’s become a pretty good walker, but seems to prefer running. He’s also starting to talk a little more. It’s so adorable, and I could just eat up his squishy little arm rolls.

Sorry, enough about me. How are you? Anyone special in your life? Looks like you are still in the mid-west. How do you like Indiana University? Once a Hoosier, always a Hoosier.   
Thanks for reaching out. What a blast from the past. I’m glad you’re doing well. That makes me so happy.   
Take care.   
Waverly

Nicole’s pulse was racing again as she read the message for the third time, trying to find any hidden nuances. She took a deep breath and told herself to chill out. She figured that this was the type of message she’d likely get from Waverly, it’s not like she expected her to confess her secret burning love for Nicole. (At least not in the first message.) But still, Nicole couldn’t help but think back to the time they shared at Hope. 

She shook her head to pull herself out of the memory, refilled her coffee mug, and sat back down to continue studying.

 

1993:  
When Nicole woke up the next morning, she felt a panic wash over her until she remembered where she was. Then an entirely new panic descended because she remembered where she was. And then she remembered about Waverly and Wynonna. 

After wrap-up group, while everyone else on the wing got ready for bed, Randy disappeared into the sisters’ room and remained in there after Nicole closed her door to go to bed. 

Nicole wondered what they were talking about for so long. She was worried about how upset Waverly looked as she stormed out of the group. A weight settled deep in her stomach as she wondered what the day would bring. 

As for Nicole, the first thing that struck her after the night staff woke her up that morning was that she had been left alone. Having more than five minutes of privacy felt like a luxury. She took her time choosing her outfit for the day. She wore the same jeans from the day before, but picked out a new t-shirt and topped it with a flannel left hanging open. 

She ran her Goody hairbrush back through her hair quickly. She didn’t have a mirror in her room, but she figured she could check out her hair when she went to the bathroom. 

Nicole stepped out into the wing. There was one other kid waiting by the closet where the toiletries were stored. Rosita had the closet door open and was retrieving his things. As Nicole walked over to the closet, she studied the sister’s bedroom door. It was fully closed. That meant neither of them were back on FMIs; that was encouraging.

As she approached Rosita, the nurse greeted her with a bright smile. “Good morning, Nicole. Congratulations on making it to level 2. I’m impressed you were able to do it after only two days.” 

“Thanks.” Said Nicole. “Can I have my tooth brush and toothpaste, please?” 

“Of course.” She handed Nicole a small plastic basket with her toiletries. “Did you want to shower, too, now that you’re off FMIs?”

“Actually, that sounds great. Do I have time?” Nicole asked.

“Absolutely. You still can’t take very long in there, partly because everyone else will need to use the bathroom, too. But you can have about 30 minutes in there. Most of the kids are still waking up, so it’s a good time to jump in.”

“Ok.” Nicole took the whole basket and Rosita handed her a bleached white bath towel. Nicole slipped into the bathroom closest to her room, and locked the door behind her. The click of the lock made her smile so wide, she laughed out loud at herself. She knew the staff had the key to the bathroom, but the freedom to lock a door felt powerful. 

Nicole took a quick shower and got dressed just as fast. She didn’t want to accidentally bump up against her half hour time limit. She impressed herself with her ability to stay focused in the bathroom. Typically, she would zone out in the shower or sitting on the toilet. She’d replay things that had occurred at school on a cruel loop through her memory. Sometimes, she’d discover that she had managed to pick at a scab or zit to the point of bleeding without even realizing it. Some how the pain was comforting, she didn’t understand why, maybe it felt better than the embarrassing scenes she would replay through her head, chastising and criticizing herself. 

But that day, she stayed focused in the shower. She didn’t drift off into a netherworld of self-hate. Before she left the bathroom, she took a quick glance at herself in the mirror. The young woman that looked back made her smile. Her hair was messy again, but she was proud for setting a goal of finishing in the bathroom and meeting it. She smiled at herself. Was this the Prozac, she asked herself. It seemed too soon for the medication to be working. Dr. Lucado told her that it usually took a week or so to really take effect. 

She dropped off her basket with Rosita.

“Feel better?” Asked Rosita.

“Actually, yeah.” Nicole smiled back at her. She did feel better.

“Nothing like a shower to make you feel more human. If you’re ready, breakfast is open. You can head over when you want.”

Nicole nodded at her before heading back into her room. She dragged her brush through her hair, slicking it back over her head, then went out to find some breakfast.

Ben was the only kid already eating breakfast. Nicole brought her Rice Krispies over to join him. 

They greeted each other, but Ben didn’t make eye contact with her.

“How are you?” Nicole asked.

“Fine.” Ben’s reply was both flat and challenging.

Nicole shook her head and started to eat her cereal.

“Hey Nicole,” Ben asked, “Do you like Sean?”

“He’s ok.” She wasn’t sure she liked this topic of conversation, so she tried to steer it into safer territory. “Everyone has been pretty nice to me so far.”

“No, I mean, do you LIKE him?” Ben tried again.

Nicole knew exactly what he meant, she just didn’t want to answer it. Nicole quickly looked back over her shoulder. Steve was standing in between the kitchen and dining hall. He clearly didn’t overhear Ben’s question. 

“I don’t think we’re supposed to be talking about this.” Nicole answered.

“I know. But I think he likes you. I mean, he told me he likes you. He’s too afraid to say anything, but he told me.” Ben said.

“Did he tell you to ask me?” Nicole asked.

“Sort of. He wants to know if you want to go out with him.”

No!

Nicole considered her answer. After his outburst yesterday, she was a little worried that if she flat out said no, Sean would freak out and punch her like he did the wall. She decided to try a different tact.

“Doesn’t it seem weird that he wants you to ask a question for him that would get you in trouble for asking it?”

“A little.” Ben said, drawing his brows together like he hadn’t thought of that before.

“Look, I’m just saying. I don’t want to get into trouble and I’m sure you don’t either. So why don’t we talk about something else.” Nicole offered.

“Ok.” Ben thought for a moment. “Are you going to be in D&A group this afternoon?”

“Uh, no. I don’t think so. Is that this afternoon?”

“Yeah, they have it every other day.” He paused then looked at her questioningly. “Wait. You mean you’ve never had any alcohol or tried any drugs?” He seemed genuinely surprised.

“No. Have you?” Nicole asked.

“Of course. Both. Almost everything.” He said, a little proud.

“Really?” Nicole asked. “Where’d you get it?”

Ben sat back in his chair and looked pleased with himself. “My brother helps me get some of it. He hooked me up with a kid in our school who can get anything.” He gave her a stern look. “You really haven’t tried anything? Not even pot? You’re not just saying that to get out of the group?”

“No. Really.” Nicole said back. “They did the blood test and everything.” She took a deep breath, thinking about her next question. “So what’s it like?”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know, pot?”

“That just makes you feel really mellow, kind of giggly, and super hungry.” Ben said, laughing at her. “For a real head trip, you should try crack.”

Nicole coughed her cereal out into her bowl. “Crack? Where the hell did you get that?”

“From the kid at school.”

Nicole studied Ben’s face to see if he was pulling her leg. “But crack, that’s serious, like jail-time serious.”

Ben shrugged his shoulders.

“Did you get caught? Is that why you’re here?” She asked.

“No, I freaked out on LSD. That’s why I’m here.” 

Nicole felt the blood drain from her head; she was a little woozy. Was she really that much of a baby? She didn’t know how to handle this revelation. It made her feel like she lived her life in a bubble.

She pushed her cereal away. 

“Hey,” Ben said, concerned. “If you want to try something when we get out of here, I can totally hook you up.” Ben said, mistaking her shock.

“No.” She almost yelled. She stood up and carried her breakfast bowl away. Steve approached her as she left the dining hall.

“Nicole, everything ok back there?” He asked, looking deep into her eyes. 

“Yeah sure. We were talking about D&A group.” She shook her head.

Steve nodded. “Hey listen, I’m so excited for you, I heard you’re now level 2. That’s great. Good work.” He patted her shoulder. “And I’m even more glad to hear there’s another kid for my journal time, while everyone else is in D&A. It’s a lonely group. That’s something to be really proud of. I bet you’re going to advance through the levels quickly.” He clapped his hands for her. 

Who is this jack-ass? Nicole wondered. He’s been drinking a little too much of the company Kool-aid, she thought as she flashed a quick smile and left the dining hall. 

Nicole didn’t see either Waverly or Wynonna that morning before school. Nicole wandered over to the B wing to find X before school started. 

“Hey girly,” He greeted her. 

Nicole looked at him, confused.

“I figure if I start calling you girly, maybe they’ll start leaving you alone about it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Nicole laughed at him.

“Well, neither does saying you’re wrong for wanting to wear jeans.” X cocked an eyebrow.

“True.” Agreed Nicole.

 

Waverly and Wynonna weren’t in school. Nicole wasn’t too surprised since the staff said they’d be making the room switch during school. Nicole wondered if Wynonna would end up on the B wing, since there wasn’t a single available on the A wing. 

She wouldn’t be getting her schoolwork until later that day when her parents came to drop off her stuff, so Nicole was forced to read “Rifles for Watie” instead. She wished that she could remember the name of the author that Waverly had mentioned yesterday, the one that was supposed to be funny, because this book was boring as hell. 

She was fighting to keep her eyes open when Dan walked into the classroom and spoke quietly with Mr. Freedland. They both looked up at Nicole in unison. Nicole groaned lightly, wondering what new experience awaited her.

Dan made his way down the aisle of desks until he reached her. “Nicole, I need to escort you back to the bedrooms.”

Nicole left her book behind on the desk and followed Dan out of the room silently. Once they were outside, Nicole asked, “What’s going on?”

“We’re making some adjustments to the current living arraignments on A wing.” He said.

“You mean Waverly and Wynonna?”

“Correct.”

“But what does that have to do with me?”

“You and Wynonna will be swapping rooms for the time being.”

“What?” Asked Nicole, shocked.

“We need a single room, and your recent move up to level 2 puts you at the same level as Waverly. We decided to move you into Waverly’s room and give Wynonna your single.” Dan explained.

There were two distinct sensations battling it out for control over Nicole. The first was dread that she was being pulled into the middle of the sisters’ separation. The second was an excitement that was slyly sneaking its way up her cheeks. 

She would be rooming with Waverly.

Nicole tried to stuff down that thought as steadily as it crept up. Not the right time. 

Dread won out as she walked onto the wing and heard yelling coming from the sisters’ room. Fuck.

Dan led Nicole to her room and asked that she place all of her belongings in a plastic bag. Nicole quickly complied with the request and brought out her bag into the living area. She sat down on a couch and waited for her next instructions. 

From the other room, she could hear the sounds of the sisters arguing with some staff.

“Don’t touch me, I said I’m doing it.” Wynonna yelled. She emerged from the room with a plastic bag in her hand. A staff guy was following close behind her. Once they were out of the room, he put his hand on the side of her shoulder. Wynonna wrenched her arm out of his control. “Hands off, Bozo.” 

Waverly ran out of the room behind her. “Leave my sister alone.” She screamed. “She hasn’t done anyth…” she cut herself off abruptly when she saw Nicole siting on the couch. Another staff person came out of the room following Waverly. 

The guy behind Wynonna tried a second time to grab her shoulder. 

Wynonna yelled out again. “Hey!” This brought Waverly’s attention back to Wynonna.

“Stop touching her. She didn’t do anything.” Waverly said.

“Baby girl!” Wynonna commanded. “Not helping.” She walked into Nicole’s former room and threw her bag down onto the ground. From the couch, Nicole could see her pace around in the room. The staff waited for her to unpack by the door. 

Waverly watched the doorway from where she was standing. She looked like she had been crying. Nicole wondered if she should try to say something, but she had no idea what to say. Instead, she tried to pretend she was merely a fly on the wall. The second staff person left Waverly to wait at the entrance to the A wing. Waverly looked lost.

“Hey Waverly,” Nicole started to say. The look Waverly gave her was so sharp that she felt the sting. Nicole closed her mouth and let it drop. 

Wynonna tore open her bag and dumped her clothes out onto her floor. Dan walked back onto the wing and approached Nicole.

“Are you ready to see your new room?” He asked her. He led Nicole into the double room. Waverly stared daggers at her.

The double was quite a bit bigger, with two of everything: beds, desks, chests of drawers. One bed was sticking out into the middle of the room. This one appeared to be Waverly’s bed, as it was still made. The second bed didn’t have any sheets on it and was pressed against the far corner of the room. She set her bag down on the empty bed, and looked around the room. Waverly’s desk had a collection of books on top of it. Her bed wasn’t made and had a well worn teddy bear sitting next to the pillow. On top of her chest was a small collection of makeup, but the walls were unadorned, cinder blocks. The large window looked out toward the driveway and parking lot of the hospital. 

“Get your bag unpacked, then you can head back to school. The cleaning staff will be in to make up your bed while you are in class.” Dan said. Nicole nodded and opened the bag. 

After putting her things away, Nicole walked back out on to the wing. Waverly was sitting in one of the couches with her back turned to the room. Dan waved her over from the wing door and she followed him back to school. She felt bad that she couldn’t say anything to Waverly, but she figured there’d be time for that later. 

 

The sisters sat alone again at lunch and didn’t say a word to each other or anyone else. The tension it created in the room was palpable. All the conversations were more subdued around the dining hall. 

Nicole glanced over at X and he flashed a brief smile. “Where’d you go during class?” He asked.

Nicole leaned in close to him so that she could speak without the sisters overhearing her. “I’ve been moved into the same room as Waverly. Wynonna has my old room.”

X stared at her for a moment before responding. “How’d they take it?”

Nicole gestured at the sisters’ table. Wynonna was staring off into space; Waverly was pushing the vegetables around her plate. X nodded his understanding. 

“Did they have to go back to CDR?” X asked.

“Not while I was there.”

“That’s good. That’s an improvement.” He looked back at the sisters. 

After lunch, Nicole followed X onto the B wing. The couches were the same, but mirroring the position of the couches on A wing. X brought out a deck of cards from his room and they grabbed a couch and coffee table off to the side. “Want to play Gin?”

Nicole agreed and asked a question that had been eating away at her since lunch. “How often were Waverly and Wynonna sent to CDR before I got here?”

“Well, I only got here about a week ago, but they were in CDR three times.” He said, while shuffling the deck. “Wynonna always seems to be the loose cannon. And where she goes, so does Waverly. She just jumps right on that crazy train with Wynonna.” 

“Yeah, I get that, too. She seems really protective of Wynonna.” Nicole said, picking up the cards that X dealt out. 

“Protective is an understatement. It’s like she’s two people, one is sweet and smart, the other is a tiger ready to rip your head off if you mess with Wynonna.” X organized the cards in his hand.

Nicole picked up a card. “Well, I’m glad I can hang out over here with you. I’m not looking forward to bedtime tonight.”

“I’m sure you’ll be ok. Waverly likes you. Just don’t say anything bad about Wynonna.” X chuckled and laid down a three card series.

Nicole’s cheeks flushed a little upon hearing that Waverly liked her. 

 

After depression group, most of the kids were shuffled off to the classroom for D&A group. Dan asked Waverly and Nicole to join him in their now shared bedroom. Waverly didn’t look at her as they walked into the room. She climbed on her bed and grabbed her teddy bear. Hugging it to her, she turned her back to Dan and Nicole, who were sitting on Nicole’s bed.

“I asked you two to join me here so that we can discuss the room change.” Dan looked at Nicole. 

“Ok.” She said and looked over at Waverly’s back. The other girl didn’t say anything.

“The reason we decided to make this change was two fold. First, Waverly, you understand why we need to separate you and your sister.” She still didn’t move. “But the second reason we want to make the change is that we think the two of you could be good for each other.”

Nicole looked up at Dan, surprised. How could she be good for Waverly?

“Nicole, we want you to work on being more feminine, and we believe that Waverly can help you with that.” Dan was watching Nicole. A deep blush crept up her face. “And Waverly, we think you can benefit from Nicole’s calm temperament. We want you to help each other.” He said.

Waverly still didn’t move, or show any acknowledgement of what Dan said. Nicole watched her worried. This “therapy plan” seemed like it had about as much chance of success as forcing her to wear dresses.

“Well, I’ll leave you two to get settled in, then.” He smacked his thighs and stood up. “Best of luck.” He said as he walked out. 

That has to be an omen of sorts, thought Nicole. Best of luck, my ass. 

When Dan was out of the room, Nicole stood up and walked over to her dresser. She spread out then re-stacked her textbooks. She looked back at Waverly, who hadn’t moved a muscle since lying down on the bed. 

“What’s your teddy bear’s name?”

Waverly lifted her hand in the air and flipped up her middle finger. 

So much for small talk. 

Nicole left the room and sat on a couch waiting for D&A to get out, so she could see X again. 

 

As she waited in the living room, Nicole wracked her brain for ways to smooth over her relationship with Waverly. She wanted to show Waverly that she wasn’t the enemy, it wasn’t her idea to split up the sisters. And frankly, she didn’t have any more confidence in the hospital’s plan for the two girls to magically fix each other. 

She thought back to the time she spent with Waverly in school and her research project on butterflies. At that moment, inspiration struck. Nicole jumped up and asked the staff person for some colored pencils. While D&A group finish up, Nicole drew a blue butterfly in her journal. She tried to recall the details of the wing from Waverly’s notebook, but knew there was little hope she would get it right. Nicole just hoped she was close enough to show Waverly that she had been paying attention. 

By the end of the hour, she had a reasonably good looking butterfly sketched out. She asked the staff for a couple pieces of tape and walked back into her bedroom. Waverly was still on the bed. She lifted her head to see who entered the room, but then flopped back down on her pillow.

Nicole walked up the narrow space between the two beds and silently taped up her drawing to the wall, then turned around and walked back out without saying a word. Olive branch delivered.

Nicole took a seat in the living room just as the D&A kids were getting back from their group. X took a seat across from Nicole. His whole body looked tense, his jaw clenched. He was staring out the window in the back corner of the living area. 

“Hey,” Nicole tried to break through to him. “What’s going on?”

He silently shook his head, his neck muscles straining against themselves to move his head. The rare glimpse of emotions in X scared Nicole. While she was getting used to the occasional outburst of emotions from other patients, it seemed like X didn’t have any emotions normally.

Nicole was about to get up and move to sit next to X on his couch when Waverly walked out of their bedroom and sat down next to her. She glanced quickly over at Waverly, who was looking around the room, presumably to find Wynonna. Nicole turned her attention back to X. 

“What happened in group?” She asked.

“Nothing.” The word came out completely stiff. X still looked out the window.

“Hey man, really? What’s up?” Nicole tried again.

“They aren’t going to move me up to the next level.” X said softly, belaying the weight of his words.

“What?”

“They don’t think I deserve level 3 because I’m not sharing enough in groups. I’m not being ‘honest enough.’” He held up his hands in air quotes.

“Oh.” Nicole replied, she looked down at her hands. She thought they might have a point, she still didn’t really know why X was even in the hospital, but she didn’t want to pry. 

He receded back into himself. Nicole could feel Waverly looking at her. She felt the pressure of the negative feelings in the room weighing down everyone. One of the kids was playing his tape in the background when the Righteous Brothers song, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” came on. 

Nicole sucked up her pride, jumped up, and took her cue from “Top Gun.” She got down onto her knees before X and started to sing along. 

“You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.”

X gave her a hard look. 

“And there’s no tenderness like before in your fingertips.”

He shook his head slowly before breaking into a grin and looking away. 

A couple other kids in the wing got down on the floor and joined Nicole, just like in the movie. Nicole looked over her shoulder at Waverly, she was laughing at the group of them. 

“All right, break it up.” A staff person spoke up. “No relationships on the unit.”

One of the other kids groaned out, “Come on, that’s not relationship stuff, it’s from the movie.”

“Yeah,” Waverly chimed in, her voice sounded surprisingly light. “They’re just singing, no harm in that.”

“She’s singing about love to another patient, that’s a no no.” The staff replied.

Nicole rolled her eyes and got up off the ground. She sat back down next to Waverly. After looking back at X, she saw he was smiling again. “Just so you don’t get the wrong idea, I really don’t love you.” She said loud enough for the staff person to overhear.

This made X laugh, his teeth shinning out in a rare wide smile. Even if she couldn’t finish the song, her mission was accomplished, the mood in the room lightened considerably.

Waverly leaned into her shoulder. “Thanks for the butterfly.”

Nicole glanced over at her.

“It’s a shit drawing, but sweet of you to think of it.” She added.

This made Nicole laugh out. “Thank you, I think. Not sure if that was a compliment.”

“I wouldn’t quit your day job.” Waverly gave Nicole a wry smile, then it softened. “No one’s done anything like that for me. Some times I feel like I’m a ghost. Everyone’s always paying so much attention to Wynonna, it’s like I don’t exist.” 

“Is that why you join in when Wynonna gets into fights?” Nicole immediately knew she overstepped. Waverly’s whole demeanor changed, and she gave her a look like she was about to rip off her head. 

“Don’t you say anything about Wynonna.” She pointed a finger at Nicole. “You don’t know shit about anything.” Waverly’s anger pulsed out along the vein on the side of her forehead. 

Nicole held up her hands in surrender, but this did nothing to stop the flood coming from Waverly.

“How dare you judge Wynonna, you don’t know what she’s been through. I would join a thousand fights if I had to.” Waverly was yelling. 

The staff quickly surrounded Waverly, Dan grabbed Nicole and lifted her out of the couch pushing her back against the wall. 

Just then Wynonna walked into the wing. Her face went from relaxed to fierce in seconds, she rushed the staff surrounding Waverly.

Waverly screamed, “NO!” as both she and Wynonna were quickly tackled down to the ground. The rest of the kids were ordered to their rooms. Nicole stood frozen against the wall until Dan shoved her into her room and closed the door behind her. 

Nicole’s mind went blank as she stared at the back of the closed door. She could hear the muffled noises of the staff trying to contain Waverly and Wynonna. 

Nicole continued to stare off. She was frozen in place, mind empty but for the images of Waverly and Wynonna being tackled. She replayed the memory over and over on a constant loop. Nothing else existed.

Eventually there was a knock on her door. Rosita’s voice barely slipped into Nicole’s conscience.

“You ok in here?” Rosita asked.

Nicole still had her gaze fixed in the same location, when Rosita pushed open her door.

“Nicole?” Rosita asked softly.

Hearing Rosita speak her name finally pierced Nicole’s bubble. Her face screwed up as the first tears dropped onto her cheeks. She couldn’t hold back the sobs. She wasn’t even sure why she was crying, but she was helpless to stop. She knew something like this was coming. The whole day seemed to be building to it. So why was she reacting like this? Nicole chastised herself internally. She wasn’t normally one to cry so easily. Her face grew red with embarrassment.

“Hey, it’s ok.” Rosita stepped up closer to her and placed an arm around her shoulder. The physical connection only made the pain worse. Rosita hugged Nicole as she cried into the her shoulder. 

“It’s my fault.” Nicole mumbled into Rosita’s shoulder. 

“What was that?” Rosita asked. 

“It’s my fault that Waverly got sent to CDR. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, but I did anyway…”

“Nicole,” Rosita pushed her off of her shoulder. “Waverly is the one to blame for letting her emotions run away with her. This is why she’s here. It isn’t your fault.” She was looking Nicole in the eyes.

“I know, but I asked her a stupid question about Wynonna.”

“She gonna have to learn how to talk about Wynonna without flipping out.” 

“I didn’t mean to make her so upset.”

“Nicole, it’s not your fault.”

“She’s going to hate me now.”

“Nicole!” Rosita said forcefully.

This cause Nicole to step back and look at her. Rosita wore a stern look. 

“The only thing you need to worry about is dealing with your depression. Waverly will have to take care of herself.”

“That’s not what Dan said. We’re supposed to help each other; Waverly’s supposed to teach me to be a girl and I’m supposed to make her more calm.”

Rosita gave her a challenging look. “Do you really believe that? We’d like for you to be role models for each other, but I’m not expecting you to change Waverly anymore than I expect Waverly to magically turn you into a princess. That’s not how this works.”

“But Dan…”

“Look, we’re hoping you can become friends, but beyond that it’s up to you. You’re the only person who can change you, Nicole. Waverly can’t make you feminine, just like you can make her calm. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” Nicole said softly, looking off out the window, wiping her eyes. “How do you think tonight’s going to work? She was really mad at me.”

“Well, first thing when she gets back onto the unit, she’ll have to come and apologize to you.” 

“She doesn’t need to do that.” Nicole said quickly, afraid of another confrontation. 

“No, she does. I want you two on speaking terms when you go to bed tonight. That is the first step.”

Nicole drew her bottom lip between her teeth and began to pull at the dead skin there. She really didn’t like the idea of Waverly being forced to apologize, especially when she was just as much to blame. On the other hand, Nicole couldn’t imagine trying to sleep that night next to a pissed off Waverly. “Fine.”

 

Before dinner, Waverly was brought back into the girl’s shared bedroom. Nicole was sitting across her bed, absently looking through her history textbook. Waverly looked hollow and didn’t make eye contact as she sat down on her bed. Rosita was standing in the doorway.

“I want you both to talk about what happened today. Nicole, can you tell Waverly how her outburst made you feel?” Rosita folded her arms across her chest.

Nicole’s cheeks burned red. She REALLY didn’t want to admit that she had been scared to the point of crying again. Plus she didn’t want to make Waverly feel bad.

“It was fine; I’m fine.” Nicole said.

Waverly didn’t look at her, and Rosita sighed, her shoulders dropping. “Nicole. You were very upset after Waverly had her meltdown. You need to be honest with her. Waverly needs to know how her behavior is affecting the people around her.”

Waverly glanced over at Nicole, but she really didn’t want Waverly to feel guilty about what happened.

“I’m sorry I said that about Wynonna. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She started.

“Nicole, tell her how you felt.”

“I was scared.” Her voice was barely audible.

Waverly was watching her. She had a worried look on her face. 

Nicole looked down into her lap. “I was scared that I made you so mad. I was scared that you wouldn’t like me or want to be friends.” Nicole let out a deep breath. “I was scared that you resented me for being switched into your room.”

Nicole chanced a glance over at Waverly. She studied her closely. Nicole quickly decided to take a risk and offer another olive branch.

“I… I like you. I was hoping we could be friends.”

Waverly flashed a quick smile, then considered her more seriously. 

“Waverly.” Rosita broke in.

Waverly continued to watch Nicole. She shifted around in her bed to face her more fully. “Nicole, I’m sorry I scared you. I’ve been really upset about Wynonna. All day. It wasn’t you, it was everything.” She paused a moment and looked up at the butterfly drawing still taped to the wall. “Thank you for the drawing. I really do like it. And I like you, too.” She looked back at Nicole and smiled. “I hope we can be friends.”

Nicole let out a hot breath. This was going so much better than she expected. Rosita nodded from the doorway, “I’ll leave you to continue talking it over.” She turned to walk out of the room, then stopped. “Dinner is in five minutes.”

Nicole looked back at Waverly, she was still watching her closely.

“Were you really scared?” Waverly asked.

“A little.”

“Did you think I would hurt you?”

“Not really, but after Sean flipped out yesterday… maybe a little.”

A small smile crept out over Waverly’s features. “But you’re so much bigger than me.”

“Yeah, but you can get scary when you’re mad.”

This made Waverly laugh lightly. “I always feel invisible, not scary.”

“You’re not invisible to me.” 

A shocked look flashed across Waverly’s face, then it turned back into a smile. “You really want to be my friend?” 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I’m so scary.” Waverly challenged her.

“You’re not scary right now.”

 

When everyone was called to dinner, Nicole made her way through the serving line and upon entering the dining hall, she saw that X was sitting at a table with a couple kids. The seat next to him was empty and he patted the table. Wynonna and Waverly were back at their table alone. The sisters quietly talked to themselves. Nicole really wanted to keep up the conversation she had started with Waverly, but X was definitely expecting her to sit with him. Nicole took in a deep breath and prepared herself to make a decision. 

She walked over to X and leaned down to him. “Come and join me at the other table, ok?” Nicole gestured to Wy and Waverly’s table. As she stood up, X gave her a questioning look.

Nicole then walked over to the sister’s table and looked down at Wynonna. “Is it ok if I sit with you guys?”

Nicole could feel Waverly’s eyes boring into her, but she was confident that Wynonna was the person she really needed to ask.

Wynonna slowly looked up at her with a look of disgust. “Whatever floats your boat.” 

Nicole chanced a glance at Waverly, who was smiling up at her. “Is it ok if X joins us too?”

“Well now it’s a party.” Wynonna’s voice dripped with sarcasm. 

Nicole pulled out the chair next to Wynonna and motioned back at X to join her. He rose up and carried his plate over to sit next to Waverly. 

“To what do we owe the enormous honor?” Wynonna snapped.

X looked at her, and Nicole thought quickly. “I’d rather sit with you than Sean and Ben. They seem like a couple idiots.” Nicole said in a soft voice that hopefully didn’t carry across to the boys’ table. 

“You have no idea.” Wynonna agreed. Waverly was grinning at the two of them. 

“So King Kong, what’s your story?” Wynonna looked over at X.

“Did you just call me an ape?” X looked at her in disbelief.

“No. I just called you the mother-fucking, bad-assed king of the apes.” She quickly looked over her shoulder to see if any staff heard her cursing, then she turned back to the table. “Unless you’re more of the gentle giant type.”

“Don’t call me an ape.” He said, staring directly into Wynonna’s eyes, challenging her to say anything different. 

Wynonna nodded her head and gave him a thumbs up. “Sorry.” Then she changed the subject. “You seemed pretty ticked when Rosita said you wouldn’t get level 3. What are you hiding?” 

X took a bite of food and slowly chewed without taking his eyes off of Wynonna. 

“Strong and silent type.” She added to herself. “Now Cherry Bomb,” Wynonna turned her attention to Nicole. “Don’t think because you’re rooming with my sister that you’re our new best friend. Ok?” She glared at Nicole. 

“Wy, stop being a jerk. Nicole is nice.” Waverly chastised her.

“Oh, any why exactly did you lose it back there?” Wynonna pointed back at the A wing but kept her gaze steadily on Waverly.

Waverly’s shoulders sank and she looked down at her plate.

“Look, it was a misunderstanding. That’s all.” Nicole tried to smooth over the situation.

Wynonna whipped around on Nicole, who sat back in her chair. “Listen Woody Woodpecker, this is between me and Waverly.” 

Nicole didn’t say anything and but looked at Waverly, who was actively avoiding her eyes.

“Fine.” Nicole muttered. “Maybe Ben and Sean aren’t that bad.” 

Wynonna laughed at her. 

Nicole quickly thought of anther tact. “Did you know that Sean asked Ben to ask me if I liked him.” 

Waverly quickly looked up at her. “When?”

Wynonna followed with a terse. “That’s a laugh.” And Waverly glared at her sister. “What? It’s a laugh that Nicole would like Sean. He’s a moron, rapper-wannabe.” She looked at Waverly. “Give the girl some credit will you? She’s nice, right?” She smirked. 

“What did you say?” Asked X.

“I didn’t say anything. I asked Ben about D&A group instead.” Nicole answered.

“That kid is lucky he has a single brain cell left in his head, if you believe all the stories about his drug use.” Wynonna laughed snidely. 

This made X laugh out loud. “I really wonder about that. You’d think he was some kind of drug king-pin, or something.” 

“Yeah.” Waverly joined in and then in an exaggerated Don Corleone voice, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” She scratched her finger tips along the length of her chin. 

“Nice ‘Godfather’ reference.” X said, and Waverly beamed at him.

“Hey Siskel and Ebert, can we bring the conversation back to the twentieth century?” 

X and Waverly gave Wy a confused look. “That is a twentieth century movie.” Waverly added.

“Fine. Whatever. All I mean is can we talk about something else.”

Nicole piped up. “Do you think I should say anything to Sean, or just let it go? I was favoring the let-it-go approach.”

“Red, do you like him?” Wynonna asked as if she already knew the answer.

“No, of course not.”

“Then let it go. That butt-munch couldn’t find his way out of a paper sack. He isn’t worth your time.” She continued.

“That’s what I figured.” Nicole nodded.

“And Waves, you have to stop getting in fights over me. I’m not worth it either. You’re just going to fall down the same rabbit hole with me and you’ve got something I could never have.”

“Yeah, and what’s that?” Waverly answered her sister glumly.

“Smarts, babygirl. Smarts.” Wynonna tapped her head. “But you gotta use em. Do you really think that Strawberry Shortcake here is a threat to me?” She pointed at Nicole. “I have a hard enough time dealing with my own shit, without worrying about you getting involved, too. You need to start taking care of yourself and stop taking care of me.” She sat back in her chair. “I can handle myself perfectly well, thank you.”

Waverly looked hurt but didn’t argue. 

“So tell me more about the man behind the muscle.” Wynonna said to X, effectively dropping the subject. 

 

That night as Waverly and Nicole settled into their beds, Nicole tried to broach the subject of Wynonna again.

“Wynonna seems like a really great sister. She really looks out for you.”

“She’s the best.” Waverly’s voice was faint since she was turned away from Nicole in her bed.

“I wish I had a sister like that, maybe it would make dealing with my parents a little easier.”

“Yep.”

“Hey, are you ok?” Asked Nicole, flipping over to her side to face Waverly’s lump in the bed.

“I can’t just turn it off.” Waverly’s voice was so small.

“I’m sorry?”

“Wynonna wants me to turn off my feeling for her, but I can’t. I don’t have a choice. This is just who I am.”

“Have you told her that?”

“Yes, but she doesn’t believe me.” There was a quiet sniff from her bed. “I get it. I know why she’s saying it. She doesn’t want me to get into trouble, too. But she’s my sister. She’s always looked out for me. I can’t just let that go. I owe her more than that.”

“What do you think will happen when you get out of here?” Asked Nicole.

“I have no idea. I hope we go far away, where nobody knows us, or our family. Or anything.”

“Why did Wynonna shoot your Dad?”

“Nicole.” There was a finality in her voice this time. “I’m tired. I need to go to sleep.”

Nicole swallowed down the rest of her questions. “Good night, Waverly.”

“Good night.”

There was a long, silent pause, and then Waverly spoke up one more time. 

“Nicole? My teddy bear’s name is Mr. Plumpkins.”

Nicole smiled to herself in the darkness. “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to DreadPirateBrown for looking over this shit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains a very intense discussion about suicide. Dolls cries. There are instances of potentially upsetting gender realignment therapy. It also has dodgeball.

Chapter 4

 

2008:  
Hi Waverly,  
Darren seems like a really happy baby. You must be busy keeping up with him. He looks so much like you. He definitely has your smile, or do all babies smile that wide.   
Do you remember X, he and I have remained close since leaving Hope. I consider him my brother now. But other than X, I don’t really have anyone special in my life. I’m focusing on finishing school and starting my career first.   
I’m glad you found someone. You deserve to be happy and Champ is really cute. You said you were high school sweethearts, where did you end up after Hope?   
X and I stayed in Indiana, but we moved to Bloomington together. Well, not TOGETHER together, but at the same time so we could live close to each other. X is a police officer for the City of Bloomington and he’s managed to keep me out of trouble so far.   
What are you doing these days?  
Nicole

Nicole sat back in her desk chair to proof read her message before sending it off. She debated erasing the line about Champ being cute, she wasn’t sure if that would come across as weird. But she decided to leave it in, to show Waverly that she was supportive of her marriage. Nicole quickly read the message once again prior to sending it off. 

Before digging into her law books, Nicole checked her email. There was a new message from her friend in D.C. 

Nicole,   
I passed along your resume and cover letter to my hiring partner and he was impressed. They would like to set up an interview if you are still interested. They’re sending you an official letter of invitation, but if you want to get a jump on scheduling, you can let me know and I’ll put you in touch with him.   
Best.   
Sarah

The email got her mind racing. A trip to D.C., possibly a job offer, possibly a move... A weird mixture of excitement and dread washed over her. She thought about X. She knew what he said about holding herself back on his account, but she hadn’t been without X since she met him at Hope. The thought of moving halfway across the country without him was terrifying.

Nicole pulled out her cell phone and sent him a message.

NH> Hey. Do you have time for dinner tonight. I’ll cook. I just heard back from D.C., they want to interview me.

XD> Sure, but no salads. And congrats. They’d be foolish not to interview you.

A new Facebook Message popped up on Nicole’s phone. She clicked on the notification and it took her directly to her messages. There was a response from Waverly.

Nicole,   
I’m glad you still have X in your life, he was so important to you back then. I’m glad something good came out of all that. I have to admit I’m a little surprised you haven’t met a special someone yet. I thought you’d be snapped up immediately. You were always so charming.

Darren is my life. I’m not working right now. After we moved to Virginia, I had a hard time finding a job, and once I was pregnant, I wanted to stay home with Darren. I didn’t want someone else raising my child while I was working only to barely cover the cost of childcare. It’s crazy how expensive childcare is. When I was working full time back in Colorado, my salary would only just cover the cost of childcare here in Virginia. So when we moved here and decided to start a family, I knew I wanted to stay home with our baby. Champ has really supported my decision to be a stay at home mom. He’s my rock. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Moving to Virginia has been so important for us. Champ has a great job managing a farm out here. It’s a real promotion and I’m so proud of him. 

So what kind of law do you want to practice?  
Waverly

 

Waverly,  
I’m mostly interested in contract or regulatory law, something business related. There’s no end to the work. Plus I’ve heard that the hours are little more reasonable for people working in the business field, as opposed to trial attorneys. I’m not that interested in spending all my time in court. I like writing contracts and doing more policy work. It may seem boring, but I feel like I can have a greater impact being on the front end of the law, helping to craft the contracts, rather than trying to dismantle or protect them later in court. Does that make any sense?

One example, I’m editing a law journal that focuses on business law. I was able to get an article on the importance of diversity in board rooms included in the magazine. Ok, so maybe it’s not a big deal, it’s not going to change the world, but it’s something. I had an impact and that felt great. I was really proud of it.

Tell me more about Darren? Speaking of things of which you should be proud. I have to admit, I really loved seeing all the pictures of you and Darren on your profile. He’s a cutie. What’s it like being a mom? Wow, that seems crazy to write that. How can you be old enough to be a parent? It must blow your mind.  
Nicole

 

Hi Nicole,   
You should be proud. All your hard work is paying off. I didn’t even finish college; I feel like I barely got started. Champ really had to focus on his ranch work, but unfortunately being a farm hand doesn’t pay that well. So I had to get a job to help support us while he was building up his experience. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to do it. And it’s paying off now. Champ is so happy at his current job. He wouldn’t have this opportunity without all the time he spent as a farm hand.

Darren is a real bundle of joy. I had no idea that someone so small could have that much energy. We have a park near our apartment, I try to take him out there as often as I can. He’s a swing hog, though. I really get an arm workout pushing him in it. I swear he’d stay in the swing for hours if I let him. 

I can’t get over how quickly he’s growing. I feel like I’m constantly having to buy bigger clothes for him. Champ thinks that I’m buying clothes that just fit him so I can have fun dressing him in new outfits. But I swear, I usually buy clothes two sizes too big, and even then he’ll stay in them for only a few months. 

Right now, Darren is completely obsessed with trucks and large vehicles. We have a weekly date watching the garbage truck come through our complex. Our garbage men are really nice and they always honk their horn for him. He loves giving them high fives. It’s pretty cute.

It’s funny, he’s such a boy. I tried to give him a doll to play with, and it was even a boy doll, but he had no interest in it. Champ didn’t like that either. He didn’t want me pushing girl toys on Darren. It’s so weird, boy’s and girl’s toys. I don’t remember everything being so gendered when I was a kid. Like legos, when we were kids everyone played with legos and there were just plain legos, we could build anything we want with them. Now they’re all sets to build something specific and there are girl’s legos and boy’s legos. Even for the little kids. Anyway, enough of that rant.

Do you know what you’ll be doing when you graduate? Or is it too early for that?  
Take care, I’ve really enjoyed catching up with you. It’s like I get to be a part of a whole different world.  
Waverly

 

Waverly,  
I’ve really enjoyed catching up, too. Every now and then, I’ll think about our time back at Hope. I’ve changed so much since then, but I think that experience really set me on my path. Learning how to stand up for myself in there made me realize how important it is. 

Do you ever think about Hope? X says he doesn’t, he just wants to forget it all, but I feel like it was a turning point for me.

I totally get what you’re saying about the toys. Why should any toy be gendered? It’s not like you need a penis to play with trucks. I like trucks. In fact, my dream car is a Ford F-150, cherry red, extended cab... But I’m with Darren on the whole doll thing, I never liked them either. I remember when I was little, an aunt bought me a Barbie doll for Christmas and I burst into tears because it was the worst gift ever. My mom really wanted me to play with it, she was so excited that I got a Barbie doll, but I hated it.

I don’t know what I’ll do when I graduate yet. I have a job offer with a small firm in Indianapolis, but if I join them, my practice area will be limited to small business contract writing and negotiation. Which is fine, but I was hoping to explore other areas of the law. I just heard from a large firm in D.C. that they want to interview me. So that’s really exciting. They have practice groups in all areas of law, and as a first year associate, I wouldn’t have to specialize in any one area. I’d be encouraged to try out all different practice groups to see which one fits best. The hours and work will be super demanding, but I’m excited about the possibility of seeing what’s out there for me. Not pigeon-holing myself right off the bat. I guess that’s been a theme for my whole life. 

Where is Wynonna these days? Is she in Virginia, too?  
Nicole

 

Hi Nicole,  
I think you’re right, I can’t see you narrowly defining what you want to do. That doesn’t seem like the Nicole I remember. The D.C. firm sounds like a great opportunity for you.

I do sometimes think about Hope. Actually, for a long time I didn’t. Like X, I just wanted to forget it. But now that you’ve reached out to me, I’ve been thinking about it more. Do you remember those crazy makeover sessions. We were so stupid. It’s not like they changed anything, right? What a waste. 

Oh well. 

I’m not sure where Wynonna is right now. Last I heard, she was in Greece. Wynonna being Wynonna.

That’s exciting about your interview in D.C. I hope it works out for you. I’m not that far from D.C., only about an hour and a half away. If you moved to D.C., maybe we could meet up some day.   
Take care,  
Waverly

 

Nicole read over the last message from Waverly several times. It stung to see Waverly calling the makeovers a waste. Nicole thought she understood what Waverly meant. It’s not like they changed her mind about using makeup, but she’d hardly call them a waste of time. Nicole got to spend one on one time with Waverly, talking and laughing like they were normal kids. Those were some of her fondest memories from Hope. Waverly saying they meant nothing really hurt.

If they meant nothing to Waverly, maybe all of their shared moments at Hope meant nothing. Maybe their kiss meant nothing, too. Nicole wondered if that was closer to the truth. Waverly was straight; she married a guy. She wanted to forget their time at Hope and said it meant nothing. 

That hurt more than she thought it would. How could this woman still have such a hold over her? 

That evening, X let himself into Nicole’s apartment as she was preparing to put her lasagna in the oven. He walked into the kitchen and peered over her shoulder at the food, setting a bottle of wine on the counter.

“Did you put spinach in that?” He asked apprehensively.

“Did you bring wine?” Nicole responded, sarcastically.

X laughed. “Yep. I thought maybe you could use some. I have a feeling we’re getting deep tonight.”

“That sounds so dirty.”

“You know me, always going deep.”

“Please shut up.” Nicole winced, and X patted her shoulder.

“Have you set up the interview?” He asked while walking over to her couch.

“Not yet, I wrote back to my friend and said I wanted to move forward. Can’t hurt to see what’s out there.”

“How awesome would that be if you got the job?” X asked.

Nicole shrugged her shoulders. 

“Are you worried about the interview?” He asked.

“Not really. There’s less pressure since I already have a job lined up. It doesn’t matter if I blow it.”

“But,” X said, staring at her pointedly, “this would be a much better fit, if you get the job.”

“Maybe.” She let the word hang in the air. “I’m still not sure about D.C.” She opened the oven and placed the baking dish inside.

“Because I won’t be there?”

“Partly. Well, mostly. Yeah. Plus, I was originally excited about seeing Waverly. But now I’m not sure.” Nicole set the timer on the stove.

“Why not?”

Nicole let out a huff. “Because she’s straight and I’m not. Because I was attracted to her and she’s married. It just feels wrong.” 

“Did she say anything to you?”

“You mean besides the fact that Champ is her rock and she’s so proud of him?”

“Champ’s the husband?” X asked.

“Yes,” Nicole groaned, “Unfortunately.” 

“Why don’t you open that bottle while you’re over there.” X suggested.

“Are you trying to get me drunk? Again?”

“Hey.” He pointed at Nicole. “I’ve never tried to get you drunk.”

“Oh yeah? What do you call my 21st birthday?”

“A rescue mission. To pull your head out of your own ass.” He smirked at her. “I think we’re bordering on intervention level right now.”

Nicole flipped him off before opening the wine bottle and pouring herself a large glass of the red wine. “You sure you don’t want any?”

X just shook his head with a grin. “Just water please.”

“You can get your own damn water.” She pursed her lips together to hold back her smile. Nicole walked into her living room and took the over-stuffed chair across from the couch. She sat back and put her feet up on the wooden coffee table between them.

“Did your mom ever tell you that you have terrible manners.”

“All the time.” Nicole lifted the wine glass to her lips. 

X laughed and shook his head. “What am I going to do with you? I hope you won’t behave this way during your interview.”

Nicole shifted deeper into the seat and spread her legs open and put her free hand on her crotch. “What are you talking about?” 

X looked away from her and laughed. “You’re an ass, Nicole Haught.”

“I know, and you love me anyway.”

X just laughed as he stood up and walked into Nicole’s kitchen. He grabbed a glass from her cabinet and filled it up at the tap. “So tell me more about this D.C. firm.”

“One of my classmates who graduated last year works for them now. She said they’re trying to make a big push to increase their diversity profile. They’ve gotten some bad press in the past, and now they’re making a strong effort to attract a more diverse associate pool.”

“So your friend naturally thought of you.”

“Well, yeah. But she also knows I’m interested in regulatory work and D.C. is the best place for that. And this firm in particular does a lot of that kind of work.”

“So how do you let a firm know about your ‘diversity status’ on a resume?” X did air quotes.

“I gave them the article I wrote about the benefits of diversity in the work place for my law seminar. And in my cover letter, I wrote about the pro bono work I did with the local attorney to help the transgender youth center get their 501C3 status.”

“And from there, they can make their own assumptions?”

“Well, it got me an interview. The next step is up to me.”

“What are you going to tell them?”

“About what?”

“About you? About your gender and sexuality. I assume that you want to highlight that if they’re looking for diversity.”

“Actually, not really. I’d rather stand on my own two feet.” Nicole took another sip of her wine. “I want them to see me as an attorney, not just some gender nonconforming lesbian. Ultimately, they’re going to hire me because they think I can handle the work, not because I’m queer.”

“True. What are you going to wear to the interview?”

Nicole thought about that for a second. “Well, I have that awesome three piece suit. Maybe I could wear that.”

“You do look really good in it.” X said, making his way back to the couch. “Are you going to wear a tie, too?”

“Maybe not for the interview. I don’t want to push it.”

X laughed. 

 

When the lasagna was finished, X and Nicole each served themselves a plate and sat down at her small kitchen table. 

“So you’ve been in touch with Waverly?” X asked, as he started to dig in to the food.

“Yeah.” Nicole blew on a bite of food to cool it down. “We’ve been sending messages back and forth over Facebook.” She ate the bite.

“What is she saying?”

“Not much. Champ is great. Her baby, Darren, has a lot of energy…”

“Darren?” X cut her off.

“Yeah. That’s the kid’s name.”

“Weird name, I wonder where she got it. I would have thought she’d name her kid with a W name.”

“Who knows. I can ask her, though.” Nicole took another bite. “So I told you she suggested that if I come to D.C., we could meet up.” Nicole tried to make the comment sound casual.

“But you don’t want to meet up with her.” X quickly jumped all over it.

“Maybe. I don’t know.” Nicole lifted her wine glass to study the deep burgundy liquid. “I want to see her. But I also don’t. Not if it’s just going to break my heart.”

“I get that.”

“Do you?” Nicole looked over at X. “You’ve never had a serious relationship. You don’t let things get far enough to ever break your heart.”

“Hey, we’re talking about you here. Not me.” X held up his hands.

“Maybe we should be talking about you.”

“I’m not the one pining over a married woman.”

“You don’t pine over anyone.” Nicole shot back.

“Fair enough. But can we focus back on you for a second.” He gave Nicole a hard look. “Do you want to see Waverly? I mean, all things being equal, do you want that?”

Nicole looked down at her plate. She really did. Just the thought of seeing Waverly gave her pulse rate a kick in the ass. “Yeah. I do.”

“Even if it means breaking your heart?”

Nicole nodded. She let out a sigh and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know what to expect. I know that nothing is going to happen, but it would be really great to see her again.”

“Then make it happen. When you go down to D.C. for the interview, set up a time to meet her.” X took another large bite. “Meet her for dinner or something. Somewhere you can talk.”

Nicole looked up at X. “You’re the best. You know that, right?”

“I know.” He smirked at her. 

“I still want to talk about your love life, or lack thereof.”

X shook his head slowly. “Nope. Not gonna happen.”

“Come on. I’m the only person in your life…”

X shook his head.

 

After the dinner dishes were all cleaned up, Nicole was feeling pretty warm on three glasses of wine. X and Nicole crashed on her couch.

“Will you stay?” Nicole asked.

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, maybe watch a movie.”

“Fine, but none of that crappy rom-com shit.”

“Fine. What do you want to watch? And not Star Wars. If I see that again, I’m going to puke.”

“Sacrilege!” X looked aghast. “How about a cop movie?” X laughed. “Die Hard?”

“Die Hard 2 and you have a deal.” Nicole replied.

“Why 2?”

“Because snowmobiles and airplanes, man.”

“Yippee ki yay, mother fucka.” 

 

During an intense scene in the movie, X looked over as Nicole pressed her thumb into the spot where her tattoo was.

“Hey,” he nudged Nicole. “Why do you always do that?”

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Rub your tattoo?”

“Oh, that. It’s pressure point. Helps relax me.” Nicole said absently, still watching the movie.

“What kind of crap is that?”

“It’s not crap. Really. Try it. Press down on a pressure point. It will calm you down.” Nicole whispered over the movie.

X grabbed the remote and stopped the movie. “Do you, Nicole Haught, future lawyer of America, believe that pressing any particular point on your body can make you relax?” X sat up to look her full in the eyes.

“Sure. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“Bullshit. Pressure points can be used for self defense, I’ll grant you that. But stress relief? No way.”

“Come on? Play the movie.” Nicole whined.

“No.” X was adamant. 

“When we were in the hospital, Waverly was researching ways to calm down, and the encyclopedia said that pressure points are often used for stress relief.” Nicole looked over at X. “We used to try it out. I swear it works.”

“It’s all in your head.” X mumbled.

“Fine. Whatever.” Nicole looked back to the TV. “Can we play the movie?”

X shook his head and started the movie back up. Nicole immediately placed her thumb over the spot where her tattoo was and pressed down. Fuck him, it definitely calms me down.

 

The next morning, Nicole woke up to the smell of coffee and the sound of something sizzling in the kitchen. She dragged herself out of bed and into her kitchen. X was standing at her stove, already dressed, rolling some sausages around in her pan. 

“I’m throwing some eggs in with them.” He spoke over his shoulder. “You’re going to need more eggs.” He looked back to the pan. “And sausage. And coffee.” 

Nicole rubbed her eyes and wandered over to the coffee maker. “Thanks. I can hit the grocery later today.” She grabbed a mug from her cupboard and filled it up. Nicole stuck her nose down close to the top of the mug and inhaled deeply. “Thanks for making coffee. And breakfast.”

X looked back at her. “Nice pjs.”

Nicole glanced down her front. “What? I always sleep in boxers and a t-shirt.”

“How old are those? It almost embarrassing how threadbare they are.”

“Well, now you know what to get me for Christmas.”

“I’m not buying you underwear for Christmas.” X chided.

“Suit yourself.” Nicole said as she walked over to stand next to X. She looked down at the pan. “God, that smells good.” 

X laughed.

“When are you on duty again?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“They’re switching you back to days?” Nicole asked.

“For a couple weeks. You want to reinstate our Tuesday/ Thursday dinners?”

“Sure.” Nicole leaned her hip against the stove and looked down into her coffee mug. “Hey X?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking more about asking Waverly to dinner when I go down for my interview. Just as friends.” Nicole looked up at X to make sure he understood her meaning. 

“Uh huh.” X grunted out. “And?”

Nicole turned to face the stove and set her cup down on the counter next to it. “And.” She stopped to think. “And… I’m scared.” 

X didn’t look up from the pan, but nodded his head. 

Nicole turned from the stove and walked up and back across the small kitchen. “What if she says no. What if she doesn’t want to see me again. What if this is all in my head?” She glanced down at her hands. “God, look at me, I’m shaking and all I’m doing is talking about it.” She held out her slightly quivering hand to demonstrate. X turned to face her.

“What if she does want to see you?” He asked.

“Jesus, that’s even worse. What if she does, and I’m a gay mess and she’s like ho hum, whatever I’m straight now.”

“But this is just as friends.”

“Of course.” Nicole replied slightly exasperated.

“Are you sure?”

Nicole stopped pacing and leaned up against her fridge. “No.” She said, resignedly. “Can I be honest with you? I think there may be something up with her relationship with Champ. She hasn’t said anything, but I get the feeling like something isn’t right there.”

X gave Nicole a very hard stare. “What do you mean?”

“Remember how much she used to read at Hope? She used to love doing those crazy research papers. It was the one thing that made her feel like herself, not just Wynonna’s baby sister.”

X nodded, but let Nicole continue.

“She said that she had to drop out of college to support them both while Champ was working on his career. But she never went back.”

“That could mean any number of things. People have to drop out of school all the time to get jobs. That doesn’t mean their marriage is off.”

“I know. I’m probably reading too much into it. It just feels off to me. Like something isn’t right.” 

“Hey, get out of your head.” X pointed at Nicole. “That’s up to Waverly to figure out, not you. And if she’s fine, then you have to be fine with it, too.”

“I know.”

“Nicole.” X said in a stern voice. “I’m not kidding.” He turned to shut off the stove top and took the pan off the burner, then faced Nicole again. “I’ve seen you get all involved in your ex’s lives, trying to fix their problems and it only served to drag you down.”

“I know.”

“This is the reason you decided to take a break from dating, focus on yourself, your career.”

“I know. I know.” Nicole pushed off the refrigerator and walked over to pick up her coffee. She let out a sigh. “So you think I shouldn’t ask her dinner?”

“I didn’t say that. I just don’t want you trying to play hero where you don’t need to be, and frankly, where it can only bite you in the ass.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Nicole mumbled. 

X walked over to get a couple plates from her cabinet. He handed one to Nicole. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“I know.” Nicole groaned as she placed a couple sausages on her plate. “Where are the eggs? I thought you made eggs?”

“Shit, I forgot.”

 

X left after breakfast, and Nicole sat down at her computer. She went over the pros and cons of inviting Waverly to dinner. She ran through different scenarios in her head of what might happen if they met up. She tried to think of how she would handle different situations. But ultimately what it came down to was curiosity. There were too many “what ifs” floating around in her head. She’d been measuring all of her ex-girlfriends against Waverly, or an idea of Waverly. It was time to see where she stood with the real person.

She opened Facebook on her computer and went to Messenger. There were no new messages.

Waverly,  
I’m scheduling my interview in D.C. for next month. I haven’t heard back which day I’ll be in town, but I was wondering if you would like to meet up with me for dinner while I’m there. Just for old time’s sake. I’ll understand if you don’t. I just thought it would be nice to see you in person. 

Nicole’s hands shook as she typed out the message. She read through it several times, then added:

Here’s my phone number, in case you do want to meet up, or if you ever need to talk.

Nicole reconsidered briefly before typing out her cell number, then she hit send. The invitation was out there. No going back. Carpe fucking diem. 

 

As she was brushing her teeth before bed that night, Nicole heard her cell phone ring. She spit out her mouthful of toothpaste and tossed her brush in the sink before looking for her phone. As she reached it, she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and saw there was an unknown number on the caller ID. Panic set in.

Nicole felt her heart suddenly jump to life. Her hand shook as she accepted the call. She answered the phone wondering if she would even be able to hear the caller with all the ringing in her ears. 

“Hello?” Nicole answered tentatively.

“Hi, Nicole?” 

The soft feminine voice sent a charge of electricity through her. It was as if her whole body recognized it. Nicole held her breath.

“It’s Waverly…”

 

 

1993:  
Nicole stared down into the open drawer of her dresser. Sitting on top was the outfit her parents dropped off for her the day before. She knew full well that Susan was on shift that day and expected her to wear it. She also knew that her parents would want to see her in it when they visited that morning. It was Sunday and that meant Parent Visit Day. 

The outfit consisted of a matching sweater and skirt. Her grandmother bought it for her birthday, and Nicole absolutely despised it. The white sweater had a large pink flower knitted onto the front. It had those stupid puffy sleeves with shoulder pads sewn in. And the skirt, if anything, was worse. It was a rainbow collage of pastel colored flowers and stopped just above her knees. 

The thought of putting on the outfit honestly made her stomach turn. Just looking at it made her skin crawl. There was not one redeeming quality to it.

Nicole slammed the drawer shut and woke up Waverly in the process.

“What the hell?” The other woman sat up in bed, pushing her tangled hair out of her face. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah. I was just deciding what to wear.” Grumbled Nicole.

“Did something go wrong?” She looked at Nicole questioningly.

“My parents dropped off a skirt for me to wear, and I REALLY don’t want to.”

“Will they be coming today? Are they even going to see it?” Asked Waverly, pushing off her covers.

“Yeah, they’re coming.” Nicole groaned. “I just really hate that skirt.”

“Let me see it.” Waverly sat up more in her bed.

Nicole opened the drawer and held the skirt up like Ralphie held the Bunny costume in “A Christmas Story.” 

“Aw, it’s cute.” Waverly giggled.

“It’s atrocious.” Nicole complained, dropping it back into the drawer.

“So are you going to wear it?”

Nicole shook her head. As much as she wanted to reach level 3 and get her Walkman back, she was pretty sure it wasn’t worth the humiliation of wearing that flowered outfit. Instead, she pushed it to the side and picked out a soccer t-shirt and clean pair of jeans. Just holding the denim in her hand made it easier to breath.

After getting dressed and cleaned up in the bathroom, Waverly and Nicole made their way to breakfast. As they passed Wynonna’s closed door, the girls looked at each other ominously. 

“Maybe she’s just sleeping in.” Nicole whispered as they walked by. “Sunday is the only day we get to sleep in.”

“Maybe.” Waverly said under her breath, studying the door as if it might reveal something.

When they walked into the kitchen, Nicole saw Waverly pick up a bowl sitting off to the side.

“What’s that?”

Waverly held up the bowl. “My oatmeal. It’s usually what they have for me in the mornings.” She picked out a banana and eyed the apples. Nicole poured herself a bowl of Rice Krispies. 

As they walked into the dining area, the girls saw Randy sitting with a new kid. He had his back turned to them, but he appeared diminutive and had short, curly, black hair. 

“Girls.” Randy said in his husky voice. “I want you to meet our newest member. This is Jeremy. He arrived during the night.” 

Jeremy twisted slowly in his chair like he was afraid of what he might find. His dark eyes held back none of his worry and his curt wave spoke volumes. Nicole knew exactly how he felt.

Waverly waved at him with her free hand as she walked over to their table. She set her bowl down across from Jeremy and wore a wide smile.

“Hi, I’m Waverly and this is my roommate, Nicole.” She held out her hand to Jeremy, who took it hesitantly, but then shook it when Waverly’s smile grew even wider, crinkling up her eyes into half moons. Nicole took the seat next to Jeremy and marveled at how disarming Waverly could be. 

Then Nicole spoke up, “I’m depression.”

Jeremy looked at her confused.

“And I’m anger.” 

Jeremy turned to Waverly. “You’re anger?” He asked. “Is that a metaphor?”

“It’s a long story.” She said lightly. “What are you in here for?”

“I tried to commit suicide.” He said in a flat voice. His cheeks went bright red as he avoided eye contact with everyone at the table.

“Son, there’s no shame in being honest.” Randy said. “I’m glad to see that you can talk about it. How are you feeling?”

“Sleepy.” Jeremy replied. 

“That’s understandable. If you finish your breakfast quickly, you may be able to lie down for a few minutes before family meetings.” Randy started to stand up. “Let me know if you feel woozy or sick again.” He got up and walked to the dining hall door.

Waverly watched Randy walk away, then turned to face Jeremy again. “How did you try to hurt yourself?”

Nicole wasn’t sure it was a good idea to ask him questions about his suicide, but Jeremy quickly responded.

“I took a whole bottle of Advil.” 

“What happened?” Waverly asked.

“I fell asleep. Then my mom found me and she took me to the hospital, and then I had to get blood taken and now I’m here.” He stared off into the corner of the room.

Nicole studied Jeremy’s face. His light brown skin was perfectly flawless, his cheeks looked soft and rounded, matching the softness of his dark brown eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicole said. Jeremy didn’t respond in any way, just kept staring. Nicole looked over at Waverly. Her eyes were also studying Jeremy. Nicole briefly wondered what Waverly could see in him. 

“Well, for what’s it’s worth, it’s not so bad here.” Nicole tried again. “It seems really scary at first, but you figure it out pretty quickly.”

“I think I’m going to bed.” He mumbled and got up, walking out of the dining hall. 

Nicole and Waverly looked at each other. “I hope he’s ok.” Waverly said quietly.

“I’m sure he’s not, but at least he can’t hurt himself here. Right?”

“Right.” 

 

After breakfast, Nicole and Waverly walked back to their room past Wynonna’s closed door. As they entered their room, Waverly walked over to the window and climbed up onto the sill created by the cement block wall. She pressed her hands onto the glass and peered out the window. Nicole walked over and stepped up next to her.

The glass against her palm was cold, and Nicole pressed her nose against the glass and felt the chill run down the front of her face. She held her breath for a moment so that she could look out the window clearly.

There was a little more snow on the ground and Nicole realized that she hadn’t been outside once since she got to the hospital. 

“I’m worried about Wynonna.” Waverly broke Nicole’s thoughts.

“Yeah?”

Waverly nodded. “I think I should go knock on her door. But she hates being woken up. Mornings aren’t her thing.”

“Maybe let her sleep in for a few more minutes. I’m sure they’ll get her up before too long, it’s not like they’re going to let you miss a family meeting.”

Waverly turned her face solemnly to Nicole, who frowned in return. 

“We don’t have anymore family.”

“What?” Nicole hissed out.

“Daddy was it. That’s why they’re talking about sending us to Colorado or somewhere.”

“What about your mom?”

“She left when I was like four. I don’t even really remember her.”

“Holy shit.” Nicole muttered, looking back out the window.

“Yeah.”

“Now I get why you’re so protective of Wynonna.”

“Yeah. That’s part of it.”

Nicole quickly swiveled her head to face Waverly. “What else?”

Waverly was looking out the window. Nicole followed her gaze. A car was driving slowing around the bend into the parking lot. Nicole was glad to see it wasn’t her parents’ car.

She glanced back at Waverly. There was a deep sadness in her hazel eyes and none of her smile remained.

“What else?” Nicole said softly. 

“It’s not my place to say.” Waverly replied absently.

“Waverly.”

She let out a breath that fogged up the window in front of her. “Our dad used to hurt her. She shot him so he wouldn’t hurt me too. She didn’t shoot him to protect herself, she shot him to protect me.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but still…”

“Nicole, can we drop it?”

Nicole stood in the window frame, her fingers going numb with the cold, watching Waverly lost in her own thoughts. Eventually, she saw her parents’ car pull in and a few minutes later, Nicole was called to her first parent meeting.

 

So there was a lot of talk during her meeting about how they were hoping to see more progress made in her gender journal. Dr. Lucado felt like she wasn’t really trying very hard to change. Her dad asked her multiple times why she wasn’t wearing the skirt they brought in yesterday. Her mom, with the earnestness of a Christian on Sunday, asked her if she loved her grandmother. They also brought in another outfit, a dress this time. It was a present from Grandma. The dress was long and dark blue with a floral print. It had a lacy Peter Pan collar and a matching accent around the waist. Nicole rolled it up in her lap and secretly pulled at the edge of the lace until it started to come apart as she waited for the meeting to end.

 

When Nicole made it back onto the unit, Waverly and Wynonna were off somewhere else. Nicole found X coming back from his parent meeting. A middle aged, white woman with frizzy, long hair and deep smile lines on her face gave X a long hug before walking off the unit. X wore the same haunted look that he had after the D&A group. 

Nicole was about to ask him what was wrong, when Susan announced it was time for group meetings. Nicole followed X onto the A wing. She saw Jeremy sitting on the farthest end of the last couch with his legs neatly crossed and arms folded across his stomach. He looked like he was holding himself together as he stared off into space. Nicole sat down next to Jeremy, and X joined them.

Susan started the group by introducing Jeremy. “Everyone, we have a new member to our group. His name is Jeremy and he arrived late last night. Since he’s had a rough night, we’re going to let him listen to group for today, but I want you all to be good role models and show him how we need to share and be honest about our feelings during group. Ok?” Her blue eyes cut through the kids and everyone murmured an assent. 

“Nicole.” Susan immediately turned her attention on her. Nicole felt the icy sting of those eyes boring into her. “I thought you told me that you were going to try wearing a dress today?”

Nicole felt her throat constrict. Her mind went blank. Why didn’t she wear her dress today? She knew she had a perfectly good reason this morning. She told Waverly about it. Or she thought she did, didn’t she? Nicole thought back to first thing in the morning, holding the skirt in her hand like a deranged Easter bunny. 

“I couldn’t do it.” She mumbled into her lap. 

“Excuse me?” Susan replied.

“I couldn’t do it,” Nicole repeated herself, a little stronger.

“What do you mean you couldn’t do it? Was there something wrong with the dress? Did it not fit?”

“No. I couldn’t put it on.”

“Couldn’t, Nicole? Or wouldn’t?” 

Nicole could feel Susan’s eyes on her. She didn’t need to look up. 

“I didn’t want to. I hate that skirt. It feels funny and I hate the shoulder pads in the sweater. They itch and drive me crazy.” Nicole said.

“I have a funny feeling that you could find something wrong with every skirt your parents brought in.” Susan paused and Nicole couldn’t tell if her statement was rhetorical. “I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed. I thought you were making good progress before. You seemed so motivated. Can you tell me what changed?”

Nicole pulled at a hangnail next to her thumb. 

“Nicole? Are you willing to share?” Susan repeated.

Nicole glanced at Jeremy from the corner of her eye. He was watching her, clearly interested in what she was talking about. Nicole began to suspect that maybe they had more in common than just being depressed. Out of the blue, Nicole wanted to try being honest with Susan, like really honest.

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“What doesn’t feel right?” Susan asked.

“Dresses. It doesn’t feel right when I wear them.”

“What could possibly be wrong about a girl wearing a dress?”

Nicole hoped this question was rhetorical. 

“Nicole?” Susan waited for her to answer. “What’s wrong about a girl wearing a dress?”

“Nothing.” She sank deeper into the couch cushion, resting her chin on her chest, and picked at her hangnail more intently. 

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” Susan agreed, and Nicole rolled her eyes. 

She saw Jeremy still watching her. Nicole quickly averted her eyes.

“It isn’t right for me.” Nicole tossed out, she wasn’t sure if it was loud enough for Susan to hear.

“I disagree. What isn’t right, Nicole, is the way you are sitting.” 

Nicole looked up to see Susan pointing at her. 

“You should be sitting more like Jeremy.” She gestured at him. “And Jeremy, you should be sitting like Nicole.” 

Oh crap, Nicole thought. She was right. She and Jeremy had something else in common, something big. Nicole refused to look at Jeremy.

“I really hope you change your mind about dresses tomorrow.” Susan sat back and took a deep breath. “How about this,” her face softened, “Why don’t you try wearing a dress just through the end of group tomorrow, then you can take it off if you want. It will just be a half day. Will you do that for me?”

Nicole looked back down at the hangnail on her thumb. There was a long strip of new, pink skin revealed. “Yeah.” Nicole groaned. She knew the interrogation wouldn’t end until she agreed, and at least a half day was better than a full day.

“Fine.” Susan said in finality. “X, I want you to talk about what happened in your parent meeting today.” Nicole could feel him tense up next to her.

“No thank you.” His voice was an octave deeper than normal.

“I know you want level 3, now’s your chance to earn it.”

X took a few seconds before speaking again. “They’re going to move me into a new foster home when I leave.” X said.

“What does that mean to you?” Susan asked.

“I really like the home I’m in now. I like the woman I live with.”

“Can you tell us about her?”

“She’s really nice. I don’t feel like she’s constantly judging me, waiting for me to screw up. Every other home, it’s like the people are just waiting for you to mess everything up.” X kept his eyes focused on the table in front of him. 

Nicole looked at him in shock; it hit her that she had no idea he had been in foster care before coming to the hospital. She realized that she knew next to nothing about X’s life outside of Hope.

“Mary is super nice. And a really good cook. Her home is the best one I’ve been in, ever.” X continued. “I don’t want to leave.”

“What happened?” Nicole asked.

X still didn’t take his eyes off the table. “They just wanted to move me. My social worker said that they were going to move me again. But I really didn’t want to leave. I like Mary a lot.” His voice grew faint. He took a breath, held it for a moment, before slowly letting it out. “Mary has been the best foster parent. I know she’s alone and usually takes in kids younger than me, but I thought it was working between us.”

“You think she wanted you to be removed?” Susan asked.

“I don’t know who asked. I don’t think she did. I thought we were getting along. But then my social worker said they were looking for a new placement for me.”

“What happened next?” Susan pushed.

X didn’t say anything.

“X, what happened next? Why did you end up in the hospital?”

“Nothing.”

“X,” Susan’s voice became soothing, “honesty is the only way to heal.”

The tension in the air seemed to expand time, drawing it out second by painful second. X’s silence weighed heavily on Nicole. She willed her body to take some of that nervous energy from him. She could feel her own body tighten up.

“I tried to kill myself.”

Nicole wasn’t sure she heard the words right.

“Tell us more about that. I’m really proud of your honesty, by the way.” Susan‘s voice remained comforting.

“I didn’t want to move to a new home. I didn’t want to go through that again. Mary and I got along really well. I liked her. She’s really nice.”

“Is that why you wanted to hurt yourself? You wanted Mary to keep you in her home?”

“I didn’t want to leave. I’d rather be dead than have to go through a new placement. Nothing would be as good as her home. And the next one would probably be a lot worse. Nobody trusts a black teenage guy. You can see it in their eyes. They look at you like you’re going to steal everything they have. They expect you to rob them; they just know it.” He balled his hands into fists. “Nobody trusts you. They can talk all they want about trust and building trust, but they don’t trust me. They don’t know me at all, but they think they do, they think I’m a drug addict and a criminal. And it’s like they’re just waiting for me to screw up and show them that they are right.” 

His breath was coming in long, deeply controlled measures. The look in his eyes was fierce. 

“Mary wasn’t like that. She was just a woman and I was just a kid. It almost felt normal.” His jaw clenched. 

“How were you planning on taking your life?” Susan asked.

“Mary has a shotgun hidden in her attic. I found it when I was snooping around. When I first move into a new home, I have to check it all out to see what I’m up against, and I found her gun in the attic. She probably didn’t know that I knew she had one.”

“How far did you get? Were you just planning it or did you take any steps toward actually doing it?”

“The night my social worker told me I was going to be moved again, I snuck up into her attic and got the gun down. I sat in my room for hours that night just holding the end of the gun to my chin. I really wanted to do it. I didn’t want to be moved, death would be better than that. But I just sat there.”

The silence filled the room.

“What stopped you?” Asked Susan.

Every fiber in X’s body was drawn tight. He stared unfixed at the table. The only thing moving was his chest in a slow creep up and then back down again. 

Then his face screwed up, he brought his balled fists up to cover his eyes. A single high pitched wail left his mouth. It felt ethereal, like it never should have fit in his body. And then he became silent again except for his shuddering breaths.

After a minute, X wheezed out, “I didn’t want her to clean up after me.” He drew in a ragged gulp of air. “She’s too nice. I didn’t want her to face that mess.” He continued to silently cry.

The whole room was suspended in that silence. Nicole was shaking. Her whole body was vibrating next to X. She had no idea what to do or say.

“Thank you for sharing, X. That was really brave. And very honest. You just took a big step toward level 3.” Susan’s voice sounded sympathetic, but Nicole couldn’t draw her eyes away from X. He continued to stare at the table, occasionally wiping his eyes.

After group ended, X stood up and walked to the far corner of the room and sat down on the floor with his back against the wall. 

Nicole followed him, not sure if he wanted any company. She sat down next to him and looked out across the room. X didn’t move or complain about her presence.

They sat there for a couple minutes. Then X broke the silence.

“I’m screwed.” He muttered.

“No, you’re not.”

X shook his head slowly. 

“Want to know a secret? I think I’m gay.” Nicole said.

X looked at her. 

“Actually, you’re screwed.” X said, and then he started to laugh. 

The sound rang out through the room and Nicole joined him. Everyone turned to look at the pair of them in the corner. The tears flowed freely as they laughed hard.

 

That afternoon, the teens played dodgeball in the gym. Randy helped organize the game, splitting up the kids into two teams. 

“Wynonna, you have to be on the opposite team from your sister.” He looked her over, as Wynonna laced her arm through Waverly’s elbow. The younger sister looked worried until Wynonna leaned over and whispered something in her ear. 

“Fine, old man,” Wynonna said, taking a step away from Waverly. “But then Ketchup and Mustard don’t get to be on the same team, either.” She was pointing between Nicole and X. 

“That’s fair.” Randy agreed.

“And I chose ketchup.” She threw in before Randy could say anything more. Wynonna walked over to Nicole and stood shoulder to shoulder with her.

“Fine.” Randy declared. Nicole saw Waverly’s brow scrunch up in confusion. Truth be told, she was a little confused as to why Wynonna chose her as well.

“Alright, Heinz 57.” Wynonna leaned into her as the rest of the kids were divided up. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I want bragging rights at dinner tonight.” 

A slow smile crept over Nicole’s face. This was the first time they were playing the game, and nobody knew that dodgeball was a particular strength of hers. She looked down at Wynonna standing smug next to her, and something in the other girl’s eye told her that maybe Wynonna could tell. 

The teams were made and the two balls were divided between them.

Nicole gave a steely look at X from across the floor. And as if reading her mind, a smirk broke out across his face. It was on. Every fucked up thing that was going on, every painful conversation, every moment of self-doubt and confusion boiled up to a nerf ball-shaped head. 

X cracked his knuckles and Nicole couldn’t help but laugh to herself, keeping her eyes trained on him. Game on. They all needed this. Nicole glanced over at Waverly just in time to duck from a ball headed swiftly at her shoulder. Waverly wore a shit-eating grin, until the ball missed Nicole. 

“Dammit.” She yelled, spinning around.

“Language, Waverly!” Randy barked out. He looked like he was trying hard to hide a grin.

So that was their game, thought Nicole. She was so ready to tear through this. 

Nicole picked up a ball and used it to block another ball straight up in the air, easily grabbing it before it fell. She tossed the second ball to Wynonna and stepped up to the midline. 

After several minutes, both teams were dwindling down. X carried a ball up to his line, surveying his list of potential victims. He gave a hard look at Wynonna that slowly turned into a dangerous grin. 

“Lets see it, Grey Poupon.”

His grin turned into a fierce smile as he let loose a cannon shot. Wynonna jumped up in the air, trying to get out of the way, but the ball clipped the bottom of her foot. 

“Goddammit.” She yelled as she fell to the ground. Nicole saw Randy just shaking his head laughing. “That’s it. Heinz, kick his ass for me will ya?” She got up and walked off to stand with the other kids on the side of the gym.

Nicole clapped her hands. “Looking forward to it.” Just then the second ball came sailing at Nicole’s chest. Her arms instinctively wrapped around the ball, catching it. 

“Oh man! I can’t believe a girl got me out.” Whined Sean, as he wandered to the sideline. 

Nicole glanced over at Waverly, who was smiling at her. That smile filled her. It felt like everything. Nicole gripped the ball tightly and ripped off a shot at another player, striking him on the foot. She felt invincible, breathing deeply, Nicole let out a deep “Yeah!”

The game wound down to its conclusion, Nicole was the last one left on her side, while both Waverly and X remained from their team. Waverly proved to be a very effective dodgeball player. She was both tiny and fast, and surprisingly flexible.

Nicole had both balls in her possession. She eyed X, but turned her attention on Waverly. She needed take care of her before really focusing on X. 

Nicole walked up to the midline and paced back and forth, watching Waverly. She was hopping on her toes, ready to jump or dodge out of the way. Nicole knew she had to find a way to catch her off her guard. So she turned her eyes to X, keeping Waverly in her peripheral vision. When Waverly looked over at X, Nicole spun and whipped off a shot at Waverly’s middle. 

She bent back, nearly doubled, like she was doing a back flip, and the ball sailed right over her. She finished the flip and stood up gracefully, like it was no more effort than a blink.

“What the hell?” Nicole growled out.

“10 years of dance, baby.” She stressed that last word, drawing out the last syllable into a smack-talking grin. Waverly picked up the ball and tossed it delightfully in the air in front of her. 

Nicole quickly grabbed her second ball and prepared for Waverly’s throw. It was a surprisingly feeble attempt, Nicole thought. She was easily able to deflect it with her ball into her back corner for later. Nicole shook her head at Waverly.

“Nice try, maybe next time.” Then Nicole turned to look at X. 

X was close to his back wall. He started hopping up in the air. “Lets see what you’ve got, girly.”

“Oh you’re not gonna see it.” Nicole deadpanned. “You won’t know what hit ya.”

X laughed. He started walking back and forth. “Well, come on.”

“Get ready to have your butt handed to ya.” This was a dance that Nicole knew well. They were both testing the waters, and Nicole loved the smile on X’s face. She stood up tall and squared her shoulders, trying to look as big and intimidating as she could.

And then she felt a sting on her hip. Nicole looked down and saw the second ball bouncing away from her. She looked over at Waverly in absolute confusion.

She wore a wide smile and had a fiery gleam in her eyes that caused Nicole’s stomach to drop between her legs. “You need to watch your balls.” She said, walking toward Nicole. Just before reaching her, Waverly looked off in the distance and strolled right in front of her. “Sometimes it pays to be invisible.”

“Huh?” fell from Nicole’s lips.

X walked over and thumped her shoulder. “Girly.” 

“But…”

Wynonna pipped up from the sideline. “Way to go, ketchup. Now she’ll never stop gloating.”

 

That night at wrap up, Randy announced that the high school unit would be going on a field trip to the movies.

“You have to be on either level 3 or 4 by next Friday to go. We will only be taking kids that we can trust to behave themselves.” He glared at Sean, then at Wynonna. 

“What movie are we going to see?” Asked one of the other kids.

“Mrs. Doubtfire.” 

There were a couple groans.

“What? I thought you kids would be excited. It’s the new Robin Williams movie.” He held out his hands.

Nicole looked over at Wynonna and Waverly. They were sitting together across the room. Waverly wore an excited grin. She clapped her hands, while Wynonna rolled her eyes. 

Sean flopped back against his couch. “Who wants to see a dude cross dressing anyway. That’s so gay.”

The comment sent a chill down Nicole. She looked at Randy to see how he would handle it.

“Well, if you don’t want to see it, you don’t have to go.” He said. 

Nicole liked Randy. He seemed more fair than the other staff at Hope, but she realized that didn’t matter. This was not a friendly place to be gay. And what did she expect, anyway. Nicole was just glad that X took the news ok. At least he didn’t freak out.

 

Nicole was getting ready for bed when Waverly walked into the room. Embarrassed by being half dressed, Nicole turned her back to Waverly and quickly pulled on her pajama shirt. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were getting dressed.” Waverly walked over to her bed. Nicole looked back over her shoulder. Waverly stripped off her shirt and set it down on her bed. Nicole whipped away from Waverly so fast she pinched a nerve. She grimaced and rubbed her neck, as she heard Waverly continue to undress. Nicole’s cheeks burned.

“Pretty exciting about the movie, right?” Waverly said. Nicole stared down at her bed, too afraid to look at Waverly.

“Yeah. If you’re on level 3. I don’t think I’ll ever make level 3.”

“Why not?” Asked Waverly

“Because they want me to wear one of those hideous dresses to make level 3. I just can’t do that.”

“What if we team up. I really want to go, and I want you to go, too. We can do it together. Like Dan said when they moved you in here. We’ll help each other.”

“That’s easy for you, you don’t care about wearing dresses. You look good in them.”

“Easy? I have to watch Wynonna spiraling out of control. You know what they told us today? They want to move her to a state hospital, they don’t think they can handle her here.”

“A state hospital?”

“Yeah, and the minimum stay there is six months.”

“Shit.” Nicole looked around at Waverly. Thankfully, she had her pjs on. “When are they moving her?”

“I don’t know. Soon probably. They said they were looking for a hospital with an open bed.”

“What will happen when she goes there?”

“I have no idea. Plus, I have no idea what will happen to me.” She clenched her fists. “I can’t be separated from her. She’s the only person I have left.” 

Everything in Nicole’s body screamed to tell Waverly that she had her, too. But in her heart, Nicole knew it wasn’t true. They were both just teenagers. Nicole couldn’t do anything to protect Waverly, they were both stuck in their situations. The world was revolving around them, telling them where to go, who to be. It didn’t seem fair that neither of them were trusted with a say in their own lives. 

Since she didn’t have a better answer, Nicole changed the subject. “How do you think we can make level 3 by Friday?” 

A small smile crept out on Waverly’s face. “Can I help with your makeover?”

“You want to do a makeover on me?”

“Sure, I think it would be fun.”

Nicole winced at the idea of a fun makeover. 

“I’ll help you, you can use my makeup and everything. Really go all out.” 

“Makeup?” Nicole practically yelled. “God, I thought a dress was bad enough.”

Waverly cocked her head to the side, “Do you want to go to the movie or not. They want to see a girlie Nicole, so let’s give them a really girlie Nicole.”

She groaned and sat down on her bed. “So how do I help you with the whole Wynonna situation?”

“Ok, so I was doing some research into relaxation techniques.” Waverly walked around her bed to sit down opposite Nicole. “I read about pressure point relaxation. I was thinking about trying it out. Maybe we could try it together.” She paused a moment. “I mean, if you want.”

“What is it?”

“Well,” She sat up a little taller in her bed, “there are pressure points on your body, and that’s where you can feel your pulse. If you put some mild pressure on them, they are supposed to help you relax.”

“Like a massage?”

“Sort of. More like slight, steady pressure. Not really massaging.”

“Where are they?” 

“All over. The main ones are in the hands, wrists, neck, pelvis, and feet.”

“So what do we do? Just push on them?” Nicole held up her hand and pushed down on her pulse point at her wrist.

“Not like that.” Waverly stood up and sat down next to Nicole on her bed. She grabbed Nicole’s hand and pulled it into her lap. Nicole felt her face light up and her ears started to burn. Her hand felt hot in Waverly’s. “Like this.” She gently pushed down on the middle of Nicole’s palm. 

Nicole thought her heart was going to jump right out of her body. She tried to keep her hand as still as possible. She was definitely feeling something, but it wasn’t relaxed.

“Is that helping?”

Nicole nodded dumbly.

“What about this point?” Her thumb traveled across her palm to press down on a new location. 

Nicole swallowed hard and thought better of trying to talk.

“This point is supposed to be connected to your heart.” She ran her thumb over the spot.

Yep, she definitely felt that.

Waverly looked up from her palm. Nicole was terrified that she could see everything written out across her face, the truth about how she felt. 

“Do you want to try it with me tomorrow?”

Nicole just nodded again. She was completely helpless. And the beautiful, wide smile that broke out across Waverly’s face didn’t make it any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you DreadPirateBrown for telling me I’m not crazy for writing this shit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Gender correction therapy and homophobia

Chapter 5:

2008: (one month later)  
“Hey Waverly,” Nicole balanced the phone between her ear and shoulder as she lifted a small, carry-on sized suitcase on her bed. “I’m just calling to make sure we’re still on target for dinner tomorrow.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m looking forward to it.” Waverly spoke very softly through the phone.

Nicole paused a moment, taking the phone back into her hand. “Is everything ok?” 

“Yes, Darren just went down for a nap. He’s been so fussy lately. I think he must be cutting a new tooth. Anyway, it took him forever to fall asleep, so I don’t want to wake him by accident.” She replied quietly. 

“Is this a good time? I could call back later…”

“No, this is a good time. The best actually. It’s almost impossible to talk on the phone when he’s awake and still hold a coherent conversation.”

Nicole smiled into the phone. “I get it. He’s really running you around in circles, isn’t he?”

Nicole heard a strong laugh and then, “You have no idea.” Waverly’s voice was deeper. 

“So I found us a fun restaurant to try. Are you up for Indian?”

“I can’t remember the last time I had Indian. That sounds great. Can you email me the name of the restaurant?”

“Better yet, when I get off the phone, I’ll text it to you.” 

“Great. That will give me time to mapquest it. I’ve never driven into the city before. Truth be told, I’m a little nervous.”

“Why’s that?” Nicole furrowed her brows. She quickly scolded herself for not finding something closer to Waverly.

“Champ is so protective of his truck. I mean, I get it, it’s his work truck, but you’d think he had two children, not just one.” 

Nicole let out a “Huh.” She paused a moment. “Would you prefer that I find something a little closer to you, something outside the city? I don’t want you getting stressed about driving in.”

“No, it’s fine. This is just me, it’s a big truck and I don’t drive it all that often.” 

“I’m sure I can find an Indian place a little closer…”

“No, you’re flying all the way out here, the least I can do is drive my butt into the city for once.” Waverly laughed lightly.

“I’m surprised you haven’t been into the city yet, what with all the museums. I thought you’d be all over that.”

“I’d love to, but between Darren’s nap schedule and only having one vehicle, trips to D.C. just never seem to happen. We talk about it all the time, but never get around to it. So really, this is a good excuse for me to get into the city. Plus I haven’t had a girl’s night out since we left Colorado. So no more excuses, I’m coming to D.C. And D.C. better watch out.” 

Nicole smiled at the enthusiasm in Waverly’s voice. “That sounds great, Waves. I’m really excited about seeing you tomorrow night. I can’t believe it’s working out.”

Waverly’s voice softened. “Yeah, me too.” In the background, Nicole could hear the cries of a baby. “Oh jeez, I gotta run. Safe flight tomorrow. And call me when you get in so I can wish you luck before the interview.”

“Will do.” Then they said a quick goodbye. 

Nicole tossed her phone on the bed next to her suitcase. She laid out an extra suit, just in case something tragic happen on the plane to D.C., like she spilled coffee all over herself. Besides her toiletries, pjs, and clothes for the next day, she didn’t think she’d need too much stuff for her overnight trip. Nicole briefly considered what to wear to dinner with Waverly. Her freshly dry cleaned three piece suit was hanging up in her closet ready to go in the morning. She really wanted Waverly to see her in it. 

Nicole was fully aware that she was only meeting Waverly as friends, but a little part of her hoped to see a spark of the old attraction in her when they met up. She wanted Waverly to see the confident (almost) lawyer that she had become since Hope. 

After texting Waverly the address of the restaurant and packing her bag, Nicole double checked all the details of her trip to make sure she had everything she needed. She did a little more research on the firm and listed out three questions she wanted to ask her interviewers the next day. She made a second list of things she wanted to get across about her herself during their questions of her.

 

Early the next morning, X pulled into her parking lot and Nicole grabbed her bag and briefcase, before locking herself out of her apartment. 

“Hey girlie.” X greeted her when she opened up his passenger side door. “You need some coffee for the road?” 

“I already had a cup, but if you’re paying- then I’m drinking.” Nicole dumped her bags into his backseat. 

“Soma should be open.” He offered.

“Nah, they take too long, plus we’d have to find parking.”

“Starbucks?” 

The two of them looked at each other and quickly grimaced, then burst out laughing since they were able to read the other’s thoughts. 

“Never mind. I think I’m ok. I’ll buy something when I get past security.” Nicole offered. “Let’s just drive to the airport.”

X pulled out of her parking lot and headed toward the highway. “Are you nervous about the interview?”

“Actually, I’m more nervous about seeing Waverly afterward.”

“Really? I thought you’d be excited about that.”

“I am, but I’m also nervous. We’ve had several phone calls, and they’re going great. But now it’s going to be face to face. What if she sees me and regrets what happened at Hope?”

“She’s married; you’re just friends.”

“I know. But…”

“No buts, she’s married. There’s no room for anything else.”

“You’re right.” Nicole groaned. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I just want you going into this thing with your head clear. You’re in D.C. for you, not Waverly.”

“Got it, Dad.” 

“Sometimes I wish I was your dad.” X grinned at her from the driver’s seat. “Put some sense into your head.”

Nicole laughed back. 

 

When she landed in Washington, Nicole called Waverly as she waited in line at the car rental agency. 

“Guess what; I’m standing on Virginia soil.” Nicole said, greeting Waverly.

“Very exciting. Is this your first time outside of Indiana?” Waverly asked.

“No, I’ve left Indiana before, but it’s definitely been a while.” 

“So what do you think?” 

“It looks a lot like Indiana.” 

“Have you even left the airport?”

“Nope. I’m in line to get a rental car. Hey speaking of which, I could drive out to meet you somewhere, if that would be easier for you?”

“Nicole, that Indian place sounds great. I’m happy to drive out and see you. It’s good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone every now and then. You taught me that.”

Nicole grinned into her phone. She didn’t want to say anything and come across as a sap.

“You ready for your interview?”

“I think so. I have a series of interviews, actually. They start this afternoon and I should be done by 4.”

“Are you nervous? I’ve never interviewed for a career job before. I had to interview for a waitressing job once in Colorado, but my Uncle Curtis knew the owner, so I had an in.”

“How long did you live in Colorado?”

“Shortly after I got out of Hope, I moved in with my Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis. They live in Purgatory.”

“Where’s that?”

Waverly laughed. “Exactly. It’s about an hour south of the ski resort, Telluride.”

“Oh.” Nicole said, not really understanding. She’d heard of Telluride, but couldn’t point it out on a map.

“It’s a cute, small town.” Waverly explained. “Emphasis on the word small. It’s a ski town, not much else.”

“Are you a skier?”

“Not really. I preferred the summers, the mountains are more fun to explore and I don’t freeze to death.”

“Hey, sorry, but I gotta run. I’m next in line. So I’ll see you tonight?” Nicole asked one last time.

“Of course. And Nicole?” Waverly hesitated.

“Yeah?”

“Good luck today. I’ll be thinking of you. Sending you good vibes.” Waverly’s voice was so warm and soft, it felt like a hug in itself.

“Thanks.” Nicole released like a held breath. As she hung up, she felt a glow inside that she couldn’t deny. She hated that her body reacted so strong to hearing Waverly’s voice. The woman made her vibrate. Like turning a car’s ignition, talking to Waverly gave her so much energy. But right now, with the interviews in front of her, she took that energy, that confidence, and turned it toward the task ahead. 

 

When she parked her rental in the lot beneath the firm’s downtown building, Nicole quickly checked her reflection in the rear view mirror. She ran her hands back through her hair and cleared her throat. She let a shudder run through her body, before steeling herself and stepping out of the car. With a deep breath, Nicole straightened out her gray vest and buttoned her dark blue jacket. She gave herself a once over in the reflection of the car window. She checked her teeth in the side mirror and popped in a breath mint for her walk into the building. 

Just before entering the firm’s main lobby, Nicole checked her cell phone. There was a text from X wishing her luck at dinner because she wouldn’t need it for the interview. This made Nicole grin. She thought about her date with Waverly that night and a her grin turned into a wide smile. All she had to do, she thought to herself, was hold on to this feeling. Everything was going according to plan and when she was done, she’d get to see Waverly again. Nicole pursed her lips, blew out a quick puff of air, grabbed the door handle, and stepped into the lobby. 

 

When Nicole left the office building at 4:30 that afternoon, she wore the biggest grin. She knew she nailed the interviews. And beyond that, she really enjoyed meeting the attorneys who interviewed her. One of the younger attorneys was impressed that Nicole knew she was interested in doing regulatory work and was able to talk about her interest in Federal Energy Regulations. 

“Most people think energy work is all environmental law.” The second year associate had told her. “I’m glad that you already know it’s more contract work.” 

She walked back to her rental with a definite strut in her step. She was done with the hard stuff, and now she could freely look forward to seeing Waverly. Driving to her hotel, Nicole put on her favorite playlist and sang out as loud as she wanted, tapping out the beat on the steering wheel. When she pulled up to a stop sign, she glanced over at the driver next to her. She didn’t bother to stop singing, just nodded her head and flashed a cocky grin. The other woman smiled back at her and waved. 

 

Nicole checked in at the restaurant early, she didn’t have anything else to do and wanted to be there when Waverly arrived. She chose to stay in her three piece suit, just because, but when she sat down at the two person table, she adjusted her jacket, buttoning and unbuttoning it. She decided that unbuttoned was the way to go. She checked her breath again, and straightened out her hair. 

The waiter stopped by and she ordered a coke since she would be driving back to the hotel that night. Her knee bounced as she waited for her drink. When the glass arrived, she took a sip and looked around the restaurant. After a few sips, she opened the menu and looked over the selections. The waiter stopped by a second time and asked if she wanted to wait to order. 

“Yes, I arrived a little early. She’s on her way.” She smiled up at him. Nicole felt her phone vibrate, and she remembered that she had turned off her ringer while at the interviews. She turned the ringer back on and saw a quick text from X wishing her luck at dinner, as well as a smiling emoji. 

She sent off a winking emoji back to X and double checked her emails to make sure she hadn’t missed anything from Waverly.

A few minutes later, the waiter stopped by to check up on her. Nicole looked down at her watch and saw that Waverly was now a little late. She told the waiter that she thought her date was running a little behind, and that it was her first time driving in the city. 

The waiter nodded in understanding. “Parking can be a nightmare. I’m sure she’ll be here soon.” He reassured her. This made Nicole laugh internally, she wondered how often he had to reassure nervous guests about late dates.

She looked down at her watch again. Waverly was ten minutes late. Not outside the realm of understanding. Maybe traffic was bad getting into the city. She thought about checking traffic on her phone before realizing she had no idea how Waverly would be driving in.

With her drink mostly consumed, Nicole started to feel the need to use the bathroom. She really didn’t want to leave the table. She knew the second she left, Waverly would show up. Her knee bounced a little more urgently. She looked around the room. A couple that arrived after her were already starting to eat. 

Nicole looked down at her thumb, but resisted the urge to pull at a hangnail. It was fine. If something was wrong, Waverly would have called. She’s just a little late. That’s totally understandable with a kid and a long, unfamiliar drive. 

The waiter stopped by again. Nicole seized the opportunity to ask him where the bathroom was.

“It’s down the hall and to your right. And don’t worry, if your date arrives, I’ll show her to the table. They have your name at the front desk for the reservation.

Nicole thanked him and stood up to walk back to the bathroom. She figured that if Waverly was only going to show up when she was in the bathroom, she may as well get it over with. 

The bathroom was a single occupancy room. Nicole was very grateful. She after taking care of her needs, she stood in front of the large mirror. She adjusted her hair, straightened out her suit coat and rolled her neck. Waverly would probably be out there waiting for her. She wanted the first impression to be a good one. She didn’t want Waverly to think she was worried about her showing up late. She shook out her arms and took a few deep breaths. She could do this. 

Waverly is out there. She is waiting. She is out there waiting to see me. This made Nicole smile again. She felt herself relax again. Waverly’s out there, girly, go get her. 

She walked back out into the dinning room and scanned the seats at her table. No Waverly. She looked around the front waiting area, and still no Waverly. As she sat back down at the table, she heard her phone ding.

She pulled the phone from her pocket and saw there was a new email message. Nicole opened her email app and there was an message from Waverly. Nicole’s heart sank just seeing the name. She stared at it for a few seconds, not really wanting to read it. She knew something had happened. Or she changed her mind, and she didn’t want to see Nicole after all. 

She tried to hold back her disappointment as she clicked on the message. Just then the waiter walked back up to the table. Nicole turned her long face up to him, and he knew.

She looked back down and quickly read the message. There was something about Champ running late, and she didn’t have the truck. It wasn’t going to work out to have dinner. There were a lot of sorries. 

The waiter placed a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry about the coke, if you need to leave. It’s on the house.”

Nicole looked back up at him. He was smiling down at her sympathetically. She gave him a half-hearted grin back and nodded. A hoarse “thanks” left her throat, as she looked around the table. He walked off and she tried to collect her thoughts and belongings. 

Waverly stood her up. The thought raced through her mind. She didn’t want it to cut as deep as it had. All the happy energy she had before simply drained from her body. She stood up heavily, gave one last look around the table before leaving a hefty tip, and walked out of the restaurant. 

She sat in her car; the evening had turned to night and the green glow of the dashboard illuminated the front seat. Nicole opened the email again to read the message more carefully.

Nicole,  
I am so so sorry. I won’t be able to make it after all. Champ got caught at work, so I don’t have the truck. Even if he got back right now, I’d be so late that I don’t think it’s worth driving all the way into the city. Darren will need to go to bed soon, and Champ will need me at home to take care of him. Champ isn’t the only one who needs my boobs. (Sorry that was crass- I know, breastfeeding is a beautiful expression of motherhood. I think I’m so tired I’m drunk.)  
I’m really sorry. I wanted to hear how your interview went. I bet you did well. I hope you aren’t too mad at me. And enjoy the Indian. I’m totally jealous. I was really looking forward to that. Champ isn’t much of an adventurous eater, so we never go out to fun places.  
Give me a call if you want, if you aren’t too pissed at me.  
I’m so sorry.  
Waverly.

The message felt like a gut punch. Nicole stared at her phone wondering what her next step should be. Should she call Waverly? Call X? Go back to the hotel, take a hot bath, and mope? Suffer in silence?

Nicole shook her head. She took a deep breath and pulled up Waverly’s number. She chewed her bottom lip as she argued with herself. 

She wasn’t pissed at Waverly. It sounded like it was Champ’s fault she couldn’t come. Waverly sounded disappointed that she couldn’t make it, but maybe she was just saying that to soften the blow to Nicole. 

Before her head could run away with her spiraling imagination, Nicole decided she would call Waverly. Hearing her voice would probably tell Nicole everything she needed to know. So she dialed.

The phone rang. And rang. And rang. Just as Nicole was deciding if she was even going to bother leaving a message, she heard Waverly pick up.

“Nicole?” Her voice was so tiny.

“Is everything ok?” Nicole immediately frowned, her disappointment displaced by concern.

“I am so sorry.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Champ. I should have known it was too good to be true. He called to say he was staying out with his work buddies and needed the truck.” The phone went silent for a moment. “I told him I needed it, but he said I had to stay with Darren. He’s been drinking and wouldn’t be able to take care of him.”

“He knew you were going out, and he still decided to go out drinking, stranding you?” Nicole clarified.

“Pretty much. I’m so sorry. I don’t think he understood how important this was to me. I didn’t tell him how we knew each other when we talked about it. I just said I wanted the truck to drive in and see a friend. He told me I could do it another time.”

“I thought you said you never go out?”

“I don’t. I haven’t been out on my own since before Darren was born.”

“Waves.” Gone was every ounce of disappointment. Nicole quickly tried to think of ways to salvage the night. “What if I drive out there. I have a car, I could pick you up. You and Darren. I want to meet him too.”

“I don’t want to make you do that. It’s too far and you’ve had a long day.”

“Waverly, I really want to see you, if I can. I’m willing to meet you out there.”

“Thanks, but you don’t need to do that.”

“I want to. Have you eaten?” Nicole asked, changing the subject. 

“Not yet, I thought I was going to be eating with you.”

“Well that’s it. You have to eat. I’m coming out there.”

“Nicole.” Waverly started.

“I’m serious. Where do you like to eat around your home?”

“Really?” Waverly asked.

“Really. If you don’t pick, I will.” Nicole pushed.

“Ok, but I’ll meet you there. You don’t have to pick us up. I’ll get a cab.”

“Fine. Where do you like to eat?” Nicole asked.

“Well, there’s an Applebee’s really close. That’s where we normally go out to dinner.”

Nicole swallowed down a disappointed: Applebee’s? “Fine, Applebee’s it is. Email me the address and I’ll start driving over.”

“Thanks, Nicole.” Her voice sounded a little lighter.

“Sure thing. I’ll see you there.”

 

When she pulled into the Applebee’s parking lot, she saw that the tiny strip mall was surrounded by several large apartment buildings. Nicole was surprised to see so many apartment complexes so far outside the city. She pulled into a parking space around back of the building and wondered if Waverly was already there, this time waiting for her to show up. 

She straightened out her clothes before walking around the building to the front entrance. A classic rock song was seeping out of the front doors. A greeter was standing at the door to open it for guests.

He had an enormous smile plastered across his face, and a few enamel pins lined up along his collar. This made Nicole laugh as she thought about the movie “Office Space.”

“Hi!” He greeted her. “Welcome to Applebee’s, how many in your party?”

“I’m meeting a friend with a young child, I’m hoping they’re here already.” Nicole answered.

He scrunched up his face in concentration. “I’m not sure, but feel free to look around.” His plastic smile returned.

Nicole swallowed down her apprehension as she walked into the restaurant. She scanned the sea of heads sitting around the tables and walked back around to the section that was out of view. 

In the far corner, Nicole spotted Waverly. She was distracted by a squirming child, and hadn’t noticed her. The sight of her stopped Nicole dead in her tracks. She just stared for a moment, trying to jump start her thoughts. There she was. Just as beautiful. She was older, for sure, and she looked tired or frustrated. She was practically wrestling with Darren to get him in a high chair placed at the end of the two-person booth. Her hair was swinging free. Before Darren had a chance to reach out and grab onto it in anger, she reached around to pull it all over her other shoulder. Darren whined out and arched his back stiffly as Waverly tried to get his legs in the seat openings.

Nicole walked up to Waverly’s side. “Can I help you?”

Waverly startled. “Oh my God, Nicole. You scared me.” She picked up the writhing baby, and held him to her side. “I’m sorry. This is not much of a first impression.” She looked down at her son who let out a screech. “DARREN!” Then she shushed him. “Sorry.” She grimaced. “This is Darren. He’s really fussy right now, it’s pretty close to his bedtime.”

Nicole smiled at her. She still couldn’t believe that she was standing in front of Waverly Earp… Hardy. “Don’t worry about it. He’s just being a toddler, from what I hear.” She reached out a finger to Darren, who grabbed it and quickly shoved it in his mouth. Waverly rolled her eyes and pulled Nicole’s finger out of his mouth. 

“Careful, he can bite.” She said, before stepping back to sit down with Darren in her arms on one side of the booth. She sat half off the bench because next to her was a child car seat. It took up more than half of the bench. 

“Do you want me to put the car seat on my side, so you have more room?” Nicole offered. 

“No, it’s ok. I’m used to it.” Waverly sounded really tired. Darren continued to squirm in her arms. She pushed all the silverware out of his reach. 

Just then their waiter approached the table. “Hi, how can I get you started tonight?” 

Darren flopped back, hitting his head on the padded seat back. He let out another frustrated screech, pushing away from his mom. 

“Why don’t I put that car seat on the next table. We won’t be using it.” The waiter reached out to take the car seat and placed it on the table behind them. He then handed Waverly a couple drawing sheets and a handful of crayons.

Nicole had to give credit to the Applebee’s waitstaff, they knew how to help out with kids. This was probably why Waverly suggested it, she reasoned. It couldn’t be for the vegan menu.

“Would the little guy want any water or milk to drink?” He asked.

Waverly smiled up at him. “Milk, please. In a cup with a lid.” 

“Sure thing. Can I get something for either one of you.” He looked back and forth between Nicole and Waverly. “A beer maybe, or something stronger?” 

“Just some water, please.” Waverly replied. 

“I’ll take a coke.” 

“Is Pepsi ok?”

Nicole nodded her head and looked across the table at Waverly. Darren was momentarily occupied by the crayons, and had settled into her lap.

“I’m glad you were still able to come out.” Nicole started. 

Waverly glanced up from Darren’s drawing. She looked worn out. “I’m sorry about tonight. I really am. This isn’t what either one of us wanted.” Her eyes drifted back down to Darren’s drawing. His crayon was running off the side of the paper and Waverly quickly shifted the paper to keep it under the crayon. 

“No, this is fine. I’m just glad to see you, and meet Darren.” Nicole tried to sound super excited.

Waverly gave out a half hearted laugh. “I’m sure this is what you wanted to do tonight. Hang out with an over-tired baby and his frazzled mom.”

“Waves.” Nicole reached out and placed her palm on Waverly’s free hand. “I really am glad to see you. Fussy baby and all.” 

Waverly’s smile shifted from bemused to genuine. “Thanks. But I don’t know how long we can stay. He’ll start to melt down if I don’t get him to bed soon.”

Nicole pulled her hand back. “You still need to eat, though.”

“I know. Maybe I’ll get something to go. I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything.”

Nicole wasn’t sure what to say. The night was unraveling faster than she thought. She assumed that as soon as Waverly saw her, they’d have this instant connection and it would be like old times. But the truth was, Waverly was a mom now, and Nicole had a long drive back to the city and an early morning flight home. 

Nicole tried to hide her discouragement. “I understand. The world seems to be working against us.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds, Waverly watching Darren, Nicole looking around the dining room.

Darren began squirming again in Waverly’s arms. 

Over the speakers a new song came on; it was Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing.” Divine inspiration zapped Nicole in the ass, and she jumped up. 

“May I have this dance, Sir?” She held out her hands to Darren. He turned his attention to Nicole, dropping his crayon on the table, and reached out to let Nicole pick him up. 

“What?” Waverly started to ask, as Nicole took the toddler into her arms. She bounced and sang along with the song.

“I believe in miracles,  
Where’re you from,  
You sexy thing?”

Nicole smiled at Darren, who started giggling in her arms. She was surprised by how heavy he was. Waverly made it look effortless.

“I believe in miracles  
Since you came along  
You sexy thing.”

Nicole stepped back from the table to dance in a slow circle. A few of the other patrons turned to watch and laughed along with her. 

“Where did you come from, baby?  
How did you know I needed you?”

Nicole gently poked Darren’s nose and he squealed in delight. Nicole took this to be a good sign and began singing in earnest.

“How did you know I needed you so badly?  
How did you know I’d give my heart gladly?”

Darren grabbed Nicole’s chin and pushed up to close her mouth as he giggled out loud. Nicole continued to dance and hum along. 

She stole a quick glance over Darren’s shoulder to see Waverly sitting with her hands covering her face. Nicole suddenly worried that she had overstepped, then Waverly looked up with the biggest smile and her cheeks flushed red. She slowly shook her head as she laughed at the two of them dancing.

Nicole continued her performance.

“Where did you come from, angel?” Nicole winked at Waverly, who quickly looked away.  
“How did you know I’d be the one?  
Did you know, you’re everything I prayed for?  
Did you know, every night and day for?”

At this point Darren wrapped his chubby little fingers around Nicole’s lips pressing them closed, and leaned in to blow a very wet raspberry against Nicole’s mouth.

“Ok, you two.” Waverly chimed in, still shaking her head. She laughed and turned in the bench seat to face them. “Stop hitting on my son.” She chided lightly. 

Nicole pulled away from Darren’s grasp and laughed, trying to wipe the baby spit from her lips. 

She sat down with Darren still in her arms, and he immediately tried to grab her utensils. Waverly, faster than Darren, swooped down and grabbed the contraband out of his reach. She shoved the paper and crayons in Nicole’s direction.

“He’s heavier than I thought he would be.” Nicole said, settling into the seat with Darren.

“I know, he’s quite the chunky monkey. I told you he’s growing like a little wildflower.”

Nicole laughed. “I believe it.” 

The waiter walked up with their drinks and Darren grabbed his milk.

“You better keep a hand on that, unless you want to wear it in a minute.” Waverly said, pointing at the plastic cup in Darren’s hand.

The waiter asked if they wanted anything to eat.

Waverly ordered a grilled chicken Caesar salad, and Nicole looked at her surprised.

“You aren’t vegan anymore?”

“No, not for a while.” She sounded wistful. 

“What happened?” Nicole asked, quickly looking over the menu.

“Nothing really. Champ isn’t vegan and it isn’t good for babies to be vegan, or nursing moms for that matter. So it just kind of happened.”

Nicole ordered a chicken Alfredo and handed off her menu to the waiter.

“I didn’t know that babies can’t be vegan.” Nicole looked down at Darren, and brushed some hair from his forehead. She leaned down and sniffed his head. “God. He even smells cute.”

“You think that smells nice, you should have smelled him when he was a newborn. Ugh, that is the best. Even his poop didn’t stink.” Waverly smiled, looking off into the distance.

Nicole turned Darren around in her lap to partially face her. “Your poop didn’t stink?” She asked the toddler with a comically frowny face. He babbled delightedly. “So are you going back to vegan when he gets a little older?” Nicole asked.

“I don’t know. With Champ, it’s easier. That way I’m only cooking one meal, instead of two.”

“Why didn’t Champ go vegan with you?” 

Waverly let out a sharp laugh. “There’s no way Champ would ever give up meat. I swear he’s addicted to it. For me, I try to only eat chicken or fish. But every now and then, Champ wants a steak.” She raised her hands in question. “How can I argue with that?”

Nicole shrugged and bit back several arguments that came to the top of her mind, most notably because he should love you and want to support you.

When the waiter came back with their meals, Darren started to become fussy again. They quickly ate their meals. Waverly said she would try to nurse Darren, to see if he’d fall asleep in the car seat, Nicole decided to give them some privacy and headed back to the bathroom.

When she returned, Darren was fast asleep and Waverly had a to-go bag for her remaining meal. 

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to take your leftovers, so I had him package it up for you.” She held up a small plastic bag. “I should probably call a cab and head back, get this one to bed.” She brushed her fingers through Darren’s light brown hair.

“I can drive you. You don’t need to call a cab, Waves.”

“Are you sure? We’ll have to put his car seat into your rental.”

“I don’t see why that would be a problem. I have a four door sedan.”

“Really? That would be great.”

The waiter returned holding the check and looked between Waverly and Nicole.

“I’ll take it.” Nicole held out her hand.

The waiter handed the check to her as Waverly protested. “Nicole, you’re a student. I should get this.”

“Waverly, let me. I’m just glad we got together.”

“But you had to drive all the way out here. Please let me get this.”

“How about we share, split it 50/50.” Nicole offered. Waverly smiled at the compromise.

 

After the bill was paid, Waverly carried Darren and Nicole carried Waverly’s giant diaper bag out to her car. She had a sedan, but it was tiny one. 

“So how do we put that thing in?” Nicole asked, unlocking the doors and indicating the car seat.

“It’s probably easier if I do it.”

“It’s ok, If you tell me how to do it, I’m sure I can manage. I’m pretty handy.” Nicole grinned and winked.

Waverly looked away laughing. “You are so full of yourself. Fine. There are hooks imbedded in the backseat, that’s the latch system. The base clicks into those that then you have to tighten it down so it doesn’t move around.” She looked over at Nicole as she set the car seat down on the pavement next to the car. She bent down to release the base from the seat. Waverly lifted Darren’s seat with the still sleeping baby in it. “There’s the base. Those two clips snap into the hooks.”

Nicole opened her passenger side rear door. She felt along the edge of the seat and her fingers brushed along the metal loops. “I think I found the hooks.” She stood up and faced Waverly with a proud smile.

She handed the base over to Nicole with a pursed smirk. “Ok, let’s see these hands in action. You’ll want to loosen the strap first to snap it in, then tighten it down.”

Nicole nodded and took the base. She loosened the seatbelt-like strap on the base and snapped the ends onto the hooks. All that was left was tightening down the strap. She pressed her hand down into the middle of the base and pushed down sharply as she tugged on the end of the strap. When she snapped the locking mechanism shut she gave the seat a satisfied tug, only to feel it wobble.

“Oh.” She said disappointed. “Hold on, I can get it tighter than that.”

“I hope so.” Waverly folded her arms across her chest and continued to smirk.

Nicole pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded. “I deserved that.”

Waverly laughed at her lightly. “Try pressing down on the base with your knee as you tighten the strap. That’s how I do it.” 

Nicole pulled off her suit jacket and set it down folded on the front seat.

She was starting to unbutton her cuffs when Waverly added, “And if you move the front seat all the way forward, you’ll have more room.”

Nicole shifted the seat forward, after rolling up her sleeves, and climbed into the backseat. She stared down the base with a scowl. She could do this, she thought. 

Nicole shifted up her suit pant leg to give herself more room, then pressed her knee into the middle of the base. One of the plastic edges bit into her knee. “Ow!” She lifted her knee back out and looked down into the base. “Where are you supposed to put your knee?”

Waverly giggled. “Right there in the middle.”

“And you do this all the time?”

“Yep,” Waverly gave Nicole a self-satisfied smile. “Give up?”

“Nope.” Nicole steeled herself. If Waverly could do this, then so could she. She grimaced as she put her knee back down into the base and pressed down with all her weight. She jerked up sharply on the strap to get it as tight as possible. Once it was locked in place, she stepped back and gave the base another tug. It still wobbled, just a little less than before.

“Fuck!” Nicole said sharply, then immediately clamped her hands over her mouth in horror, looking down at Darren. “I’m sorry.” She said through her fingers and glanced up at Waverly, who snorted with laughter.

“Don’t worry, Champ swears in front of him all the time. He’s a baby.” She waved her hand at the still visibly shaken Nicole. “Here, do you want me to do it?”

Nicole nodded and stepped out of the car. She didn’t trust herself to speak at the moment. 

Waverly climbed into the backseat, she put her knee down into the middle of the base. Then jumped up and allowed her weight to slam down into the base as she pulled up on the strap in one fluid motion. When she climbed out of the car, Nicole gave the base a tug and it was like it was soldered into the car. It didn’t budge. 

Waverly bent down to pick up Darren in the car seat. She snapped it into the base and turned to Nicole. “That’s how you do it.”

Nicole just looked at her mesmerized. “How… How?”

Waverly laughed and patted Nicole on her arm. “I’ve been doing this for over a year.”

“How do you still have knees left?”

Waverly giggled. “I’m not sure.”

 

Nicole pulled into a spot in the parking lot of the apartment building. She cut the engine and turned to face Waverly. She was glowing in the beam of the street lights streaming in through the windshield. The outer edge of the curls in her brown hair were highlighted blonde and her eyes appeared darker than usual. Somehow her face had soften in the low light and Nicole finally saw the Waverly she used to know from Hope. She was smiling gently up at her, and Nicole almost lost her breath.

Every cell in her body was screaming at her to lean over and kiss Waverly. 

Instead, she swallowed down her feelings and coughed lightly into her hand.

“You look great, you know. I mean, in your suit. Very professional. God, listen to me; I didn’t even ask how your interview went. You must think I’m the worst.”

“Waves, you’re fine. The interview went well.” Nicole spoke softly, worried about waking up Darren.

“That’s great, Nicole. I’m really proud of you.” Waverly paused and looked out her passenger side window. “It’s weird seeing you again. It’s like seeing a ghost or something. When we started talking on the phone, it felt like I was talking to my memories, like I was having this conversation in my head… But seeing you again…. It’s so strange. I never thought I’d miss Hope. But this kinda makes me feel all nostalgic.” She turned in her seat to partly face Nicole. “You must think I’m really crazy to miss that place.” She laughed at herself lightly.

“Not really. There are things I miss about it, too. The friendships I made.” Nicole carefully watched Waverly’s face. She nodded and looked away.

“Well, I should probably get inside before Champ gets home.” Waverly said, then blew out a slow breath of air. 

Nicole studied her, as if this might be the last time she saw her. She didn’t trust her voice.

Waverly glanced back and gave Nicole’s hand a quick squeeze. “Thanks. For everything.” She gave her another warm smile, then opened the car door. Nicole watched as she gathered her things, and then opened the back door where Darren was strapped in. 

Nicole pushed open her door and jumped out. She ran around the side of the car to help Waverly. Once the car seat was out, Nicole climbed in to unlatch the base. She snapped it onto the bottom of the car seat and gently closed the door so as to not wake Darren. 

“Thanks.” Waverly said, then looked around the parking lot. 

“Yeah. I should probably head back. Early flight tomorrow.” Nicole pointed her thumb over her shoulder. 

“Yeah.”

Nicole looked down at her, the quiet seconds slipped by. She really didn’t want to say goodbye.

Waverly then drew in and let out a deep breath as she stepped up onto the sidewalk, and that was Nicole’s signal. She raised her hand in a slight wave, and turned to walk around her car.

“Nicole.”

She looked back at Waverly, who had set Darren and her bag down. Waverly walked up and threw her arms around Nicole’s neck, embracing her tightly. 

“I’ve missed you.” Waverly spoke over her shoulder.

Nicole’s arms found their way instinctively around Waverly’s back and pulled her in. “I’ve missed you, too.” She whispered to the night. Then the arms loosened from her neck and Waverly pulled away. She flashed a last smile, then picked up her bag and Darren and walked into the building. 

Nicole watched until she disappeared from view, the cool night air tickling her nose and stinging her eyes.

 

When she got back into her hotel room, Nicole called X. She felt like her whole body was thrumming with nervous energy. 

“How did it go?” X asked without saying hi. His voice was a comforting hug.

And the curtain fell away from Nicole’s emotions. Tears spilled down. 

X waited patiently on the other end of the line.

“Sorry.” Her voice sounded rough.

“What happened?”

Nicole paused. She considered what she wanted to say, then reconsidered, then settled for the truth.

“I think I love her.”

She heard X breathe out a soft “oh boy.”

 

 

 

1993:  
That night, Nicole could hardly sleep. The mixed emotional bag of Waverly touching her hand and knowing that she was expected to wear a dress in the morning kept her mind reeling well into the night. She closed her eyes and secretly wished that the morning would never arrive. It was too much.

But the morning did arrive. Nicole was roused awake by Waverly gently pushing her on shoulder. 

“Hey, wake up. I want to have time to help get you ready.” Waverly’s voice washed over her. Nicole broke through the surface of her dream, losing it the instant she left it behind. But she was sure it was pleasant. And smelled like strawberries.

With the morning crashing down around her, Nicole kept her eyes closed a little longer. She lifted her arm and slung it over her eyes when Waverly turned on the overhead light. 

“Come on, sleepyhead.” Nicole heard Waverly call out. 

She grumbled and groaned, turning her back to the light and pulling the covers as high over her head as they would stretch. 

“Nicole.” 

That time, Waverly’s voice was right at her ear. Nicole felt herself blush and her ear start to burn. 

“What.” She said through the blanket.

“Time to get up. I want you to take a shower so I can make you up for the day.”

“Huh?” Nicole rolled onto her back and opened one eye to look up at Waverly standing over her.

“I want to make you over. You remember, right? We’re going for level 3 so we can go to the movie on Friday. You’re wearing your dress and I’m staying calm around Wynonna.” She pushed down on Nicole’s shoulder through the blanket. “Come on.”

“You were serious about the makeover?”

“Of course. This is my plan: the staff sees you super girly and I’ll be super calm all day, then we’ll make level 3 and can go to the movie. You’ll get your Walkman, remember?” Waverly sat down on the edge of the bed, and Nicole shuffled over to give her more room. “You promised last night. Please?” She begged.

A muffled “fine” rose up from the blankets. Nicole closed her eyes and said a silent prayer that she would survive the day.

 

Nicole stood at her dresser. The bottom drawer stood open at her feet. Waverly was out taking her shower and this was the best time for Nicole to get dressed.

She stared down into the drawer. The dress and skirt with sweater were both wadded up in the back. She kept staring into the drawer, wishing she’d see anything but those clothes sitting there like giant turds across the rest of her clothing. 

She stooped down when she heard Waverly’s voice out on the unit again. Nicole knew that Waverly would be walking back into their room at any moment, expecting her to be ready for a makeover. Nicole couldn’t imagine anything worse than that, except possibly walking out of the bedroom door and having to face everyone else on the unit. The only slight comfort she took was that Susan would be off that day and at minimum, she wouldn’t have to listen to her nurse.

Waverly’s voice was getting closer to the room. 

Nicole reached down and pulled out the pastel skirt. She closed her eyes and tossed it on her bed, then reached in and by sense of feel, found the matching sweater. 

She heard Waverly open the bedroom door. “Wait, you’re still in your pjs?” She asked.

Nicole looked up to see Waverly walking over to her. She let out a deep sigh. 

“Hey, you can do this. It’s just a dress...”

“Skirt.”

“It’s just a skirt. You’re stronger than it.”

This made Nicole laugh, the thought of having to best the pieces of clothing, wrestle them to the ground and conquer them. 

“You can do it.” 

“What are you, a Nike ad?” Nicole asked.

“Maybe, if that’s what it takes to get you dressed.”

Nicole slowly stood and sat down next to the clothes on her bed. 

“I’m giving you five minutes and then I’m dressing you myself.” Waverly walked back out of the room, and Nicole chuckled. Maybe she should wait her out and call her bluff, she thought.

But she didn’t. Nicole pulled on the sweater like she was rolling hot oil down her back and slipped on the skirt like it was covered in red ants. 

When Waverly came back in, Nicole was sitting miserably on her bed. Her shoulders were hunched over and she had her arms wrapped across her chest. 

Waverly stood in front of her. Nicole wondered what she was about to say. She was probably going to say something making fun of her. She could feel it in the silence between them. 

“Hey, you ok?” Waverly’s voice was soft. 

Nicole closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Thank you for doing this.” Waverly said, and Nicole looked up at her. She wore a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry it’s so bad.”

Nicole silently nodded her head. 

“Are you sure you want to do this. I mean, we can find another way to make level 3.”

“There is no other way.” Nicole groaned. 

Waverly sat down opposite her and placed a hand on her knee. “I didn’t realize how bad it would be.” 

It was Waverly’s sympathy that steeled Nicole. She couldn’t let down the girl sitting across from her. Waverly wanted to give her a makeover, then by god, Nicole would have a makeover. They would make stupid level 3 and see this stupid movie. 

She sat up in her bed and faced Waverly fully. “It’s just clothes. And it’s just for the morning.”

The smile that broke out across Waverly’s face caused Nicole to smile as well, or at least half smile. 

“So I can do the makeover?” Waverly asked.

“Why not, if I’m doing this, lets do it all the way.” Nicole groaned out.

Waverly jumped up and grabbed her makeup kit. She tossed it down onto the bed next to Nicole. 

“Ok, I want you to just close your eyes and I’ll do the rest.” Waverly stepped up in front of her. “Don’t worry, I promise I’ll make it look nice. And if you hate it, you can wash it off. Is that ok?

“Sure.” She felt her cheeks grow uncomfortably warm as she closed her eyes. Waverly was leaning in close to her face. Nicole could smell the strawberries on her. She felt the gentle brush of her breath on her forehead. 

“Ok, I’m going to start with a powder base.” Waverly’s voice was soft. Nicole felt a pad dab at her nose. It began to hop across her cheek until it reached her jawline. The sensation of the pad, combined with Waverly’s scent and voice, caused her skin tighten, but not unpleasantly. The proximity to Waverly made her stomach flip, but not in an “I’m-going-to-throw-up” way. It made a soft jump. 

Waverly put her hand on the side of Nicole’s face, her thumb resting on her cheek. The fingers were impossibly soft and smooth, if cool against the burning of her cheeks. Nicole tried to remain as still as possible, afraid that if she moved, Waverly would remove her hand. The longer the fingers remained, the warmer they felt, and tiny micro-movements served only to distract Nicole from the reason they were there in the first place. 

Nicole monetarily disappeared into the softness of those fingers, the sureness with which they held her cheek. Nicole felt the thumb run absently across the length of her chin as she moved the hand to pat down the other cheek with powder. 

“Keep your eyes closed, I’m going to do them next.” Waverly’s voice washed over her.

Nicole found herself more than happy to sit there forever. If this was Waverly’s idea of a makeover, it wasn’t so bad. She felt a little bad at how much she enjoyed having Waverly’s attention directed on her.

“Put your legs together, I want to sit on your knees so I can see your eyes up close.”

Nicole couldn’t help smiling. She pressed her knees close and Waverly stepped up, straddling them. She sat down gently on the ends just above her knees. 

“That’s better. Thanks. It was getting awkward stooping down. Good thing you have long legs, right? They make the perfect bench for this.”

Nicole didn’t say anything in return, but internally agreed wholeheartedly. 

Waverly lifted her chin and again the softness of those fingertips caused a chill to run down Nicole back. 

“Hold your head here. I’m going to start your eyes.” She leaned over to pick out something from her makeup bag and brushed up against Nicole’s shoulder, her hair tickling Nicole’s neck. 

This isn’t fair, Nicole thought. Does she have any clue what she’s doing to me? Nicole felt her heart picking up its pace, and her palms started to sweat. She placed her hands palm down on the bed to give the perspiration someplace to go. 

“Look up at the ceiling.”

Nicole felt Waverly lean in, and place her hand on one side of her mouth holding her in place. She was close enough that Nicole could sit forward and kiss her. Not that she was thinking about that. She was actively trying not to think about that. She felt a pencil tip trace the outside edge of her bottom eyelid. Nicole flinched reflexively.

“Try no to blink.”

“Sorry.” Nicole’s voice sounded rough. She cleared her throat and swallowed.

“Hold still. This is important.”

“I’ve never done this before.”

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you, silly.” Waverly giggled. “I want to do it right for your first time.”

Nicole laughed.

“Quit laughing. You’re messing up my line.”

“You made that sound dirty.”

Waverly shushed her. “No more talking.” Nicole felt her lean in closer. With her eyes trained on the ceiling, it felt like Waverly was only inches from her mouth. Her breath breaking like a soft wave over Nicole’s lips. She felt a burn growing deep within her gut, sliding deeper, almost painful. She wanted to shift in her seat, but she knew Waverly would say something, or at the very least, pull away. Nicole’s breath felt like it wasn’t enough, she felt like she needed a deep lungful of air. She gripped the edge of the mattress hard in her hands. 

“Now close your eyes. I’m going to put on mascara and eye shadow.”

Nicole closed her eyes, thankful for the sliver of separation. The privacy behind her eyes gave Nicole a little space in which to process what was going on. She felt the soft pull of a brush across her eye lid. Her body was acting with a mind of its own. Every touch created a reaction in Nicole that she was helpless to stop. All of her senses were on high alert. The smell of the makeup combined with the strawberry of Waverly’s hair, the mint of her breath, the soft touches, the lingering fingertips, the sound of her voice so close. It was overwhelming and spellbinding. She was transported away on a whirlwind of Waverly. 

“There. Open your eyes, and lets see.”

Nicole slowly opened her eyes, a little sad to leave the cocoon of Waverly’s attention. She looked directly into Waverly’s eyes. She wasn’t sure what she’d find there, laughter or possibly pride. Nicole wasn’t even sure what she wanted to see there. 

She wanted Waverly to feel like she did a good job, but she also knew that makeup wasn’t a magic eraser wiping away who Nicole was in the first place. 

She searched Waverly’s eyes for some kind of validation that this was worth it. 

In return, Nicole saw concern. Or a questioning look. Nicole wasn’t sure.

“Huh.” Waverly huffed out. She sat back on Nicole’s knee and studied her work, then winced a little. “You don’t look like yourself.” 

Nicole furrowed her brows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, normally when I put on makeup it just enhances me. I still look like me, only better. Prettier.” Waverly put her hand to her chin and shook her head. “But you don’t look like you. You look like…”

Nicole held on for Waverly’s answer.

“You don’t look like yourself.” She completed. “Hold on.” Then she rose from Nicole’s legs and walked out of their room.

From the living area, she heard Waverly ask for a clean wash cloth.

“I’m almost done, but I need to correct something.” Waverly said.

“It’s just about time for school, so you both need to get moving.” Nicole heard Steve reply. 

“Got it, I’m almost done.” And then Waverly walked back into their room. She held a damp washcloth in her hand.

“I’m going to take some of this off. I think it’s just too much.” She sat back down on Nicole’s knees like she belonged there. “We should go for a more natural look. Besides, this is just for show, not like you need a face full of makeup to make the point.”

Nicole nodded before Waverly began wiping away her makeup. She brought her hand up to brace against the side of Nicole’s face. Nicole closed her eyes and let Waverly take care of her.

Waverly touched up the eye liner, but left off the powder and blush, as well as the eye shadow. She wiped off most of the mascara before reapplying it lighter. The last step was a lip color.

Waverly laid out a selection of lipsticks. She opened several at random, then discarded them back into her bag. 

“I want something light, something that will blend in with your lip color better.” She opened up a frosted pink lipstick, shook her head and tossed it back in the bag. 

“I have some cherry chapstick. Would that work?” Nicole offered.

“That doesn’t really give you a color, but I bet that will be better than anything I have. I have mostly reds and light pinks.” She climbed off of Nicole’s lap, so she could stand. When Nicole stretched out in front of Waverly, the girl giggled again.

“What?” Nicole asked.

“What shoes are you wearing with it?” 

Nicole looked down at her feet. She had on her black soccer shoes. They were the only pair she had in the hospital. 

“These.” Nicole looked back up.

Waverly hid a laugh behind her hands. Her eyes were crinkled up into half moons. 

She dropped her hands and continued to laugh. “I don’t know why, but it’s cute, in a lost puppy dog sort of way.”

Nicole felt herself laugh along with Waverly. She didn’t know why it was funny, but she was absolutely positive it had nothing to do with Waverly calling her cute.

 

When they were ready for her big reveal, all the good feelings she shared with Waverly vanished in an instant. Secretly she wished the staff wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but that wasn’t the case. Steve wanted a presentation of the “new Nicole.” 

She sat on her bed as Steve gathered everyone from A wing into the living area and the dread began building in earnest. 

Nicole picked at a hangnail, pulling it back to the point of bleeding, before biting it off. She rolled the flap of skin between her front teeth trying to ignore what was happening out on the unit. She studied the way the blood slowly seeped up from the newly exposed skin. Again, she knew it would hurt later, but right then she felt nothing. The pink skin was moist and very sensitive without being painful. She ran a finger over it focusing on the difference in sensation between the new and old skin. There were only two tiny pinpoints of blood seeping up, and as she wiped it off, she watched the droplets slowly fill like two microscopic balloons. 

Waverly placed a hand on her shoulder, and Nicole jerked back.

“Hey. You ready?” The question was sincere. Her forehead was scrunched together with worry. She wasn’t telling Nicole it was time to go, she was genuinely asking if she wanted to do this at all.

The war going on in her head, the battle raging in her stomach, suddenly subsided. Waverly’s soft eyes and gentle touch made the humiliation 100% worth it. It was in that moment that Nicole realized she would be willing to do anything to see a smile on her face.

Nicole nodded her head, and Waverly smiled again. She held out her hand to Nicole, who took it in a heartbeat. The soft embrace of Waverly’s fingers filled her with courage. 

 

Waverly walked out of the bedroom with Nicole. The living room was half filled with kids and Steve was standing by the wing door. He wore an excited smile and actually pumped a fist in the air yelling “Yeah” when Nicole emerged. Her stomach quickly clenched back down. Most of the kids were smiling at her, but it was hard to tell what they were thinking. Nicole was sure it was something like: what the ever-loving fuck is that?

“Wow!” Steve said looking around the room. “Doesn’t Nicole look great?” He tried to cajole a few other positive responses out of the kids. 

Wynonna frowned and said, “No.”

“Wynonna, lets be supportive. This is hard for her.”

“What? She looks like Rainbow Brite’s deranged cousin.” 

Nicole snorted out a loud laugh. 

Sean jumped in, “No she doesn’t; she looks fine.” He was looking Nicole up and down.

“Shut up, loser.” Wynonna wheeled around on Sean.

“Why don’t you make me, freak.”

Wynonna’s whole body went rigid. Her fists were balled at her sides and her clenched jaw muscles popped. She was standing perfectly still, staring daggers at Sean while he laughed. 

Nicole stepped in right next to Waverly who was almost as stiff as Wynonna. She slipped her hand in Waverly’s and pressed a finger into the center of her palm. Waverly clasped onto Nicole’s hand. 

Steve moved in next to Wynonna. Her hands were visibly shaking.

Nicole’s chest rose and fell.

Steve lifted his hand then placed it on Wynonna’s shoulder.

And the fuse finally ran out on the bomb.

 

As Wynonna screamed and lashed out at Steve, Nicole wrapped her arm around Waverly’s shoulder, pulling her into a hug so she wouldn’t have to watch. Nicole clamped her eyes shut, but that did nothing to block out the sound. She held the back of Waverly’s head to keep her tight against her body. Waverly gripped Nicole’s sides in her hands. 

When she heard them carry Wynonna off, Nicole chanced to open her eyes. The room was frozen in stunned silence. Rosita and the others staff were crowding the kids into a corner of the room. As the dust started to settle, Rosita walked up to Nicole, who still held Waverly tight against her. 

“I think it’s over.”

Nicole looked into Rosita’s soft brown eyes. 

“It’s ok. She’s going to be ok.” Rosita’s confidence began melting through Nicole’s panic. “Is Waverly ok?” 

Nicole glanced down at the small woman wrapped up in her arms. Waverly wasn’t trying to move away, so Nicole had no intention of letting her go. 

“You did a good job of keeping her calm.” Rosita said, and Nicole looked back up at her. She wasn’t mad about the hug. In fact, she was smiling at Nicole. “I need you to let her go, though. It’s a stupid rule: no touching, but it’s there for everyone’s safety.” 

Nicole nodded and relaxed her grip on Waverly. Her heart jumped when Waverly didn’t immediately let go of her. 

“Sometimes, we just need a hug, right?” Rosita asked the two girls gently, rubbing Waverly’s back. Nicole felt Waverly’s chest jump as she took in a staggered breath, and she leaned into Waverly’s clenched embrace. 

Then Waverly dropped her hands, wiped her nose and walked off to the bedroom without looking up. 

Rosita stood next to Nicole for a moment longer. “You really did a good job. I think maybe we were right about the two of you.” She gave Nicole’s upper arm a quick squeeze. “Why don’t you go off to school. I’ll look after Waverly.” She said before walking into the bedroom.

 

As she walked over to the classroom, Nicole could feel the skirt ticking the back of her legs. It felt like everyone could see up her butt and her legs felt freezing cold. Her stomach was clenched so tight, she was sure she’d never be able to eat. The sweater was itchy and restrictive. She took small steps as she walked so the skirt wouldn’t ride up anywhere, and she pulled the bottom hem of the sweater down over her waist. Everything felt off, everything was wrong.

Steve was walking back from the CDR when Nicole ran into X outside the classroom. X scowled and said, “You look better in jeans.”

“No, she doesn’t.” Steve corrected him.

“Sure she does. Look at her. Does she look comfortable to you?” X asked.

“I bet she won’t even notice that she’s wearing it after an hour.”

“I still like you better in jeans.” X turned to her.

Steve cut in, “I need you to be supportive of Nicole.”

“I am.”

 

When she walked into the classroom, Mr. Freedland greeted Nicole with a compliment about her clothes. She pulled at the skirt and looked down as she shuffled to her seat. She wanted to throw up. Dan made a point of approaching her at her desk to tell her how much he liked seeing her in the skirt. Nicole frowned down at her textbook. Two other staff member also walked over to her desk to tell her how much they liked her skirt. Nicole was pretty sure one of them hadn’t even seen her in the skirt since it was mostly hidden under her desk. 

She shifted from one thigh to the other, her legs clamped together in case she forgot and spread her legs like she normally sat. She wanted to bounce a knee, but with her legs together she couldn’t. She bounced both together but that felt weird. She tried crossing her legs, but the desk was too short for her to fit one leg over the other. She pulled at the ends of the skirt to make sure her legs weren’t showing too much. 

By the end of the first hour, Nicole had managed to read one page in her history textbook. But every staff person had found a time to come over to her desk to tell her how nice she looked that day. She started to suspect that they had a schedule for giving her compliments, as if that would make this any better. The fake compliments sat like bitter stones in her stomach, it just made everything worse. 

When Waverly rejoined the class, Mr. Freedland paired her up with Jeremy to go over her biology project. The two sat on a couch behind her. Nicole couldn’t help but try to listen in on their conversation. It made her mad, she was the one who thought of working with Waverly. Why did Jeremy get to sit with her now. The two of them sounded really excited. In fact the staff had to remind them to keep the noise down on a few occasions because they were both getting so excited about the project. 

Nicole stared at the page in her textbook. It was like the words were playing hide a seek. She couldn’t concentrate long enough to sort them out. The sweater touched her in all the wrong places and her knees were freezing. The happy flower stitched across her chest made her want to scream.

When Rosita entered the classroom and walked over, Nicole could feel her blood boiling and her skin itching. Rosita was going to fake compliment her just like everyone else.

“Hey, Nicole, I forgot to tell you how nice you looked earlier.”

Nicole let out a strangled cry and threw her pencil on the ground. She pushed herself up from her desk.

“What’s going on?” Rosita said, confused.

“I’m taking a time out.” And she stormed out the room. 

She walked over to the small bench just outside the kitchen and flopped down. When Rosita followed her out, Nicole groaned and folded her arms over her chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rosita asked. She stood before Nicole with her hands on her hips.

“No.”

“Is this because of Wynonna?”

Nicole rolled her eyes. How could these people be so stupid? How could they not see it’s the clothes?

“Well, what is it, then?”

“Can’t I just sit here?”

“No.”

Nicole huffed out a deep breath.

“I need you to talk to me.”

“It’s the skirt.” She sat up, her back going rigid. “And this awful sweater.” She pulled at the flower. 

“Is it really that bad?”

“Yes! It’s terrible. I can’t walk right or sit right. I can’t think about anything but this…” She pulled again at her sweater. “This stupid, ugly flower is laughing at me, and you guys are all giving me fake compliments. And that makes it worse.”

Rosita bent down to sit on her haunches. “Do you really think our compliments are fake?” She wore a worried expression.

“How could it be anything but fake. It’s like you have a schedule to compliment me,” Nicole held hands up in the air, “Every twenty minutes it’s time to give Nicole a compliment about her skirt. It’s like I’m on a whole new FMI. Five Minute Compliments.”

Rosita chuckled into her hand.

“What’s so funny?” Nicole shot back.

“You’re right. We were asked by Susan to go out of our way to compliment you if you wore your dress today.” A slight blush covered her cheeks. “I’m sorry it sounded so fake. You really do look nice. But you’re right, too many compliments start to sound fake.”

“Can you just not say anything?” Nicole looked down at he ground. “It’s bad enough having to wear it, I don’t want to constantly hear about it, too.”

Rosita held out her palm. “Deal. No more compliments. I’ll talk to staff at lunch.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you feeling better, now?”

“Can I take off the skirt?”

“How about after school.”

“But my legs are cold; I’m freezing.”

“Fine. But leave on the sweater.”

“Fine.” Nicole felt a weight lift off her chest.

“Alright, go change and then I want you back in the classroom doing your work.”

“Thanks.” Nicole popped off the bench and ran back to her room.

 

When she left her room, back in blue jeans, she ran into Wynonna coming back from CDR. 

“Red.” Wynonna greeted her. “How’d you get out of your skirt?”

“I asked.”

Wynonna stopped and looked at her. 

“You just asked?”

“Well, I got mad and complained and then asked.”

Wynonna pursed her lips and nodded. “Good for you. I’ll have to remember that.”

Steve walked up behind Wynonna. 

“I’m going, I’m going.” She shot out behind her, and walked into her room.

“Why’d you take off your skirt, it was so pretty.” Steve said, his voice almost dripping with sincerity.

Nicole gave him a death glare, then walked past him to the classroom, shaking her head.

 

At lunch, Wynonna, Waverly, X and Nicole sat together again. 

“Hey, did you guys hear?” X started, before taking a large bite of his sandwich.

“What’s that?” Asked Waverly. She was spreading a small container of hummus on her bread.

“I made level 3 last night.” His smile was easy.

“That’s great.” Said Nicole. “How long before you get your Walkman back?”

“And you get to go to the movie.” Waverly jumped in, pointing her knife at X.

“I have to make a list of the songs I want, so the staff can make my mix tape, and the staff said they’d let Mary know she can bring in my tape player. I’m hoping I’ll have it by tomorrow.”

“That’s awesome, dude.” Nicole said, opening several packets of mustard to squeeze out on her sandwich. She was secretly hoping she’d spill some of the mustard on her sweater and have an excuse to change out of it. 

Wynonna stayed silent and ignored her sandwich. Nicole tried to keep an eye on her, or at least a side-eye. She wasn’t sure she liked this withdrawn, sullen Wynonna. 

“So Waverly,” Nicole changed the subject. “What were you and Jeremy working on?” She tried to keep her voice as casual as possible.

A big, crinkly eyed smile erupted over Waverly’s face, and Nicole felt her stomach tighten. “He is so cool. He’s really into science and super smart.”

“Nerd.” Wynonna grumbled under her breath.

“Wy, just because someone likes science doesn’t make them a nerd. He’s also really sweet and sensitive. The way he explained the metamorphosis process was like poetry; it almost made me cry.”

“Like I said, nerd.” 

Waverly just shook her head. “Anyway, he’s really nice.” Waverly looked over her shoulder at Jeremy sitting across the room. He was at a table with three other kids, but nobody was talking to him. “I wish he could sit with us.”

“You already looking to replace me with Mr. Bean over there.” Wynonna said snidely. 

Waverly quickly turned to face Wynonna. “No!” She shook her head vehemently. “God no. Wy, how could you say that?”

“I don’t know; you’re already looking for a fourth to fill out your bridge table.”

Waverly looked hurt, but didn’t reply, pushing her food around on her plate. 

“Replace you?” Asked X.

Wynonna looked up at the ceiling and Waverly kept her eyes glued to her hummus sandwich. 

“So, are you and Jeremy going to be working together on the butterfly project in school?” Nicole asked.

“Actually, we weren’t working on the butterfly project. I mean, we started to, but that’s kind of my special project. So we found something different to do. He’s really into chemistry, so we’re thinking about doing something related to that.”

“How do you do chemistry without a lab?” Asked X, as Nicole spoke over him, “Mr. Freedland is letting you work together long term?”

Waverly smiled between the two of them. She pointed at X, “It will be more theory than anything. We’re going to write a paper together, combine science and writing.” Then she pointed at Nicole. “Yes. Mr. Freedland thinks we can push each other. We work well together.”

We worked well together, thought Nicole grumpily. 

 

After lunch, instead of groups, all the kids were brought back into the classroom for another bonding experience. As the kids got settled into their desks, Steve stood up at the front of the classroom to introduce the activity. 

“Ok, we wanted to bring you all together for another unit exercise.” He started.

Wynonna snorted. “Unit exercise.” Steve ignored her comment and pushed on. Wynonna leaned toward X who was sitting in the desk next to her. “How much you wanna bet his unit doesn’t get much exercise.” 

X masked his laugh within a cough. 

“Wynonna, do you have something you’d like to share?” asked Steve, giving her a stern look.

“No sir.” She saluted him.

“Ok. We have a problem for you. We’re going to separate you into groups to work together on coming up with a solution to this problem. The challenge is that each group has to come up with their own solution and present it to the unit.” He clapped his hands and gave the room an excited smile. “Are you ready to go?”

The classroom stayed silent, waiting for Steve to continue.

“Ok. So here’s the problem. There is a ship out at sea that is sinking. There is one life raft, but not everyone can fit in it. Your job is to figure out who gets to go on the lifeboat and who has to stay behind on the sinking ship.”

“Pretty grim exercise.” Said Wynonna. “Are you sure you want to play this game with a bunch of suicidal kids?”

“Actually, this is a great exercise. It helps us see the value in a life. So, yes, Wynonna, we want you to work on this problem.”

Steve and the staff proceeded to split up the room into groups of four. X and Nicole were paired with Jeremy and Ben. 

Once everyone was divided up and the groups were moved into different parts of the room, Steve got back up to finish explaining the problem. 

“Great.” Another clap of his hands. “Ok, let me introduce you to your cast of characters. First we have the captain of the ship, Capt. Jim. Then we have the first mate, Roger. Next is a family with a mother, father and son.”

“What are their names?” Waverly asked.

“It doesn’t matter.” Steve answered. 

“But the other two got names.” She said, confused.

“Ok fine. Do you want to name them?” 

Waverly nodded her head enthusiastically. “The father is Harold, the mother is Chester…”

“But that’s not a girl’s name.” Steve interrupted.

Waverly just waved him off. “And the son is Howie.” 

Wynonna gave her a what-the-fuck look.

“They’re from ‘Bunnicula.’” She said, like it should have been completely obvious. 

“Fine, ok. So there is a family of three on board. Next up is Tom the carpenter, followed by John the doctor, Carol the nurse, and Dave the priest. Last we have Matt and he’s homosexual.”

Hearing the word said out loud by a staff member thrilled and terrified Nicole. She tried not to let her body react to the word, but she saw X look over at her. She stiffened, hoping he wouldn’t say anything to her, hoping he wouldn’t draw attention to her. 

“There are ten people on board your sinking ship. You can only save seven of them. I want you all to work in your groups to come up with your list of people that get to go on the life raft. You’ll need to explain your reasoning behind your decisions, so you can’t just pick at random.” Steve looked straight at Wynonna.

The groups broke apart to start their discussions. Nicole’s group was sitting on a couple couches in the back corner of the room.

Ben was the first to speak. “This is the dumbest thing ever. I can’t believe they think this is important.” The rest of the group nodded. “And I mean, really, a homosexual? Like a homo would be on a stupid boat anyway.”

X gave Ben a confused look. “Why wouldn’t a homosexual be on a boat?”

“I don’t know, wouldn’t they be afraid of the water or something pansy like that?”

“That’s the dumbest thing ever.” X said, waving him off and picking up the group’s clip board. 

Nicole wasn’t sure if Ben had noticed how starkly quiet both she and Jeremy were. 

“Another dumb thing is that they didn’t tell us what Matt does. I mean, maybe he’s a ship builder or something.” Said X.

“Hardly. More like he’s a florist.” Grumbled Ben. 

The Jeremy spoke up. “I agree with X. It’s weird we don’t know what he does.”

X raised his hand. When Steve looked over at their group, he signaled for X to ask his question. 

“We need to know what Matt does, you left that part out.”

“It doesn’t really matter.” Steve said. “It’s not important to this exercise.”

X looked confused, but turned back to the group. 

“See, he’s probably a florist.” Said Ben.

“Why don’t we start with who should definitely make it onto the raft. I’m thinking that the family and the doctor should make it, as well as the captain. What do you think?” Asked Nicole.

“That makes sense. Keep the family together, and then have a doctor on board in case someone gets sick or hurt. And the captain can steer the raft.” Said Jeremy.

“And if we have the doctor on the raft, maybe we leave behind the nurse. We don’t need two medical people, and I think a doctor would be better.” Said X. 

“Dude! You’re going to kill a chick? You’re harsh, man.” Ben leaned back into the couch.

“What?” X held up his hands. “Someone has to stay behind. Would you rather have a doctor or a nurse?” 

“I’d rather not kill the women.” Ben shook his head.

“Hey,” Nicole spoke up, “can we at least agree that the family, the doctor, and the captain make it?” She looked around the group. Everyone nodded. “Fine. That’s five of the seven. Now we just need to come up with two more people to make it.”

“Rather than thinking about who doesn’t make it, maybe we should focus on who does. Who can be useful on the life raft.” Said Jeremy.

“Good idea.” Said X, writing out the names of the people who were to be rescued. “I think the carpenter should be on the boat. That way of something happens to the raft, he can fix it.”

“With what?” Asked Jeremy.

“Right, dude. With what?” Ben snickered. “It’s a fricken raft, not like it’s stocked with supplies.” 

“You never know.” Said X. “And I’d rather have the carpenter than not. Just in case.”

“Fine the carpenter makes it. That makes sense.” Nicole said. “Should we include the priest as the last person? That might be comforting for the people on the raft. They’re going to be super scared, right? Maybe the priest could help make everyone feel better. Help them feel calmer.”

The group silently nodded, considering that. 

“So, is that our group? The family, the captain, the carpenter, and the priest? Who’s the last person?” Asked Nicole.

“The doctor.” Said Jeremy. 

“That looks good enough for me.” X said, making note of their choices. “I wrote it up, so someone else has to speak for the group.” He held out the clipboard. 

When no one else volunteered, Nicole took the clipboard. “I’ll do it.”

 

When the group discussions were done, Steve gathered everyone back together in the the middle of the room. Each group went one by one, talking about who made it or didn’t make it onto their lifeboat and why. 

Waverly spoke for her group.

“Instead of coming up with who would be on the lifeboat, we decided to figure out who would stay behind. We thought that if the captain, the first mate and the carpenter stayed behind, they could possibly build a second lifeboat out of the sinking ship. They would have the skills to create something sea worthy to save themselves. That way nobody would die.” She said with a smile. 

“Interesting take on the assignment.” Steve said, then looked at Nicole and her group. “Last up, who’s talking for your group?”

“I am.” Said Nicole, a little glumly. She inwardly chastised herself for not thinking of Waverly’s solution. Of course Waverly would find a way to save everyone.

“We tried to think about who would be useful on the ship. So we started with the family.”

“I thought we should just kill off the family. Blam, they all go down with the ship, nobody left to cry over the lost family members.” Said Sean.

“You already had your turn.” Said Steve.

“What are you going to do, kill a mother and child? That’s the most stupid idea ever.” Said another kid.

“Not if it’s Sean.” Wynonna tossed out.

“Everyone! Hush!” Steve yelled out, holding up his hands. “It is Nicole’s turn to talk. And I don’t want to hear another word about anyone on this unit dying.” The room quieted down and Steve turned to Nicole.

Nicole cleared her throat. “We started with the family, so that’s three people. Then we wanted the doctor on board in case someone got hurt. We thought the doctor would be better than the nurse. More experience. Next we thought the carpenter would be good to have on board because he can fix the boat if something happens to it. The captain should be on board to steer the boat and the priest so he can keep everyone calm.” Nicole looked around her group. “That’s our seven.”

Steve was beaming out at the classroom. “Great job everyone. I really like how you all worked together in the groups to come up with your solutions. I heard some excellent communications, disagreements were talked about. Nobody was yelling. Really excellent work.” He clapped his hands again for the room. “Ok now, we want to give you the right answer.”

The room went still, and Nicole thought, the right answer?

“Ok most of you thought about who should be saved, and that’s a great place to start. But in a case of life and death, really we should be focusing on who is left behind and why.” Steve looked around the room. Everyone was paying very close attention to him. “Good. So first of all the captain should remain behind. The captain always goes down with his ship. If someone is to be sacrificed, he should be the first one to volunteer. Next up is the priest. He should stay behind because his soul should be ready to die. Plus he can perform the last rights on the three doomed souls. Finally, the homosexual should die because his life doesn’t have value…”

Nicole immediately stiffened. She stared ahead of her, refusing to make eye contact with anyone out of fear of being seen.

“What?” Asked X. 

“Well, it’s not like he can have a family. It’s criminal behavior, and he isn’t a role model for anyone. He may as well go down with the ship.”

“Wait.” Said X. From her peripheral vision, Nicole saw him shaking his head. “What would you say to a gay kid here at the hospital: go ahead and kill yourself?”

Steve rocked back in his stance and folded his arms across his chest. “We’ve never had a homosexual here at the Hope.”

Nicole tried to hide her flinch.

“What would you do if there was one?” X asked. Internally, Nicole was grateful to X for asking the question. There was no chance she could have asked them herself. But she refused to look over at X, or any of the kids for that matter. She was terrified that they were watching her, waiting to see her reaction. She wondered what Jeremy was thinking.

Nicole looked up at Steve, it felt like the only safe place for her eyes. He was considering his answer.

“I don’t know what we’d do. I guess we’d have to test them for AIDS and separate them from the rest of the group. They’d have to have a single room.” He paused a moment. “Thankfully, it hasn’t come up.”

The walls of Nicole’s reality came crashing down around her. She’d long suspected that Hope (or school, or home…) was not a safe place to reveal that she was gay, but she’d never before heard it stated so plainly. She inwardly questioned that if her life had no value, then why were they bothering to stop her from committing suicide. Shouldn’t they be handing her the knife, or pills, or gun? She thought about Jeremy and her heart raced. What was he thinking? This was only his second day here. He was still on FMIs. Nicole made a silent vow to herself to put aside her feelings of jealousy that he got to work with Waverly during school, and make sure he knew that at least she thought his life had value. 

 

When they broke from group, the kids were still discussing what they thought should happen if a homosexual came to Hope. Nicole tried to ignore them and instead sought out Jeremy. He walked back to the B wing with his gaze strictly down on the floor in front of him. He was walking so fast that Nicole had to trot to catch him as he entered his single room.

“Hey,” she leaned against his doorway. Jeremy wasn’t looking at her. “I was wondering if you’d like to play spit with me.” 

He slowly lifted his eyes from the floor. Nicole gave him a smile. 

Jeremy let out a breath. “I’m tired.” 

“Come play cards with me.” She walked over to the living room table a picked up a deck of cards. Then she headed to the back corner.

She didn’t bother to look up when Jeremy joined her. Nicole started to shuffle the cards. She debated if she would say anything about the exercise. Nicole realized that her assumptions about Jeremy were just that: assumptions. She decided that it would be better to say nothing about the exercise. 

“So, Waverly said you two are working on a chemistry project in school.” She dealt out the cards.

Jeremy seemed to perk up with Nicole’s choice of subject.

“Yeah, she’s really awesome. I have no idea why she’s even here. How could someone so sweet be here for anger management issues. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, well as X told me when I first got here, she can be two people. I think she just wants to protect Wynonna.” Nicole wanted to get off the topic of Waverly so she tried to change the subject. “Is chemistry your favorite subject?” 

“I love all the sciences. I think all the new things happening with DNA sequencing and genetics is fascinating. It’s wild to think about the potential for what we can do with gene-splicing. The end of genetic diseases.” Jeremy laid out his cards.

“Or superhuman breeding.” Nicole finished setting up her cards for the game. 

“Ok, well, there’s that too. For sure. Too much power in the hands of scientists, and all that. But really, I think the world of good that can come from it justifies the occasional mad-scientist creating a Frankenstein.” He looked over at Nicole. “You ready to go?” He pointed down at the decks.

“Ready.”

“Spit!” Cried out Jeremy, before flipping over his first card. His hand worked so fast, Nicole was taken aback by how quickly he could process what he was doing. She jumped in two breaths behind him, but felt like she’d never catch up. 

“Damn, dude.” Nicole feverishly tried to move her cards as fast as Jeremy. In no time, Jeremy easily won the first round. He was giggling and Nicole smiled over at him. 

A staff person walked into the wing and announced that the D&A group would be starting soon. 

“Are you a part of D&A group?” Nicole asked Jeremy.

He let out a light sigh. “No. Are you?”

Nicole shook her head. “Neither is Waverly. They usually make us write in our journals during this time. If we finish up before the end of the group, we can hang out. Maybe we can play a card game with the three of us.”

“Do you think the journals are helpful?” Jeremy asked.

“Not really. I have two, and both of them seem pointless.”

“Does everyone have a private journal?”

“I don’t know. I have one for my ‘gender issues.’” Nicole did air quotes.

“Yeah, me too.” Jeremy stated.

“Do they make you explain how it’s all your fault that people hate you because you don’t look like them?”

Jeremy laughed out loud. “Yes.” 

“It’s pretty stupid, right?”

“They wanted me to list which sports I’d like to try. If I only played more sports I’d have more friends and the people at my school would like me more, or not make fun of me.”

“What do they say to you?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” He seemed to shrink into himself a bit.

“The kids at my school dump my books and trip me in the hall. They call me farmer and other things.”

Jeremy looked up at Nicole.

“One girl whispers ‘lez’ every time I pass her in the hall. So now when I see her, I turn around and walk a different way.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said flatly. “There’s a bathroom that I can’t use because I know that the kids in it will harass me.” He picked up the cards and shuffled them in his hands. “It’s the main bathroom on the history and English hallway. So if I need to go to the bathroom, I just hold it until later.”

“Do they say anything?”

“Mostly they call me nerd, or Urkel. Sometimes they say other things.”

“Yeah. That’s the worst.” Nicole pulled at her sweater sleeve. “The name calling.”

Jeremy agreed. 

“I refused to go to school anymore. I couldn’t face another day of it. That’s why I’m here.”

“Me too.” Jeremy’s voice was small.

“Hey.” Nicole looked out around the room to make sure nobody was listening in. “Maybe we can be a team.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” Nicole second guessed herself. “Maybe it’s stupid.”

“No really.” Jeremy looked at her in earnest.

“Well, I was just thinking that if we’re both dealing with the same things, maybe we can work together. It would nice to have someone to talk to about it.”

“I agree.” 

“Yeah?”

“For sure. I felt really alone when I first got here. I was worried it would be just like school.”

“Yeah. You know that Waverly is nice, and X is cool too.” Nicole bit her lip, and looked down at the floor. “I was really glad X asked those questions before.”

Jeremy went very still.

“It’s good to know where I stand with them.” Nicole added.

“Yeah. I guess.”

After the kids were called to the classroom for D&A, Nicole rose up to walk over to A wing. “Anyway, it was pretty eye opening.”

Jeremy joined her. “For sure.”

 

At wrap up that night, Rosita told Nicole she really did a great job that day. She was encouraged that Nicole kept the flower sweater on all day, as well as the makeup. 

“I hope you can keep it up tomorrow. I know Susan is looking forward to seeing you dressed up.” Rosita continued. “I think if you keep this up, you should have no problem making level 3 by Friday’s outing. Keep up the good work.”

She knew that Rosita was trying to be encouraging, but it felt disheartening. It made Nicole feel invisible. She looked over at Waverly, who was beaming at her. Wynonna just rolled her eyes.

 

That night, Waverly and Nicole talked quietly into the darkness.

“Hey, Waves? Does it ever feel like the world is working against you?”

“Yeah, all the time. That’s pretty much how I feel constantly.”

“I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s really hard on me to do all this gender stuff.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like trying to sit or walk like a girl, wearing girly clothes. It just doesn’t fit me.”

“I know that. But does it help that you know you’ll get your Walkman or go see the movie if you keep it up?”

“Not really. It doesn’t feel worth it.”

“Then why did you do it today?”

“Honestly?” 

“Yes.”

The shroud of night made Nicole feel a little more safe. “Because you asked.”

Waverly shifted in her bed to lean on her elbow facing Nicole. “Really? You did it for me?”

“Yes.”

“Nicole, that’s so sweet.” Waverly lay back in her bed. “Can I ask a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Can I lie down next to you? Wynonna used to let me rest next to her for a few minutes.” She paused. “It helped me fall asleep.”

“Ok.”

Waverly pulled back her covers and stepped over to Nicole, who held her covers up for Waverly. The other girl slid in next to Nicole, and she wiggled over until her side was pressed up against the wall.

“Thanks. I hate being cold.” She curled up next to Nicole. “What did you think about the sinking ship exercise today?”

Nicole felt her body vibrating next to Waverly. The warmth and strawberry scent pressing in.

“Pretty weird thing to talk about.” Waverly tried again.

“Huh?”

“I mean about the whole homosexual thing. Pretty weird, right?”

Nicole felt the air in her lung catch and expand almost painfully. 

“Do you think Jeremy might be gay?”

Nicole was too scared to speak.

“It’s ok. You know. I think he’s great.”

“Yeah, so do I.” Nicole’s voice sounded too high.

“I don’t have a problem with it.”

“Neither do I, Waves.”

Waverly placed her hand on Nicole’s bicep. 

“What?” Nicole asked.

“I like it when you call me that. Like it’s our secret nickname.”

“Nobody calls you that?”

“Nope. It could be your code name for me.”

“It hardly seems like a code name. Maybe you could be Blue Butterfly.” Nicole offered.

Waverly snuggled a little closer, resting her forehead against Nicole’s arm. “I like that even better. You can be Dodgeball.”

Nicole laughed out. “No way, you kicked my ass.”

Waverly giggled and squeezed Nicole’s arm. “You’re cute.”

Nicole felt herself blush and she was grateful it was dark in the room.

Just then, the girls heard the night staff walking around on the wing outside their door. Waverly jumped up and dove into her own bed. Their door opened and Brad walked in. He flashed a light at the two beds. “Girls, you need to go to sleep. No more taking.”

“Sorry” said Nicole

“Good night, Brad.” 

“Good night, girls.”

When he left, Waverly rolled over to face Nicole. “Thanks, Nicole.”

“Sure, Good night Blue Butterfly.”

“Night, Dodgeball.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey DreadPirateBrown, Thanks again for reading over my work. Your insights are invaluable.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter has extended scenes of gender realignment therapy and dysphoria. It was difficult to write, and I imagine it may be difficult to read.

Chapter 6

 

2008: (December)  
Nicole was working through a draft of her seminar paper that was due at the end of the semester. The writing was slow and frustrating. She wanted to have the first draft completed by the end of the week because she needed time to study for the rest of her finals. The tension pulled at her shoulders.

A new email alert popped up on her computer screen. She was trying to ignore the pop-ups to stay focused on the paper, but this one caught her eye. She clicked on the link.

Dear Nicole Haught,  
We are excited to let you know that we have agreed to offer you a place in the Landry, Oliver & Hunt LLP associate class of 2009. In the coming weeks, you will receive correspondence from us regarding the offer and a copy of your contract. Please look over these documents carefully. If you have any questions regarding the contract, please contact Debbie Wright in our Human Resources department. Her contact information is provided below.   
Congratulations and we look forward to welcoming you to the team next fall.  
Walter Bishop  
Managing Partner, Washington D.C.  
Landry, Oliver & Hunt LLP

Nicole read over the email about ten times to make sure she didn’t miss anything. Her mind was reeling as she tried to take in the news that she got the offer from the D.C. firm. It was one thing to feel like you rocked the interview and another thing entirely to see the offer in front of you, Nicole thought to herself. She felt the adrenaline coursing through her. She took and short run around her apartment, jumping up to brush the ceiling of her bedroom. 

When she came back to her computer and read through the email again, she knew she needed to tell someone. Her thoughts jumped to both X and Waverly. Who should she call first? Part of her wanted to call Waverly, but that felt like a betrayal to X. He had been by her side this whole time. He deserved the first call.

She picked up her cellphone and dialed X.

“Shouldn’t you be studying for finals?” X answered his phone.

“Yes, but I just got some awesome news. I couldn’t wait to share it with you.” She paused, waiting for X to ask what it was. When he said nothing, she pushed on, “I got the job offer from D.C.!”

“That’s great. What did they say?”

“Not much, it was just a quick email to let me know I got the offer and they’re sending me the formal offer in the mail with a contract.”

“Wow. When would they want you to start?”

“I don’t know; they said something about the fall. I’ll have to take the bar exam over the summer. I wonder which bar they’ll want me to take. I was just going to apply for the Indiana bar, but maybe they’ll want me to take a different one…” Nicole trailed off.

“Is there someone you can ask?”

“Yeah, they gave me the name of their HR person. I wonder if I can ask her. Or I can talk to my friend in the firm. Holy crap. This is great. I feel like I’m bouncing off the walls in here. Can you meet me at Soma? I can’t sit still right now.”

“For a little bit, I’m on shift this evening.”

“Meet you there?”

“Sure.”

Nicole hung up and did another lap around the apartment. She threw her books and computer into her backpack and got ready to leave. 

As she was heading out of the apartment, Nicole dialed Waverly’s number. She heard her voicemail pick up after only one ring and wondered if Darren was taking a nap.

“Hi, this is Waverly, leave me a message. Bye.” The recording said.

“Waves, I’ve got some exciting news. I heard back from the D.C. law firm and I got the job. Give me a call when you get a chance. Thanks, Bye.” And Nicole hit end on her phone. She was literally bouncing on her toes as she walked over to Soma. The December morning was cold and crisp, while the blue sky blazed a happiness. It felt good to walk; the cold air invigorating her lungs. She noticed a cardinal sitting in a tree and the splash of color on the dull branches made her smile. She felt strong, like she could walk off into the horizon and never stop. The road was just opening up before her. 

When she reached Soma, Nicole was almost a little disappointed that the walk didn’t take longer. She enjoyed being out in the winter sun. She briefly considered sitting out on their patio, but figured she’d get cold too quickly to make it worthwhile. Instead, she stepped into the warm café. It was a little dark inside, but it made the space feel cozy, rather than sad. She saw her favorite barista was behind the counter. A broad smile broke out as she stepped up to the bar. 

“Hey Nicole.” The barista said.

“Hi, I’ll have a large coffee.”

“No problem. You look happy. Getting a little vitamin sun?” She asked.

“Yep, something like that.” Nicole paused to watch the barista grab a cup and pour her coffee. “Actually, I just got some good news. I found out I have a job offer after graduation.”

“No way! That’s awesome. That must be a huge weight off your shoulders.” She handed over the mug, taking Nicole’s money.

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“So what’s the job?”

“It’s for an associate position at a law firm in D.C.”

“Wow! So you’re going to be moving across the country. That means I won’t see you again.”

“Well, I’m not leaving anytime soon. You’re stuck with me for a little while.” Nicole picked up her cup after leaving a tip.

Nicole took a seat by the front door. She could look out the window to watch for X and still enjoy some of the blue sky outside. 

When X didn’t show up after five minutes, Nicole took out a law book to go over a few of her notes. She flipped through the pages, seeing all of her handwritten scribbles in the margins. Highlighter markings, little doodles made during down times: they were all reminders of the semester coming to a close. At the beginning of a new semester, Nicole would dive headlong into the subject matter whether it was Property Law or weightier matters like Constitutional Law. Then with the next semester she’ll have new classes, and these books will be added to her bookshelf to collect dust. This felt like a fitting metaphor for her fear about leaving X behind in Indiana. Would he become a book, so important at one time, that gets kept on the shelf never to be opened again as she moves on to new endeavors? 

“Hey girly.” X kicked her foot to get her attention.

“X! Sorry, I didn’t see you come in.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty easy to miss.” He joked.

“Smart-ass.”

“I’m going to get some coffee, then we can talk about the offer.” He walked off. Nicole put her book back in the bag, and picked up her drink.

When X came back, he sat in the chair opposite. “So tell me more about this offer.”

“You know as much as I do at this point. The email just said that I have an offer, not what it entails.”

“So will the offer tell you what your salary will be?”

“I think so because that will have to be a part of the contract.”

“Pretty exciting. Do you think you’ll take it?”

“I don’t know. Part of me wants to jump all over it. Of course, I’ll have to wait and see what the contract says.”

“And you’ll be close to Waverly.” He held Nicole’s look.

Nicole let out a sigh. “Waverly.” She looked around the café. “I haven’t talked to her yet. I left a message on her cellphone.”

“So where do you stand with her?” X asked.

“We talk every now and then. We’re Facebook friends. Not much beyond that, really.”

“No, I mean, how are YOU doing with it.”

Nicole sat back in the chair and took a long sip of her coffee. She looked down at her shoes. They were well worn from all the walking around campus. She considered buying a new pair when she moved to D.C. Then she realized that she was already thinking of herself as moving to D.C. The Indianapolis job was already gone from her thought process. 

“Nicole?”

She looked up at X. “I feel like I’m meant to go to Washington. That’s where I need to be.”

“Because of the job or Waverly?”

“Both. The job is important to me. But so is Waverly.”

“Even if she’s married and you’re just friends?”

“Yeah? It sounds masochistic, but it feels right.”

“Then go for it.” X said, a smile spreading out. “Just keep your head clear.”

“What about you?” Nicole asked.

“What about me? I can take care of myself. I know you think I can’t, but I’m pretty tough.”

“Shut up.” Nicole snickered. 

“No, seriously. It’s not like I’m alone here. Police officers take care of each other.”

“Will they force feed you vegetables?”

“Thankfully no.” X and Nicole both laughed. 

“It will be different.” Nicole threw out.

X nodded his head.

“I guess I’m a little worried that we’ll drift apart.”

“Not going to happen.” X said confidently, his eyes shining. “I mean, I think some of that is natural, but I’m not worried about losing you.” He took a drink and cleared his throat. “Can I tell you a secret? When we were in college, every time you met a new girl I’d get worried that she’d be the one to take you away. She’d steal your heart and that would be it. But every time, it would fizzle out after a few months, and every time I was always there for the roller coaster of your emotions.” He gave her a half smile. “I know that some day you’re going to meet someone and that will be it for you. But whoever is right will understand our relationship. They’ll have to or they won’t be right for you. So, I’m not worried about losing you, but I also know that I have to let you go and find that person or you won’t be happy.” He laughed into his coffee cup. “I’ve never met a more hopeless romantic than you.”

“Holy crap, are we having a moment?” Nicole tried to hide her emotions.

“Yep. And that’s why I want to tell you what I want to do for your Christmas present this year.”

“What’s that?” 

“I want to get you a plane ticket to D.C. over the break, so you can look for apartments or at least look for neighborhoods, get to know the city a little.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Go out there and just explore a little. If you’re going to live there, start making some roots. Or just be a tourist, see the museums, stuff like that. Go have some fun, you deserve it.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“How about thanks.”

“Asshole. Of course, thanks.” She jumped up and held out her arms. X stood and leaned into her hug. “You’re the best. You know that, right?”

“Yep.” He gave her a quick squeeze then pulled back. “I need to head out. But take a look at some flights, see what fits your schedule. Ok?”

“You got it. Wow, that’s so awesome. Thanks.”

“No problem, Nicole.”

 

That afternoon Waverly called. Nicole was back in her apartment and struggling with the seminar paper. 

“Hi Waves.” She tried to sound excited despite the lack of progress she made on her work. 

“Hi Nicole. I got your message and that’s awesome!”

Nicole grinned into the phone. “Thanks. I’m pretty excited.” Her voice dropped off.

“You don’t sound very excited. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s this stupid seminar paper I’m trying to write. It’s due in two weeks, but I need to have it mostly done by the end of the week. I’m a little stressed.”

“What’s it about?” 

“The paper is for my Law and Economics Seminar; it’s an economic analysis of gay marriage.” Nicole explained.

“Ooh, that sounds really interesting. You shouldn’t have a problem with that.”

“You’d think.” Nicole sounded a little dejected. 

“What’s wrong?” Waverly asked.

“I just can’t get into the groove. I know what I want to say generally, but it sounds stupid when I try to write it out.”

“Why don’t you send me what you have, maybe I can take a look at it and give you some feedback.”

“Waves, you don’t need to do that. I’m sure you’re busy with Darren.” 

“Actually, it would be nice to read something other than The Littlest Dump Truck for the billionth time.” Waverly giggled.

“I’d trade you places in a heartbeat. You want to write my paper and I’ll gladly read Darren dump truck stories for hours.”

“You say that now, but you have no idea how mind numbing it can be.”

Nicole laughed. The stress already felt more manageable. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Waverly asked.

“For making me smile. Somehow you always make me feel better.”

Waverly didn’t respond right away, and Nicole imagined that she was smiling, maybe her cheeks growing a little red…

“I’m serious, though. Send me your rough draft. I’d really like to read it.”

Nicole took a moment to let her brain catch up with her heart. “Oh, I almost forgot. Guess what X is giving me for Christmas.” Nicole added.

“What?” Nicole heard a little trepidation in Waverly’s voice.

“He’s getting me a ticket to fly to D.C. over my winter break, so I can look around at neighborhoods and get to know the city a little.”

“Really?” This time Nicole could definitely hear a smile in Waverly’s voice. “That’s so sweet of him.” Then almost under her breath, “wow.”

“Yeah, I’m really excited. I hope that we can see each other again.” Nicole paused. “Maybe we could take Darren to a Smithsonian or something.” She added, hoping it didn’t sound too forward. She was trying to keep her emotions from her voice, but started picking at the side of her thumbnail as her fingers started to shake.

“That would be great. I’d really like that. We could have a do-over.” Said Waverly.

“And this time, I’ll plan on picking you up so you won’t have to worry about Champ’s truck.”

“That would be great. I hate to ask you to drive all the way out to get me, but that would really help.”

“Maybe I could find a hotel out by you, make it easier to pick you up.”

“Are you serious?” Asked Waverly.

“It’s got to be cheaper to stay out there, than in the city.”

“That’s true. Nicole, this is great. I can’t wait. Do you know when you’re coming into town?”

“Not yet, I haven’t had time to think about it, but I should probably get on it. I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”

“Yay!” Waverly gave a light squeal. “I’m already looking forward to it.”

“Me too. Well, I should probably get back to writing.”

“Ok, and don’t forget to email me your paper.”

“I will. Take care, Waves.”

“Bye.”

Nicole disconnected the call feeling a million times lighter than she did at the start. The trip gave her something to look forward to, and the conversation gave her enough space in her brain to settle into writing without feeling overwhelmed by stress.

Around one in the morning, Nicole had a first draft of her paper composed. She emailed it to Waverly before getting ready for bed so she wouldn’t forget. A couple minutes later, her cellphone pinged with a new email. Nicole opened the message and saw it was from Waverly.

Nicole,  
Just got the paper. Thanks. I’m really excited to read it.  
Sleep well,  
Waverly

 

Nicole typed up a quick response after pulling on her pjs. 

Waves,  
What are you still doing up? Shouldn’t you be in bed. Only sleep deprived law students should be up now.  
Nicole

About a minute later a reply arrived.

Ha! You have nothing on sleep deprived parents. Darren woke up and the only way to get him back to sleep is to nurse him.

Nicole sent off another reply.

Waves,  
If you are up, do you want to text?  
Nicole

A couple minutes later, a new ping rang out on her phone.

WH> Hi

NH> Hey Waves. How’s Darren?

WH> He fell asleep. I’m just rocking him now.

NH> that’s sweet.

WH> I don’t get as many chances to just hold him now that he’s older. I kinda miss the days he’d just sleep in my arms for hours. Cuddling with a baby is the best.

NH> I wish I could see it.

WH> I’d take a picture, but my boob is hanging out.

A flash of fire burned up Nicole’s spine as that image took hold in her head.

WH> even though he’s asleep, Darren’s still trying to nurse. It’s really adorable. His little tongue is moving in and out of his mouth. I think it’s amazing that babies are born knowing how to nurse. I don’t think I’d know how to do it as an adult, but Darren latched on minutes after being born and just knew what to do. It was incredible.

NH> that sounds really beautiful. 

WH> it was. He was covered in white goo and blood and I was a gross, sweaty mess, but it didn’t matter. He was crying until they put him on my chest. I had my hospital gown pulled down so we could be skin to skin and the nurse placed him on me so his mouth was near my breast and he just sought it out and latched on. 

NH> that’s amazing. Was Champ there with you?

WH> yeah. He made some comment about the doctors getting a free peep show because my gown was pulled down. And I was just like, are you serious? He just helped pull a baby from my vagina and you’re worried about him seeing my boobs? Why do men get so overprotective of boobs?

NH> I wouldn’t know. 

WH> right, sorry. It’s annoying. Still, I guess it’s nice to have a big strong man to protect me.

NH> I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out.

WH> you’re not. It pisses me off more than anything. It feels like he treats me like a child at times.

NH> Waves, I doubt you were much of a child even when you were a child. When I knew you before, you were way more mature than most of us.

WH> Thanks. Why does this feel more intimate than email? Isn’t that stupid? It’s all electronic.

NH> maybe because it’s faster, more like a conversation. 

WH> but I don’t have to worry about waking up Darren.

NH> is he still sleeping in your arms?

WH> I put him back in his crib. My arms were getting tired.

NH> he’s pretty heavy.

WH> yup

NH> I can’t wait to see you both. I was thinking it would be fun to take him to the Air and Space Museum. I bet he’ll like planes if he likes trucks.

WH> that would be great. I know he’ll love it. I can’t wait to see you, too.

A wide smile broke out over Nicole’s face when she read that. 

WH> well, I should get back to bed before Champ notices I’m gone. 

The smile disappeared.

NH> good night Waves.

WH> good night and I’ll try to read your paper in the morning.

NH> no rush, go get some sleep

WH> you too

 

Two days later, Nicole received an email from Waverly with her notes on the paper. 

Nicole,  
I really liked your essay. I think it’s really well written and very interesting. I guess I never thought of marriage in that way, like the reasons why people get married. I got married because it seemed like the right thing to do, the next logical step in our relationship. I have to admit I didn’t really give it as much thought as you did. My favorite part was when you wrote about marriage being a symbol. That all you have to say is: “this is my wife,” and everyone will know the significance of your relationship. If you just say: “this is my girlfriend,” it could mean anything, even a fairly casual relationship, when it’s actually the most important relationship in your life. I remember thinking something similar the first time I called Champ my husband. 

Anyway, I made a few notes and fixed a few typos. I also went through and cleaned up your cites. I made sure they were consistent the whole way. I did a little research into how to make citations in legal papers, so I hope I used the right format. I hope it helps. I really did like it.

Thanks for sharing it with me.  
Waverly

Nicole opened the document and saw that Waverly had used track changes to make her edits. As she read through the corrections, all she had to do was hit accept. Looking over the citation edits, Nicole realized that Waverly had completely reformatted her cites. While writing the paper, Nicole had used a short hand for her cites and intended to go back and fix them, but Waverly did that all for her. Not only that, she did it correctly. Citations were Nicole’s least favorite part of legal writing, but Waverly took care of it. She shook her head, completely amazed, as she went through accepting change after change. 

 

A couple weeks later, Nicole met up with X at Soma. He greeted her at their favorite table with a wide smile and large cup of coffee. Nicole collapsed into the seat next to him. 

“Oh my God, I’m so glad to be done.” She groaned before reaching for the proffered cup. 

“How was your final?” He asked.

“Why is it that the last final is always the bitch of the bunch. I don’t think I’ll be able to hold a pen ever again.” She set her cup down and rubbed the muscles in her writing hand, then stretched out her fingers.

“I’m surprised they don’t let you type them.” He said, sitting back in his seat.

“Me too, I think they have to figure out a way to disable most things before they can switch to computer based exams. Until then they’re still handwritten.”

“Sucks for your professors, I’ve seen that chicken scratch you call handwriting.”

Nicole chuckled, still rubbing her hand. “I wonder if I can get a massage just for my hand.”

“So, are you all set for your trip?”

A sleepy smile spread out across Nicole’s feature. “Yeah. I still have some packing to do, but I’m mostly there.” She sat up in her chair and faced X, “Hey, do you have some free time this afternoon? I was going to drive out to Toys R Us to see if I can find a Christmas present for Darren.”

“Sorry, I need to head into the station.”

“Ok.” Nicole sat back.

“So you’re buying him a Christmas present? Are you planning on giving something to Waverly, too?” He gave her a keen look.

“Shut up.” She rolled her head, stretching out her neck. 

“What are getting him?”

“I don’t know. He really likes trucks and I remember wanting a Tonka Truck when I was a kid. They were the best. I wonder if they even still make Tonka Trucks.” She said, wistfully.

“Well, have fun shopping for your not-girlfriend’s kid.”

“Dude!” 

“Just saying, be careful you aren’t crossing any lines.”

“He’s not even two; I can give him a gift. It’s normal to give kids gifts.” She pointed at X.

He pursed his lips and slowly nodded his head. “So, I’m driving you to the airport?”

“Yep. Are you sure you aren’t mad that I’m leaving before Christmas? We’ll be missing our traditional puzzle-fest.”

“I bet I’ll finish it faster without you here.” He teased.

“What do you mean, I’m awesome at puzzles.”

“Not when you’re drinking.”

“Bitch please, drinking makes me smarter.” Nicole laughed, smacking X on the arm.

“Plus I’m on duty for Christmas. Low man on the totem pole.”

“Try not to have too much fun.”

“Will do.” He patted her knee.

 

When Nicole got to the toy store, she made a beeline for the toy car section. Along the back wall was a display of large toy trucks. Nicole looked over the choices, most of them had sounds and even remote controls. She just wanted to find a big dump truck that maybe had doors that opened or a bed that lifted. She didn’t want bells and whistles. She frowned walking down the row. 

On display was a smaller, remote controlled truck. Nicole picked it up and tested out the remote. The wheels spun in her hand and she set it down on the ground. 

The truck wheeled around the narrow aisle, and Nicole forced it into a tight circle. 

“Can I play with that?” A little girl, maybe six years old, with two blond braids running over her shoulders and wearing a vibrantly pink jacket was standing at her side looking up at Nicole hopefully. 

She smiled down at the girl before handing off the remote. She stood back to watch the girl drive the truck back and forth in the aisle. 

Just then a harried looking woman rounded the corner and yelled out, “Oh thank God. Shelly, you gave me such a scare. Don’t ever walk off like that!” 

“Mom! I think I found what I want.” The girl held up the remote control.

“Sweetie, that’s for boys.” The mom dismissed the toy with a shake of her head.

“But she was playing with it, and she’s a girl.” The child pointed back at Nicole. 

Nicole’s stomach clenched. She didn’t want to get in the middle of this. She knew where this conversation was likely to go. She’d had it so many times with her own mom. Nicole gave the mother a wan smile before looking back down at the truck still sitting on the floor.

“Ok, fine. If that’s what you want.” The mother’s voice trailed off.

The girl jumped up and down and let out a squeal of delight. 

Nicole reached over and picked up a truck that was still in the box and handed it to the girl. 

She looked up at Nicole with the brightest smile and gave her a breathy, “thanks,” before running off to join her mom. 

Nicole laughed to herself as she watched the two walk off. 

She turned her attention back to the task at hand. She still needed to find a dump truck for Darren. The one she wanted as a kid was huge and metal. You could put dirt in the back and push a lever that cranked the bed up to dump it out. She kept scanning the dozens of trucks.

Pushed to the back of the shelf was a large, yellow dump truck. Nicole bent down and picked it up. The truck was plastic, but other than that it looked just like the one she wanted as a kid. It was even a Tonka. Nicole couldn’t help but smile as she lifted the truck bed and peeked into the cab. It was perfect.

 

Nicole flew down to D.C. on December 23, the airport was crazy, but she got a lot of happy looks from the adults around her as she walked through the airport with the toy truck under her arm. It wouldn’t fit in her luggage, so she was forced to carry it on to the plane. 

After checking in at her hotel, Nicole called Waverly to see if she was free to meet up. 

“Hey, I saw there is an indoor pool at my hotel. Do you think Darren would like to go swimming?” She grabbed her toiletry set from her suitcase and walked it into the bathroom.

“Oh man, he’d love that. I don’t know if he’ll still fit his bathing suit, plus I’d need some swim diapers…”

“Well, I don’t have a suit either. I saw there is a Target nearby, do you think they’d have what you need?” Walking back to her luggage sitting on her bed, Nicole took out the blazer she packed just in case they found a nicer restaurant to visit. She hung it up in the small closet next to her coat.

“I’m sure they would. But I doubt they’ll have bathing suits for women in December.” 

“I’ll just get an exercise top and shorts. I don’t need a suit.” Nicole said, closing her suitcase. 

“Of course. Sure, when do you want to come by? Do you need some time to rest up or anything?” Waverly asked.

“Nope, I’m good. You ready?” She said, looking at the dump truck sitting next to the suitcase. She made a mental note to put it away in the closet before she left.

“Yes.” Said Waverly.

Nicole beamed. “I’ll be right over.”

 

Nicole pulled into the parking lot where she had dropped off Waverly before. She looked up at the tall building, wondering which apartment was Waverly’s. She pulled out her phone and quickly texted her to let her know she arrived. A couple minutes later, a bundled up Waverly carrying Darren in his car seat hurried out of the door.

Nicole jumped out of her car to help her. 

“Hey.” She greeted Waverly. Nicole moved around her car to open the rear passenger side door. Waverly set Darren down and wrapped Nicole in a strong hug.

“Hi Nicole. God, it’s so good to see you. I thought that last time was it and I totally screwed it up and I’d never get to see you again.” She pulled back beaming at Nicole. She opened her mouth to continue, but Nicole jumped in.

“If you are about to apologize again, don’t. Water under the bridge. I’m really glad that we’ll get to spend more time together on this trip.”

“I know. That was really sweet of X to do this. I sort of feel like I’m on vacation, too. I mean, I know it Christmas time and all that. And oh, by the way, I forgot to ask, do you want to come over to join us for Christmas Eve dinner? That is if you don’t already have plans.” Waverly sort of grimaced and shook her hands. “I just figured that you probably don’t know many people out here. And I don’t want you to be lonely on Christmas- well, Christmas Eve. I’m making a ham and I asked Champ and he’d like to meet you, too?”

“Waves,” Nicole smiled to see Waverly so nervous. She was adorable in her heavy coat, her hair spilling out around her shoulders from under a Pom-Pom winter hat and thick, woven mittens on her hands. “It’s ok. I’d love to come over for Christmas Eve, I don’t have any plans.”

Waverly blew out a long breath. “Great. I- I just… Great.” She smiled again. 

“But now, I need your help to get Darren’s car seat in my car.” Nicole spun around and opened the front passenger door and started moving the front seat forward to give Waverly more room in the back.

“So I was wondering,” Waverly started. “Since we’re going to be spending quite a bit of time together over the next few days, would it be ok if I just leave the car seat base installed in your car? I mean I don’t have to, but it might be faster and easier when you pick us up.” 

“I think that’s a great idea. Are you sure you won’t need it when we’re not together?” Nicole asked.

“I’ll be with Champ and we have a second one installed in the back of the truck. So that should be ok.” Waverly released the base from Darren’s car seat.

“Great. That sounds like a plan, then.” Said Nicole. “You need any help?” She watched Waverly place the base in the back seat. Nicole leaned over to greet Darren. “Hey buddy, I’ve got a fun surprise for you.” She gently poked his nose and he smiled and let out a high, happy wail. “Looks like he’s in a good mood.”

“He should be, he had a short nap and just about drank me dry before you got here.” 

That sent a shock wave down Nicole’s spine. She didn’t know why hearing Waverly talk so casually about nursing affected her so much. Just because she as talking about her breasts… I mean, it wasn’t like she was a teenage boy. Nursing was totally natural and why women have breasts.

Still. 

A shudder ran through her, as she watched Darren struggle to pull off his mittens. You are one lucky little dude, she thought. His face scrunched down in concentration as he pulled one hand free. He tried to throw the mitten, but it was attached to his jacket by a short clip. He scowled when he couldn’t send the mitten flying, and in that moment he looked exactly like Waverly. Nicole laughed and took his uncovered hand. He gripped her finger tight and shook it around. When he tried to put Nicole’s finger in his mouth, she quickly pulled it free. 

“Uh uh, I know that trick.” Said Nicole. 

“I’m ready for him.” Said Waverly from the back seat of the car.

Nicole brought Darren over and Waverly hopped out of the car. “Just set the seat in the base and you should hear it click into place.” Said Waverly.

“Mamamama.” Darren babbled.

Nicole couldn’t help the smile, hearing Darren talking to Waverly, calling her mom. She clicked the seat into place, and Darren kicked the backseat. “Mamamamamamamaaaa” His little voice growing stronger.

“Yes, sweetie. I’m here.” Waverly called back. She pulled out a small toy and handed it to Darren before getting into the front seat.

Nicole made her way to the driver’s seat and settled into the car. “Are we ready to go?”

“Yes,” Said Waverly. “I can’t wait to take him swimming. He had a few lessons this summer, but he loves the pool.” She turned in her seat to face Nicole as she started the car. “Thank you for doing this.”

“I’m pretty excited too.”

“Please.” Waverly said through a laugh. “You should be out on the town, checking out all the hip places to live, not out here in boring old suburbia.”

“Waverly, part of the reason I’m on this trip is to see you.” If she was being completely honest, she thought, it was the main reason. “This sounds like a lot of fun to me. I’ve never been swimming with a toddler before, and I’ve been looking forward to spending more time with you.”

“Speaking of spending more time. Tomorrow, can you come over around five for dinner? We usually read The Night Before Christmas after dinner and then open up one present…”

“That reminds me, I got something for Darren.”

Waverly looked at Nicole. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. It was kinda fun going toy shopping.”

The broad smile that spread out across Waverly’s face told Nicole that she understood. “Yeah. I think I have as much fun as Darren in the toy store.”

 

When they got to Target, Waverly got Darren out of his car seat and held him on her hip as they walked in. They got a cart and she placed her large diaper bag inside, then tried to get Darren into the front. He squirmed and whined.

“Down.” He shouted.

“Sweetie, I can’t chase after you in here.” Said Waverly.

“I can hold his hand, if he wants to walk for bit.” Nicole offered.

“Are you sure, he gets into everything.”

“Yeah, I think I can keep up with him.”

Waverly chuckled as she placed Darren on his feet. He immediately took off for the colorful dollar bins, hands outstretched and ready to grab.

“That didn’t take long.” Nicole said as she chased after him. She looked back over her shoulder and saw Waverly biting her lips to hold back her laugh.

 

They eventually made their way back to the baby section. Along the way, Nicole learned to walk with Darren in the middle of the aisles after he managed to pull down a pile of ladies underwear too close to the side.

“You’ll really have to watch him back here.” Said Waverly as she turned the cart into one of the narrow aisles. Along the row was packages of diapers, wipes, powders, creams, pacifiers, bottles, and even bath accessories. 

“Holy…” Nicole stopped herself. “Do you really need all this?” She lifted a plastic bath bed off the top shelf to peer inside. 

“Not all of it now, but at one point.” Waverly pointed at the bath bed. “That’s for infants who can’t sit up yet.”

“Huh.” Nicole said and placed the bed back on the shelf. Darren screeched and pointed at the section of pacifiers. 

“Binky!” He yelled.

“No, Darren. You don’t need another binky.” Said Waverly.

“BINKY!” He gestured more urgently at the section.

“Darren. No.”

Darren pulled Nicole behind him as he walked closer to the pacifiers. Then suddenly his eyes went wide and he pulled in a deep breath. With as much reverence as a toddler could manage, Darren spoke in a breathless wonder, “Dodgy binky,” and pointed at a light blue doggy shaped pacifier. 

Hanging next to the blue one was a matching light pink doggy pacifier. Nicole lifted the blue pacifier off the hook. 

Darren squirmed and gave Nicole a very clear “gimme” hand motion. “Mine.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Waverly said with a shake of her head.

“I don’t understand why pacifiers need to be gendered. Everything is pink or blue. Even the diapers are coded. All he’s going to do in them is poop and pee.” Nicole said, hanging the pacifier back up.

“No. Mine.” Yelled Darren.

Waverly shrugged her shoulders and tossed a package of swim diapers into the cart. She leaned down and picked up the unhappy toddler. “I bought him a jacket once that had a unicorn on in. He liked it because it had a horsy on it.”

Darren stilled and said, “horshy.”

“But Champ threw it away because it was a ‘girl’s coat.’” She mimed the air quotes with one hand.

“That’s stupid.” Said Nicole.

Darren immediately picked up on the word. “Tupid.” He giggled.

“No honey, we don’t say that word.” Waverly tried to correct him.

Nicole and Darren simultaneously said “Sorry” and “tupid.” 

Waverly gave Nicole an exasperated look. “Champ got him saying it originally. Now I have to correct him every time he says it. It’s just like when he learned the word…” Then Waverly mouthed the word ‘poop.’ 

“At least he learned that word and not the other one.” 

“Oh, he learned that one too.” Waverly set Darren back down. “Champ thought it was funny to hear him swear, but he doesn’t have to explain to the pediatrician why his son is cursing up a storm in the middle of the appointment.” 

Nicole reached out and took Darren’s hand. “Yeah, that’s pretty bad.” 

“I know, right? And the pediatrician already thinks I over-react to everything.” Waverly said under her breath. 

“What’s that?” Nicole asked as they moved to the clothing section of the baby department. 

“Our pediatrician is such a jerk, but he’s close and I like the nurses.” Waverly explained. 

“Can’t you find a different pediatrician?” Nicole asked.

Waverly shot her such a fiery look that Nicole held up her hands. “Sorry.”

“That’s what Aunt Gus told me to do, but it’s not that easy to switch doctors.” She still looked really pissed.

“Got it.” And Nicole dropped the subject. “Do you think they’ll have bathing suits for babies at this time of year?”

Waverly switched gears too, “Oh, they have them year round for kids. All the swim lessons.”

They walked through the baby clothes with Darren pointing out every Mickey Mouse he could find, until they reached a rack of swim shorts and tiny baby bathing suits. 

Nicole held up a teeny pink bikini that was sized for a newborn. “This is ridiculous. Who puts an infant in a bikini?” She asked.

“You’d be surprised.” Waverly groaned. She picked up a pair of swim shorts that had Mickey Mouse on them and held it out to Darren.”

He gave an exuberant “yeah!”

 

After Nicole picked out a plain, black women’s exercise top and men’s running shorts, they made their way to the front of the store. In line, Darren found the Matchbox Car display and grabbed a truck that was sitting out in easy reach.

“Druck.” He said, though it sounded more like ‘duck.’ “Lellow druck.” 

Nicole grinned down at him as Waverly said, “No honey, you need to put that back.” 

“Lellow druck.” Darren repeated, looking over the pickup truck.

“May I see it?” Asked Nicole, kneeling down and holding out her hands.

Darren placed the car in her palms.

“Thanks.” She said, before studying the toy car just as carefully. “I really like trucks.” She looked over at Darren. “Do you like trucks, too?”

He vigorously nodded his head with his tongue hanging out of his mouth in a huge smile. 

“I’m glad you like trucks.” Nicole said, turning her attention back to the toy. 

“Honey, can you come up here with Mommy?” Waverly said as she lifted Darren into the front seat of the cart. “I need your help putting things on the conveyor.” She gave Nicole a quick wink, then handed the diaper package to Darren to place on the black belt. 

Nicole hung up the truck when Darren wasn’t looking and waited to purchase her items. When Waverly was done, Nicole handed her the car keys and told her she could go ahead and start getting Darren in his seat while she was checking out. 

Once Waverly was out of sight, Nicole quickly grabbed the Matchbox truck and placed it on the conveyor belt with her swim gear. “I’ll get that as well.” She grinned to the cashier. 

“Usually, it’s the dads who are the softies.” The cashier said back.

Nicole gave her a “what the fuck” look.

 

Back at the hotel, Nicole took over her bathroom to change, giving Waverly the bedroom. Nicole ripped off the tags and pulled on the exercise shorts. They were a light, synthetic material reaching down almost to her knee. They were perfect for swimming because they wouldn’t absorb too much water and become heavy. The tank top was also an exercise top, but she went with a plain black, women’s running top. It was also synthetic with a build in sports bra. Nicole had made the mistake of trying to swim in a cotton tank top before. This one was tighter, more form fitting, so it wouldn’t pull away and become gappy when it was wet. After adjusting the top, she flexed her arms and shoulders. While she didn’t have the strongest arms, she did have a little definition. She tried a different pose. Nicole grinned at her reflection and wondered what Waverly would think about her in the tank top. 

She gave a bicep a little squeeze. Not too shabby, she thought. 

“Hey, you done in there?” Waverly asked through the door.

Nicole jumped and dropped the pose. “Yeah, almost.” She shook her head. Focus Nicole, she told herself. 

When she emerged from the bathroom, Nicole saw that Waverly was now wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. She couldn’t see any hints of a bathing suit underneath. 

“Are you swimming, too?” Nicole asked.

“Of course.” Said Waverly. “I just don’t want to traipse through the hotel half naked.” 

Nicole looked down at herself. She figured she was fine to wander through the hotel. Darren came walking up. He had on his Mickey Mouse trunks and a t-shirt. Nicole knelt down to meet his eyes.

“You ready to go swimming?”

He looked at Waverly. “Simming.” 

“Oh hey, what would you like for him to call you.” Waverly asked as she picked up Darren.

Nicole thought about it for a moment. “I guess he could call me Nikki, if that’s easiest.” 

“Ok.” She looked at her son. “Darren, Aunt Nikki is going swimming with us. Can you say Nikki?” She pointed at Nicole.

“Ni Ni.” 

Nicole chuckled. 

“Aunt Nikki.” Waverly corrected him.

“Ni Ni.” Darren pointed at Nicole, too. “Nini…Ninininini”

“It’s ok, he can call me Nini if he wants.” Said Nicole, she looked at Waverly. She had an apologetic expression. “It’s cute.” 

Waverly gave her a soft smile. “Ok, Aunt Nini and I are taking you swimming. You want to go swimming?” She asked Darren.

He nodded his head and began squirming in her arms. 

“We better hurry, before he bursts with excitement.” 

 

Nicole was glad to see that they had the entire pool area to themselves. There was a medium sized pool in the middle of the room with stairs at one end and a tiny hot tub off in the corner. Surrounding the pool were deck loungers. There were two bathrooms along the far wall and a towel bin between them stacked with clean towels. 

“Do you mind if I slip into the bathroom really quick?” Waverly asked hesitantly, while getting Darren ready for the pool.

“Of course. I can take him into the pool, give you a little privacy.” 

“Thanks. And be sure to keep a hand on him at all times. His confidence in the pool far outstrips his ability to swim. I know I said we took a few mommy-and-me swim lessons at the rec center, but it was mostly about getting him comfortable in the water.”

“No problem. I’ve got him. You go pee.” She waved off Waverly before taking Darren’s hand. 

Nicole walked over to the pool stairs and stepped down. The cool water sent a chill racing through her body. She let out a bracing breath. “Are you sure you want to do this?” She asked Darren. 

Darren jumped down onto the first step, splashing water onto Nicole’s legs. Nicole groaned. “Thanks kid.” Then bent down and splashed some water on Darren’s legs. He giggled and started an all out splashing war, kicking water at Nicole. 

“Nini!” He shrieked in joy, and grabbed Nicole’s leg trying to push her into the pool. 

Nicole pretended to lose her balance and fall back into the water. Better to get it over with fast. She popped up quickly, wiping the water from her eyes to make sure Darren was still on the first step. 

He was laughing and raised an arm to his mouth to lick the water off.

“Hey buddy, don’t do that.” She lifted Darren from the step and held him to her side as she walked out into the pool. “That water is yucky.”

“Yucky” he repeated breathily. 

“Yeah, yucky.” And she mimicked spitting the yucky water out. Darren leaned over and spit into the pool. Nicole huffed out a breath. She had a lot to learn about kids.

“Hey, do you want to jump into the pool?” Nicole asked Darren as she walked to the edge. She placed his little feet down onto the lip of the pool. “You jump and I’ll catch you, ok?”

“Jump!” Darren yelled out. His high voice rang out through the pool room.

“Yeah, you jump and I’ll catch you. You ready?” Nicole took a step back away from the wall. She wasn’t sure how far he could jump.

Darren launched himself at Nicole without hesitation. He landed on her chest and she caught him while dipping down into the water. She didn’t let his head go below the water and he laughed out a high pitched, “Nini, again.”

Nicole chuckled as she set him back on the pool wall.

“Jump!” Came the urgent command from Darren’s baby voice.

“Ok, ok. Hold up.” She took two steps back this time. Before she got settled, Darren jumped out into her arms. She caught him, letting him dip down to his belly. “Kid, we gotta work on your timing.” She laughed as she pulled him up to her side. “Can you count to three?”

“Free.”

“That’s it. Let’s count to three before you jump, ok.”

“Nini.” Darren said. “Again.”

She placed him on the wall. “Ok? One. Two. Three.”

“Free.”

“One.” Nicole held up one finger. “Two.” She held up two fingers, then…

“FREEEEE!” Darren called out as he jumped. 

Nicole caught him, and as she pulled him up from the water, she swung him up into the air and caught him again. 

Darren was laughing hysterically. “Again. Nini, again.”

She put him back up on the wall. “One, two, three. Right?” She smiled at Darren. He nodded, vigorously.

“One.” Nicole took a step back. “Two.” She took another, then before she could get out another word, Waverly emerged from the bathroom in a bikini. 

Her jaw hit the pool floor. 

“Free.” Darren’s little body splashing into her waist jogged her back to reality. She grabbed the boy, drawing him back to her side. 

“Mama.” Darren yelled when he turned to see his mom walking to the pool stairs. He then looked back at Nicole, patting her cheek. “Nini, again.”

“Yeah.” She said without thinking. She tried to look away from Waverly, she knew she as being creepy, staring at her like that. But, bikini… Her mind had short-circuited. 

“Nini. Again!” Darren’s demand was louder this time, followed by an indignant little smack to her chest.

Nicole shook her head. 

“Darren. Be nice.” Waverly said, stepping down into the pool. “Oh geez. It’s freezing. How can you stand it?”

Nicole laughed and blushed as she set Darren back down on the wall. “I did it all at once. Got it over with.” She quickly glanced back at Waverly. She was inching herself tentatively into the pool.

“Yikes.” Waverly said with a sharp intake of breath. 

“Nini.” Darren dragged her attention away from Waverly. “Free.” And he jumped again.

Nicole grabbed him and dipped him down into pool. He laughed out. “Again.”

“Do you want to splash Mama?” Nicole asked Darren conspiratorially. 

“Nicole Haught! Don’t you dare.” Waverly yelled.

She waded over closer to Waverly and Darren began smacking the water. Nicole was pretty sure she was getting more of the splash than anyone, but Waverly shrieked and began splashing Darren back. When they were standing right next to each other, Waverly leaned over and took Darren from Nicole and gave him a big hug. 

“You having fun, baby boy?” Waverly asked, cuddling Darren.

A little “yeah” came back from around Waverly’s shoulder.

They played in the pool for another half hour. Then Waverly took Darren into the bathroom to change his diaper, just in case. When they came back out, Waverly asked Nicole if she could try out the hot tub while she watched Darren.

She and Darren continued their jumping game, while Nicole stole surreptitious glances over at Waverly. She was resting in the hot tub, submerged to her neck. Her head was leaning against the wall and her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful and so gorgeous with a flush of heat in her cheeks from the water. 

Nicole had to keep reminding herself that she was here and this was really happening. Of course, Darren helped remind her too, every time he yelled out, “Nini. Again.”

 

Back in the hotel room, Waverly asked Nicole if she could take a quick shower with Darren to get the chlorine off of the them. Nicole told her to take her time and that she would go down to the reception to get some coffee and a few extra towels. 

Nicole tried to waste some time down in the reception area. She made up a coffee for herself and asked for a couple clean towels. She then sat down in the breakfast area to watch the TV that was set to the news. The news was focused entirely on the recent election of Barack Obama and speculations as to how his administration was going to handle the economic recession. She watched for a few minutes before she thought she had given Waverly enough space in the room. On her way out, she grabbed a cup of coffee for Waverly, too. 

When she opened her door, the room was absolutely quiet and darkened.

“Waves?” Nicole said softly, peeking into the open bathroom door.

“In here.” Came a whisper from the far bed. Waverly was laying down on her side with her back to Nicole. Her shirt was pinned up by her armpit. “I thought if I could nurse him, then he’ll likely take a little nap.” Waverly’s soft voice drifted over from the bed. 

Nicole studied Waverly’s back. Her damp hair was draped over the bed. Her small waist dipped down between the hip of her jeans and rib cage. She walked over, sat down on the empty bed, and opened her phone. 

She glanced over at Waverly. The way her arm moved up and back led Nicole to suspect that she was caressing Darren as he nursed. She couldn’t see Darren from her point of view and part of her was curious to see him nursing. Not because of the whole breast thing, well, not entirely, but she had never seen a baby nursing in real life. 

After several minutes, Nicole gave up on her phone, lay down, and watched Waverly’s back as she nursed. Eventually, Waverly rolled over as she slipped her shirt down. “I think he’s asleep.” She whispered, as she carefully rolled off the bed and placed a pillow barrier around Darren. 

This was such a sweet, intimate moment, and Waverly trusted her with it. Nicole just watched Waverly as she adjusted the pillows, a little stupefied. 

Waverly climbed into bed next to Nicole, as Nicole pushed herself into a sitting position. 

“I got you a coffee.” Nicole turned to hand the small paper cup to Waverly. “It’s black. I wasn’t sure what you take in your coffee. Or if you drink coffee. Can you drink coffee while nursing?” Nicole asked softly, suddenly worried that she did the wrong thing.

Waverly smiled warmly at her. “Black is fine, Nicole. Thanks.” She took the cup, tried a sip, and then set it on the table between the two beds. “Did you want to go over our plans for your trip?”

“Sure,” Nicole said breathily. Up until now, their interactions were mostly about Darren, or Darren-focused. Waverly’s attention had to be mostly on him. Now it was fully turned on Nicole. Her mind raced back to the image of Waverly sitting next to her in the dark car at the end of their Applebee’s date. Just the two of them talking in the quiet space as Darren slept in the backseat.

The dark and quiet room created an intimacy between them. 

“What’s it like to nurse?” Nicole asked Waverly. “Can you feel it, the milk and all that?”

Waverly smiled and rested her head on Nicole’s shoulder. Her eyes were focused on her hands, she reached out and took one of Nicole’s. 

“A little. If he’s pulling really hard, I can feel it a little, but mostly, no. Not really. I can feel his mouth working or his tongue sliding around, but I don’t feel the milk coming out.” She glanced up at Nicole. “What I feel most is the pressure released from my breast. When he goes a long time without nursing, I can feel the milk build up in my breasts.” She took her free hand and patted her chest. “So this time, he only nursed from one side and I can tell the difference in my breasts.” She cupped the breast that wasn’t nursed down. “This one’s harder, more full. So next time, I’ll nurse him on that side.”

Nicole nodded, watching Waverly. She was dumbstruck again.

“So we have all day on December 26th to spend with you in the city. Did you have something specific you wanted to do?” Waverly asked, bringing the conversation back. 

Nicole nodded her head. She needed to pull herself together. 

“Yeah. I want to take Darren to see the Air and Space Museum.”

“You know, he’ll be happy wherever we take him. So if there’s something you want to see, let’s do that instead.”

“Actually, I really do want to see the Air and Space Museum. I’ve never been there and I hear it’s fantastic. Don’t they have a space shuttle?”

“I think so. It will be new for all of us. I’m really excited.” Said Waverly, gently squeezing Nicole’s hand and resting her head against Nicole’s shoulder.

With her free hand, Nicole picked up her phone and did a quick internet search for the Air and Space Museum. She was scrolling through the pages scanning for information on the various things to see when she felt Waverly’s hand go limp in hers.

Nicole looked over at Waverly. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was soft and even. She had fallen asleep. Nicole put down her phone, closed her eyes, and rested her head on Waverly’s. Within minutes, she was also asleep.

 

Christmas Eve, Nicole drove back over to Target to find wrapping paper for Darren’s two trucks. Despite the gift wrapping section being massively picked over, she was able to find a roll of paper depicting Santa in a firetruck. She thought that was totally appropriate for the gifts. She grabbed a roll of tape and she even found a giant red bow that she could place on top of the larger wrapped truck. Finally, she picked up a bottle of wine for Waverly and Champ. 

Secretly she hoped that Darren would be allowed to open his presents while she was there, but she knew that this was their Christmas and they had their own traditions. Really, she wanted to see the look in his eyes when he tore into the gifts and saw what was inside.

That evening, with two toy trucks wrapped and loaded into her car, Nicole made her way to Waverly’s apartment for Christmas Eve dinner. 

When she was buzzed into the front door, Nicole carried the large truck under one hand and tried to carry the matchbox truck and bottle of wine in the other hand. It was a little awkward, but she made it up the two flights of stairs to Waverly’s apartment. She knocked on the door softly, not sure if Darren would be asleep. Seconds later, Waverly opened the door and she had the biggest, most beautiful smile. Nicole grinned back before letting her know that the presents were for Darren and the wine for her and Champ.

“Oh my God! You are so sweet. You didn’t have to do that.” Waverly took the large truck from Nicole and placed it under the small Christmas tree by the front window, so that she could give Nicole a proper hug. 

“What kind of wine is that?” Waverly asked as she pulled away from Nicole.

“Target’s finest?” Nicole admitted. She held out the bottle to Waverly.

Waverly laughed and Nicole felt more at ease. “Where’s Darren?”

“He’s in his room. Do you want to see it?” Waverly asked.

“Sure. And Champ?” 

Just then the stupidly beautiful man from Waverly’s Facebook pictures walked out of what appeared to be the kitchen behind the living room. 

He had a wide smile, his hair was immaculately sculpted, perfect Chiclet teeth gleamed out from between his lips, and a series of tattoos decorated his uncovered arms. He was huge, taller than Nicole, which was saying something, and his arms looked like they were as big as Nicole’s thighs. 

She forced out a smile as she shook his rough hand. “Nicole Haught.” She introduced herself.

“Hot?” He laughed out boldly, “Isn’t that a bit egotistical?” 

Nicole tried very hard not to roll her eyes. “Yep, I hear that all the time.” She replied instead.

“Champ!” Waverly said sternly, “be nice. She’s our guest.”

“What?” He turned to Waverly. “I’m just being funny.” He held out his hands like- how can you argue with that?

Waverly shook her head. “This is my husband, James.”

“Champ.” He corrected her. Then smiled broadly at Nicole again.

“So is that a nickname?” Nicole asked him, figuring that getting him talking about himself might be the least offensive path forward.

“Yep.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Won a rodeo challenge back in Colorado. Stayed on my bull for eight seconds.” He said this like it should mean something to Nicole.

“Is that a long time?” She asked, genuinely a little confused. That didn’t sound like a record breaking feat. 

“Oh yeah. Have you ever been to a rodeo?” He quickly asked, then continued without waiting for her to answer. “Most guys don’t make it past the first second.” He gripped his belt with pride.

“That’s great.” Nicole flash a quick smile at him. 

“Did you want to see Darren’s room?” Waverly grabbed Nicole’s arm and started to lead her down the short hallway. 

They passed a second opening into the kitchen, before moving beyond a bathroom and then reaching Darren’s room. His door was open, but there was a baby gate across the opening. He was sitting in the middle of the room and playing with a couple smaller trucks. Nicole quickly scanned the room to see if he had any trucks similar to the one she bought. From what she could see, there weren’t any other large dump trucks. 

She grinned widely as she nodded her head. “Cool room.” 

Darren looked up from his trucks when Nicole spoke and yelled out, “Nini!” He got up and ran to baby gate. 

She reached over the gate and lifted Darren and gave him a big hug. “How are you, buddy?” He wrapped his arms around Nicole’s neck and yelled “jump!”

“No. No jumping right now.”

“Simming?” He asked.

“No. Sorry. But I get to eat dinner with you. Will you show me your room?” Asked Nicole.

Waverly opened the baby gate for them and Nicole put Darren down. He grabbed her hand by the middle finger and pulled her into his room. 

“Drucks.” He said, pointing at the toys with which he had been playing. 

“Yeah, those are cool.” Nicole admitted. Darren had a crib in the corner and a diaper changing table next to it. Along the opposite wall was a big book shelf that had a mix of toys and books. In front of his closet door was a large, padded rocking chair. 

The walls were painted a light blue and along the ceiling was a series of large sports stickers. Nicole wondered if his room was decorated before they knew of his passion for vehicles. It made her think of her own childhood room decorated with a flowered wall paper. 

Darren sat down next to his trucks and began driving them all around on his carpet, making his own vehicular noises, spittle dripping from his lips as he worked the toys very earnestly around in a circle. 

At dinner, Waverly pulled up Darren’s highchair next to her and Nicole took the seat opposite her. Champ sat at the head of the compact six person table. The apartment, while tiny, was actually pretty cozy. There were throw pillows on the couch and overstuffed chair, and Nicole noticed several blankets around the room. The Christmas tree took up a good portion of the the living room, despite its small size, and there were a few gifts underneath it, including the trucks that Nicole brought with her. 

On the table was Nicole’s bottle of wine that had been opened, as well as a bottle of whiskey. Darren had a Sesame Street sippy cup on his high chair tray. In the center of the table was a large ham, spiral cut and Nicole could smell the maple glazing on it. Next to that was a casserole dish of sweet potatoes and green beans, and finally a large clay crock of mashed potatoes. 

“Wow. This looks amazing. I can’t thank you all enough for inviting me over for dinner tonight.” Nicole met Champ’s look. “I can’t imagine how long this must have taken to prepare.”

Champ leaned back in his seat. “Waverly’s the best damn cook ever.”

“Champ, please watch your language.” Waverly quickly scolded. 

“What?” He looked at Waverly. “He’s a baby. It’s not like he knows what I’m saying.” He turned to Nicole and gave her an “am I right” look. Nicole tried to stay neutral. 

“Yeah, but he repeats everything now.” Waverly was looking at Darren, who was drinking from his cup. She brushed her hand through his hair.

Nicole stuck a tiny toe out into the argument. “I was surprised how quickly Darren was able to learn my name yesterday.” 

Waverly smiled at Nicole, so she ventured further. 

“Hey Darren,” Nicole asked him. “What’s my name?” She pointed back at herself.

Darren set down the sippy cup and proudly announced, “Nini.” His smile matched Waverly’s.

Champ grumbled out a “whatever.” He reached out to take the dish with the ham sitting on it, when Waverly stopped him. 

“I want to say something first.” She said. 

Nicole glanced between Waverly and Champ. From the looks on their faces, there had obviously been a discussion about this before she arrived.

“Fine.” Champ relented and set down the dish. He bowed his head like he just wanted to get through it. 

Nicole bowed her head, not sure what the protocol was, and waited for Waverly to say something. 

She peeked up briefly and saw Waverly take Darren’s hand. “Dear Lord or Higher Power or whatever you want to be called, I mean, because that’s up to you and we really shouldn’t put labels on you and however people want to celebrate you is fine…”

“Waverly, really?” Champ interrupted.

“We thank you” she continued, “for this meal and the opportunity to share it with friends.” Waverly glanced over at Nicole, who quickly dropped her eyes.

“We thank you for our good health and ask for your continued blessings as we enter the new year. Please watch over this home, this meal, and these people. Amen.”

Nicole murmured “amen” and looked up at Waverly. “That was beautiful, Waves.” Nicole said as she set the red paper napkin in her lap. 

“Waves?” Champ asked.

Waverly looked over at Champ with a shock of surprise on her face.

Nicole jumped in. “That was my nickname for Waverly back when we were in high school.”

“So, is that how you two met?” Champ asked, lifting the plate of ham and setting it down next to him. “In high school?”

“Yeah.” Waverly said quickly. “I knew her from my old high school, before I moved to Colorado.” 

“So, were you a cheerleader with her?” Champ asked as he lifted a large portion of ham onto his plate.

Nicole laughed. “No. I wasn’t a cheerleader. I played soccer.” She quickly wondered what Waverly had told him about how they really met.

“Oh yeah? Soccer, huh. Which position?” He handed the ham plate off to Nicole and reached for the mashed potatoes.

Nicole took the ham and placed a couple slices on her plate before setting it back down in the middle of the table where Waverly could reach it. “I played striker and fullback.” 

“Were you any good?” Champ asked, dishing out the potatoes on his plate.

“Champ!” Waverly chided, but Nicole cut her off.

“I made the all-star team my senior year.”

“You play in college?” He asked.

Nicole could see Waverly bristle, but she didn’t say anything.

“No, I focused on my academics in college. I figured there wasn’t much of a future for me playing soccer, but good grades would help me get a job.”

Champ smirked at this. He clearly valued sports over academics. “You know, that eight second ride might land me in the Rodeo Hall Of Fame one day.” He said proudly.

Nicole bit the inside of her cheek and said, “I didn’t know there was a rodeo hall of fame.”

“Yeah, it’s in Colorado Springs.” He said, puffing out his chest.

“That’s really cool.” Nicole admitted. “When do you find out about it?”

“Oh, not for like twenty years, or something. But mine was the best ride of 2005.”

“Really?” Nicole asked. “Nobody could hold on longer than you?”

Champ shook his head and beamed out a wide smile. 

“That’s really awesome, man. I hope you make it.” 

“Yeah, me too, because they fly you out there. And put you up in an Embassy Suites hotel for the awards show.” He leaned back in his chair. “Nothing but luxury, baby.” 

Nicole looked across the table at Waverly. She was trying to hide her grin from Nicole and Champ as she dished out some mashed potatoes for Darren. Nicole wasn’t sure, but it kinda looked like Waverly could smell the fart in the car as clearly as she could. 

 

After dinner, Nicole helped Waverly clear the dishes as Champ took Darren into the living room. He was teasing Darren with which gifts were his. 

In the kitchen, Waverly sighed as she rinsed a plate. “I wish he wouldn’t do that. He’s just going to upset him.” From the living room, Nicole could hear Darren shriek with delight as Champ was talking to him.

“I wanted to read ‘A Night Before Christmas’ to him before we opened our Christmas Eve gifts, but if he gets him all worked up, that will never happen.” 

“Do you want me to say something?” Nicole asked as she handed Waverly another plate.

“No, that’ll just piss him off. He’ll think I’m trying to control him.”

Nicole didn’t say anything. She straightened out the dishes on the counter next to Waverly and walked back out into the living room. As she walked around the table to collect the remaining few dishes, she looked over at Champ and Darren sitting on the floor together. 

“Hey Champ.” She said, trying to draw his attention away from what he was doing. 

“Yeah?” He asked over his shoulder.

“I brought a couple things for Darren. Would it be a big deal if he opened them tonight while I’m here. I was hoping to see him open them.”

Champ’s back straightened up and he turned to face Nicole. “Yeah. That would be fine. I can’t wait to see what you got him.” His teeth gleamed. 

“Thanks. We’re just finishing up in the kitchen. I’ll ask Waverly what she wants to do next.”

“Probably read from the Bible or something.” He blew out a short raspberry. 

Darren blew out a raspberry, too.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Said Champ, holding out his hand in a high five. Darren slapped it. Then Darren and Champ started a raspberry blowing contest. Nicole rolled her eyes, grabbed the remaining dishes, and walked back into the kitchen.

 

As Waverly predicted, by the time the dishes were done, Darren was so excited about the presents under the tree, they had to change the order of the night. Darren was allowed to open Nicole’s big present first.

With the help of Champ, Darren ripped off the paper and his little eyes went wide with surprise when he saw what was inside.

“Dump druck,” he said reverently, and then tried to pull it out of the box. His face scrunched down in frustration when it wouldn’t budge.

“I got this.” Champ said, standing up and taking the box from his son. Darren yelled out in alarm as he watched his dad walk off with his toy.

“Darren, Daddy’s just getting it out of the box for you.” Said Waverly, trying to calm him. He continued to cry.

“Hey buddy,” Nicole said, trying to distract him. “I’ve got one more gift. And this one is easy to open.” She looked at Waverly. “Is it ok if I give him my other gift?”

Waverly nodded her head, as she ran her fingers through Darren’s hair and kissed the top of his head.

Nicole handed him the small gift and Darren immediately tore into it. “Lellow druck!” He yelled out. “Open.” He commanded and shoved the package at Waverly. 

“You need to say please.”

“Pease.” 

Waverly chuckled as she opened the Matchbox car package, and Darren grabbed it from her hands and then slid to the ground to race the truck on the living room floor. 

“Aren’t you going to say thank you to Nini?” Waverly prodded. “She got you two nice trucks.”

“Dankgoo.” Darren called out without looking up.

Champ re-emerged from the kitchen and set the Tonka package on the dining table. He had a screw driver and a knife. “Why do they make these so fucking hard to get into?” He asked in frustration. 

 

The family opened the rest of their gifts; Waverly got Darren and Champ a pair of fleecy, warm pjs to wear to bed. Champ got Waverly a skimpy negligee. When Nicole saw it, her face fell dead and she looked away as Waverly thanked him. Her stomach rolled as she tried not to imagine where that was going. After presents, Waverly cuddled up next to Champ on the couch with Darren in her lap as Champ read “The Night Before Christmas.” Nicole sat in the chair across from them and felt like a fourth wheel on one of those awkward, three-wheeled cars. 

“Alright, it’s time for one little man to go to bed.” Waverly announced when the story was over. 

“Babe, I think ‘Christmas Vacation’ is on TV. Do you mind if I put that on while you’re putting him to bed?” Champ was already pointing the remote at the TV to turn it on. “Do you want to watch with me?” He asked Nicole.

Waverly was standing up, shuffling Darren off toward his room. “Nicole.” Waverly looked back at her. “Do you want,” she gestured with her head, “to help me put Darren to bed?” 

“Sure.” Nicole replied and followed Waverly out of the living room. 

As Waverly got Darren in a clean diaper and his new pjs, Nicole studied the books on Darren’s shelf. She didn’t know most of them, except for “The Little Engine That Could.” It even had the same pictures as the one she had when she was little. She picked up the book and thumbed through it. 

“My Aunt Gus gave that to us as a part of my baby shower gift. She said it was one of her favorites when she was little.” Waverly looked around Nicole’s shoulder. Darren was on the floor pushing his yellow truck around.

“Yeah, I had a copy when I was a kid. It looked exactly like this.” Nicole held out the book so Waverly could see it better.

“Do you want to read it to him as I nurse?” 

“Um.” Nicole’s mind instantly derailed. 

“I think he’d like it.” Then Waverly turned her attention to Darren. “Baby boy, would you like Nini to read you a night-night story?” 

Darren nodded his head vigorously and lifted his arms for Waverly to pick him up. He still had the Matchbox truck clutched in his hand.

“Sweetie, you need to put the truck down. No toys while nursing.” 

A huge pout dripped from his face. “Lellow druck.” His bottom lip popped out.

“You can play with it in the morning.” Said Waverly, as she waited for Darren to put down the toy. 

He held the truck in both of his little hands. A big crocodile tear spilled from one eye. 

“Darren, it’s bedtime. No trucks in bed or while nursing. It will be there in the morning.”

Nicole kneeled down next to Darren. “May I hold your truck while you get ready for bed?” She held out her hand. It worked in the store, maybe it would work here, she thought. He looked back at her with so much distrust. “I promise I won’t take it. I’ll put it right here on your shelf so you can see it while you are sleeping.” Nicole pointed at a book shelf across from his crib.

A second tear spilled down as he handed the truck to Nicole. “Lellow druck.” 

“Yes, it’s an awesome yellow truck. I’ll put it right here.” She set the truck down on the shelf. Waverly picked up Darren and walked over the rocking chair. Nicole quickly grabbed the story book to give herself something else to look at, as Waverly settled into the chair and lifted her shirt. 

From her peripheral vision, Nicole could tell Waverly was doing something to her bra, but she forced herself to keep her eyes on the book and began reading. 

When the story was finished, Nicole looked up. Darren was draped across Waverly’s lap, his head resting in her elbow and she held his bottom in her other hand. Her shirt was bunched up over his head and his little hand was resting on the top of Waverly’s breast. 

“I think he’s almost asleep.” Waverly whispered. “Do you want to see?”

Nicole felt a little flustered. Yes, she wanted to see, but she didn’t want to invade Waverly’s privacy. 

“Come here.” Said Waverly, gently.

Nicole put the book back on the shelf and tentatively walked over to the rocking chair. She stood back a bit and peered down at them. Darren had all of Waverly’s areola in his mouth. His jaw was working slightly as he pulled on her breast. His eyes were closed and his tiny fist jerked a little when Waverly shifted in her seat. 

“Nicole,” there was a slight rebuke in Waverly’s voice, “it’s really ok. You can come closer. I won’t bite.” She smiled up at Nicole. “You were asking questions about nursing before. Now’s a chance for you to see it.”

Nicole looked back at Darren’s head, his little jaw moving in coordination with his swallowing. She knelt down at Waverly’s side and really watched.

Darren’s pace was a little irregular, but every time he opened his mouth wide, the edge of his tongue slipped out between his bottom lip and Waverly’s breast and pulled back in as he closed his mouth. The cycle ended with his swallow. It was a jaw-tongue-pull and swallow pattern. His breathing was starting to stretch out as the nursing slowed. Nicole placed her hand on the back of his head and felt the gentle curls press softly into her palm. 

Darren made three quick pulls at Waverly’s breast and then a little smile broke out around her nipple.

“God, Waverly. He’s beautiful.” Nicole whispered, not taking her eyes from Darren.

“Yeah.” Waverly breathed out. “I love it when he smiles while nursing. I think he’s dreaming.” She paused a moment, then added, “He’s responding to your touch.” 

Nicole’s smile turned into a soft, incredulous laugh. “Yeah?” She brushed her hand along his hair again, and in response Darren pulled more vigorously at Waverly breast. “Can you feel that?”

“A little. He’s slowing down, that’s how I know he’s almost asleep.”

Nicole studied the small curve of his nose which rested against the side of Waverly’s breast. It ended like a cliff at the plane of his cheek, which hollowed out with each pull of his strong jaw. 

“This is really incredible. Thank you.” Nicole said quietly, still holding the back of his head. She could feel the pulls of his nursing in the jaw muscles attached around his ear. She didn’t want to move her hand for fear of waking him up. His nursing had slowed to a forgotten pace. 

Darren’s fist started to relax and his eye lids fluttered. He gave three quick chews, not even pulls, and then released Waverly’s nipple. A tiny amount of milk dripped down from his lips as he closed his mouth. Waverly shifted him gently and pulled the flap of her bra up over her breast, putting it away. 

She stood with Darren asleep in her arms and Nicole leaned back to give her space. Waverly placed him gently in his crib. From between the slats, Nicole could see his mouth move as if he was still nursing; his fist clenched, then relaxed, and he settled into sleep. 

Nicole slowly rose and stood next to Waverly at the crib. They both silently watched the sleeping boy.

“He looks like an angel when he’s sleeping.” Waverly’s soft voice drifted over to Nicole.

“He looks like you.” Nicole said and she turned to face Waverly. Waverly continued to stare down at her son, but the smile that spread out across her face was pure gold.

 

On Christmas day, Nicole slept in. She got breakfast at the hotel and then watched a program about the “real Jesus” on the History Channel. After falling asleep in the middle of “A Christmas Story,” Nicole decided to kick her own ass and head out to D.C. This was ostensibly the reason X bought her the plane ticket; she should really go and see it.

Nicole took a Metro train into the city. The car she was on was almost empty and surprisingly clean. She took a seat next to the window and watched the Northern Virginia suburbs roll by. Her eyes tracked house after house, window after window, and she wondered what was happening behind their walls. Were there children excited to play with new toys? Newly weds making love for their first Christmas together? Older couples sitting in a shared and comfortable silence as they read? Her mind drifted to Waverly and how Nicole would want to spend a Christmas with her? Probably all of the above, if she was being honest. 

The Metro car entered a tunnel cutting off her view and train of thought. The darkness of the tunnel caused her reflection to pop out on the window. Nicole didn’t recognize herself. It was Christmas, she should be happy, but her reflection told her the opposite was true. 

When the train stopped at the Smithsonian station, Nicole stepped off. She made her way to the National Mall exit and rode the steep escalator up into the full daylight outside. Nicole shielded her eyes as she emerged onto the Mall. A wide, mostly green lawn stretched out in both directions. As she cleared the Metro entrance, Nicole saw the Capital building standing at the end of the Mall. On one side was the Smithsonian Castle, and the other was the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. Behind her was the Washington Monument. She spun around looking at all the famous buildings surrounding her. Her mind was also spinning as she thought that in nine months this would be her new home. 

She started walking down the gravel path that lined the Mall toward the Capital. The sky was clear, and a few white, fluffy clouds dotted the horizon. The air was cold, but crisp, not biting. She took a deep breath and let it go as she started to walk the path. 

There were a few joggers on the path, a couple other tourists who, like her, probably had nothing else better to do on Christmas Day when all the museums were closed. She started to walk with more purpose. She would do a couple laps of the Mall, get some exercise and fresh air. 

The corners and pillars of white marble came into clearer focus as she walked closer to the Capital. A large Christmas tree stood before the building, and Nicole wondered if that posed a problem for the separation of church and state. Then Nicole wondered if the Capital was open. She guessed so, the government didn’t stop on Christmas. But she assumed it would be closed to tourists. She wondered if she would be allowed to climb the front wide steps or would there be security in place to stop her before she got too close. 

Before she got all the way to the Capital, Nicole turned off to walk toward the National Gallery of Art. That building was almost as impressive as the Capital itself with its Grecian pillars, marbled steps, and domed roof. 

This was her new home. The thought struck her; it wasn’t pleasant or unpleasant, but it hit hard. New home. She wanted to be unconditionally excited to be surrounded by these impressive buildings, to be living in a place that others visit on vacation, but her first thought was: am I making a mistake? She thought of X, and then of Waverly. 

Her stomach turned as her mind unrelentingly brought up images of Waverly in her new negligee making love to Champ. 

She shook her head and tried to clear her brain. Walking toward her was a family of four. Propped up on the father’s shoulders was a small boy. Between the husband and wife, an older girl was skipping. The girl wore the biggest smile as she was singing “Jingle Bells” at the top of her lungs. 

Nicole shared a smile with the parents as she passed them, but a sting of jealousy hit her as they cleared her field of view. She could hear the girl repeating the same verse of the song as she continued to sing. 

Nicole wanted that. She wanted a family with whom to wander the Mall on Christmas, singing carols and not caring who hears. 

Again, her mind ran back to Waverly. She would walk with Waverly, holding her hand and singing carols. Darren would be running ahead of them, or maybe between them swinging from their hands. The picture of them as a family hit hard, too.

This wasn’t her family. This was Champ’s. And the stupid prick was wasting it watching TV and posturing like a damn peacock. 

She approached the intersection of 14th Street. Before her, the obelisk of the Washington Monument rose up and towered over her. When she got across the street, she decided to call X and see what he was up to before he had to go on duty. 

Nicole followed a path that wrapped around the monument toward the White House and dialed X. 

“Hey girly, Merry Christmas.” Said X, as he answered his phone. “How’s D.C.?”

“Great.” Said Nicole. 

“What’s up?” His voice was unconvinced.

“How can I say one word and you assume the worst?” Accused Nicole. “I just said I was great.”

“Well you don’t sound great. And when you are great, you never say that.” He paused. “You’ll say you’re ‘awesome’ or ‘cool.’ But you only say you’re great when something’s wrong.”

“Fucking police officer.” Nicole muttered under her breath.

“Hey, this isn’t because I’m cop, it’s because I know you so well.” He stopped again and Nicole could almost hear the smirk growing across his face. “Too well.”

“Fuck off.” She spun around to look up at the top of the monument. She shielded her eyes from the sun. 

“So, what’s up?” X asked again.

“I miss you. What are you doing?” Nicole tried.

“I’m working on a one thousand piece puzzle.”

“Wait, you’re still doing that without me?” Nicole asked, genuinely surprised.

“It’s our tradition.” Said X.

“But I’m not there.”

“It’s still tradition.”

This made Nicole smile. X was at home continuing the tradition they created together. 

“That’s awesome.” Nicole grinned.

“See, you say ‘awesome’ when you’re happy.” Said X.

“Fucker.”

“So what’s up?” X tried again.

“Waverly’s married.”

“You knew that before.”

“I know.”

“So what’s different?”

“I love her.”

“You knew that, too.”

“Asshole, I’m trying to explain.”

“So tell me.”

“She should be with me.” The truth spilled out. Nicole paused as she realized what she said. Then she took a breath and pressed on. “I would be so much better for her. Her husband is a dick.”

“That’s not up to you.”

“I know.” Then under her breath, she muttered again, “I know.”

 

The next morning Nicole sat in her rental allowing it to warm up. She was going to pick up Waverly and Darren to take them to the Air and Space Museum Annex out by Dulles Airport. During her brief research into the museum, she found out that the space shuttle was actually located at the annex. This worked out for Nicole because the annex was much closer to Waverly’s apartment than the downtown museum she passed on her walk through the Mall. It also had a huge parking lot, which also made it easier than D.C. 

As the car warmed, Nicole looked back in the rear view mirror and Darren’s car seat base caught her eye. This was their last day together, Nicole was flying back the next day, so she would have to remember to give the car seat back to Waverly at the end of their outing. The plastic base strapped into the back seat made Nicole smile. She briefly considered asking Waverly if she should get one for her car when she moved to town. A part of her almost itched to go back to Target and wander the baby section finding things to make Darren safe and comfortable in her non-existent D.C. apartment. She wanted a car seat base in her car. She wanted to need it, and what that would mean.

Nicole leaned over and rested her head on the steering wheel and took several deep breaths. She was about to pick up Waverly. What she really needed was to pull herself back together. Waverly was a friend. She was only a friend and one that lived half way across the country from her. She was a friend who had her own family, her own obligations, her own completely separate life…

That thought tore through her stomach. Ever since she met Waverly back in the hospital, Nicole had been comparing everyone else to her. Waverly was the standard to which all other girlfriends failed to measure up. Their hair wasn’t long enough, their smile not bright enough, their touch not as gentle or caring, their voice not as comforting. On every dance floor in every gay bar, Nicole sought out her Waverly. She’d catch a glimpse of a shorter woman with long brown hair and her chest would tighten in hope. But then the woman would turn around, and she was never Waverly. 

It got to the point that Waverly became a ghost haunting her relationships, dismantling them before they even had a chance to really start. She was an ideal and not even real.

But this was harder.

This Waverly was real. This “car seat carrying,” “nursing mother,” “slightly frantic,” “trying to do the best she could for her child” Waverly was very real. And very much not hers. 

And for a moment, Nicole questioned her decision to send out that first Facebook friend request to Waverly. In that moment, she was struck not only by its finality, killing off the ghost and bringing her to this very moment, but also by its beginning. Nicole realized she would never be the same. 

Nicole glanced at the back seat and tried to picture it without the base. She nodded her head slightly and built up her courage. She had to be ok with it. There was no other option. 

Nicole shifted the car into reverse and place her hand on the passenger side headrest. She twisted her body to look out the back window, and chose not to look down at the base. Nicole surveyed the parking lot and slowly pulled out of her spot. She was running late to get Waverly.

At Waverly’s apartment, Nicole still jumped out of the car to help her with Darren. She took the diaper bag from Waverly as she set Darren’s car seat down into the base. Before Waverly had time to finish with Darren, Nicole walked around to the other side of the car, placing the diaper bag in the backseat next to Darren. 

Instead of looking at Waverly, she looked at Darren. “Hey buddy, how’s it going? You have a good Christmas?”

Darren held up the small matchbox car in his hand. “Lellow druck.” He announced.

“That’s right. That’s a cool yellow truck.” If she smiled down at Darren, she didn’t have to look over at Waverly. “You ready to go to a really cool museum? They have planes and helicopters, and even a space shuttle.” 

“Panes.” Was Darren’s answer. Nicole took that to mean he was ready. She glanced over at Waverly; she was standing in the door of the back seat. 

“Is it ok to keep the diaper bag back here?” Nicole asked. Waverly nodded her head.

They both climbed into the front seats and as Nicole got settled, Waverly reached out and tried to give her a hug. 

“Merry Christmas,” she said with a bright smile as she wrapped both arms around Nicole’s neck. 

Nicole resisted the hug a little, giving a one-armed hug back with a tentative tap on Waverly’s shoulder. Nicole tried to ignore the slightly hurt look on Waverly’s face as she pulled back from the embrace. 

“How was your Christmas?” Waverly asked. She still looked concerned. 

“Quiet. I walked around the Mall and had dinner at a really nice Chinese place.” Nicole pushed herself to continue. “How was yours?”

“It was nice. I think that little matchbox car was the real hit of the holiday, though. That’s Darren’s new favorite.”

Nicole smiled at this. “Thanks. I’m glad he liked it. It was kind of an impulse buy.”

“You know,” Waverly said, her features starting to relax. “I often find that it’s the tiny, silly things I get for him, that he loves the most. The big toys that I think he’ll go crazy over only keep his attention for a short time, but it’s little things, like that truck,” she gestured back at Darren. “that he won’t put down.” 

“Isn’t that the joke? You buy a big gift for a child, and then all they want to do is play with the box.” Said Nicole.

“That is so true.” She said through her laughter, then placed her hand on Nicole’s upper arm.

Nicole flashed her a quick smile, but pulled back from the touch. Nicole cleared her throat. “You ready to get going?”

A little frown of worry creased Waverly’s brow as she nodded.

At the museum, Waverly transferred some of the contents of her diaper bag into a smaller, lighter string backpack. Nicole offered to carry Darren through the parking lot. Once inside the building, the whole museum opened up before them as a giant airplane hanger. From the ceiling, a dozen different stunt planes and smaller military aircraft were suspended. In front of them was the nose of a surprisingly long stealth bomber, and off to the right was an entire wing of helicopters. 

The building was literally dripping with vehicles. While holding Waverly’s hand, Darren yelled out “look” a dozen times as he pointed to different things he saw with his yellow truck. His whole body was vibrating with excitement. 

They made their way down the long ramp to the bottom of the hanger and started with the helicopters. Nicole tried to teach Darren to say helicopter.

“Hey cop.” He repeated and blew a wet raspberry trying to mimic the sound of an engine.

“Oh Darren. Please don’t spit.” Waverly said as she wiped his mouth. Darren tried to pull out of her grasp. 

“No.” He scowled and pointed at Waverly. She just rolled her eyes and finished wiping him.

Nicole turned away from them to hide her laugh. She couldn’t get over how much Darren looked like Waverly.

Next, they walked over to the space wing and Nicole was blown away by how large the space shuttle truly was. The vehicle dominated the entire room. There was a rope barrier that kept visitors from walking under it, but otherwise it was completely accessible. 

“Woah” Nicole said in a deep reverence. 

Darren’s little boy voice repeated his own. “Woah.”

Nicole couldn’t stop herself from laughing that time. Darren was so damn adorable, and she loved that he was enjoying himself so much. 

“You guys are pretty cute together. It makes me happy to see how well you get along.” Said Waverly.

Nicole looked over at her and smiled. “Yeah?” 

Waverly just nodded her head, confidently. 

“Do you think he’d like it if I put him up on my shoulders?”

“I think he’d love it.” She laughed lightly. 

Nicole kneeled down next to Darren. “Do you want a ride on my shoulders?”

He chirped out a happy, “yeah,” and jumped around. 

“Ok,” said Waverly. “But first we have to put away the truck.” 

Darren’s face fell immediately. “No.”

“Yes.” Insisted Waverly.

Nicole leaned closer to Waverly and spoke quietly, “It’s ok if he has the truck. I don’t mind.”

“Nicole,” Waverly spoke with her mom-voice, “if he has the truck, he’ll try to drive it around and get it tangled in your hair. Or he’ll bang it on your head. No trucks. That’s the rule.” She looked down at Darren. “If he wants a ride, he has to put away the truck.” She said with finality.

Darren huffed out a frown as he held out his hand resolutely. When Waverly took the toy, his frown deepened, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Who wants a shoulder ride?” Nicole asked, hoping to distract him.

His face instantly brightened. “Me.” He yelled and held up his hands. 

As Nicole lifted Darren over her head, Waverly put her hand on Nicole’s lower back. “Careful. I hope he doesn’t hurt your back.” She said. 

“I’m fine. I got this.” Nicole laughed out. Darren settled onto her shoulders and Nicole took a firm grasp of his legs hanging down her chest. “Does he look ok up there?” She turned slightly, testing out Darren’s weight and giving Waverly a better view. 

“He looks happy as a clam.” She replied, smirking and shaking her head, then she patted Nicole’s shoulder. “Let’s go, you two.” 

They started to circle around the shuttle. Waverly kept her hand on Nicole’s back as they walked. Nicole suspected that Waverly just wanted a hand close to Darren, just in case, but Nicole was a little upset with herself at how good it felt to have Waverly’s fingers playing along her back. Nicole’s thoughts kept jumping to the family walking and singing along the Mall. 

That’s what this felt like. Family.

Nicole laughed as Darren tried to imitate the sound she made of the shuttle taking off. He heaved out a very loud “SHHHHHHH,” and griped her head with his little hands. 

When they completed their loop of the space wing, Waverly offered to help get Darren off of her shoulders. Nicole slowly, carefully, knelt down and allowed Waverly to lift Darren off from behind. 

“I bet we could all use a little break. I saw a McDonalds near the entrance, do you want to stop in there and get a snack?” Waverly asked. 

McDonalds didn’t sound that appealing, and Nicole was a little surprised that Waverly suggested it. “Are you sure? We could head out and find a more interesting place to eat, if you want?”

“Actually, McDonalds is probably the easiest. It’s here and he’ll eat a bit of hamburger.” Said Waverly.

“Fine.” Nicole replied, trying to hide her disappointment. 

They walked up to the restaurant, and along the way Darren started to get fussy. He didn’t want to walk, but he also didn’t want to be carried. 

“Good timing for the break.” Nicole said as Waverly worked to keep the squirming Darren in her arms. 

Waverly gave her an exasperated look that said, I know. 

Once inside, Nicole said she wasn’t hungry and would get them a table. Waverly carried Darren to the checkout line. 

Nicole took over a small table with benches for seats. There was a row of free high chairs nearby, and Nicole grabbed one and rolled it over to the end of the table. 

Waverly walked back with Darren in one arm and a small paper bag in the other. She sat down and before placing Darren in the high chair, she reached into her backpack and pulled out a package of baby wipes. Then Waverly wiped down not only the high chair, but also the table within reach of the chair. She placed Darren in the seat and then used another wipe to clean both of their hands. Waverly turned on the bench to look back at Nicole sitting next to her. 

“Would you like a wipe for your hands?” She offered the pack to Nicole. 

“No thanks.” Nicole watched Waverly go through a routine of cleaning, before opening the wrap around the hamburger. Darren didn’t seem to mind the cleaning. He was watching the burger on the table.

When Waverly opened it up, it was just a plain burger, no condiments or cheese. She removed the bun and tore off a little bite of burger and handed it to Darren. He eagerly stuffed it in his mouth. 

“Be sure sure to chew it up well.” Waverly said. Darren didn’t seem to hear and instead held out his hand, demanding more. Waverly tore off another small bite. 

The scent of the burger drifted back to Nicole, and she was surprised by how good it smelled. It had been a long time since she’d eaten at McDonalds and was annoyed that her stomach started to growl in protest. It was becoming just as demanding as Darren.

Waverly tore off a slightly bigger bite and placed it in her mouth, then went back to feeding Darren. They were so cute together, sharing a hamburger. Waverly seemingly anticipated Darren’s needs, and he gave her grateful smiles every time she handed him another tiny bite. 

Even stronger than her urge to take a bite of the burger, Nicole felt a different and overwhelming desire to straddle the bench and spoon in next to Waverly. She wanted to watch her feed Darren from over her shoulder. She wanted to wrap her arms around Waverly’s waist and rest her chin on Waverly’s shoulder. 

She held her breath as she tried to imagine how Waverly would react. Would she lean back into Nicole? Would she moan out a little welcoming noise…

Nicole cut off her thoughts. She jumped up and said she was going to visit the gift shop while they finished their meal. 

“Is everything ok?” Waverly said, looking over her shoulder at Nicole. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just not a big fan of McDonalds. But take your time. Don’t rush.” Nicole waved off, as she started walking toward the gift shop. 

Inside the shop, Nicole let out a deep groan. She looked around the shop as she tried to steady her breathing. 

Fuck, this was hard. 

She took in and then released a deep breath. She looked back through the gift shop door into the McDonalds. Waverly and Darren were still sitting at the table with Waverly’s back to Nicole. She watched them through the glass. Somehow, the separation made it easier to stomach. 

When Waverly stood up and began cleaning her trash, Nicole walked back in.

“Good timing. Find anything you want?” Waverly asked. 

“Yep, but nothing I can have.” Nicole said flippantly. 

Waverly turned to give her a confused look.

“Everything’s too expensive.” Nicole clarified. 

“I know, those museum shops are a total ripoff.” Waverly agreed and turned back to finish picking up her things. “I thought I saw a nursing station by the bathrooms, do you want to join me as nurse him a little?” She asked. Waverly picked up Darren and faced Nicole with a hopeful smile. 

“That’s ok. I’ll just wait here.” Nicole said. 

Waverly’s smile fell. “What’s wrong? Did I say something, or do something to upset you?”

Nicole shook her head. “No.”

“Because you’ve been acting weird all day. I don’t understand.”

“I just want to give you some privacy.” Nicole backtracked.

“Nicole, if I didn’t want you in there, I wouldn’t have invited you.” She said sternly and shifted Darren to her other hip. “Whatever.” And she walked off to the nursing room. 

Nicole sat down at the table and picked up the small paper bag with Waverly’s trash inside. She bunched it up into a tight ball and squeezed it. Then she plopped her elbow on the table, rested her chin in her hand, and smushed the paper bag into the table as she waited for Waverly to return. 

 

It didn’t take long for Waverly to finish, and when she walked back, she immediately apologized.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to come and watch me. I guess that’s a little weird. It just felt really nice to share that with you on Christmas Eve. Felt like old times a little.” 

Nicole shook her head. “Waves, I’m sorry. It’s totally me. I’m just a head-case today.” She let out a soft breath. “Christmas Eve was really special. More than you know. I just don’t want to intrude on your family time.” 

“Nicole. It’s just nursing. It’s not a big deal.”

 

Driving back to Waverly’s apartment, their conversation was easy again. It didn’t feel like they were approaching another goodbye. Darren babbled in the back seat, Waverly joked about her her busy schedule for the next two weeks, and Nicole gripped the steering wheel as she listened to Waverly, feeling like she was a part of something bigger. She wanted the drive to last forever. For the first time in her life, Nicole was disappointed that there was no traffic. 

Pulling into the parking space outside of Waverly’s apartment felt like Nicole was holding the end of a super sticky bandaid. Millimeter by painful millimeter, the bandaid was being pulled off. First the car doors opened, then Darren was lifted out and set on the sidewalk. Nicole stooped down next to the boy. He held his yellow truck. Nicole rested her hand on Darren’s foot and watched Waverly gather the rest of her things from Nicole’s rental car. 

Out came the car seat base. The bandaid was pulled.   
The diaper bag was set aside. Another tug.

Waverly leaned over to pick up something from the floor and then closed the door. She turned to face Nicole, who rose to stand up.

This was goodbye.

Nicole couldn’t move. She wanted to wrap her arms around Waverly and not let go. She wanted to move: here, now, today. She wanted to scream out how much she loved this woman. 

She was frozen.

Waverly walked over, gave her a quick hug, and told her to have a safe flight. She picked up Darren, walked back into her building, and was gone. 

Nicole was left with the red, itchy welt of the metaphoric bandaid haunting her skin. 

 

 

1993:

Nicole woke up to the sound of Waverly moving about their room. She rolled her head to the side and slowly opened her eyes. Waverly was facing her desk and pulling up a short skirt. Her long, thin legs were on full display. Nicole slammed her eyes shut again, but the image was there, burned into her mind: perfectly muscled and stunning. Nicole noisily rolled away from her to let Waverly know she was waking up.

“Hey, you need to get up if we’re going to have time to get ready again today.” Waverly’s voice drifted over.

“Huh?” Nicole’s throat felt thick and croaky. She tried clearing it.

“We’re doing another makeover today, right?”

Nicole groaned again, but her mind quickly raced to the memories of Waverly touching her cheeks and sitting in her lap. The warmth of her attention was something that set Nicole’s mind reeling. “Fine.” She grumbled out, trying to play cool.

“That’s the spirit. I’ll be out in a minute, then you can have the room to change.” 

Nicole listened to the sounds of Waverly shifting about the room and tried to visualize what she was doing. 

“Room’s yours.” Waverly said before Nicole heard the door to their room click shut. 

Nicole sat up and pushed the covers down. The room was slightly cold and her pjs, sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt, were pleasantly soft and warmed by her body. She really didn’t want to change out of them for anything, but definitely not to put on the hideous blue dress that was in her dresser drawer waiting for her like fate. 

Her stomach clenched down. Susan would be on the unit today, and she wanted to see her in a dress. Level 3 was in the balance, the movie, the Walkman, Waverly… Nicole sat forward and dropped her head in her hands. She couldn’t do it. Not today, not with Susan. She could only image what fresh hell Susan would bring into the mix. If she thought about it enough, she wondered if she could make herself throw up. Susan couldn’t expect her to wear a dress if she was sick. Maybe Susan was sick, maybe she wouldn’t be at work today. It happens. 

Nicole’s stomach turned again. Yes, this is good, keep turning, she thought. Nicole tried to visualize the most disgusting things she could think of. But that actually settled her stomach. Nicole laughed to herself, the thought of mangled up bodies was more pleasing to her than the thought of wearing that stupid dress.

She let out a huff of air and flopped back in her bed. She pulled up the covers and closed her eyes. 

“Hey!” Yelled Waverly, startling Nicole back awake. “I told you it’s time to get up.”

Nicole groaned again.

“Nicole. Get up. I’m serous. Susan wants to see you.”

Under the covers, Nicole curled up into a ball. She closed her eyes and wished everything would go away. Even Waverly.

“I can’t do it. Not with Susan.” She mumbled.

“What was that?”

Nicole turned her head to face Waverly but kept her eyes closed. “I can’t do it. I can’t do this for Susan.” She took a long breath. “I can’t face her in a dress. It’s hard enough in clothes that I like.”

“Can you do it for me?”

“Waverly.” Nicole paused to think about what she wanted to say. “This isn’t about you. It’s about Susan always telling me what to do and what to wear. That everything I like is wrong and what she likes is right. I can’t face that in a dress on top of everything else.” Nicole’s stomach turned again.

Waverly sat down on her bed. She looked disappointed. “What if we did the makeup with your regular clothes?”

“I’m not doing it. I’ll just face the consequences.” She sat up and got out of her bed. Ripping open her bottom drawer, she pulled out a t-shirt, jeans and flannel shirt. Nicole looked over her shoulder, but Waverly was staring at the spot on her bed where Nicole had been sitting. She lifted off her sleep shirt and grabbed her sports bra. As she quickly got dressed, Nicole wondered if Waverly was looking at her body the way she looked at Waverly’s. Not that it mattered, she was going to blow it all to hell. She was done. 

Nicole stormed out of the room. 

When she finished in the bathroom, Nicole took a seat on one of couches in the A wing. Susan wasn’t there, so she must have been supervising the B wing. Nicole was grateful for the delay in facing the consequences. Her stomach settled a bit. 

Wynonna walked out of her room. She looked very surly, still in her pjs and her hair a mop hanging around her shoulders. Instead of heading to a bathroom, though, she looked around the wing and then sat down next to Nicole. 

“Cherry Coke.” She greeted Nicole. “How’s Waverly this morning?” Her blue eyes were piercing, but not like Susan’s. Instead, it was like she could look right into Nicole’s soul and read everything about her.

“I don’t know. She seemed a little miffed that I wouldn’t wear a dress this morning. She wanted to do another makeover on me.” Nicole looked away from Wynonna.

“That sounds like Waverly. Did she say anything to you about me?”

Nicole shook her head. “Why?” She glanced back at Wynonna.

“Nothing.” She scowled. 

“What’s going on?” Nicole asked, pointedly. She was fed up with the bullshit.

Wynonna gave her a long, hard stare, apparently trying to make up her mind about something. 

“You like her, don’t you?”

The question threw Nicole for a loop. “What?” Panic began to rise in her chest.

“She trusts you; you’re pretty good friends. I can see it.”

“I think so.” Nicole wasn’t sure where this was going.

“Did she tell you I’m leaving today?”

“Today?” Nicole pulled back. “I mean, no.” 

“Yeah.” Wynonna bit her lips together, then popped them, nodding her head. “Did she tell you where I’m going?” 

Nicole nodded her head, afraid to say the words out loud. The state hospital.

“I need to ask you a favor.”

“What’s that?”

“I need you to look out for her. Make sure she’s ok.” Wynonna stared off into the distance. “I won’t be able to do that anymore and I don’t want her following me to the looney bin.” She looked down at her hands. “She followed me here, and I can’t let her follow me there.” She sat still for a moment. “Everyone thinks I’m nuts, and that’s fine. Whatever, I can take care of myself. But she can’t go there, too. She has to be the normal one.”

“Wynonna…” 

“Nicole.” Wynonna saying her name caused Nicole to stop. “This is important. She’ll want to go running head long after me, and you can’t let her.” She gave her another long stare. “Promise me.”

“Ok.”

Wynonna nodded and bit her bottom lip.

“Do you know where you’re going?” Nicole stopped. She still didn’t want to say it. “Like which one?”

Wynonna shook her head. “They said something, but I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Wait a minute.” Nicole stood up and walked back to her room. Inside, she saw that Waverly was still sitting in the same position that she left her in. Her heart dropped into her stomach. Nicole grabbed her journal from her desk and walked back out onto the wing. Waverly didn’t even blink. 

Nicole sat back down next to Wynonna and quickly wrote out her name, phone number, and address. She tore the page from the journal and handed it to Wynonna. 

“I’m not sure if we’re supposed to do this, but this way you can reach out to me wherever you get settled.”

Wynonna looked down at the paper. “Thanks.” She read through it. “Hey wait a minute. You’re name is Haught? Like hot?” She looked back up at Nicole. “I could have been using a world of hot related jokes all this time, and you let me just make fun of your hair?” A devilish grin broke out across her face. “I can’t wait to tell Waverly.”

Nicole couldn’t help but smile back, shaking her head. 

 

When she walked back into their room, Nicole saw Waverly was still sitting on her bed, but this time she looked up and met Nicole’s eyes. She looked haunted and Nicole thought about her promise to Wynonna. 

“Look, Waverly. I’m sorry about before. I was scared. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Waverly just shook her head and focused on the floor. “No, it’s my fault for pushing. It’s not my place. It’s stupid, but I kinda liked doing your makeup yesterday. It felt normal, like we weren’t in the hospital, just a couple girls at a sleepover.”

“This is one hell of a sleepover.” 

A small laugh escaped Waverly’s mouth, and it melted through Nicole.

“Hey, is it too late for a makeover?” Nicole tossed out.

“You don’t need to do that. You look better without makeup.”

Her words melted her further, but Nicole walked over and sat down next to Waverly. “I’m serious. Level 3.” She shoulder bumped Waverly. “My Walkman.” Another shoulder bump. “Mrs. Doubtfire.” Shoulder bump.

Waverly grinned and put her hand on Nicole’s thigh. “Stop it.” 

A wide smile broke out on Nicole’s face when Waverly looked up at her. “I’m serious. Let’s do this. I’ll keep my normal clothes on, but maybe wearing some makeup will be enough for Susan.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

And there was that smile again. Nicole felt her stomach flip in a very different way.

Waverly hopped up and grabbed her makeup kit. She brought it around to Nicole’s side and set it down on the bed. 

“I was thinking we could do something similar to yesterday, if that’s ok. Or do you want to go really dramatic. I could give you a fierce look.” She drew her fingers up along the bottom of her eyes and around her brows. 

“I don’t know about fierce. But maybe like yesterday.”

Waverly pouted at her.

“Whatever, I’m in your hands.” Nicole said.

Waverly smiled again and looked down at Nicole’s legs. “Knees please.”

Nicole sat on the edge of the bed and brought her knees together. Waverly sat down on the end of her lap, her thighs running back along Nicole’s, and it brought back the image of Waverly getting dressed that morning. Her breath caught in her throat and Nicole tried to figure out where to put her hands. She leaned back to place her hands on the bed behind her. 

“No. I need you to sit up.” Waverly corrected her. 

Nicole sat up and again wrestled with where to put her hands. The most natural place felt like Waverly’s legs. Nicole folded her arms in front of her, then placed them at her hips, then on the bed awkwardly beside her, trying very hard to not touch Waverly’s knees. 

“Will you quit fidgeting and close your eyes.”

“Sorry. I don’t know where to put my hands so they aren’t in your way.”

“Here.” Waverly grabbed her hands and placed them on the side of her thighs. The action caused them both to pause. Nicole was sure her heart stopped.

Then Waverly spoke up. “Is that ok?”

Nicole nodded without looking at her. She stared at her hands on Waverly’s thighs. She felt her hands start to shake and a deep burning grow in her stomach. Nicole closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing as Waverly leaned over to get something out of her kit. 

She heard the click of a compact, then felt Waverly’s warm fingers wrap around one side of her jaw. Nicole’s stomach just about dropped out of her. The fingers were just as soft as yesterday, but this time they were more confident. They held her more securely and Waverly’s thumb ran lightly over her cheek. She gripped Waverly’s legs a little harder as she felt the pad brush across her forehead. 

Waverly lifted her head slightly. “You know, you really have beautiful skin. You don’t need any makeup.” Her words were as soft as her thumb tracing a small circle on Nicole’s cheek.

Nicole swallowed. Hard.

The hand left her jaw and she felt Waverly trace out her eye brows. The motion cause goosebumps to climb up her back and over her neck. 

“I love your eyes. I wish I had brows as curved as yours.” 

Nicole’s hands were shaking. She wasn’t sure if she should take them off of Waverly’s lap. 

“I’m going to put on a little liner and eyeshadow. Ok?”

Nicole nodded. Waverly could do whatever she wanted. Nicole couldn’t even remember why she didn’t want the makeover in the first place.

She felt the brush run over her eyelid and she flinched a bit.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah.” Nicole squeaked out. She heard Waverly giggle.

“You sure?”

“Uh huh.” Nicole laughed. The brush ran along her other eyelid.

“Look up for me.” Waverly said, leaning over to get something else from her kit. She placed her hand around Nicole’s upper arm for balance. She used Nicole’s arm to pull herself back up. Nicole opened her eyes. When she was sitting squarely in Nicole’s lap, Waverly looked at her, and Nicole would swear there was a slight blush on her cheeks. Nicole ran her thumbs slightly over her thighs, and Waverly immediately dropped her gaze. The blush deepened.

Waverly cleared her throat. “Look up.” 

Nicole did as she was told, feeling her whole body seemingly expand. She ran her thumbs back down.

“Hold still.” 

Nicole felt the pencil trace out the bottom of one eye, then the next.

“Close your eyes; I put it on a bit heavy.”

Nicole closed her eyes and she felt Waverly hold the sides of her face in her palms. Waverly’s thumbs traced out the bottom of her eyes gently. 

Her hands slid down to Nicole’s jaw and held her steady. Nicole assumed that Waverly was studying her work until she felt the soft pressure of Waverly’s lips against hers. The sensation shocked her and she gripped the thighs in front of her tightly. Nicole held her breath as she felt the lips pull away. She held perfectly still, hoping the lips would return.

She felt the warm pressure again, more sure. Nicole leaned in to kiss her back. She felt the smooth edge of Waverly’s cheek press in, and the bottom of Nicole’s world dropped out from under her.

Nothing else existed.

Waverly pulled back. Nicole slowly opened her eyes and looked into Waverly’s.

“Wow.”

She wasn’t sure who said it.

Then from the wing, they heard Randy call out, “Girls, you ready in there?”

 

Nicole walked shakily into the dining room, carrying her bowl of cereal. She sat down next to Waverly, but didn’t dare make eye contact with her. X and Jeremy were already finished with their meals. 

“I like your makeup.” Jeremy said, pointing at Nicole. “But you could use some lipstick.” He suggested.

Nicole blushed and looked down at her bowl. “Yeah, I… ran out of time.” She heard Waverly snicker beside her.

“Go team! Right?” Asked Jeremy. 

Nicole looked up at him. “Yeah.” She said a little confused. Just then, she heard someone walk up behind her. 

“Move it, hotcakes.” Wynonna commanded. 

Nicole turned around in her seat to see Wynonna looking down at her, holding a bowl of cereal. She shifted her seat closer to X and away from Waverly, making room for Wynonna. 

“Losers.” She greeted the group as she pulled up a chair from another table. “What are you all talking about?”

“Nicole’s makeup.” Jeremy offered.

Wynonna blew out a raspberry. “Whatever. You’re a bunch of dorks.” She leaned over to shove a large spoonful of cereal in her mouth. “Wuff oo ee oh.” She said around her food.

“Gross, Wy. Close your mouth.” Waverly gave her a side-eye. 

Wynonna grinned and then stuck out her tongue. 

“Real mature.” Waverly said with a shake of her head. X laughed at her. Jeremy looked back and forth between Waverly, Nicole, and Wynonna trying to read the situation. 

“What are you eating?” Wynonna asked again. 

“My usual.” Waverly answered, tilting her bowl toward Wynonna.

“You should complain. They can’t keep serving you ground up brains for breakfast. Don’t they know you’re vegan.”

“Wy! Shut up.” Waverly looked at her fiercely.

Then another voice broke the conversation. “Nicole.” Everyone at the table looked up except for Nicole. She knew that voice and didn’t want to see the face.

“I thought you’d be wearing a dress today.” Susan said from behind her.

Nicole immediately felt her cheeks grow red. For a little while, she was able to forget about Susan, but there she was. She knew if she turned around there would be blue eyes, so cold they hurt.

She gripped her spoon a little tighter as her stomach rolled uneasily.

“I heard you didn’t even wear your skirt yesterday through the end of school. I was really hoping to see more improvement from you.”

“She’s wearing makeup.” Jeremy pointed out.

“Jeremy, I’ll be talking to you later about your improvements, but right now I’m talking to Nicole.” 

Nicole stood up sharply, her chair scraping across the floor. She turned and walked away from Susan and the table without looking at anyone. 

 

When she made it back into her room, she kicked the chest of drawers. Waverly walked in behind her.

“You ok?”

Nicole shot a livid look at her.

“Sorry.” She held up her hands. “What do you want to do?”

“Punch Susan.” The admission surprised both of them. Waverly’s eyes grew wide.

Nicole looked down at the floor. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. That’s kinda sexy.”

A laugh erupted out of Nicole, and Waverly joined her. 

“Seriously, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. What can I do? I have to put on a dress.” Just saying the words out loud felt like a stab to her gut.

“Can I help?”

 

It felt nothing like the makeup. With her jeans still on, Nicole pulled off her t-shirt and quickly pulled the dress on over her head. She could immediately tell that the sleeves were going to be restrictive on her arms. The shoulders were puffed out, while the white lace cuffs of the short sleeves were seemingly sewn onto the side of the dress, limiting her arm’s range of motion. It fit too tight around her chest, but gaped around her breasts. The collar, a white lace “peter pan” style, sat high against the front of her neck and made her gag. She grabbed the collar and pulled it down, away from her neck.

Waverly gently started to button up the back of the dark blue, floral patterned dress. Nicole held the collar in a death grip away from her neck as the dress slowly closed up around her, pulling tight around her armpits. 

“I’m going to leave the last button undone.” Waverly said lightly. “It looks a little tight.”

Standing perfectly still was all Nicole could do to keep her breath. The dress was literally squeezing her lungs off. 

Then Nicole felt a tug at her waist. She tried to look down without choking herself. Waverly was tying the band sewn onto the waist of the dress behind her back.

“I’ll keep the bow loose, too.” Her voice was sympathetic. 

Nicole stood there, staring at the wall, feeling completely tied off by the unforgiving cloth. After several shallow, panicked breaths, she tried to bend over to pull off her jeans. The dress felt like it tightened up around her chest and stomach as she bent over. She stood up quickly, hyperventilating. 

“Hey. It’s ok.” Waverly rubbed her back, but it felt empty. Nicole kept her hands around the collar, tugging it away from her throat. 

“Can I help?” Waverly said softly behind her. When Nicole didn’t answer, she placed her hands on Nicole’s hips. “Ok?” She asked. 

Nicole, concentrating on breathing, slowly nodded her head. She didn’t have the space to think about anything else. 

Waverly lifted the dress to Nicole’s waist and wrapped her arms around to her front. Nicole felt her fingers pull at the button of her jeans. She really wished this felt sexy, but it didn’t. Not in any way. 

She felt the jeans slide down her trembling legs, and Nicole just stood there with the denim piled up around her ankles, her knee caps jumping like popcorn. 

Waverly leaned in, resting her head between Nicole’s shoulder blades. “I’m so sorry.” She mumbled into her back.

 

Nicole shook the entire walk over to the classroom. She clutched at the dress collar, needing both hands to keep it from touching her neck and choking her. She sat down at her desk and stared at the Formica table top of the desk. The dress constricted around her chest. The fake wood grain looking oddly perfect. Pulling at the top of the dress, she traced out a pattern with her eyes. She searched for some deeper meaning in the running, swirling lines. One circled knot could be an eye and the dripping rope of brown next to it could be a melting nose. She kept at least one hand on the the neck line of the dress at all times. Her legs were shaking convulsively, but other than that, she was numb. If she didn’t exist, then none of it existed. 

She just had to keep the dress from touching her neck. 

She wondered absently if she pulled hard enough, would a button pop off? Would a seam tear? The fabric felt as solid as metal, but that didn’t make any sense. How could cloth be that strong. 

She wished she could stop her knees from jumping. But if she thought about it too much, then her hand began to shake as well. She lifted one hand from the collar to see if it was actually shaking, or just a part of her imagination. The fingers vibrated under gaze.

She didn’t eat breakfast. Maybe she should have eaten something. Maybe that’s why her hands her shaking. She placed her hand back over the collar. She should have eaten something. She was probably hungry. She couldn’t feel anything, but empirically, scientifically, she should be hungry. 

She wondered if she could design a science project with Waverly researching hunger when you can’t feel anything. Are you really hungry if you can’t feel it? Is that like the question; if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

That was a stupid question. She liked her question better. If you can’t feel hunger, are you really hungry? 

Just then a dark hand slapped down on her desk, jolting Nicole back to reality. She looked up at X, confused. 

“It’s time to go for lunch.” He said. He looked really worried.

“What?”

“You just sat there. The whole period. Staring at your desk.” 

Nicole looked down at her empty desk. Had she really sat there for three hours? Why didn’t anyone say something? She gave the collar and extra tug, looking for any amount of give in the dress. Shouldn’t it start to stretch out a little?

“Nicole!” X said sharply, and she jerked back again. “Lunch.”

Nicole stood up and followed X, his body breaking the atmosphere before her. She was drafting behind him through the lunch line and then into dining room.

She sat down next to him, still pulling at the neck of the dress.

“Aren’t you going to get something?” He asked.

“I can’t carry it.” She said to the table.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t let go of my dress or it chokes me.”

“Do you want me to get you something?” X asked.

Nicole shook her head as she heard the chair next to her move. Wynonna sat down next to her.

“Red. When do you get to take off that stupid dress? Yesterday, you only had it on until school.”

Nicole tried to shake her head, but the motion made her feel like gagging again. So she she sat still, staring at the table. All she could think about was how the dress tightened down with every breath she took.

After lunch, the staff brought all the kids together in the classroom for a large group meeting. Everyone except Waverly and Wynonna. Nicole tried to settle into a desk chair next to X. She leaned over to ask where the sisters were.

“Waverly is helping Wynonna pack up. She’s leaving today.” He replied.

Then Susan stood up in front of the group. Nicole dropped her eyes to the floor.

“We want to try having a group meeting with the entire unit.” 

Nicole quickly thought about Wynonna’s unit joke, but she could bring herself to laugh. She pulled at the collar.

“We want you all to see that you are each dealing with similar stresses in your life, and that you can all learn from each other.” Susan continued. “We want our level 3s and 4s to lead this group by telling everyone else what you have learned from your experience here at Hope. What steps have helped you the most.” 

A level 4 kid started off the group. He rambled on about being honest in groups during the meetings. Nicole wondered what Waverly was doing. She thought about her promise to Wy to keep her calm and look after her. She couldn’t even look after herself right now. She gave the dress another sharp tug. 

After several minutes, or a half hour, or an hour, Nicole wasn’t sure, Randy broke the conversation in the classroom when he opened the door. 

He cleared his throat in his hand, “Nicole, do you mind joining me for a moment?” He gestured for her to follow him out of the room.

She stood up, pulling down on the neck of the dress and didn’t make eye contact with anyone in the room as she walked out.

When she stepped out into he hall, Randy closed the door behind her. She looked up and in the large foyer between the kitchen and dinning room were two EMTs standing on either side of a tall metal gurney. There were also several adults, most of whom she didn’t know, but Dr. Lucado was standing with them looking over some paper work. Waverly and Wynonna were sitting together on the time out bench, Waverly wrapped up in Wynonna’s arms and silently crying. 

The sight of the EMTs and gurney terrified Nicole, and she immediately felt a cold panic wash down through her body. Why was there a gurney? Was Waverly hurt? 

Then Nicole noticed a straight jacket hanging on the end of the gurney by the pillow. A thought shocked her deeper.

This was for Wynonna. 

This was how she was going to be taken to the state hospital. 

The cold that washed through Nicole’s body settled deep within her bones, and she trembled visibly. 

Randy stepped in next to Nicole and whispered, “Wynonna and Waverly both asked that you be here for her departure. I think they are both hoping you can help keep things calm.”

Nicole nodded, her breath racing. How was she going to keep Waverly calm? Was she allowed to hug her? Would she even be able to while wearing the dress? Did she have time to quickly change out of it? Maybe she could ask Randy if she could change. 

Nicole turned to face Randy, but the question died on her tongue as Dr. Lucado spoke up.

“Wynonna, I think we’re all ready.”

Neither Waverly nor Wynonna moved to acknowledge her, but Waverly began crying harder. Nicole gave an extra strong tug on her collar, hoping to get a little extra room. She tried to let go of the neck, but was instantly gagging. So with one hand on her dress, she walked over to the sisters, trying to catch her breath.

Waverly looked up at Nicole, but Wynonna wouldn’t take her eyes off of her sister. 

“It’s time, Wynonna. You said you would be cooperative if we had Waverly and Nicole here. Now I need to see that cooperation.” Dr. Lucado’s voice was firm. 

Wynonna nodded slightly. She stood without looking at anyone. Waverly rose next to her, holding her hand. 

“Wy.” Waverly’s voice was watery. 

“Babygirl, I love you.” She didn’t meet Waverly’s look. Instead, Wynonna sighed and looked up at the ceiling. A tear fell down her cheek. She cleared her throat and turned to walk over to the gurney.

“Wy.” Waverly cried as she watched her sister sit down on the white sheet covering the bed. 

Wynonna looked at Nicole and pointed at her. “Nicole, you promised.”

Waverly looked at Nicole in shock. But Nicole nodded her head. She pulled down on the dress and stepped in next to Waverly. She tried to reach out to hold her with her open hand, but the dress sleeve stopped her arm short.

“No touching, girls. You can be here together, but no touching.” Dr. Lucado was watching them.

Nicole’s mind raced to figure out a way to keep Waverly calm. 

Waverly turned her attention back to Wynonna; she looked like she was about to jump on her sister.

“Blue butterfly.” Nicole spoke out firmly.

The adults turned to look at her. 

Waverly scrunched her brows together. “Blue butterfly?” 

“Blue butterfly.” Nicole repeated.

“Blue butterfly.” Waverly said in understanding, and she started to repeat the phrase. “Blue butterfly. Blue butterfly.”

The words became a mantra for the two girls. Wynonna sat back and looked up at the ceiling as the EMTs buckled her onto the bed. 

Waverly coughed as they tightened down the straps, but kept repeating the words as far as she could, with the tears running freely down her face.

As they wheeled her off the unit, Waverly broke down and ran back to their bedroom. Nicole followed her with Randy.

By the time Nicole got back to the room, Waverly was standing on the windowsill, her hands and face pressed against the glass. With every breath, she forcefully wiped away the condensation. 

Nicole looked out the window. There was a large white ambulance parked outside the front doors of the hospital. The lights and sirens were all turned off, but Nicole could see some exhaust billowing from the tailpipe. Just then the front doors opened and the EMTs wheeled Wynonna to the back end of the truck.

Nicole looked up at Waverly and wished she could join her up there. But the stupid dress was too tight to allow her to climb up. Randy stood silently waiting behind them in the room.

Waverly stood rigidly in the window and watched as the ambulance pulled away and drove out of sight. A single, high-pitched wail erupted out of her when the truck was no longer in view. She remained up there, eyes glued to the tree lined driveway, as if expecting the truck to return.

Randy cleared his throat again. “Waverly, why don’t you come down off the window now.” His voice, while deep, was very soft.

Waverly’s hands slid down the windowpane as she stepped back off the sill. She turned and immediately buried her face in Nicole’s chest. Randy didn’t say a thing, and Nicole took that as permission to hold her. Nicole wrapped her arms around Waverly as far as her dress would allow. In letting go of the collar, she felt the pressure of the dress sitting on the bottom of her throat, but she did her best to wrestle her gag reflex into submission, and held her breath for as long as she could. 

When she needed to breathe again, Nicole took one arm from Waverly and pulled down on her dress.

Waverly leaned back to look at her. “I’m sorry. Am I choking you?”

Nicole shook her head and said, “no,” as she drew Waverly in again with her free hand. 

“I’m really proud of how you handled yourselves back there.” Randy spoke up. “Both of you. You both did a really good job of remaining calm.”

Waverly broke down again and sobbed into Nicole chest.

“If you two are ok for the moment, I’m going to give you a little space. I’ll be back in five minutes to check in on you.” And he walked out of the room.

Nicole gave a frustrated tug on her dress. She wanted to wrap up Waverly entirely in her arms.

“I hate this dress.” Nicole said. “It won’t let me hug you. I can only use one arm at a time.”

Waverly’s cry turned into a wet laugh. “Stupid fucking dress.”

“Yeah. Stupid fucking dress.” Nicole repeated and rested her head on top of Waverly’s.

“Thanks.” Waverly’s voice was tiny. She had stopped crying and her breathing was starting to slow. 

“Of course.”

When Randy came back in, he told them that the unit was getting ready to head over to the gym. “Do you want to join them for dodgeball?” He asked.

Nicole really didn’t. She wanted to stay there and hold Waverly, but Waverly agreed and left her embrace. Nicole frowned and tugged down on the dress as she followed them out of the room.

 

In the gym, the kids were divided into two groups. This time Nicole was on the same team as X, while Jeremy was teamed up with Waverly.

With the dress on, Nicole couldn’t play, so she hung around the back wall and tried to avoid being hit. At one point Sean, who was on the opposite team, tried to entice Nicole into playing by rolling the ball to her.

“Come on, pretty girl.” He made a kissing noise and motioned for her to throw the ball at him.

“Sean. That’s inappropriate behavior.” Susan cut in sharply from the sideline.

Waverly walked over to stand next to him and gave him a hard look. 

“What? Now that she’s in a dress, she isn’t so tough.” Sean laughed. “Huh, girly!” 

Without a word, Waverly pivoted and landed a punch right to his crotch. Sean dropped to the floor in a ball, and the staff were instantly on top of Waverly. Susan ran over to check on Sean, and Randy growled at the rest of the kids to line the walls. Nicole faced the wall as they man-handled Waverly out of the gym. She couldn’t watch. All she could think about was her failed promise to Wynonna to keep Waverly calm.

 

After the tumult died down and Sean was gingerly walked off to be evaluated by Susan, the rest of the kids were escorted back to the unit. Nicole walked over to the far corner of the A wing and sat down with her head against the wall. The dress was still tight across her ribs, but she brought her knees up under the skirt of the dress and pulled it down over her legs. X sat down next to her, not close enough to touch, but near enough that Nicole could feel his warmth. Jeremy sat down opposite her, his feet stretched out in front of him. 

The silence between the friends spoke volumes. What a fucking day.

Nicole glanced up to see Randy watching the three of them in the corner. Nicole stood and asked to talk to him. He followed her in the bedroom.

“What’s up?” He gave his mustache a small twitch. 

“Can I take off this dress? I can’t do anything in it, and it’s constantly choking me.” She pulled down on the collar for effect. 

“Yeah, it doesn’t look like if fits you very well.” He said roughly. “I think that would be ok. You wore it all morning and most the afternoon.”

“Thanks.” She felt relief wash over her. Randy nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Nicole immediately tried to wrestle her way out of the dress, but since the dress was buttoned in the back, and Waverly was in the CDR, she had no easy way out of it. 

Nicole let out a frustrated cry, then grabbed the sleeves and pulled as hard as she could. The first button popped off, then the second. From there it was much easier to tear her way through the dress. The fabric at the sleeves separated and ripped down the sides, as the buttons flew off into the room. It felt exhilarating to hear the fabric whine and tear under her fingers. She felt like The Incredible Hulk freeing herself from the cloth prison. 

Once she toed off the dress, Nicole grabbed it off the floor, wadded it into a ball, threw it away in the room’s trash can. She would never wear that dress again. Before turning away, she kicked the can for good measure, and it rolled into the corner of the room.

Nicole was laughing so hard she was almost in tears, as she put on her jeans and t-shirt again. Finally, she felt like she could breathe. She stormed out of her room triumphant just as Susan was walking in with a beleaguered looking Sean. 

“Nicole, where’s your dress?” She said sharply.

Nicole’s stomach fell and she shook her head. NO!

But before she could say anything, Randy stood up from one of the couches. “I told her she can change. We could all see it didn’t fit her.”

“Fine.” Susan replied curtly. “I’m sure your parents can find another dress for you to wear.”

But Nicole didn’t care. She was out and free, and felt like a thousand pound weight was taken from her shoulders. She walked back to sit with X and Jeremy a new person. 

 

When Waverly rejoined the group, the first thing she did was walk over to Sean.

“I’m really sorry I hit you. I was upset about Wynonna leaving and took it out on you. That wasn’t fair and I never should have lashed out at you like that.” She paused, not taking her eyes from the floor. “I’m sorry.”

Sean’s cheeks were bright red and he grumbled out a low “whatever.” 

Waverly turned away from him and walked back into their bedroom. Nicole rose up and joined her.

In the room, Waverly stood at the edge of her bed and stared down at the blankets. She didn’t acknowledge that she knew Nicole was in the room. Nicole hung back by the door to give Waverly some space.

“I really fucked up.” Waverly spoke to her bed. Her head was hanging low. “There’s no way I’ll make level 3 now.” She brought her hand up and scratched her nose. “I won’t be surprised if they send me off with Wynonna, too. I guess then we’ll be together.”

“Waves.” Nicole spoke softly, but Waverly cut her off.

“Don’t tell me I’m fine, Nicole. I’m just a stupid, fucking, angry girl. I’m just like Wynonna.”

“You are nothing like Wynonna.” Nicole flinched; she wasn’t sure that came out the right way. “What I mean is, you are two very different people. You know what everyone says when they first meet you?” Without waiting for a reply, Nicole continued. “They can’t understand why a sweet, smart, sensitive person like you is in here.”

Waverly didn’t respond.

“I asked X the same thing when I first got here.”

Without moving, Waverly asked, “You did?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe someone as perfect as you had to be here.”

Waverly coughed out a laugh. “I’m hardly perfect.”

“Jeremy asked me the same thing on his second day.”

Waverly turned a little to look at Nicole over her shoulder. “I really like Jeremy.”

Nicole gave her a faint smile.

“You changed.” Waverly stated, looking at Nicole, seemingly for the first time. “What happened to your dress?” She turned around.

Nicole pointed at the toppled trash can.

“What happened to our can?” Waverly asked, frowning at the metal bin, lying on its side with a large dent in the middle.

“I may have kicked it.” Nicole said, sheepishly, scratching her head.

Waverly smiled, then giggled lightly and looked back at Nicole.

“What was it like to punch Sean?” Nicole asked.

“Actually, it kinda hurt.” Waverly lifted her hand and rubbed her knuckles. “I think I hit pelvic bone. He must not have much down there.”

Both of them laughed.

“Are you mad at me?” Waverly asked, wincing at Nicole.

“For what? Defending my honor?” She joked.

“For ruining my chances of making level 3 in time to see the movie.” She paused. “You were miserable all day in that ugly dress for me, and then I go off and punch Sean.”

“Waves,” Nicole said sympathetically. “First of all, Sean had it coming. And you were under a tremendous amount of stress with Wynonna leaving. I think you handled that part really well, and if you don’t get some credit for that, then the staff here are complete idiots.”

“Still…” Waverly started.

“Second,” Nicole cut her off. “I was more mad at myself. I told Wynonna I would do whatever it took to keep you calm, so you wouldn’t end up with her at the state hospital.”

“Is that what she meant when she said: ‘you promised?’” Waverly asked

Nicole nodded. “And third, if you don’t make level 3, then I’ll stay here with you. I don’t care about the movie. I’d rather be here with you.”

Waverly’s concerned expression melted away into one of awe.

“I mean it.” Nicole added.

Waverly’s mouth hung open a bit. Nicole flashed her a quick smile then turned and walked out of the room.

 

At wrap up that night, Randy led the A wing group. Sean raised his hand and asked to go first.

“I have a really exciting announcement. I found out that I get to leave tomorrow. I also heard that my school has agreed to take me back on a trial basis. Since I successfully completed this program, I’m allowed to go back.”

“That’s great, Sean. But you realize that simply working your way through our program isn’t a cure-all. You still have more work to do keeping your anger in check and not overreacting.”

“I know, but I didn’t freak out when Waverly punched me today, so that proves I’m better.”

Waverly piped up from her seat on the couch next to Nicole. “Again Sean, I’m so sorry.”

Sean didn’t even look at Waverly. His attention was solely focused on Randy.

“I’m really doing better.” He continued.

“Sean, I’m not saying you haven’t worked hard and made good strides while here…” Randy started.

“What do you mean, ‘good strides.’” Sean stood up from his seat. “I’m so much better than I was, I haven’t punch someone in a week.” Sean’s face was becoming more red.

“Son.” Randy’s word was both calm and authoritative. “I want you to take a seat.” He waited to see how Sean would react. 

Sean took a few deep breaths, then seemed to come to a decision and sat back down. 

Randy sat forward in his seat a bit, leaning an elbow on his knee. “You’ve made some good strides, but the work you’ve done here still needs to continue when you leave.”

Sean nodded his head. 

“Are you worried about leaving?” Randy asked him.

“Why would I be worried about leaving. I can’t wait to get out of this place. I can’t wait to eat whatever I want and listen to my own music and go out to see friends…”

“What about school.”

“Fuck school.”

“Sean, language.”

“Sorry.” He mumbled, then continued. “No, I’m not worried about it. I’ll see my friends. Why would I be worried?” He brought his hand to his mouth to chew on a nail.

“What about your school work.” Randy pushed a little. “You were worried at one point about having to do all the make-up tests if you went back.”

“Whatever. I don’t care about that. I’m just stoked to get out of here.”

Randy nodded his head. “Well, since I won’t be here tomorrow, I’ll say my goodbye now. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I really hope you continue to work on keeping your temper under control.”

“Got it, Pops.” 

Randy just chuckled and shook his head. “Who’s next?”

Another kid started to talk. Nicole glanced over at Waverly sitting next to her. She was fidgeting with the button at the end of her shirt sleeve. Rolling it back and forth in her fingers, she popped it in and out of the button hole. Nicole wished she could reach out and take Waverly’s hand. She’d seen Wynonna do it a thousand times during wrap up. Whenever Waverly became nervous, Wynonna would reach out and take her hand or put an arm around her shoulders. It seemed ridiculous that she couldn’t do the same thing. 

Nicole looked up and saw Sean staring at her. It wasn’t a hard expression, but it was unflinching. If he meant it to be sexy, he was failing miserably. She shifted her eyes to Randy, who was talking to the other kid, but from her peripheral vision, Nicole could see that Sean was still watching her. It made her feel a little uneasy. 

Randy finished his conversation, then looked around the room. Nicole raised her hand.

“Nicole, you want to go next?”

“Sure.” She stopped for a moment, thinking about what she wanted to say. “I know I’m supposed to be happy about wearing the dress today. Maybe not happy, but proud of myself, or something. Like I did something really big, or made myself better. But the truth is, this has been the worst day.”

“What do mean?” Randy asked.

“I mean, I can’t imagine having a worse day. Even my worst day at school with the kids making fun of me didn’t come close to being as bad as having to wear that dress. I don’t understand how you can think that forcing me to wear a dress will make me feel better.” Nicole could feel her chest tightening up, but she refused to start crying. “I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better, not worse.”

“Well, I appreciate your honesty, Nicole. And if it makes you feel better, Susan and I agreed to move you up to level 3.”

“Susan thinks I deserve level 3?” Nicole asked, mystified. 

“Actually, it was her idea.”

Nicole flinched back. 

“She said that you put on the dress without a fight this morning, and didn’t complain about it while you were wearing it. She felt that you earned level 3 for that.” Randy explained. 

“Thanks?” Nicole said hesitantly. This was what she wanted, why did it feel so empty now that she had it?

The group all clapped for her, and Nicole glanced over at Waverly. She was clapping lightly too, but not looking at her.

Waverly raised her hand next. Randy nodded at her and Waverly stood up. She turned to face Sean.

“Sean, I’m still really sorry about earlier.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “It was very wrong of me to hit you. And I’m happy for you that you’re leaving.” She pulled at her pinkie. “And I hope you have a great life when you get out of here.” She looked around the room like she was searching for something else to say. Finding nothing she sat back down.

“Thanks, Waverly.” Randy spoke up. Sean didn’t say anything. “How are you feeling about Wynonna’s departure?”

Waverly drew her knees up in front of her and started crying silently. She placed her head on her knees, rocking it back and forth. Again, Nicole wanted to reach out to her. She wanted to put a hand on her back, let her know she wasn’t alone. Again, she noticed Sean staring at her. It almost felt like he could read her mind, that he could see that she wanted any excuse to touch Waverly. She felt her cheeks grow warm and looked back down at Waverly curled up in a ball next to her. 

A small voice slipped out of Waverly. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to me now.”

Randy’s response was gentle. “Well, that’s something we’re working on.”

She lifted her head from her knees. Her eyes were puffy red. “Do I have a say?”

“Where would you like to go?” He asked.

Waverly just shook her head slowly and burst out crying again. She placed her head back on her knees.

“As you know, your aunt and uncle are still working on getting custody of both you and your sister. Would that be acceptable to you?”

Waverly silently nodded her head in her knees.

“Ok, then.” Randy coughed into his hand. “So Waverly.” He paused to see if Waverly would look up at him. She didn’t. “The staff talked over making you level 3. We know that you have been working very hard to keep your temper these last few days. And while you had a slip today, overall your behavior has been exemplary.” He paused again, but Waverly kept her head buried in her knees. “We thought that if you stay calm until it’s time to leave for the movie tomorrow, then you may join the group.”

Waverly lifted her head. She wore a shocked expression. “Really?” Then Waverly choked out a weak, “thanks.”

 

As they were getting ready for bed, Waverly turned to Nicole.

“I thought for sure they weren’t going to make me level 3.” She said softly, “I knew you’d get it. You had to get it with the whole dress thing.”

Nicole turned to look at Waverly. “I thought that I’d feel different after getting to level 3. I thought I’d be so excited, but if it means more days like today, then screw it. I don’t care about level 3.” She refocused on her bed and punched her pillow. “I don’t even care about getting my Walkman, really, because I still won’t be able to listen to my music. And plus I’ve made it this long…” Nicole trailed off. Her blankets were piled at the bottom of her bed. She straightened them out.

Waverly sat down on her bed. “I wonder what Wynonna is doing right now.” She flopped back and spoke to the ceiling. “I hope it’s nice where she is. I wonder if she has to share a room.” 

“She’s pretty tough. I bet she’s ok. Plus she’s really good at intimidating people, so even if she has a roommate, I’m sure they’ll steer clear of her.”

“Yeah.” It sounded like Waverly was smiling again. “She doesn’t take shit from anyone.”

“She’s pretty street smart.”

“Yet warm and funny.”

“Insanely protective…”

“And hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.”

“What?” Nicole sat down and looked at Waverly questioningly. 

“Never mind.”

Then Brad knocked and walked into the room. “Hey girls. Time for bed.”

“Ok.” Nicole said, laying back in her bed. 

“Good night.” He said before closing the door behind him.

Nicole slid her feet under the covers and as she stretched out, she felt a foreign object brush against the bottom of her foot. Positive that it was beetle or spider, she shrieked as she almost completed a full 180 while jumping out of bed. Standing at the head of her bed, heart racing, hand clenched at her chest, Nicole saw a small, white button drop to the floor between the beds. 

Brad rushed back into the room. “Is everything ok?” He asked, trying to quickly assess the situation.

Nicole tried to calm her heart rate. “Sorry. I, uh… I thought that was a spider.” She pointed down at the button. “It was in my bed and my foot touched it.”

“Alright, excitement’s over, then. Go to bed.” He said, shaking his head and walking back out of the room.

Nicole continued to stare at the button. Her heart refused to slow down and her hands began to shake. Waverly got up and grabbed the button. “Where did it come from? Was this from the dress?” She asked.

Before Nicole could answer, Waverly walked over and decisively threw it down into the trash can. 

Waverly looked over at Nicole for confirmation that she did the right thing.

Nicole felt like she was sitting on a razor. She could fall into either tears or laughter.

A small smile crept out and she bunched her pjs in her hand. A breath bubbled up and she leaned into her laughter. 

Both of them stood there laughing. As she started to calm down, Nicole wiped her eyes and shook her head.

“That fucking dress.” Said Nicole, climbing back into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to send out a huge thank you to DreadPirateBrown. Your insights and encouragement have kept me strong and focused.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosita is on duty at the hospital, so there isn’t too much gender therapy in this chapter, but be warned: cuteness abounds. 
> 
> Trigger warning: There are brief mentions of physical abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I managed to entrap LuckyWantsToKnow @LuckyWantsTo into being a new beta reader for this story. I cannot express how much I appreciate the help in reading it over. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> Also, I want to thank DreadPirateBrown @DrdPirateBrown for being an amazing and wonderful person. Earpers truly are the best.

Chapter 7:  
2009:  
When Nicole got home again after the holiday trip, she settled back into her usual school routine. The distance from Waverly helped. She couldn’t worry about her feelings for Waverly when she needed to get through her final semester, apply for the bar exam, plan her move, and think about graduation. Her plate was full without any unrequited love. 

Her emails and texts with Waverly were easier, too. After the emotional roller coaster of the holidays, she was surprised how easy it was for her to chat with Waverly. She figured that the holiday trip was exactly what she needed to finally get over Waverly. She needed to see that Waverly wasn’t an option, and now she could move on, just as friends. It gave her a lightness and clarity that she needed for her final push to the end of her law school career.

A couple weeks into her last semester, Nicole received a letter from the university. When she read the letter, she immediately grabbed a seat and sat down. It was from the Dean and informed her that she had received the “A star” in her Law and Economics class for her seminar paper. Additionally, the Dean wrote that the paper was so well written, and particularly timely with all the recent court cases dealing with gay marriage, that she wanted Nicole to submit the paper for publication in the school’s law journal.

Nicole grabbed her cell phone and dialed Waverly. 

Nicole’s hands were shaking as she waited for her to answer. She really hoped that Waverly was available to talk.

“Hi Nicole. I was just thinking about you. Darren was playing with his yellow truck and he asked about his Aunt Nini.” 

Nicole furrowed her brows as she smiled. “Really? He asked about me?” 

“Well, he held up the truck and said ‘Nini.’” 

“That’s so sweet. I miss him.” 

“Well, we miss you too. So what’s up?” Waverly’s voice was bright. 

“I called to tell you that you helped me get the A star on my seminar paper.” Nicole waited to hear how Waverly would react.

“The A star?” she asked, confused.

“Oh sorry. Yeah, the A star means it was the best in the class. The professor picks one A star for each class. It’s kind of a big deal. This is my first one ever.”

“Really! You got the best grade! Nicole, that’s amazing. I knew it was good. I really enjoyed reading it.”

“Well, you helped me with it, so you deserve some of the credit.”

“Oh please, all I did was proofread it. You did all the hard work.”

“Waverly, don’t sell yourself short. You figured out how to do those stupid citations, and your feedback really made it a stronger piece. I couldn’t have done it without you. So next time I come down to D.C., I’m taking you out to dinner as a thank you.”

“You don’t need to do that. I was happy to help. I actually quite liked it. It felt like I was back in college again, I was actually using all those research skills I developed.”

“Well, regardless. I’m taking you out. Oh, and I forgot the best part. They want to publish it! So, I want to give you credit for your help in the byline. Is that ok?”

“Nicole, I… That’s wonderful. I don’t know. You don’t need to do that.”

“Of course I do. Anyway, it just a law journal. But that’s pretty cool, right. I can’t believe they want to publish it.”

“Nicole, that amazing. And you totally deserve it. I’m really proud of you.” 

Nicole beamed. “Thanks.” Her chest felt warm and wide. “Hey, how’s Darren?”

“He’s great. Still growing. I tried to sit him on the little training toilet we got for him, but he had no interest in it.”

“When does that usually begin?” Nicole asked.

“Any time. It’s really up to the child. If he’s ready, then he’s ready. But if he’s not… I think he’s not. I’ll try again after his second birthday. The only reason I tried at all was that his pediatrician thought I should.”

“Gotcha. Is this the same pediatrician who questions everything you say?”

“That’s the one.”

“Well, how about this time, you question what he says. Twenty-one months seems like it’s a little early. But what do I know.”

“Actually, I was thinking the same thing.”

“Fuck him,” Nicole tossed out.

Waverly laughed. “Yeah. F him.” She continued to giggle. “Oh geez, I love talking to you. You always make me laugh.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Nicole smiled and let out a sigh. “Hey, I gotta run. Talk to you later?”

“Sure,” said Waverly. Nicole could hear the smile in her voice.

 

A month later, Nicole was sitting in the library reading through a case study when X called her. She walked out of the quiet area and hit accept on her phone.

“Hey X.” She answered.

“Hey girlie. You free for dinner tonight?”

“Sure, my place or yours?” 

“Mind if I come over to your place? Your apartment is nicer.” X said.

“What time? Does after six work? I have to get through some work here.”

“Of course. I’ll bring some carry out Chinese so we don’t have to cook.”

“Is everything ok?” Nicole asked.

“Yeah, but your mom called me.”

“Oh fuck. Really? What about this time?” Nicole felt her heart drop. She hated it when her mom called X.

“Oh, you know. The usual. You aren’t returning her calls, she’s worried about you.”

“Does she remember I’m in law school. I’m a little busy.” Nicole said sarcastically.

“That’s actually what she wanted to talk about. She wants to come to your graduation.”

“Fuck.”

“Yep.” 

Nicole could hear X stifling a laugh. “Quit fucking laughing. If I have to deal with her, then you will, too.”

“I know. But she’s mellowed out a little over the years.” 

“X, she still thinks we should get married.” Nicole said forcefully.

X’s laugh was so robust and deep, Nicole joined in. “Your mom is crazy.”

“I know she is, that’s why I can’t deal with talking to her right now. I can’t talk to crazy and keep focused on my work.” Nicole complained. “I’m sorry she called you.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. She loves me.” X said.

“As a son-in-law.”   
X burst out in a laugh. “Watch it, girlie.”

“See you at six?”

“Yep. I’ll bring the usual.”

“Thanks, man.” Nicole ended the call. She shook her head. She wasn’t sure how she was going to deal with her mom.

When X arrived that night, he was carrying an overstuffed plastic bag, weighed down with a tremendous amount of food. 

Nicole watched him walk into her kitchen and set down the bag on the counter. He started pulling out boxes before even saying hello.

“Um hi? Are you planning on feeding an army?” She walked up next to X and watched as more containers appeared on her counter. 

“Hey,” X greeted her. He leaned into Nicole’s half-hug. “I’m starving. Are you ready to eat?”

“Of course. I need a break. My neck and shoulders are killing me from staring down at my books all day.” She opened a cabinet and brought down two large plates. “Any more calls from my mom?”

X laughed and shook his head as he started opening the containers. 

“I can’t believe she still calls you. She knows I hate that.” Nicole said.

“Then start calling her back.” X looked at Nicole pointedly.

“Shut up.” Nicole groaned.

“The only reason she calls me is because she knows I’ll answer.”

“Kiss ass. She should adopt you and leave me alone.” Nicole handed a large spoon to X.

“But then how could we ever get married?” He laughed.

Nicole smacked his shoulder.

“Hey, that’s assaulting a police officer.”

Nicole stuck her tongue out at him.

“Speaking of, we have a new transfer to our department,” X said.

“Oh yeah? Is he nice?”

“SHE is nice.” X emphasized the she. 

“Oo. A woman. Way to go, Bloomington PD.”

“I’ll have you know, we have the best female to male officer rates in the state.”

“Why because you have more than one?”

X just smirked at her. “She’s actually pretty cool. I think you’d like her.”

“Why’s that?” Nicole asked, filling her plate.

“She’s our age. Really sharp. Knows her stuff. Good instincts…” He paused a little, “and I think she’s gay.” 

Nicole set her spoon down and looked up at X. “So?”

“So. I thought it might be nice if we hang out sometime. She doesn’t really know anyone here.”

“Are you setting me up?” Nicole shifted her body to lean against the counter and fully face X.

“No. I know better than that. I just remember what it’s like to be new to the department. Plus then you can tell me if my gaydar is working.”

“I don’t have a lot of time right now. Maybe when we get closer to spring break.”

“That’s fine. You won’t mind if I cheat on you with another lesbian and hang out with her in the meantime.”

“My mom will never forgive you.” Nicole bit back her grin.

 

After they ate, or really after Nicole ate and X vacuumed up everything else, they sat back on the Nicole’s couch and relaxed. 

“So what are your plans for spring break?” X asked, burping and rubbing his stomach.

“I probably need to go back to D.C. and put a deposit down on an apartment. The firm said that they’ll pay for the moving expenses, but I need to know where I’m moving to. Also, I need to finish my application for the bar exam and sign up for the Barbri course.” 

“When do you take the bar?” X asked.

“At the end of the summer. So when I graduate, I’ll move down to Virginia and take the bar study course there, then take the bar in August. In September or October, I’ll start at the firm. They haven’t given me a solid start date yet.” 

“So they pay for your move, they pay for the bar exam; do they pay for the class, too?” X asked.

“Yep. I think they want me totally focused on passing the bar on the first try.”

“What happens if you don’t?”

“They said it’s ok, I can take it again, but obviously I don’t want to find out for real.”

“So, spring break back in D.C.?” X asked. “You going to see Waverly again?”

“I was thinking about it.” Nicole looked up at her ceiling. “I actually feel so much better about all that. I think I needed to go there and see her, married and with Darren. Now I know she’s not an option, so I’ve been able to get over it. For real this time. I’m actually excited to just hang out and be friends, so I think it will be fine.”

X didn’t say anything.

“Your silence is deafening,” Nicole replied.

“I guess I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, what don’t you want to say?” Nicole asked.

“Are you just kidding yourself?”

“Ouch.” Nicole raised her eyebrows and looked over at X.

“I know how you felt both times you came back from D.C. I don’t want to see you going through that again.”

“I won’t. I really do feel different. I feel like I’m on track. Waverly and I are just friends. And that’s great.”

“Ok. Then come out with me and meet the new officer, Rachel.”

“You’re an ass.”

X gave her a wide, toothy smile. 

 

Nicole was walking home after her last class before the start of spring break. She was mentally going through her to do list when X called.

“Hey, happy spring break!” he said when Nicole answered the phone. 

“Hey X, what are you up to?”

“Funny you should ask. Remember how you said you’d come hang out with me and meet the new officer I was telling you about?”

“You mean Rachel?”

“Yep. That’s the one. Well, we’re meeting out at Nick’s Pub. I want to show her some of the local college kid hangouts that she’s going to be visiting on a regular basis. Want to join us?”

“X, I have a ton of stuff to do. I’m flying out tomorrow.”

“I know, I’m driving you to the airport. Come on, you promised that you’d meet her when you got to spring break.”

“I can’t believe you’re trying to set me up right before I move.”

“I’m not trying to set you up. She’s really nice. I think you’ll like her, as friends. That’s what you’re doing these days, right? Friends?”

“You are such a huge ass,” Nicole said, exasperated.

“What if I say please?”

“Fine. But just for an hour, and I’m not drinking. All I need is to be hungover for my flight.”

“Perfect. See you at Nick’s at eight, ok?”

“Ok. Nick’s at eight.”

 

Nicole arrived at Nick’s a little late. First, she had finished up her packing, and then called Waverly to see if she was still on target to see her when she got in the next day.

Once she was in Nick’s, she wove her way through the crowded bar, and found X sitting with a woman at a round table in the back by the bathrooms. Both of them were sitting so that they could watch the crowd and X quickly spotted Nicole. He and the woman stood up as Nicole approached the table. 

She was about as tall as Nicole, slender, and her dark hair was pushed behind her ears and just shy of shoulder length. She wore black slacks and a grey button up shirt neatly tucked in. Her sleeves were rolled up half way to her elbow and she had a cockeyed grin. Yep. Lesbian.

“Nicole, I want you to meet Rachel.” X introduced the women. “Rachel. This is Nicole.”

Rachel extended her hand to Nicole and shook it with a confident pump. “Hi.” Her voice was deep and more than a little husky. Definitely lesbian. “It’s good to meet you; X has told me so much about you.”

“Well, unfortunately he hasn’t told me anything about you,” Nicole smiled back. “Where are you from?” she asked as she took her seat.

“I’m from the region,” Rachel said.

Nicole nodded. She knew that Rachel meant Indiana’s cultural dead zone between Lafayette, South Bend, and Chicago. “Oh yeah, where?” Nicole asked.

“You haven’t heard of it.”

“Try me.” Nicole grinned. She’d driven through there a few times on her way to Chicago for concerts.

“Lowell.”

“You’re right, I haven’t heard of it,” Nicole deadpanned. 

“Well, it’s pretty small. We only just got our first international restaurant there. The town was pretty excited.”

“What kind was it?” X asked.

“Taco Bell.”

X and Nicole lost it. 

“You see. She’s pretty awesome,” X said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Taco Bell.” He continued to giggle. 

Nicole was still laughing when she looked around Nick’s. At a table halfway across the room, a woman was sitting with her back to Nicole. What caught Nicole’s attention was her hair. The long, flowing, soft curls and the light brown color made her look like Waverly. The laugh died in her throat. Nicole coughed lightly in her hand and forced out a polite chuckle as she turned her attention back to their table. It wasn’t Waverly, so it didn’t matter. She tried to ignore the pull to look back, just in case.

“I don’t think you’ll be disappointed in the international restaurant selection here.” Nicole said. 

“I’m already not. I love Bloomington.,” Rachel said.

“So do I,” Nicole agreed.

“X said you’re going to be moving in May?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got a job offer in Washington.” Nicole tried to steal a quick glance behind her at the hair. The woman was still there. “I’m getting excited.” She looked back at X and Rachel. “It’s with a pretty big law firm.” 

“Does that mean they’re going to be working you to death? I’ve heard about the long hours when working for a big law firm.”   
Nicole grinned. “Probably.” She nodded. “Speaking of long, crazy hours… How’s the BPD treating you? This guy’s been sitting at the bottom of the food chain for a while now,” Nicole pointed at X. “So I know all about the overnight shifts.”

Rachel laughed. “It’s ok. It’s really not that bad. X has been great; showing me the ropes.”

“Hey, rookies stand together.” He fist-bumped Rachel. 

Nicole laughed and shook her head. “Hey, I’m going to head to the bathroom.” She stood up to walk away, looking behind her again. The other woman was laughing or talking. Her hair swayed across her back and looked so much like Waverly’s. “Excuse me.” 

She was walking down the short hall to the ladies room, when X grabbed her arm.

“Hey. Everything ok?” X asked.

“Of course.”

“Rachel’s pretty cool, right?”

“Yeah, she seems great.”

“And a lesbian.”

“Definitely. Your gaydar credentials are still intact.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“X, I think you’ve found an excellent replacement for me when I leave,” Nicole said, a little annoyed.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“I mean, if we were any more similar, we could touch our hands together and say ‘wonder twin powers activate’.”

X laughed. “Come on, you’re not that much alike.”

Nicole gave him a hard stare.

“So you’re not interested?”

“X.” Nicole held up her hand.

“Looking for someone a little more feminine? A little more like the woman sitting behind you?”

Nicole let out a sigh and walked into the ladies room. 

When she returned from the bathroom, Nicole made her apologies and said that she needed to head home.

“I’m sorry to be a spoil-sport, but I still have some things to take care of tonight.”

Rachel stood up and held out her hand. “It was good to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Nicole took her hand. Then waved at X.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” X asked.

“You bet.” She turned and started to walk out. As she passed by the table where the woman with the long hair was sitting, Nicole stole a glance over at her. Her face was long and narrow. Nice, but definitely not as pretty as Waverly. Nicole didn’t look back as she walked out. 

 

On the walk back to her apartment, Nicole called Waverly. The call went directly to voicemail.

“Hey Waves. It’s me. I just wanted to chat. I guess I’m feeling a little weird. I had a strange night with X. He was trying to set me up with another woman. It was kinda weird. I don’t know. She was nice, but…” Nicole’s voice trailed off. She knew she was rambling, she didn’t know what she wanted to say. “I guess I just wanted to hear your voice. If it’s not too late when you get this, give me a call. Ok? Ok. I miss you. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Bye.”

Nicole felt unsettled as she walked home. 

When she was getting ready for bed, Waverly called her back.

“Hey, is everything ok?” Waverly asked when Nicole answered her phone.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she said a little grumpily.

“What’s wrong?” Waverly demanded.

“I don’t know. This whole night has been wrong. X set me up on a blind date with a new female officer at his department.”

“Did you like her?” Waverly asked cautiously.

“No. I mean, she’s fine. She pretty enough and funny. But she’s not my type. She a little too gruff for me.”

“Huh.” 

“It’s just weird that he wants to set me up right before I’m moving, right? It makes me wonder if he’s trying to keep me here. Is this his secret cry for help?”

“Well, tell me more about this date. How did it come about?” Waverly asked.

“I guess it wasn’t really a date, per se. I met X and Rachel out at a bar.”

“Her name’s Rachel?”

“Yeah. To be honest, she looked a lot like me. Her mannerisms and everything. And she was tall. We were dressed almost the same. Why would X think I’d like her?” Nicole asked, almost to herself.

“Does X like her?”

“Yes. Seems like they’re new best buddies. Rachel said that X has told her all about me. I mean, really, some of that stuff is private. You know?” 

“I’m sure X isn’t telling her everything about you,” Waverly said in a reassuring voice. 

“That’s just it. I don’t know what they’re talking about.” Nicole let out a frustrated huff.

“Well, just think. Tomorrow you’ll be here and we’re going to have so much fun finding you an apartment.” Waverly perked up her voice as she changed the subject.

“Yeah. Whoop-dee-do.”

“Oh no. Don’t give me that. We are going to have a great time. Let’s think of this as an adventure. The journey to Nicole’s new home.” Waverly said grandly. 

“I’m glad you’re excited. So you’re sure you still want to do this. It’s probably going to be really boring. Especially for Darren.” Nicole said.

“Boring? Are you kidding. We get to explore a bunch of apartments, imagine you in them, picture your new life as a big shot attorney. That sounds really exciting to me. Plus, this gives me a great excuse to get out of the house. I’ve been feeling really cooped up this winter. I need to get out.”

Nicole chuckled. “When you put it that way,” she said lightly. 

“Ok. Go get some rest, because we have three busy days ahead of us.” 

“Oh, hey. I’ve been meaning to ask. I was wondering what you thought about trying to eat vegan while on this trip. I was hoping to try out some different types of restaurants, and I know you used to be vegan. So why not.”

“You don’t need to do that for me. My vegan days are behind me.”

“But I thought maybe we could introduce Darren to some different types of food, too. I think that could be fun.” Nicole scrunched up her face in question. “What do you think?”

“You really want to try it?” asked Waverly.

“Yeah. I do.” 

“Ok. But if Darren hates it, don’t be too mad at him. Ok?” Waverly asked, a little worried.

“No problem. We’ll take it at his pace.” Nicole was smiling again. “Thanks. I’m really looking forward to seeing you and Darren again.”

“Me too, Nicole.”

 

When X picked up Nicole for her ride to the airport, she greeted him quietly. X just nodded his head in return. 

“Thanks for the ride,” Nicole said, looking out the front windshield.

“Sure. Do you want some coffee?”

“No thanks. I’m good,” Nicole replied, flatly.

“Sleep ok?” X asked.

“Yep. I talked to Waverly last night. Everything is set up.”

“That’s great.” 

They sat in silence for a while. On the outskirts of Bloomington, the rolling hills of corn fields sped past their car as they made their way to the Indianapolis airport. Nicole watched the neat rows fan past her. The silence in the car was beginning to eat away at her.

“How long did you and Rachel stay out?” Nicole tried to reopen the conversation.

“We stayed at Nick’s for a couple hours, then we walked down to the Chocolate Moose for ice cream before heading back to my place.”

“She went back to your place?” Nicole turned to look at X.

“Yeah, we were having a lot of fun talking, so she came back to my place and crashed there.”

Nicole blanched. “Did you sleep with her?”

“No! Jesus Christ. You’re the one who told me she’s gay.” X flinched. “Actually, she told me herself last night.”

“Then where did she sleep?” Nicole looked horrified at X.

“On the couch.”

“On MY couch!” Nicole retorted.

“It’s not your couch. It’s my couch, and yes.”

In a huff, Nicole turned sharply in her seat and glared out the window.

“Why are you so mad? You left. Remember? You barely even gave her a chance.”

“I don’t need to give her a chance.” Nicole folded her arms across her chest.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

They rode in silence again.

“I can’t believe you’re jealous,” X said under his breath.

“I’M NOT JEALOUS!” Nicole exploded. “I just don’t like her, ok?” Nicole could feel her heart racing. This drive could not end soon enough.

“Whatever you say,” X said softly.

“Yes. That’s what I say.” Nicole said forcefully.

They completed the ride in silence, Nicole steaming in her seat.

When they pulled up to the airport, X put the car in park and looked over at Nicole. “Have fun in D.C.”

“Thanks.”

“Say hi to Waverly for me?”

Nicole chanced a look at X. “I will. And thanks for the ride.”

“Any time.” X gave her a quick smile and Nicole returned it. 

She let out a deep breath and got out of the car.

 

As the plane approached D.C. for its landing, Nicole looked out her window across the city that was about to become her home. The day was beautiful and clear. The sky was littered with soft, white, fluffy clouds and the blue sky was warm. In fact, when Nicole left the airport, it felt a good ten degrees warmer than it was in Indiana. After Nicole checked in at her hotel, she gave Waverly a call. 

“Hi Waves, I know I said I wanted to start the apartment hunt this afternoon, but I feel like I need to do something fun instead. In the airport, I saw something about a cherry blossom festival going on at the Tidal Basin downtown. Would you be willing to try that instead?”

“Sure, if you think we’ll have enough time to see apartments over the next couple days,” Waverly said.

“I’m sure we will. Plus, I just need to get out. It’s my spring break, and it’s a beautiful day. I don’t want to spend it inside right now.”

“Ok then. How do you want to get into the city?”

“I was thinking we could take the metro. I have a bit of an ulterior motive, too. I was looking at the metro lines and thinking about where I could look for apartments. I think I want to say close to a metro stop, and use that to get into the city for work.”

“Ok, then let’s take the metro. I bet Darren will like that.”

“I think so, too,” Nicole agreed.

 

When Nicole stopped by to pick up Waverly and Darren, she hopped out of the car and ran around to greet them when they walked out of the apartment building. Waverly was holding Darren’s hand. He shrieked out “Nini!” when he saw her. He then held up his yellow matchbox car. “Lellow truck.” 

“You remembered?” Nicole asked him, lifting him up and giving him a big hug. Waverly wrapped her arms around the two of them. 

“Do you mind watching him for a second. I need to run up and get his new car seat. Darren outgrew his old one.” Waverly pulled back from the hug. 

When she emerged from the apartment building a minute later, Waverly was carrying a large seat. “We had to get a convertible seat for him. This one stays in the car, but it can switch from rear facing to forward facing when he turns two,” she said, putting his car seat in the back. 

“Is it easy to install?” Nicole asked, as she watched Waverly prepare the seat.

“Pretty much the same.” She was maneuvering in the backseat. Then Waverly poked her head out of the car, “When I told him you were coming over, he insisted that we bring his yellow truck.”

Nicole looked at Darren, who was sitting back in her arms. “Hey buddy. I missed you and the yellow truck.”

“Nini,” he said, and patted her cheek. 

Hearing him use her special nickname melted her, and Nicole gave him another tight squeeze. Darren whined in complaint. 

“Down!” he insisted.

Nicole laughed and set Darren down, holding his hand until the car seat was ready for him. 

“I need to run back up and get his stroller, once I get him strapped in. Is that ok?”

“Fine,” Nicole replied. Waverly was a whirlwind of activity, and they had barely said hello.

Once Darren was in his seat, if a little unhappy, Waverly turned to Nicole. “I’ll be right back down.” She sounded harried.

Nicole held out her arms to Waverly. “Hey.” She flashed a dimpled smile. “It’s ok.”

Waverly stopped and looked at her. She let out a soft sigh and walked into the offered hug. “Thanks.” She wrapped her arms around Nicole and held her tight. “I’m sorry I’m so crazy. I’ve never taken Darren into the city, and I’m freaked out that I’m forgetting something.”

“Just take a deep breath. You’ve got this,” Nicole said into the top of Waverly’s head. 

Waverly giggled. “You make it sound like an ordeal.”

“No ordeal. Just an adventure. Isn’t that what you wanted this week?”

Waverly squeezed her extra tight and let go. She stepped away from Nicole. “That’s right. We’re on an adventure.” She smiled up at Nicole. “Now, I need to run up and get that stroller, or one of us is going to end up carrying him all day.”

“We’ll be here.”

 

At the metro station, Nicole helped Waverly pull everything out of the trunk. Waverly opened the stroller and put her diaper bag underneath the seat. She put Darren in the stroller and buckled him up, and finally adjusted her jacket and checked that she had her cell phone and wallet in the jacket pockets. 

“Ok, I think I’m ready,” she said, smiling at Nicole, who was waiting patiently. Nicole had her wallet in one pocket and her cell phone in the other. The car keys were in her jacket pocket. That was all she needed. “Sorry. Traveling with a kid takes so much longer. Everything is slower,” Waverly apologized. 

“Don’t worry about it. This will be fun,” Nicole said, as they started to walk. 

They entered the station and could hear the approach of a train. The screech of the breaks and the roll of metal wheels on the tracks carried up through the station. Darren’s head popped up from the stroller at the sound. A light wave of air pushed up from the escalator that led down to the tracks. Nicole and Waverly got their metro passes and headed down to the train. 

“Do you want me to carry something?” Nicole asked. Waverly was trying to hold onto Darren as she hefted the diaper on her shoulder so that she could fold the stroller. 

“No, I got it,” she answered. The diaper bag slid off her shoulder, almost crashing into Darren’s head as she bent over the stroller. Waverly caught the bag, but then stood up and gave a frustrated sigh. “How do D.C. parents do this?”

“I think they take the help that’s offered to them,” Nicole said. “I’m happy to help carry the bag or take Darren’s hand.”

Waverly smiled at Nicole. “Sorry. I just feel like I should be able to do this all by myself.”

“I’ll hold Darren’s hand, you fold the stroller, and we’ll make it down to the train together.”

Waverly pushed her hair back. “Ok.” She handed off Darren to Nicole and quickly folded the stroller. 

 

They made it down to the train platform and Darren gasped and pointed as a new train rolled into the station. “Train,” he said. “Choo Choo Train.” 

“Yeah. That’s a metro train.” Nicole stooped down to keep holding his hand as he half ran to the train. 

“Meadow train,” Darren repeated. 

Waverly followed closely behind them as they stepped onto the train and found a two person seat. Waverly sat next to the window and set down the bag and stroller. Darren crawled into her lap so he could see out the window. 

The trip into the city was punctuated with the occasional shriek from Darren as he spotted something new. He especially loved the stop at the airport, where he could watch a plane taking off. Darren’s enthusiasm was infectious. Nicole and Waverly kept looking for new things to point out to Darren. A cement truck, the backs of buildings, a tunnel, he was fascinated by all of it. 

They disembarked at the Smithsonian station and Nicole led them up to the Mall exit. The steep escalator up was dizzying, but this time it was fun to experience it through Darren. Once they were back above ground, Waverly opened the stroller and tried to get Darren to sit down.

The sun was shining, and the wide open lawn called to Darren. He pulled to get away and run. 

“Is it ok if we let him run around a bit?” Waverly asked. “He’s been sitting for so long.”

“That sounds great. Why don’t you put your bag in the stroller. I’ll push it and you take Darren,” Nicole offered.

“Thanks. I can’t believe we’re here.” She gave a happy squeak as she looked around. “We’ve lived so close, but haven’t come in. Now it seems stupid. This wasn’t that bad.” She let out a sigh. “There’s the Capitol, the Smithsonian, the Washington Monument…” She picked up Darren, and spun with him in her arms, pointing out the different buildings to him. “We’re really here!” Waverly set Darren down and pointed him toward the grass. “Do you want to play chase?” she asked him.

He let out a joyful shriek and took off running. 

“I’m gonna get you,” Waverly called behind him and started to slowly chase after him.

Nicole pushed the stroller to the edge of the grass and watched Waverly and Darren running freely through the grass. 

After a couple minutes of chase. Waverly suggested that she and Darren have a race back to Nini. Darren took off before Waverly could even count down to start. Darren hurtled toward Nicole at his top speed. She bent down to grab him as he threw his arms up in the air in a final launch at Nicole. She lifted and swung him up in the air as he screamed out and giggled.

Waverly reached them and laughed as she put her hand on Nicole’s back. “I’ll have to be careful with him. Pretty soon I won’t be able to keep up.” She smiled up at Nicole and Darren as she caught her breath. 

 

When they got to the Washington Monument, Waverly found a park ranger and asked him about the cherry blossoms.

“They aren’t blooming yet, but they are starting to bud. If you’re here in a week, they should be beautiful,” he told them. 

Waverly looked at Nicole. Then they both looked down at Darren. He was happy enough running around on the lawn, and a few people were flying kites behind the Washington Monument. The kites were keeping his attention at the moment.

“Do you want to just hang out here? It’s kinda nice to sit back and enjoy the nice day. We don’t need to walk down to the Tidal Basin,” Nicole said.

Waverly was watching Darren jump up and down with his head craned all the way back. He lost his balance and toppled back, his little feet ending up straight in the air. He lay back in the grass and watched the kites from his new position.

“He looks pretty happy,” Waverly said, then looked up. She closed her eyes and let the sun shine down on her. “This is so nice,” she said quietly. “The sun, and the grass…” Waverly took a relaxing breath. “The monuments, Capitol, and the White House. I forget how much history is surrounding us here. I feel like I’m stuck in my own little world of motherhood, and I don’t ever look outside of it.” She looked over at Nicole. “Thank you for this.”

Nicole sat down in the grass next to Darren. “I needed a break, too. This is just what the doctor ordered. Maybe when I move here, we can come into town together to check out the museums.”

“I’d like that.”

Nicole lay down beside Darren. “Hey buddy, when I move down here, I’ll find you a kite and we can fly it together.”

“Fly a kite.” Darren pointed at a small red, white, and blue kite with a long blue tail. 

“Hey Darren?” Nicole started to ask, but looked over at Waverly for permission, “do you want to chase the kite?” She waited for Waverly’s nod of approval, before she stood up. “Come on, I bet you can’t get the kites” she teased.

Darren popped up and took off toward the tail. The wind blew back his curls and he shrieked the entire run down the gentle slope to where the kites were being flown. Nicole ran after him, threatening to pick him up if she caught him. Darren giggled loudly and shrieked again as he changed direction and started to circle back.

Darren looked like he was going to run back to Waverly, who was by then sitting in the grass next to her stroller. She was watching them run. Then he spotted an old tree and started to run to it. 

Nicole caught up to him. “Do you want to see the tree?”

“Up.” He pointed at the tall branch above Nicole’s head. 

“No, I can’t let you climb the tree. But maybe we can find a lower branch and I’ll hold you,” Nicole said.

“Up in tree?” Darren asked.

Nicole picked up Darren and they looked for a low branch. “What about this one?” she asked. Nicole walked over and set Darren down on a low branch. She kept her hands on him in case he lost his balance.

Within seconds of placing Darren in the tree, a park ranger in an olive green uniform walked over. In a stern voice, he said, “Ma’am, you’ll have to take your son out of the tree. We don’t allow climbing.”

Nicole frowned at him then looked down at Darren. He’d called Darren her son. When the realization dawned on her, she smiled back a huge grin, thanked the ranger, and lifted Darren out of the tree. She hugged Darren to her side, still grinning. “I’m sorry. We’re new here. We didn’t know.” 

The ranger nodded his head. “That actually goes for all the tree along the Mall and Tidal Basin.” 

“We’ll remember,” Nicole said sweetly. He tipped his hat and walked away.

“Do you want to chase the kites, again?” Nicole asked Darren. 

He’s pointing up at the sky and yelled “Kites.” 

 

After watching the kites for a couple minutes, they walked back to Waverly.

“What did the park ranger tell you?” Waverly asked. She was frowning at Nicole.

“Oh, he told us we weren’t allowed to climb the trees.” Nicole said, as she sat down next to Waverly. Darren flopped over onto his mom’s lap. Waverly caught and hugged him close, kissing his cheek. He squirmed and tried to push his way out of Waverly’s hold.

“That’s bull-doody,” she said, returning her attention to Nicole. “I just watched two kids climb the other tree and he didn’t say anything to them.” Her face was starting to steel. “I should say something to him.” 

“Waverly, it’s fine.” Nicole put her hand on Waverly’s arm. “We watched the kites instead.” She paused a little, “It was funny, though, he thought Darren was my son.”

“Well, you two looked like two peas in a pod over there.” Waverly smiled at her. “I’m really glad you get along so well. By the way, are you getting hungry?” Waverly asked. She scooped up Darren in her arms. He shoved a finger up his nose and happily picked it. “Oh don’t do that.” She pulled the finger from his nose. “Nicole, do you mind, in my bag is a package of baby wipes. Can you grab me one?”

“Sure.” Nicole said through a laugh. She opened the bag. There was a ton of stuff in there. Diapers, creams, toys, and extra cloths. Off to the side, she found the package of wipes, and handed one to Waverly.

Waverly held Darren still as he tried to wiggle out of her grasp. She wiped both his nose and his hands.

Nicole watched the dance between mother and son. He whipped his head back and forth as Waverly tried to clean his face. “What are you hungry for?” Nicole asked, once the cleaning was done. 

“Why don’t you choose, maybe something close, though. I think Darren’s going to need something to eat soon.”

“Do you need to nurse him?” Nicole asked.

“No. He’s nursing a lot less these days. I think he’s starting to wean himself. He only nurses now if he wakes up in the middle of the night.”

“Oh.” Nicole said, a little sad. She pulled out her phone to look up restaurants nearby. “There’s a pho place close by. I’ll bet they have a vegan pho. Do you want to try it?”

“You were serious about that?” Waverly asked.

“Of course. It’s part of the adventure.”

“Alright then. Lead the way.” Waverly put Darren into his stroller.

 

It took about fifteen minutes to walk to the pho restaurant. By the time they arrived, Darren was getting fussy and wanted out of his stroller. The place was a little hole in the wall, and it had a small dining room that wasn’t crowded. They were seated right away, and the waitstaff found a highchair for Darren in the back. The waiter left them with two menus.

“I can’t believe we’ve never been into town before now.” Waverly said, looking over the menu. “This has been a lot of fun.”

“It has. I’m glad you’re ok with coming in. I think I needed this.”

“School still stressful? Any more papers to write?” She looked at Nicole hopefully.

“Not yet. That all happens at the end of the semester. No, I had a weird fight with X while he was driving me to the airport.” Nicole set her menu off the side. “I’m wondering if this move is coming at the right time. We’ve been so close for so long, but maybe we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves.”

“What’s it been like being friends with X this whole time? Has it been weird, knowing how you met?” Waverly asked, looking back at her menu.

“No. Not at all. Almost the opposite. It’s been a relief that we don’t have to explain certain things to each other. We just know.”

“Have you been this close since you left Hope, or did you find him later, too?”

“We’ve been friends the whole time. We’ve always been close.”

“So, did you date him?” Waverly’s voice was light, but she had a stiffly nonchalant look on her face. She was still looking at the menu.

“Waverly,” Nicole put her hand on Waverly’s forearm. She looked up at her. “You know I’m gay, right?”

“That doesn’t mean you couldn’t date him.”

“True. But no.” Nicole smiled at Waverly. “I’ve never dated him. Never even thought about it.” She laughed. “Although my mom would have understood our relationship better if we had.”

“What does your mom think?” Waverly asked.

“Once she realized that X was a permanent part of my life, she really hoped that I’d end up marrying him.”

Waverly giggled into her arm and ruffled Darren’s hair, who was driving his yellow truck across the table top. “She knows you’re gay, too?”

“Yes. Nothing like wishful thinking.” Nicole answered as the waiter walked back up to their table.

“Have you made your decisions?” He asked.

“Do you have a vegan pho bowl?” Nicole asked him.

“You want the tofu bowl? Big or small?” He smiled at them.

Nicole looked at Waverly. “Do you want to get two big bowls?”

“I don’t know that we’d need that much food. Darren and I can share a small bowl.”

“Two small bowls, then.” Nicole answered the waiter.

“The spring rolls here are also vegan, if you would like some. They’re like egg rolls, but no eggs.”

“Yeah, let’s try an order of those, too.” Nicole smiled at him. The waiter nodded and walked away.

“Nicole, we don’t need that much food.” Waverly lightly admonished her. 

“Come on. This is the adventure. Has Darren tried an egg roll before?” She asked.

“No. But…”

“No buts. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I’m really excited to share this with him. I can’t wait to see how he reacts.” Nicole looked over at Darren. “Hey buddy, are you excited to try a noodle soup?” 

Darren looked up from his truck and stuck his tongue out. “Yeah.” He said with a breathy grin. 

“So am I. It’s going to be super yummy.” Nicole rubbed her stomach. 

Darren imitated her and rubbed his own stomach. “Yummy.” Then he lifted his shirt up and exposed his belly.

“Oh don’t do that, sweetie.” Waverly pulled his shirt back down.

“Good thing I’m not imitating him.” Nicole joked. She was pleased to see a flush grow across Waverly’s cheeks and her ears turn red.

“Well, if you want to lift up your shirt in public, I’m not going to stop you,” she said back without looking at Nicole.

The waiter brought out their noodle bowls and a small plate with the spring rolls. He also brought a smaller bowl for Darren and gave it to Waverly. Waverly thanked him and started to dish out some of the noodles for Darren as well as a few pieces of the tofu and a little of the broth. While she was waiting for the soup to cool, she wiped down Darren’s hands and put away his truck. 

Nicole was watching Darren while trying to doctor her own soup. She really hoped that he liked it. 

Darren grabbed a handful of the noodles and shoved them inelegantly into his mouth. About half of them fell onto his lap. 

“Good thing I have a change of clothes for him.” Waverly said, as she watched him eat. He quickly grabbed a second handful and shoved that into his mouth.

“He seems to like it.” Nicole offered. She tried a taste of her own soup. The vegan broth was a bit more bland than the traditional beef broth she was used to, but it was still good. 

“I wonder what he’ll think of the tofu.” Waverly said, still watching him. She picked up a piece of the tofu and held it out to Darren. He grabbed it and quickly ate it, almost without chewing.

Nicole laughed. “I’m not sure he even tasted it. I don’t think it lasted long enough in his mouth.” 

“He eats just like Champ.” Waverly said. “Neither one of them seems to chew anything, they just pile in the food and swallow.” 

Darren grabbed another handful of noodles and this time got most of them in his mouth. A few strands were hanging down his lips. He tried to suck them in, got frustrated, and bit them off. The strands joined the growing pile in his lap. 

“Noonals.” He said, pointing down at his bowl. 

“Are they good?” Nicole asked him.

He gave another hearty, “yeah.” 

“What about the tofu? Is that yummy, too?” Waverly asked, and she held out another piece of tofu to Darren. He grabbed that and shoved it in his mouth.

“I guess that’s your answer.” Nicole grinned.

“It’s funny, I never thought he’d like tofu.” Waverly admitted. “I was honestly a little afraid to try it with him.”

“What were you worried about?” Nicole asked, before taking another bite of her soup. 

“Actually, I was more worried about Champ’s reaction. He has this thing that ‘real men eat meat’.” She mimicked a man’s voice. 

Nicole snickered and tried not to spit out her soup. She coughed after swallowing. “Does he know what that sounds like?” 

Waverly pursed her lips, held back a laugh, but didn’t respond. 

“Seriously, though. Why would he care if Darren tries tofu?” 

“It’s like he wants everything a certain way. And if they’re not that way it reflects poorly on him. Or it’s a personal insult to him. Tofu isn’t manly.”

“Did he know you were vegan?” Nicole asked. She set down her spoon and focused on Waverly.

“It was just a phase I was going through. A rebellious teenager.” Waverly said, then quickly took a small bite.

“Like me being gay?”

Waverly didn’t respond. “He just wants things a certain way. So I guess I do them.”

Nicole sat back in her chair. She wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Well, she did, but she wanted to be nice.

“Sometimes I feel a little trapped.” Waverly’s voice was smaller, hardly above a whisper. “I’m out here all on my own. I’m completely dependent on Champ. I really don’t know anyone. All I am is a mom and a wife.”

“Waves.” Nicole started, but Waverly cut her off with a wave of her hand.

“You know, your Christmas visit was the first time I felt really alive in a long time. I was actually excited to do things, go out.” Waverly was staring at her bowl. “I felt like I was more than just a mom for once.” She took a few breaths. “Or a wife.”

Nicole was dumbfounded. 

She reached out and gently rubbed Waverly’s back. A tear dropped down onto Waverly’s cheek and she quickly wiped it away. She blew out a quick breath, put on a wide smile, and shook her head. “Sorry about that.”

“Waves.” Nicole was still rubbing her back.

“It’s ok. Really. Just me being silly.” She looked over at Darren and pushed more of her own noodles onto Darren’s plate. He was double fisting the noodles at that point. “I should have gotten him his own bowl.”

Still with her hand on Waverly’s back, Nicole said, “I’d give him some of mine, but I put hot sauce in it.”

“That’s sweet, but we’re ok.” 

“You should give him a bite of the spring roll. See what he does with that.” Nicole said.

Waverly nodded and quickly grabbed the plate with the spring rolls and cut one of them up. Nicole rested her arm on the back of Waverly’s chair, so that her fingertips were still resting against Waverly’s back. Waverly leaned back a little into her touch.

 

When they finally made it back to Waverly’s apartment, Darren was asleep in his car seat. 

Nicole looked over at Waverly as she cut the engine. The rest of the afternoon had carried a weight of superficiality. But now that they were back at her apartment, and Darren was asleep, the car provided a certain amount of privacy for the two of them.

“Do you want to leave the car seat installed like last time?” Nicole asked.

“If that’s ok with you. It will make the morning easier,” Waverly said, looking out the front windshield at the building. 

“Waves.” Nicole reached out and placed her hand on Waverly’s shoulder.

“Please don’t tell Champ what I said before.” She was still looking out the window.

Nicole gently squeezed her arm. “I would never.”

Waverly nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it more?” Nicole asked.

Waverly shook her head. 

“Are you ok?” Nicole looked at her worried. “Are you sure you want to go home?” 

“Where else would I go?” she asked flippantly. 

Nicole suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe. Ideas and thoughts were spinning through her head. Her heart was pounding. A part of her wanted to back out of that parking space and just drive away, never coming back. She wanted to pull Waverly out of that situation, like a person drowning in a pool. 

She forced herself to calm down and regain control. Waverly didn’t need her to be crazy, she needed her to be strong. “Are you safe?” Nicole finally asked. 

Waverly finally turned her head and looked at Nicole. She could see the worry in Waverly’s eyes. “Of course I’m safe. This is my home.” 

“Has Champ ever hurt you, or Darren?” 

Waverly smiled easily and patted Nicole’s arm. “No. He’s never hurt either one of us.” She said reassuringly. 

Nicole’s ears were ringing with anger. “You know you can stay with me, if you need to. No questions asked.”

“Nicole, really. I’m fine. I had a great time today. I think you were right. We both needed a day off.” She opened the car door and walked around to get her stroller and bag out of the trunk.

Nicole jumped out of the car, and walked around to Waverly. Before Waverly could open Darren’s door, Nicole pulled her into a long hug. Her ears were still ringing, but she swallowed down her anger, and just held her. Waverly hugged her back, then pulled away.

“Thanks.” She said, as she opened the passenger side door. She bent down and gently lifted Darren from his seat. He woke up in the process and started to cry. 

“Here, let me help carry this up.” Nicole stooped down and picked up the diaper bag and stroller. She walked behind Waverly, who was trying to comfort Darren and free her door keys at the same time. 

Once inside the apartment, Nicole set down the items and watched as Waverly carried Darren back to his room. She could hear Waverly talk to him, encouraging him to play with his toys. Then she left the room, closing the baby gate behind her. 

“So, we’re still on for tomorrow?” Nicole asked, as Waverly walked back down the hall toward her.

“That sounds great. I’ll see you at eight?” She smiled at Nicole.

“Bright and early.” 

Waverly gave her arm a squeeze when she walked up to Nicole. “I’m really ok. I’m not in any danger. I would tell you if I was.”

“You sure?” Nicole asked.

“Of course.” Another quick squeeze. 

Nicole nodded her head and walked out of the apartment. She wanted to trust Waverly, but her gut was needling away at her. 

 

The next morning, Nicole arrived a little early, but Waverly was ready for her. When Nicole called her cellphone, Waverly said she just need to say goodbye to Champ and she’d be right down. 

When she walked out of the building, Waverly looked downright chipper. She wore a fitted skirt and white button down shirt, very professional. Even Darren had on a cute little brown outfit. Nicole on the other hand, felt like shit because she didn’t get much sleep. All night, she’d had visions of grand rescues, where she’d arrive just in time to save Waverly from Champ and take her home. She was half tempted to get up in the middle of the night and drive over, just in case she heard from Waverly, so she’d be there ready to jump into action. 

“Do you mind if we get some coffee.” Nicole asked after greeting Waverly and giving Darren a hug. “I had a long night.”

Waverly looked her over, then leaned in. “Are you hungover?” she whispered so that Darren couldn’t hear. 

Nicole laughed out. “No. I couldn’t sleep. I’ve had a lot on my mind.” She explained.

“Oh. Of course.” Waverly said. “There’s a Starbucks right here.”

“Anything more local?”

“There is a funky little coffeeshop by Darren’s pediatrician’s office. It’s a little out of the way, but it’s pretty nice.”

“That sounds perfect to me.”

The coffeeshop had a narrow storefront, but opened up in the back. It had a rough, concrete floor and dark walls that held several different artist’s work on display. Dance music was playing softly in the background and the front tables were all crowded. 

Nicole walked in and immediately felt at home. Their barista had a high pompadour, black plastic glasses, and a really warm smile. 

“What’s your poison?” they said. 

“Well, this is my first time here and I’m a bit of a coffee snob, so what do you recommend?” Nicole answered. 

Their warm smile grew even wider. “I would go with the pour-over, if you have a few minutes to wait. We have an excellent Guatemalan coffee that goes with it, but you can choose any of our coffees.”

“The Guatemalan sounds awesome. Thanks.” Nicole turned to Waverly, who was holding Darren. “Did you want one too?” 

Waverly shook her head, but was eyeing the small milk containers.

“Would Darren like a milk?” Nicole asked.

“Is that ok? I’ll pay you back.”

“Waverly, it’s fine.” Nicole leaned over, picked up one of the containers, and paid for the drinks. 

Waverly and Darren found a table in the back while Nicole waited for her drink. When she joined them, Waverly had out a notebook and small pencil bag with crayons for Darren. He was holding the milk box and busily drinking from the straw.

“So I was thinking,” Waverly started, when Nicole sat down next to her, “that I can help out by taking some notes and maybe a few pictures of the apartments while we’re there. That way we can remember what we saw and be able to compare them later.” She pulled a small digital camera from her diaper bag. 

“Wow, you’ve really thought about this.” Nicole took sip of coffee. She moaned into her cup.

“Good?” Waverly asked, looking her over.

“Better. This coffee is giving my life meaning.” She smiled back at Waverly. 

“I’m glad you’re so easily impressed. I hope the apartments are the same.”

“You know, you don’t need to do all that.” Nicole gestured at the notebook. “I just want to get a sense of what’s out there and how much it’ll cost.”

“And how are you going to remember all those details, if you don’t write them down?” 

“Plus, we’ll have Darren.” Nicole added.

“How about you hold Darren’s hand and I’ll take notes.” She pulled out a second, small pencil case from her diaper bag. Waverly unzipped it and took out a handful of colored pens. “I can use a different color for each apartment, so we can tell the notes apart quickly.”

“You should’ve gone to law school.”

Waverly laughed and shoulder bumped her. “I’m serious. This will be fun. I can’t wait to see what you pick out.” 

“Ok” Nicole laughed back. Waverly’s enthusiasm was infectious. 

“Do you know where you want to start?” Waverly asked, taking the milk box from Darren and handing him a crayon. She watched Darren scribble over a page in the notebook.

“There are several large apartment complexes near the end of the Blue Line for the Metro. They all have open houses on the weekends. Why don’t we start there.” 

“Sounds like a plan. I’m going to check his diaper and we can head out.”

When Waverly returned from the bathroom, Nicole had a lid for her coffee and was ready to go. They drove over to the Blue Line station and found three different apartment buildings. They pulled into the closest one and parked near the office. The front door was decorated with long strings of colorful balloons. Darren ran over and tried to grab them as they walked to the office.

Inside, a smartly dressed man walked up to them with his hand held out and a huge smile on his face. He appeared to be in his late twenties, and very energetic. “Hi, welcome to the Carleigh Apartments. My name is Mike. How can I help you?” 

 

Nicole shook his hand and returned the smile. “I’m Nicole, and I’m moving to the area in late May and I need to find a place to live.”

‘Well, you’re in the perfect place, Nicole.” Then Mike began to extol the virtues of the Carleigh. He started to ask her a bunch of questions about what she wanted in an apartment, and Nicole quickly realized that she was woefully underprepared. She had no idea how many bedrooms she wanted, a garage or just a parking space, a single floor or townhouse style, a loft or office space… 

The other thing she wasn’t clear about was how much she was willing to spend per month. She knew what her salary was going to be, but she hadn’t really broken it down yet. All the options quickly felt overwhelming, and she was grateful that Waverly was taking notes for her. 

They walked a few different floor plans. Nicole quickly settled on at least a two bedroom, after seeing how small the one bedroom apartments were. She liked the townhouse style better than the single floor plans, but she wasn’t sure she could commit to the added expense. 

After spending most of the morning wandering the property of the Carleigh with Mike. Nicole and Waverly both agreed that they needed a break and a lunch. As Waverly followed Mike back to the office to pick up some additional information on the floor plans, Nicole walked with Darren back to her car. She was done. She was tired, frazzled, overwhelmed, unimpressed. It felt nice just to be outside with the sun on her face and watching Darren jumping around the tower of balloons, yelling gleefully, while trying to grab at the bottom balloon. She pulled out her cell to see what restaurants were nearby. She really wanted to find a Thai place. After the success of the noodles yesterday, she thought it would be fun to try Pad Thai with Darren. 

When Waverly walked out, she carried a pile of flyers and a red balloon for Darren. “Look what Mr. Mike found for you.” She tied a loop on the end of the balloon’s string and put it over Darren’s wrist. 

“Boon.” He jumped up and down excitedly. 

“I found a Thai restaurant not too far from here. Does that sound good to you?”

“Sure.” Agreed Waverly.

“I thought Darren might like some Pad Thai.”

Waverly laughed and rolled her eyes. “I think he’ll love it. He couldn’t eat those noodles fast enough, yesterday.”

“That’s what I was thinking.” 

“Boon”

So they piled back in the car, carefully put the balloon in the backseat with Darren, and drove over to the Thai place. 

Just as they suspected, Darren loved Pad Thai. They ordered a small plate entirely for him, while Nicole and Waverly shared a large plate of green curry and a bowl of Tom Yum soup. 

Nicole almost spit out a mouthful of soup when she looked over and saw that Darren had managed to get the saucy noodles in his hair. Waverly just rolled her eyes and reached for the package of baby wipes.

“Hold up, I need a picture.” Nicole giggled, reaching for her phone. She looked over at Darren. “Do you like the noodles?” She asked in an animated voice. 

Darren nodded his head and rubbed his hands over his cheeks. He grabbed another handful and put his whole hand in his mouth. 

“Don’t encourage him.” Waverly said flatly, but then laughed. 

Watching his mom laughing, Darren pulled his hand out of his mouth and placed both hands on top of his head, depositing more food there. He shrieked out a laugh.

“Oh no.” Waverly said under her breath, trying to stifle her laugh.

Nicole quickly took picture after picture. Some of just Darren, some with Waverly. 

“Do not post those on Facebook.” Waverly said over her shoulder as she tried to clean up Darren’s mess. 

“Why not? I think they’re adorable.” Nicole leaned over to show one to Waverly. Darren had a long noodle hanging down his forehead and the brightest smile on his face. 

“Ok, that is pretty cute. Can you email it to me?” Waverly asked.

“Done. I sent you a few others, too.” Nicole replied. 

Once Darren was reasonably clean, Waverly turned her attention back to Nicole. “So what are your thoughts from this morning?” She asked. Waverly pulled out her notebook.

Nicole sat back in her chair. “It was pretty overwhelming. But I think I want at least two bedrooms, and if I can afford it, I’d rather have the townhouse. It feels more home-like. I’m starting my career, I want some place that feels like a home. Not a college apartment.” 

“Ok, two bedroom. That makes sense. Then you can have an office at home, maybe have a guest bed if X comes to visit.” 

Nicole realized she was thinking along very different lines. She had been visualizing the second bedroom as a place where Darren could play safely when Waverly came over. “Yeah, exactly.”

“And you need to come up with a budget.” Waverly declared. She turned to a blank page in the notebook. “Do you know what your monthly salary is?”

“Well, I know my yearly.” Nicole wrote out the number at the top of the page. Waverly’s eyes bugged out a little upon reading it. 

They took several minutes to figure out a good monthly budget for Nicole, trying to account for taxes, investments, and other expenses. When they left the restaurant, Nicole felt so much more grounded heading back over to the apartment complexes.

This time they chose a complex that appeared to be mostly townhomes. As Nicole drove past a row of homes, she saw each one had a garage and attractive brick front. These looked like actual homes, places where families would live, rather than singles. Already, Nicole felt more comfortable. 

When they walked in the office, an attractive woman with long blonde hair greeted them from behind her desk. She wore a tight sweater that did little to hide her ample cleavage. Nicole blushed slightly and tried to keep her eyes on point. 

“I’m Samantha Baker.” She stood and held out her hand to Nicole. “Are you interested in looking at our homes?” 

“I’m looking for at least a two bedroom place, I saw that some of your homes have garages, too?” Nicole said.

“All of our townhomes have built-in garages.” Samantha smiled at her, then looked over at Waverly and Darren. “Plus we have a large playground in the center of the complex, with tennis and basketball courts.” 

Waverly nodded in approval and asked, “What are the rates for your townhomes? Are they all two bedroom?”

“Actually, we have two and three bedroom townhomes on different sides of the complex. The three bedroom homes back up on the playground and are very popular with our families. Those units always go fastest. Are you looking to move in right away?”

“Actually, I won’t be moving until May, is that a problem?” Nicole asked.

‘No problem, we generally have something available, but if you are looking for a specific floor plan, we may have to get a little creative,” Samantha said. “Why don’t I take you around, show you a few different options and we can talk about costs.” 

Samantha led them to the first unit, a two-bedroom townhome on the front of the complex. On the walk over, Nicole spotted the playground between the buildings. It was full of big, plastic climbing equipment and slides, as well as a swing set. 

Darren also spotted the playground and started to whine when they were walking away from it. When they got to the unit, Waverly set Darren down to get out her notebook. He flopped to the ground and whined, “GO.”

“Not right now, sweetie. We’ll go in a bit.” She said, trying to keep an eye on Darren while organizing her notes.

“I can hold him.” Nicole offered, bending down to tickle Darren’s stomach. He giggled and lifted his shirt.

“That might be a good idea, or I won’t be able to take any notes.” Waverly said.

“You two are the cutest couple ever.” Samantha smiled at Nicole when she stood up with Darren in her arms. “It makes me so happy to see two women raising a family. How long have you been together?” She asked. 

“Oh, we’re not together.” Waverly corrected her quickly. She held up her left hand. “I’m married.” 

“We’re old friends from high school.” Nicole added. She made sure to cover up the hurt that Waverly’s comment left behind. 

“Oh. My mistake. I’m sorry to assume.” She smiled even more sweetly at Nicole. “So, are you single then, or do you have your own family hidden away?”

Nicole chuckled lightly. “I’m single. Just graduating from law school and moving to start a new job.” 

“I doubt you’ll be single for long, then.” Something in Samantha’s voice was a little suggestive. Nicole quickly wondered if the woman was flirting with her. 

Waverly seemed to think the same thing. She scowled at Samantha’s comment. 

For the rest of the tour through the two-bedroom apartment, Samantha addressed her comments almost entirely to Nicole, even when Waverly was the one to ask the question. She walked a little closer to Nicole as well, placing her hand on the back on Nicole’s elbow as she spoke about the features of the space. 

Waverly quickly abandoned her note taking and took Darren instead, becoming more and more quiet. On the walk over to the three-bedroom apartment, Waverly said that she’d take Darren to the playground while the two of them finished the tour.

“He needs to run off a little energy,” she said as they separated from the tour. 

When Nicole and Samantha returned, Waverly was pushing Darren in a swing, frowning away, lost in her own thoughts.

“Earth to Waverly.” Nicole said, as she walked up behind her. She placed her hand on Waverly’s shoulder and she startled. 

“Oh my God, sorry. I was really off in my own world.” Waverly shook her head and looked back at Nicole. “Are you done?”

“Yep. I just need to pick up some paperwork at the office, then we can head out.” Nicole said.

“If it’s ok, I’ll start putting Darren in his car seat.” 

Nicole smiled down at her as she handed off the car keys. Nicole hoped it was jealousy that had caused the change in Waverly’s demeanor. If so, she found it incredibly endearing. 

Back in the car, Waverly asked if they could just head back to her apartment. Darren needed a bath and a nap.

“Champ won’t be back until later, so we’ll have the apartment to ourselves for a while,” she added. 

Nicole nodded and pulled out of the parking lot. 

“So, what did you think of the apartments?” Waverly asked lightly.

“I thought they were nice. Better than the first place,” Nicole said.

“I don’t know. It felt a little impersonal to me. Every unit looks exactly the same. It’s a little boring.”

“I liked the garages. And the people there are nice.” 

Waverly looked down at her lap and played with her finger. “Samantha seemed… perky.” 

Nicole snorted out a laugh. “Waverly.”

“What? She was clearly into you.”

Nicole continued to laugh. “I’m looking for a home, not a date.”

“Good to know. She didn’t seem at all right for you, anyway.” Waverly said casually.

Nicole chewed the inside of her cheek and kept driving, letting the comment die.

Waverly grinned and looked over at Nicole. “I can’t believe she thought we were a couple.”

Nicole thought for a few seconds before responding. “I don’t know. I think we’d make a cute couple.” She paused for a moment, then added, “Like at Hope.”

“We never dated.” Waverly quickly retorted.

“I know.” Nicole said softly, feeling the sting of the comment.

“We were just good friends.”

In her head, Nicole thought- Sure, Waverly, whatever you say.

 

Back at Waverly’s apartment, Nicole was relieved to see that Champ was still at work. Waverly bustled them in the door. She held Darren’s hand and carried in her diaper bag, Nicole followed behind with a few odds and ends, as well as the red balloon. 

“First thing, this young man needs a bath, I can still smell the Pad Thai on him.” Waverly looked back over her shoulder as she walked Darren back to his room. “Can I ask a favor? Do you mind stripping him down to his diaper while I draw his bathwater?” 

Nicole set down the items she was carrying and let the balloon float up to the ceiling. “Sure.” She followed Waverly back to Darren’s room. 

“Just set his clothes in the hamper by the changing table and I’ll take care of the rest.” Waverly pointed at the white, plastic clothes basket. She left Nicole and Darren in the bedroom. Then from the hall she called out, “just keep him in the room until I come back, a naked baby can get into a surprising amount of trouble.”

Nicole laughed to herself as she walked over to Darren. She got down on her knees and sat next to the boy. “What are you playing with?” she asked him.

“Nini, look.” He told her and held out his hand. In it, he had a beat up board book. It was “The Littlest Dump Truck.” Nicole smiled as she remembered Waverly complaining about reading it over and over.

“Do you want me to read it to you?” She asked.

“Yeah.” His tongue slipped out of his mouth and he panted in a wide smile. Then Darren climbed easily into her lap and curled up. She kissed the top of his head, his soft curls tickling her lips. Through his hair she could feel the soft triangle of a gap in his skull. It made her pull back and look down, worried that she hurt him. He just put his hand on the book and tapped it. “Nini.” He reminded her. 

“Ok, The Littlest Dump Truck,” she started. In the back of her head, she thought to herself that she couldn’t believe this little creature, with a soft spot on his head, and someone else’s child, trusted her so completely.

She read the story. It was only a few cardboard pages long, but Darren knew every page intimately. He pointed out every truck and named them, telling her in his baby words what they did. She leaned in to hug him and could smell the sweetness of the lingering Pad Thai. That reminded her of her job. 

“Ok buddy, I need your help. We need to take off your clothes. Can you show me how to do that?” she asked.

Darren popped out of her lap, barely missing her chin with his head, and pulled at his little brown shirt. It was tucked into his pants, so Nicole started to pull the pants down. She quickly realized that everything was snapped and pulled together in a specific way. She had Darren lie down on the floor and took off his shoes, first. Then came the pants that buttoned up through the crotch. And finally came the shirt that was snapped closed around his diaper. When he was finally down to his diaper, Darren stood up and ran screaming in circles around his room. 

Nicole had never seen anyone take so much joy in being naked. He started to pull at his diaper, clearly trying to get fully naked, but Nicole grabbed him around his adorably full belly and picked him up. He shrieked in delight as she swung him up in the air, then caught him. 

“Again. Nini again.” He laughed when Nicole brought him back to her side. 

She flipped him a second time in the air and he cackled with glee. He was laughing so hard, he almost lost his breath.

“If you two are done goofing around, I think his bath is ready.” Waverly was standing in Darren’s doorway and watching them. Her hands were folded across her chest, but her eyes were crinkled up in a smile. She stood there shaking her head at the two of them. 

“You heard your Mama, time for a bath.” Nicole announced, and set Darren down on the ground. He ran over to Waverly and held up his arms.

Waverly picked him up and started to turn toward the bathroom. Then she looked back at Nicole. “Are you coming?”

Waverly got Darren in the tub. There were a few toys floating around, a couple boats and a few plastic fish. Darren obviously liked the bath. He splashed around and grabbed his boats. He pushed them through the water, spitting out a motor noise. Waverly kneeled down next to the tub and Nicole stood in the doorway. 

“You can come in, I’m sure he won’t mind. Bath time is one of his favorites.” Then she looked at Darren. “Is it ok if Nini joins us?”

He smiled back at her and held up his boat. “Nini.” 

Nicole walked in and sat next to Waverly. Darren was so completely unaware, or unconcerned, about his nakedness. It made Nicole blush and laugh. 

Waverly got a small washcloth and started to run it over Darren’s body as Nicole raced a plastic boat with him. 

Waverly had just asked Darren to stand up so that she could wash his privates and legs, when the phone rang. Waverly gave Nicole a pleading look. “Do you mind?” She asked, holding out the cloth. “I want to see who it is.” 

Nicole nodded and took the cloth. Waverly jumped up and ran out of the room to try and catch whoever was on the phone. 

Nicole looked at the soaking wet, naked boy standing in the tub before her. She was in completely foreign territory. He looked at her like she should really know what to do in this situation. 

Nicole held out the cloth to Darren. “Do you know how to wash yourself?”

Darren gave her a huge grin and said, “yeah.” He took the cloth and was about to put it in his mouth when Nicole grabbed it back. 

“Nope. Not like that.” She wiped her forehead against her arm. What the hell am I doing? “Can you wipe this cloth over yourself?” She tried again, holding out the cloth.

Darren grabbed the cloth and started to run it over his belly.

“Good. Good.” This was a start. If he could rub his belly, then he could rub the cloth a little lower. “Now scrub down your whole body.”

“Down?” Darren asked.

“Yeah, over your peepee.” Nicole hoped to God she guessed the right code word. 

“Peepee.” Darren smiled.

“Yeah, peepee.” Nicole let out a sigh of relief. He recognized the word. 

Darren frowned and Nicole watched him. Then a little fountain sprouted out into the bathwater. He was peeing in the tub. 

Nicole rolled back, and flopped against the cabinet behind her. She smacked her forehead. What the hell was she supposed to do now?

Thankfully, Waverly returned and took over.

“What happened?” She asked when she saw Nicole leaning against the cabinet with a pained expression on her face. 

“I was trying to get him to wash himself when he peed.” Nicole admitted. She looked up at her sheepishly. 

“I’m surprised it took him that long. Usually he does it right away.” Waverly said, sitting back down by the tub. 

“What?” 

“Oh yeah, all babies pee in the water. You’re lucky he didn’t poop. That’s happened to me a few times. The clean-up is torture.” She said easily, then laughed at Nicole grimace. “I just rinse him off with clean water at the end. It’s not worth drawing a whole new bath. Plus, now I only use bath toys I can clean in the dishwasher.” She took the cloth and finished cleaning his body. 

Nicole just watched her, amazed. 

“So you really thought you could get him to clean himself?” Waverly asked and chuckled.

“Well, I didn’t want to touch his you-know-what.” Nicole said, pointing at Darren’s crotch.

“His penis?” Waverly challenged her.

Nicole flinched. 

Waverly rolled her eyes. “You’ll have to get over that, if you ever want to be a parent.” She said, scrubbing Darren’s hair gently with shampoo. 

Nicole sat in silence and watched. Waverly was right. If she wanted Darren in her life, she’d have to get over some things. His having a penis being one of them.

“Who was on the phone?” Nicole asked, hoping to change the subject. Waverly was rinsing Darren off.

“That was Champ. He’s going out with some friends for a drink after work.” She said, opening the drain to the tub.

“Does he do that often?” Nicole asked.

Waverly wrapped a towel around Darren and lifted him from the tub. “Look, I need to get him dressed, but I think he’ll go down for a nap pretty quickly. Why don’t you wait for me in the living room. I’ll be out in a second.”

 

Nicole sat down on Waverly’s couch. She looked out the front window that had been mostly blocked by the Christmas tree the last time she was in the apartment in December. Their view was the parking lot and the backside of a Starbucks. 

Waverly quietly walked down the hall to join Nicole on the couch. 

“That was fast,” Nicole said in a hushed voice.

“Yeah, he usually falls asleep pretty quickly after a bath.” She ran her fingers back through her soft curls, pushing her hair away from her face. 

“So Champ’s out drinking?” Nicole wanted to continue the conversation.

“Yeah.” Waverly sighed, then she looked around the living room. Nicole waited for her to start up again, she could see it building in Waverly’s eyes. “I don’t like talking bad about Champ in front of Darren. I know he doesn’t understand what’s going on, but still…” She let the thought float off.

“How often does he go out after work?” Nicole asked.

“Often enough.”

“Does he come home drunk?” 

“No, not too bad. But I don’t like that he’s driving,” Waverly said, softly. “He’s just never here.”

“Are you worried he isn’t out drinking?” Nicole hoped that Waverly could understand her meaning.

“Do I think he’s having an affair?” Waverly confirmed. She shook her head. “I don’t think so. I used to think that, but now I don’t know.” 

“Are you happy?” Nicole asked. The question felt absurdly direct, but she didn’t know how to beat around that bush.

Waverly looked out the front window and smiled sweetly, then her chin quivered and a tear dropped onto her cheek. “This is Pandora’s Box,” she said, cryptically. Then she wiped the tear away, and blew out a quick breath. 

“What I feel is cut-off.” She restarted. “I’m cut-off from my family, my friends back home. Nothing here feels like it’s my own.” She looked over at Nicole sitting next to her on the couch. “Until you came for Christmas.” She smiled again. “You were MY friend. Not Champ’s, not ours. Mine.”

Nicole let that settle in. 

“Have you thought about getting a job, or volunteering? Giving yourself an excuse to get out of the house and meeting people?” Nicole asked gently.

“What would I do with Darren?” 

And it was as if reality had built a wall around Waverly’s possibilities. Nicole felt her own breath stifled sitting next to her.

“You are so much more than a wife and a mom, Waverly.” Nicole tried to reassure her.

“Thank you.” The look Waverly gave her told Nicole she really meant it.

“You know what, I should go.” Nicole stood up. Waverly joined her and stepped in close to Nicole, pulling her into a long hug. 

Waverly’s hands started around Nicole’s waist, then she pulled back to place them around Nicole’s neck. She hugged Nicole tightly, bringing her cheek to cheek. The soft brush of her cheek, and the light, feminine scent of Waverly’s hair, slammed Nicole into a head-on collision with the memory of their kiss at Hope. 

Nicole pulled away. “I should head out before Champ gets home,” she said, and then left.

 

The next morning, Nicole was feeling more grounded. She wasn’t plagued with thoughts of rescuing Waverly, so she slept better. During her dinner after she left Waverly’s apartment, Nicole used her time alone in the restaurant to do a little research into apartment complexes around the metro stop. 

Additionally, Nicole felt like she had been granted a certain amount of clarity where it came to Waverly.   
Waverly cared for her, she trusted Nicole, and Nicole was an important part of her life. Also, whether Waverly was ready to admit it or not, the feelings they shared at Hope were still there. And finally, Waverly’s marriage wasn’t as sure as she let on to the outside world. 

What this meant for Nicole was: first, she wasn’t crazy, and second, she just had to be patient. When Waverly figured that all out, Nicole would be ready. And hopefully living close by.

She could be patient. Nicole could be endlessly patient. She’d been waiting for fifteen years, she could hold out a little longer. 

This clarity gave Nicole a lightness. The weight was off her shoulders, the decision wasn’t hers to make, so she could focus on what she truly had control over. She needed to find a home before flying back the next day.

 

She picked up Waverly at eight. After putting Darren in his car seat, Waverly suggested they go back to the same coffeeshop as the day before, but Nicole shook her head.

“You know what, I’m good. I want to get going.” Nicole smiled at Waverly’s surprised expression. “I did some research last night during dinner. I found a couple places I’m excited to check out.”

Waverly’s smile slowly grew. It was like she was finally seeing Nicole clearly. “You did research?”

“Yep. I took your lead from yesterday. It was a great idea.” Nicole leaned across the car’s center console and placed a chaste kiss on Waverly’s cheek. “You ready?”

Nicole didn’t bother to see what effect her kiss had, she focussed on driving instead.

When Nicole pulled into the driveway of the complex, she could already feel a difference. The complex was laid out in short streets that looked like a neighborhood. The apartments appeared to be mostly townhouses, and in the center of the complex was a small rec center, pool, playground, and picnic area. There were several kids playing on the playground when they pulled into the parking lot of the office. Darren noticed the kids playing and wanted to join them. 

They entered the office, and again found someone ready to greet them. This time it was an older woman with salt and pepper hair and welcoming smile. Nicole held Darren’s hand as Waverly looked for something in her bag. 

The woman knelt down. “Hello there, handsome,” she greeted Darren. He pulled away and hid behind Nicole’s legs. “What’s his name?” she asked.

“This is Darren, and I’m Nicole,” she said, then gestured at Waverly, and was about to introduce her when Waverly jumped in. 

“I’m Waverly.” She smiled sweetly.

The woman rose and addressed Nicole and Waverly. “My name is Bea. How can I help you today?” She held out her soft, brown hand. They each shook it in turn.

“I’m looking for a two or three bedroom townhome, for May,” Nicole said. “I was impressed with your amenities online, and was hoping to take a look at some units.”

“That’s wonderful. I’m glad you had a chance to learn about our community. We feel this is a special place, considering it is largely a commuter community. We mostly have families living here, so there are plenty of children. We even have our own school bus stop by the playground,” she explained. “How old is Darren?” 

Waverly quickly answered. “He’s almost two. He’ll be two in April.”

“Oh, so you have some time before school starts. Well, I’d be happy to show you a few different options. If you want to follow me.”

Nicole picked up Darren and followed Waverly and Bea out the front door. She got the feeling that Bea thought they were a family, and she was intrigued that Waverly didn’t correct her right away. She hugged Darren as she walked behind Waverly. He whined and tried to push her away. Nicole laughed and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek and he started giggling. He grabbed Nicole’s face and pushed her away again. 

“Nini.” He giggled. “Stop.” 

Nicole leaned in again, and Darren giggled harder. “Stop,” he sighed out and leaned back in Nicole’s arms, revealing his neck. 

Nicole mimed that she was going to lean in again and Darren gurgled out a bubbly, high-pitched sigh that ended in more giggles. Then he started to hiccup. 

Waverly had been asking Bea about the floor plans, when she turned to the two of them and rubbed Darren’s back. “Are you paying any attention?” she asked Nicole.

Nicole grinned at her and shook her head. She looked down at Darren. “Nope.”

“Nope.” Darren repeated.

“Do I need to separate you two?” Waverly asked. 

 

They walked up to the first unit and Bea explained that this was a two bedroom, two and a half bath apartment. It had a garage in the back that was accessible by an alley. 

The front door opened into a large living room, dining room, kitchen combination. The stairs up to second floor were behind the front door and the garage and a powder room were behind the kitchen. 

Nicole set down Darren and looked around the living space. The open-plan reminded her of her apartment in Bloomington. She immediately felt more at home. She walked into the kitchen and opened a few cabinets.

“It could be a lot of fun to arrange this space,” Waverly said, walking through the staged living room. “You wouldn’t have to set it up this way. You could do so much with it.” 

Nicole smiled at her before walking into the pantry. From the small room, she heard Waverly talking to Darren. 

“Just imagine what we could do with this space. This could be a play area,” Waverly said.

Bea broke in. “We also have a unit that has an office space on the ground floor, many families use that for a play-room.” 

Nicole stopped and waited to hear how Waverly would respond. 

“That’s great. Isn’t this fun, Darren?” 

Nicole heard Darren whine. 

“Let’s just see this unit and then maybe I’ll take you over to the playground. Ok, sweetie? Just a little longer.” 

Nicole walked back out and joined them. “I’d like to see the bedrooms.”

“They’re both upstairs. The master bedroom has its own bathroom, and then there’s a bathroom in the hall next to the second bedroom. It’s perfect for little ones. It has a full bathtub.” 

Waverly didn’t look at Nicole, but buried her face in Darren’s chest as she started to walk up the stairs. Nicole could swear she saw her blushing. 

Bea followed with Nicole and continued her walk-through. “Utilities are included in the rent,” she explained, “as well as the monthly amenities fee. We try to make it as simple as possible, so you only have to write one check per month.” 

They followed Waverly and Darren into the master bedroom. Waverly set Darren down and made a slow spin to take in room. It was huge, with two large windows that left the room feeling light and airy. Two doors stood open at the end of the room. One led to the bathroom and the other to a walk-in closet. 

“Wow!’ Waverly said. Darren walked into the closet and Waverly followed him. “Oh my gosh, this is huge!” she called from inside the closet. Then she carried Darren back out and walked into the bathroom. 

When she came out, she had a huge smile on her face. “They have hers and hers sinks.” She beamed. 

Darren started to get fussy again. He was trying to push his way out of Waverly’s hold. “Down,” he insisted.

“Do you mind if I take him to the playground for a while?” Waverly looked between Bea and Nicole. 

Bea spoke up first. “Of course, it’s just next to the office.” 

Waverly was watching Nicole for her reaction. Nicole nodded. “If you want, I can carry your bag,” she offered.

Waverly shook her head. “I’ll keep it with me, just in case.” 

“We have a bathroom with a diaper changing station in the office, if you need one, dear,” Bea said. 

Waverly thanked her and left with Darren. Nicole and Bea continued their tour. 

“I want to let you know that we have a few other same-sex couples here, but I don’t think they have children. You’d be our first same-sex family, if I’m not mistaken.” Bea walked them into the master bathroom.

Nicole saw the two sinks. “Thanks.” 

“We also have a non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation. In case that’s important to you.” Bea said.

Nicole looked at her. “Thank you. It is, actually.” 

Bea smiled at her. “We’re trying to create an inclusive and welcoming community here. We have a yearly picnic for our community members and show children’s movies on the lawn by the office on Friday nights in the summer.”

“That sounds perfect.” Nicole said.

“You all seem like a great little family,” Bea said. “It would be nice to see you here.”

 

After quickly touring the three bedroom unit with Bea, Nicole said that she wanted to find Waverly before heading back to the office. 

“Sure. I’ll give you some space to talk things over. I’ll be in the office when you’re ready,” Bea said before walking off.

Nicole found Waverly at the playground. Darren was climbing up a small, red slide and slipping back down. Waverly was watching him from a bench.

She patted the seat next to her when Nicole walked up. “What did you think? I’m sorry I wasn’t taking notes this time. I guess I was a little distracted.”

“You seemed to like this one better, though,” Nicole said.

“Yes, but it’s not up to me.”

“What did you like about it?” Nicole asked.

“I liked the openness. I loved the big windows and all the light. And I guess if it was for me, I like the playground and pool.”

“Yeah, me too. It will give you an excuse to come visit me.” Nicole said, shoulder bumping Waverly. “I think this is my favorite.” She looked out at Darren who was climbing onto a plastic boulder. “If you thought we had time, I’d like to put in an application here.”

Waverly looked at Nicole. “Are you sure? Did you want to see any more apartments first?”

Nicole wrinkled her brow and shook her head. “That’s ok. This feels like home. It feels right,” she said. 

Waverly quietly considered what she said. “Ok, then. I guess we’ll wait for you here.”

Nicole walked over to the office. Twenty minutes later, she came out with a copy of her application in hand and a big smile on her face. She held out a red lollipop to Waverly. “Bea gave me this to give to Darren,” Nicole said as Waverly took the candy. “But I’ll let you be the judge of that.” 

 

Nicole was feeling on top of the world as they packed up Darren and thought about where they wanted to go for lunch. 

Waverly was putting Darren in his car seat while Nicole was looking for a place for lunch.

“I want to celebrate,” Nicole said, looking down at her phone. “Would you prefer Indian or Chinese?”

Waverly pulled her head out of the car. “Indian might be too spicy for Darren.”

“We could always get him a saag paneer or butter chicken. It’s not vegan, but those are pretty mild.” 

“I want to try Chinese.”

“Ok,” Nicole smiled at her. “There’s a place that has four stars not too far from here. We can try it.”

When they arrived at the restaurant, Nicole sat so that Darren was in between them. She insisted that they try a few different dishes. The vegetarian menu was really extensive, and Nicole was excited to try several different things. 

While they were ordering their food, inspiration struck, and Nicole asked if they could have a plate of fried tofu for Darren. The waiter smiled and wrote down the order without question. Waverly looked at Nicole when the waiter left. 

“I thought you might want to see what Darren thinks of plain tofu, see if he likes it. Then you’ll know if he’ll eat it in anything.

Waverly smiled but shook her head to dismiss Nicole.

When the food arrived, Nicole set the plate of tofu within reach of Darren. Waverly put some noodles and vegetables on his plate, but as soon as he found the tofu, he went to town. He ate the tofu like it was going out of style. Waverly was stunned by his enthusiasm. 

“How did you know he’d go for fried tofu?” she asked.

“He’s his mother’s son,” Nicole answered.

Waverly blushed. 

“Can I ask you something?” Nicole took a bite of food.

“What is it?”

“Why didn’t you correct Bea today? When she thought we were a couple?” 

“I don’t know,” Waverly said, lightly. “I just thought it wasn’t worth the fight.”

“I doubt she would have fought us?”

“Nicole, why do you care?”

“No reason. You just corrected the woman from yesterday.”

“You mean Samantha?” Waverly said it a little bitterly.

“Yes. You corrected Samantha, but not Bea.”

“I don’t know. It was easier. I guess it was fun to imagine that I was going to be moving into the apartment. I got wrapped up in the fantasy of choosing a new place. A whole new beginning.”

Nicole nodded her head. “You know you can come over any time you want, when I move here. You don’t even need to ask. If I move into that place, it’ll have a playground and a pool. I’ll want you to come over and visit.”

Waverly smiled at her. “I’d like that. And given how much Darren liked the playground, he’d like it too.”

They ate a little more. Darren had wolfed down so much tofu, he wasn’t very interested in the rest of the food. He started playing with his yellow truck and the wooden chopsticks. He made train tracks for his truck to drive along.

Both Nicole and Waverly were watching Darren play, when a question popped up in Nicole’s mind. She thought about letting it go, but then reconsidered.

“Waves. Do you ever think about our time at Hope?”

Waverly watched Darren. He was trying to put a stick into the bed of the little truck.

“I used to wonder what happened to you after we left. When you left.” Nicole continued when Waverly didn’t say anything.

Waverly looked up at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I thought you’d call me or write, or something.” Nicole said.

Waverly went quiet again. 

“What happened when you left Hope?” Nicole asked.

Waverly let out a deep breath. “Nothing. I moved to Colorado. I was there, Nicole. You were back in Indiana. I just wanted to get away from all that.”

“Did you ever think of me? Wonder where I was? How I was doing?” Nicole asked.

“Of course.”

“I thought about you,” Nicole admitted.

“Really?” Waverly asked it like she was surprised.

“Of course. You were the first woman I kissed. How could I not think about you.”

“Nicole. We were just kids.”

“When did you meet Champ?”

Waverly let out a sigh. “When I moved to Purgatory. He was one of the first people I met at the high school. He took me under his wing and introduced me to everyone. As soon as I met him, I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy Waverly, or Wynonna’s baby sister, or the kid of the drunk that hit his daughter and was shot by her. I was just Waverly. I was just me.”

‘You were always just Waverly to me.”

“Nicole. That was different. We were in the hospital. Of course we found comfort in each other.”

“Is that what you thought we were doing?” Nicole asked.

“That’s all it was. That’s all it can be.”

“That isn’t what it was to me, Waverly.” Nicole said. The truth hurt, but she needed to tell Waverly. “You were really important to me.”

“We were just kids.”

“Waverly. You were my first.”

“You never practiced kissing at a sleepover?” Waverly asked.

“You did?” Nicole was stunned by her revelation.

“Well, I mean, you know girls.”

“No.” Nicole insisted. “I know women who are attracted to other women,” Nicole sat back, completely shocked. “You kissed other women before me?”

“Just at sleepovers.”

“Just practicing?” Nicole asked.

“Yeah. You didn’t do that?”

“No. I kissed people I wanted to kiss.”

“You kissed me,” Waverly said.

Exactly, thought Nicole. The silence spoke volumes.

“Did you ever like me?” Nicole asked eventually.

“Nicole.”

“Waverly.” Nicole took a moment. She thought about what she wanted to say. Then thought again. Nicole questioned if she really wanted to say it. 

 

Nicole looked at Waverly: her dark green eyes and long brown hair, her jawline and cheekbone, her slim nose and narrow neck. 

“What?” asked Waverly.

“Never mind. I guess I was mistaken,” Nicole said, but every fiber in her body screamed otherwise. Patience, she told herself. She knew what she felt. She knew it wasn’t a lie or practice.

Waverly shook off the conversation and turned her attention back to Darren.

 

When they got back to the car, Nicole asked Waverly if she had more time that afternoon.

“Of course. I was planning on looking at apartments with you all day. Why?” Waverly asked.

“Because,” Nicole said. “You have been a huge help to me these last couple days. I want to do something for you.”

“I’m fine. You don’t owe me anything.”

“No really. I was thinking that if you want, we can go to the library. I’ll watch Darren while you use the library resources to look for a job. Or you can just do something for yourself.”

“That’s ok, I don’t need…”

“Waverly. Let me do this for you. You’ve been saying that you feel stuck. Take this chance to just see what’s out there. We’ll find tons of books to read. We’ll be fine, and you can just look into your options.” 

Waverly studied her, surprised. “Are you sure?”

“Of course. Darren and I will probably have more fun than you, anyway.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?”

“You bet,” Nicole answered.

Waverly smiled, then bit down on her lips. She nodded, trying to hide her smile. “I mean, it doesn’t hurt to just look, right?” She scrunched up her nose.

 

In the entrance of the library, Nicole took Darren’s hand. Waverly handed her the diaper bag and gave her one last questioning look.

“I’ve got this,” Nicole said. “Go see what’s out there.” Darren started to pull her hand, trying to lead Nicole. “Find a reason to get out of the house.” She gave Waverly a wink as Darren pulled her back to the children’s section. 

Just past the information desk and next to the young adult’s fiction was the children’s section. The space was divided off from the rest of the library by a row of different colored couches that backed up against a row of standing computers. Within the kid’s section were low shelves, each with a few picture books propped open on top. 

Once they were inside the semi-contained area, Nicole let go of Darren and he ran off between the shelves. She set the diaper bag down on the red couch, and, by standing near the first row of shelves, Nicole could watch Darren moving through the stacks. 

He quickly grabbed twenty different books. Any book that had a truck on it was brought over to Nicole. She started to make a stack of them next to the bag.

“See trucks,” he said, pointing at the picture on the cover of one, before handing it off to Nicole. He toddled off between the shelves again.

A librarian walked over to Nicole.

“I’m so sorry; we’re making a mess,” Nicole quickly apologized when she spotted her, and tried to stack the books more neatly. 

The librarian smiled at them. “Oh no worries. I’ve seen worse than this. I just want to let you know that when you’re done looking at them, all you have to do is put them on the cart, and we’ll re-shelve them for you.” She smiled at Nicole and pointed at a cart by the entrance to the Children’s section. 

“Thanks. That will be a huge help.” Nicole said, looking down at the growing pile of truck books. 

“Of course. Is there anything I can help you find?” she asked.

“Actually, do you know if you have a copy of ‘The Littlest Dump Truck?’ It’s his favorite story,” Nicole asked.

“Let me check our system and see.” 

A few minutes later, the librarian returned and stooped down at a far shelf. She scanned the books, running her finger over the spines. “Here it is.” She pulled a large picture book from the shelf. After walking back, she handed the book over to Nicole. 

“Thanks,” she said, a little surprised. It wasn’t a board book like the one Darren had at home. This was a full children’s story. Turning to Darren, she held up the book. “Hey buddy, look what the librarian found for us.” His eyes lit up. “Do you want to read it?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he yelled out. 

Nicole quickly shushed him. “We can’t yell in here. Ok?” 

Darren brought his finger to his lips and shushed, too. 

Nicole sat down on the red couch and Darren climbed up next to her. As they settled in, Nicole thought she caught a whiff of something a little off. Like someone had farted nearby. The smell quickly dissipated, and Nicole started the book.

The real story of “The Littlest Dump Truck” was far more extensive than the board book. It was quite a bit longer, too. About half way through, Nicole caught the same scent in the air. She looked over her shoulder at a gentleman standing at the computer table behind them. She grimaced, and tried to refocus on the book. Darren was happy as a clam. He was enthralled by the new, longer version of his favorite story. But he started to squirm and climbed into Nicole’s lap. 

And then it hit her, what the smell was. Or probably was. She looked down at Darren, who was turning a page of the book. She leaned over slightly and took a sniff.

Yep. Definitely that. 

Shit, she said in her head. She turned around on the couch to scan the library, hoping to spot Waverly. She was nowhere to be seen. Shit, shit, shit. Nicole looked back down at Darren. 

There was a dirty diaper emergency, and Nicole was in charge. 

She looked down at the diaper bag and wondered if she could handle it. She kinda wanted to redeem herself after the bath incident. And she definitely wanted Waverly and Darren in her life, which included dirty diapers.

Plus, this was a thing that she’d have to do if she and Waverly ever got together. 

Nicole picked up the bag. “Hey buddy, I think we need to change your diaper.” 

“Poopy diaper,” he said.

“Yes,” she rolled her eyes, “thanks for the heads up.” She was a grown adult, she reasoned with herself. She could do this.

She left the book behind and took Darren into the bathroom. There was a diaper changing table along the wall next to the hand dryers. She pulled the table down and set Darren on it.

Darren started to roll and squirm on the table, and Nicole wondered how clean it was. She kept one hand firmly on Darren as she tried to look through Waverly’s bag. Tucked into a side pocket, Nicole found a large folded pad. She brought it out. 

Changing pad, she thought. Right. She quickly slipped the pad underneath Darren and looked around her to see if anyone was watching. All she needed was an audience for her inadequacy. 

She looked back in the bag, and found the wipes and diapers. She pulled them out and started to get ready to change the diaper. She unfastened Darren’s pants and pulled them up, unsnapped the shirt and made sure everything was out of the way for the big diaper reveal. The smell was almost overwhelming. Nicole suppressed a gag and coughed into her hand.

Just then, an older woman walked into the bathroom. Her hair was almost entirely white, and she had deep smile lines outlining her eyes. She nodded kindly at Nicole as she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. 

Then she crinkled up her nose and looked at Nicole through the mirror. 

Nicole was in a small panic. She didn’t want the older woman to realize just how incompetent she felt and start to criticize her diaper changing skills. The woman looked like someone’s grandmother. She’d probably been changing diapers her whole life and could do it blindfolded. She could probably smell the fear on Nicole and would soon start to rain down unsolicited advice and judgement on her. 

Nicole tried to talk softly to Darren as she waited for the other woman to finish and leave. He was getting bored and started to kick out his legs. 

“Nini! Down.” He tried to roll off the table, but luckily Nicole had her hand firmly planted across his stomach. 

“Is everything ok, dear?” The question came from behind Nicole. 

Oh shit, here it comes, she thought.

“You look a little frightened,” the woman said, stepping next to Nicole to dry her hands. She gave Nicole a warm smile. “Of course I’d be just as lost. Diaper changing has become something completely new since I was doing it.” She gave Nicole’s shoulder a little squeeze once her hands were dry and winked at her kindly.

“Yeah?” Nicole asked. “Actually, this is my first diaper.” The woman looked at her questioningly. “I’m a good friend of the family, and I’m watching him while his mom is doing some research.” She didn’t want to ask for help, but she also kind of did.

“Oh boy,” the woman said, “and you got a stinky one for your first try.” She laughed lightly, then looked over at Darren. “I hope you know how much she loves you.” She tapped his nose, and Darren blew out a raspberry. “Well, I don’t know how much help I can offer, but I can stay here as moral support. If you want.”

Nicole let out a relieved sigh and said, “yes, please.”

“Ok, first step, let’s get prepared. Do you have a new diaper and some wipes?”

Nicole held out both the wipes and a clean diaper. 

“Fine.” The woman said. “Good. I’ll hold those, and you take off the diaper.”

Nicole looked down at Darren, she braced herself for the worst, and pulled the two tabs to free the front of the diaper. 

He was a complete mess. Nicole would have laughed if she wasn’t immediately overpowered with a need to retch. The woman handed her two wipes quickly.

“Just try to push the worst of it into the diaper,” she said.

Nicole wrinkled her nose and stared at the brown mess covering just about everything when suddenly Darren started to pee. His stream shot straight up into the air. He giggled as he peed and it changed heights with his laugh. 

“Uh oh. Boys do that.” The woman said, and dropped a wipe over Darren’s penis to contain the fountain.

Nicole was horrified. She froze, wondering what other surprises Darren had in store for her. 

“He didn’t get you, did he?” The woman put her hand on Nicole’s shoulder. 

Nicole pulled herself together and shook her head. She had a job to do. “No, he didn’t get me.” Then she addressed Darren. “You little stinker. Did you try to pee on me?” she asked him, jokingly. 

He giggled again. “Peepee on Nini.” He laughed out loud at his rhyme and then started to repeat it. “Peepee on Nini. Peepee on Nini.”

Nicole rolled her eyes and set to work on the clean up. 

The woman told her to grab Darren by his ankles to lift his bottom off the dirty diaper and and she was able to get all the poop off of him with just a few wipes. She wrapped it all up in the dirty diaper and the woman tossed it in the trash can, before washing her hands once more.

“Before you put on the clean diaper, you may want to use some baby powder. I used to put powder on after poopy ones, to keep my kids from getting diaper rash,” she explained.

Nicole cleaned her hands on a new wipe, then looked through Waverly’s bag. There were a ton of things in the bag, but no obvious baby powder. She pulled out a small purple tube. Nipple cream. Nicole dropped it quickly, and blushed hard as she pulled out another. Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

“That’s what you need,” the woman said, looking over Nicole’s shoulder.

“So what do I do with it?” Nicole held the tube like it contained a science experiment. 

“Put some on your fingers and you’ll need to cover his whole diaper area. From stem to stern.”

Nicole flinched. “Really?”

“Really. It will help a great deal.” The woman smiled at her. “I think you’ve got everything under control now,” she said, turning to walk out of the bathroom. “You did a good job.” 

Nicole took a deep breath. It was easier now that the dirty diaper was in the trash. Darren lay on the changing table, bare from his waist down. He was watching her expectantly. 

“Does Mama put this on you?” Nicole held up the tube so that Darren could see it.

He reached out for it. “Yeah.”

Nicole kept the tube out of his hands, and mentally tried to prepare herself. 

It was one thing to wipe him off with the baby wipes. She wasn’t really touching his penis directly. But this would be different. It felt kinda wrong to do it, like she had absolutely no business touching his privates. Why weren’t babies born knowing how to clean themselves? That seemed like an obvious evolutionary oversight. 

Nicole looked up at the ceiling. She guessed this was her chance to get over the whole penis thing. She looked down at the tube, opened it up and pushed out a small amount onto her fingers. 

And then she did it.

And honestly, it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. It just was. She had to do it, so she did, and then it was done. 

She wiped off the excess paste on another wipe and quickly got Darren redressed. Once his feet hit the ground again, both he and Nicole did a victory dance. He continued to cheer and dance in a circle as Nicole thoroughly washed her hands. 

She emerged from the bathroom a conquering hero, the diaper bag in one hand and Darren chubby little palm in her other. She strode over to the children’s section, plopped down on the red couch, and picked up the dump truck book. Darren climbed up on the couch and crawled into her lap. He curled up and rested his head against her chest. 

“Nini, read.”

Nicole chuckled, and then started the story.

 

After three times through the story, Nicole noticed that Darren was getting really still. He wasn’t talking as much, or pointing out things in the book. His little hand was loosely clenched and rested across her stomach. The warm weight of his body resting against hers felt so comfortable. His head started to droop and Nicole wondered if he was asleep.

She was thinking about that, wondering if she should check, as she tried to keep reading the story. Her eyes got heavy and the weight of the book seemed to be growing by the minute. When she finished the story, her voice was barely above a whisper. She set the book down by her side and wrapped her arms around Darren and held him to her. 

She closed her eyes for just a second. It felt so nice to have Darren asleep on her lap. The soft press of his chest with every breath was so soothing. The warmth of his body sank deep within her. He was like a tiny, breathing, cuddling, electric blanket. His curls tickled her chin where his head lay just under her neck. She snuggled her head closer to him, so his hair didn’t tickle her. And she breathed in the wonderful smell of clean baby…

Then Nicole felt someone jostle her shoulder.

Nicole startled awake. Her head popped up and she hugged Darren closer to her chest. He stirred against her.

Waverly was crouched in front of her with an unreadable smile on her face. Her eyes were twinkling. She rose as Nicole got her bearings. 

“Where am I?” Nicole asked, still a little confused.

“You guys are adorable.” Waverly’s enigmatic smile grew into a wide grin. 

Nicole answered with a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, too.” 

“You’re fine.” She reached down and ruffled Darren’s hair. He stirred again and whined in his sleep.

“By the way, your son tried to pee on me,” Nicole said, as she pushed herself up in the couch with one hand. The other still held Darren to her. 

“He did?” Waverly’s smile fell off into a worried look.

“He had a poopy diaper and then he peed when I changed it.” Nicole smirked.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry.” Waverly closed her eyes and groaned. “You could have come and gotten me.” 

“Actually, we were fine.” Nicole’s smirk expanded into a heartfelt smile. “And a little old lady came into the bathroom and rescued me. She walked me through it.” Then she frowned. “I used the butt paste. She told me to put it on, so I did. I hope that’s ok.”

“Nicole, that’s great.” Waverly stooped down and reached her hands under Darren’s arms and lifted him in a fluid motion as she stood. He immediately curled into her body, resting his head on her shoulder. She cuddled him and rocked her body back and forth. “You just earned the A star for babysitting.”

Nicole slowly pushed herself into a standing position. She didn’t realize how stiff her knees had become while sitting with Darren on her lap. She stretched out her back.

“You ok there?” Waverly asked her.

“Just getting old.” 

Waverly laughed at her and kissed Darren’s forehead. “Do you want to get out of here?” she asked.

“Yes, please.” Nicole followed her back through the library and out the front sliding door. 

At the car, Waverly managed to get Darren in his car seat with only a minimal interruption to his nap. 

“You really tuckered him out.” Waverly said, while gently closing the car door to the back seat. 

“It was a really big, poopy diaper,” Nicole admitted.

“Geez, it didn’t leak, did it?”

“Leak?” Nicole asked in horror. “No. Thank God.” She winced at the thought. 

“Good. Small miracles.” Waverly said under her breath. 

Once they were both in the car, Nicole asked Waverly how her job search went.

Waverly quickly bit her bottom lip and looked at Nicole with an expectant grin.

“What?” Nicole asked.

“Well…” Waverly drew out her response. “Not only did I look into jobs, I actually found one and applied for it.” She beamed.

“No way!” Nicole looked at her, incredulously. “What’s the job?”

“Actually, it’s at the library. It’s a research librarian position. I’d help people with their searches and organize the shelves.”

“Waverly, that’s wonderful.”

“I know. But the best part is that it comes with benefits. It’s a county job, so I’d have access to county daycare centers, which are subsidized.”

“Really? That sounds like a great fit. What do you think about it?” Nicole asked, starting to drive back to Waverly’s apartment.

“I can’t wait. I spoke with the head librarian and she was really impressed with my research skills. I was working with her to look for job opportunities and I found things that even she didn’t.”

“I’m not surprised.” Nicole kept her focus on the road, but she couldn’t stop smiling.

“You know what the clincher was?” Waverly paused, waiting for Nicole to ask.

“What was it?” She played along.

“I pulled up your article in the law journal with my edited byline. It gave me clout.” She bounced in her seat. “I can’t wait to tell Champ. He’ll be so excited.”

Nicole kept smiling. Even the mention of Champ didn’t diminish the pride she felt for Waverly. 

“Waverly, you’re really something. That was all you.” 

Waverly squeaked out a short yip of excitement. “I can’t believe I did it.”

“And it sounds like you rocked your first interview,” Nicole said.

Waverly looked at Nicole confused. “It wasn’t really an interview, like you did.”

“Of course it was. It sounds like yours was actually harder than what I went through. And you did beautifully.”

Nicole heard Waverly sigh. 

“Did they tell you anything more?” Nicole asked.

“No. She said that she’d get back to me if I got the job.” Waverly said.

“Well, it sounds like you’re a shoe-in.” 

“I hope so.” Then almost to herself, Waverly said, “I really did it.”

 

Back at Waverly’s apartment, Nicole helped her get everything out of the rental. Waverly carried the still sleeping Darren, while Nicole managed to unlatch the car seat, and carried both it and the bag up to the apartment. 

Nicole set the things down in the living room, as Waverly carried Darren back to his bedroom. A minute later she walked back into the front room. 

“I should hire you to wear him out,” Waverly joked. 

“That is one job I’d be happy to accept. Though, I think I’ll leave the diapers to you, if that’s ok.” Nicole grinned.

Waverly laughed and nodded her head. “Yeah. Ok.” She looked around her apartment and let out a soft sigh. “Seeing those townhomes makes this place look drab,” she said, wistfully. 

“Well, you’ll be welcome to visit anytime. I’ll even give you a key.”

Waverly looked at her quickly. “Why?”

“Well, that way if I lock myself out, you’ll be able to rescue me. X and I have each other’s keys in Bloomington. It’s kinda nice knowing he can come over in an emergency.” Nicole stopped for a moment. “Plus, then you’ll have access to the pool area at the complex.” 

Waverly smiled again. “Darren will love that.”

“Well, I should probably head out.” Nicole pointed at Waverly’s front door. 

“Yeah.” 

“Next time you see me, I’ll be living here,” Nicole said.

“And maybe I’ll have a job.” 

Nicole leaned in to give Waverly a hug. “If they don’t hire you, then they’re complete idiots. And you’ll find something better.” She rested her cheek near Waverly’s ear. 

Nicole felt Waverly give her an extra tight squeeze. “And you let me know if you have any more research papers to work on, ok?” 

Nicole nodded against Waverly’s shoulder. They were still hugging. Nicole felt the tips of Waverly’s hair brush against her hands that were wrapped around Waverly’s waist. 

“It’s a good thing I’m moving here. Saying goodbye is getting harder.”

Nicole felt Waverly press her face to Nicole’s shoulder and nod. 

“I’m really proud of you. For applying for that job. That was really brave,” Nicole said.

Waverly let out a deep breath and lifted her head to rest her chin on top of Nicole’s shoulder. “Thanks.”

“And thank you for helping me on my housing search. You’re a great partner.” 

Nicole heard and felt Waverly giggle against her. 

“Alright, I really gotta go, or we’ll still be here hugging when Darren wakes up,” Nicole said, starting to pull back a little. She didn’t feel Waverly let go. 

Nicole turned her head and placed a gentle kiss to Waverly’s cheek. As she pulled away, Nicole felt Waverly’s head lean in and follow her lips. Waverly turned so that she was almost facing Nicole. 

Nicole’s stomach jumped and her core clenched. A shot of electricity raced through her. Waverly’s lips were so close to her own. All she would need to do was lean in just a little bit more…

But Nicole stopped herself. Patience, she thought. Patience. She was playing the long game, and one kiss under the wrong circumstances wasn’t good enough.

“I’ll see you in May,” she said and took a step away from Waverly. Nicole’s hand rested on the front door knob. She gave Waverly a sad, little smile, and turned the knob and walked out. 

Once the door was closed behind her, Nicole let out a deep breath. She was ok. 

She walked back down to her car. This was ok.

She opened the car door. She did what she needed to do.

She started the car. Waverly would have to be the one to make the first move. 

 

The next morning at the airport, as she waited for her flight to start boarding, Nicole felt her phone buzz. 

She looked down a the caller ID; it was Waverly.

“Hey Waves.” Nicole answered. But she didn’t hear an immediate response. “Waverly?”

Then Nicole heard a breathy sob through the phone. “What’s wrong?” Nicole spoke with a firm voice. 

“Champ is mad…” Waverly hiccuped, “he’s mad I got a job. He wants me at home.” Waverly hiccuped again. “He said my job is to raise his son.” Waverly’s voice was quivering. 

Nicole stayed silent and let Waverly continue.

“I told him about the job last night, and he got really pissed. He said ‘what kind of mother would I be, if I’m never at home.’” Waverly took a loud breath. “He said he wouldn’t complain about the extra money, but he wants me to stay at home with Darren, and he’ll bring home the pay.”

“Waverly, that’s complete bullshit. Nowadays both parents usually work. What does he expect? You pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen?”

“I think that’s exactly what he wants. He said if I’m bored, I should get pregnant again.” 

“What do you want?”

“I WANT THE JOB, not another kid.” She hiccuped. “I love Darren to death, but I can’t stay in this apartment forever. It’ll drive me crazy.”

“Did you hear back from the library, yet?”

“No. Not yet. But it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even want me looking for a job.”

“Can I ask you something?” Nicole hesitated. She bit her lip and continued. “Have you ever thought about getting a divorce?”

“NICOLE! How can you even say that? How can you ask that? How dare you say I should get a divorce. We had one little fight and now you want me to get a divorce. He’s my husband, Nicole. Husband. That means something to me, ok. I made a commitment to him and now I’m going to fulfill it. I’m not going to walk away because of one little fight. Ok?” She yelled through the phone.

“Ok. I’m sorry I suggested it.” Nicole frowned and looked out across the boarding area. 

“You don’t know what I want.” Waverly continued to yell. “You don’t know who I am.”

Nicole bit off her snide response and let it go. “Fine.”

“Fine.” Waverly said in finality. 

“I have to go soon. My flight’s starting to board.” Nicole rolled her eyes and smacked her head softly against the back of the seat. “Do you want me to call when I get home?”

“No. I’ll be fine. I just need to talk to Champ.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine.” Waverly said firmly.

“Ok,” Nicole said and took a deep breath. “I care about you a lot, Waverly. If you ever need anything I’m here.” 

“Thanks Nicole.” Waverly’s voice had softened. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“No. I was being insensitive. I know you’ll make the right decision for yourself about the job. And whatever you choose, I’ll support you.”

“That means a lot to me, Nicole. Thanks.” She hesitated before continuing, “I wish it was May.”

“Yeah. Me too. Bye Waves.”

“Bye Nicole.”

 

When X’s car pulled around the curve at the airport arrivals area, Nicole put her small suitcase in the backseat and then sat shotgun. 

“How was the flight?” X asked. His behavior was reserved.

“Fine. It was good.”

“How are you doing?” he asked next.

“I’m fine.” Nicole looked at him. “And before you say anything, I’m really fine. It was a good trip. I found a place to live in May.”

“And Waverly?”

“She’s ok. We had a good visit. I think I’m starting to understand our relationship better. Like, how I fit in her life.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, I can just be friends. I’m ok with that. Her marriage isn’t the best and if we’re meant to be, it will happen on its own time. But it’s not really in my hands.”

“Good.”

“And, can I apologize for getting mad at you before? I think I was jealous. At first, I thought you were trying to set me up with someone to keep me here. Then I thought you were replacing me with Rachel. Anyway, it hurt to think of you two running around, having all the fun that we used to.”

“Nobody could replace you, girlie. We’ve shared too much.” 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” 

X laughed at her. It felt nice to hear him laughing. “Well, before you go apologizing too much, your mom called me again. Did you not call her this entire time?”

“Oops?” Nicole asked, unconvincingly.

“I told her you were coming home today and I’m sure if you don’t call her first, she’s going to hound us both.”

“I’ll call her when I get home.”

“She really wants to come to your graduation.”

“I guess if she wants to be there, she can. But she drives me up a wall.”

“I know. But you only graduate from law school once. Hopefully.”

“How did I get her not to show up for our college graduation?”

“I think your parents were in the middle of their divorce. Plus, I think you insisted that neither one of them come.”

“Oh right,” Nicole said, dejected. “I guess that won’t work a second time.”

“Nope. You gotta deal with it.”

 

When Nicole got back to her apartment, she set down her suitcase and dropped off her backpack by her study nook. She looked at her phone. No new messages. 

That was a good thing on the mother front, but a bad thing on the Waverly front. Nicole tried calling Waverly. She was redirected to her voicemail.

“Hey Waves, I just want to let you know I got home safe. X and I had a good talk on the way, so no more weirdness, ok? I hope there isn’t any weirdness here, either. I’m sorry I brought up the D word. Anyway, give me a call when you get a chance. I want to hear about what your plan is regarding the job.” Nicole looked around her apartment. It looked cold and lonely. “I miss you. But I mostly miss Darren. Poopy diapers and all. He’s a great kid, and I had a lot of fun this trip getting to know him better.” She smiled at her memories. “Give me a call, ok? Take care, Waves.” She ended the call. 

Nicole took a deep breath and headed back into her living room to start unpacking her suitcase. 

 

When she finished unpacking, Nicole decided to bite the bullet and call her mom.

She picked up after a couple rings. “Hi Sweetie. How are you? I heard you were in D.C. Was this for your new job?”

“Sort of. I was picking out a place to live when I move there in May.” 

“Oh, that’s exciting. Did you find something nice?”

“Yep. I found a small townhouse near a metro stop that I can use to get into town.”

“That’s wonderful. Tell me about it.”

“Uh, ok,” Nicole started. She sat down on her couch and tucked up her legs. “It has two bedrooms and two and a half baths. It has an open plan living room, dining room and kitchen. Kinda like my apartment here. The complex has a pool and playground. They seem really nice there.”

“That’s great. Although I don’t know how much use you’ll get out of the playground, her mom laughed.

“Well, actually, I looked at the apartments with a friend who has a young son. He seemed to really like the playground.”

“You’ve already made a friend out there?” 

Nicole paused to think about how she wanted to explain the situation. “Actually, it’s someone I knew from high school.” 

“I thought you didn’t like any of the girls from your high school.”

“True,” Nicole said. “It’s someone I met at Hope.” Nicole waited for the inevitable questions.

“Oh.” Her mom hesitated for a moment. “That’s nice.” Another pause. “I didn’t realize you were in contact with anyone else from Hope. I thought it was just you and X.”

“It was. But a few months ago I found Waverly on Facebook and we’ve reconnected. She’s married and has an almost two year old son now.” Nicole picked at a hangnail on her thumb. “She lives outside of D.C., so when I got the job, I went down to visit the city and met up with her.”

“How nice,” her mom said. “So she went with you to look at apartments?”

“Yep.”

“That must have been really nice to have someone who knows the area.”

“Absolutely.” 

“So what does she do for a living?”

“Uh. Right now she’s staying home with her son, but she recently applied for a job as a librarian.” 

“Oh how wonderful. You don’t hear that anymore, mothers staying home with their young children. What a blessing for her. Her husband must be so supportive to allow her to do that.”

“Yeah.” It came out almost as a groan.

“What’s wrong dear?”

“Nothing.”

“Now don’t do that to me. I know when something is bothering you.”

“Ok fine. Waverly’s husband isn’t that great. She’s ready to get a job and have a life outside the house, but he won’t let her.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yeah. It’s so frustrating because Waverly is this beautiful, brave, energetic person, and her husband has somehow subdued all that.”

“What about her son?”

“Darren is great. He’s this adorable bundle of joy. He loves reading books. And would you believe I actually changed a diaper on this trip?”

“You changed a diaper?”

“Yes. A poopy one. And then he fell asleep on my lap while I read him a story about trucks. He is so cute I just want to hug him. He gets so excited when he sees me. I got him a little yellow matchbox car for Christmas and every time I come over, he brings his truck to show me.” Nicole could feel the excitement course through her.

“That’s wonderful. You seem very close.”

“Yeah. And guess what he calls me. Nini.”

“That’s precious.” Nicole could hear the smile in her mom’s voice. 

“Yeah.” She took a deep breath. She didn’t realize just how worked up she had gotten, talking about Darren. “He’s a great kid.”

“He sounds like it. So tell me more about Waverly.”

“What’s to tell?” Nicole immediately shut down.

“Oh come on now. I know you. You’re not going to change a poopy diaper for just anyone.”

Nicole suddenly felt her face flush. Was her mom calling her out? The thought scared Nicole. Was she that transparent?

Nicole tried changing the subject instead.

“Hey Mom, if you don’t mind my asking, how did you make the decision to get a divorce from Dad?”

“Oh well, that was a long time ago.”

“I know, but I was just wondering.” Nicole held her breath for a second and then barreled forward. “Because I asked Waverly if she’d ever thought about getting a divorce from her husband and she got really mad at me.”

“Oh dear. You’ve always been one to poke the dragon, haven’t you.” Her mom chuckled. “Never could let sleeping dogs lie.”

“Mom.”

“Ok. Your grandmother and Aunt Jane used to ask me if I thought about divorcing your dad years before I actually did it. And it would make me so mad when they did.” Her voice became urgent. “I hated when they’d suggest it, like it was a forgone conclusion. It felt like they were undermining my own choices, my own voice.”

“Oh.” Nicole thought about Waverly.

“The decision to get a divorce is never an easy one, even if it seems like it from the outside. And it’s especially hard when children are present.” Her mom cleared her throat. “My advice to you is let Waverly come to you with her decision, but it’s just that. Her decision. Even if it seems as plain as the nose on your face. It has to be her decision, and all you can do is be there for her.” 

“Yeah.” Nicole said under her breath.

“I had a high school friend that was in an abusive marriage. All of us would talk about it. We’d encourage her to leave him, but she never did. We got fed up listening to her complain and then in the next breath make excuses for him. We were stupid and didn’t know anything about all that. But eventually she did leave him. Years later, he hit her so hard that he put her in the hospital. He was arrested and had to spend a couple days in jail. That gave her the chance to get out. She reached out to us, and told us she was ready. She stayed with one of our friends for a while until she got on her feet. When we asked her what changed, she said that it was finally her choice.”

“Wow, Mom. I didn’t know.”

“Well, of course not. You were pretty young. I wouldn’t discuss something like that with a child. But she’s safe now.” She paused a moment. “I’m telling you all this because I wonder if she would have left him sooner if we hadn’t bugged her so much about it.”

“I got it. Thanks, Mom.” 

“Of course, dear. I do wish her the best. I know that isn’t easy.”

“Yeah.” Nicole leaned back into her couch. “So that was deep.”

Her mom chuckled into the phone.

“Can I ask you something else?” 

“Sure, honey.”

“Can you stop calling X?”

“Well, dear, if you’d return my calls I wouldn’t have to call X.”

“Ok fine. Can we make an agreement, that I’ll call you back, like within 24 hours of your call, and you leave X alone.”

“I like X. He’s very responsible.”

“I know, Mom, but seriously. It feels weird that you keep calling him to talk to me.”

“I still think you two would be a great couple.” And before Nicole could even open her mouth to protest, her mom continued, “I know, I know. You’re gay. But just think about the stability and safety of having a police officer in the house.”

“He’s a great guy.” Nicole laughed and shook her head. “So can we set up some rules for graduation, if you’re coming?”

“Oh, I’m definitely coming.”

“Fine. But no talk of marriage between X and I.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“That’s it?” her mom asked.

Nicole looked around her living room. That was the only rule that popped up into her head. “Yeah.”

 

 

1993:  
Nicole was jostled awake by a shake to her shoulder. When she opened her eyes, Nicole saw that their bedroom was very dark. 

“Nicole?” Waverly’s voice was a whisper. 

Nicole focused on the sound and looked up to find Waverly standing at the head of her bed. Her hand was still resting on Nicole’s shoulder. 

“What’s wrong?” Nicole croaked out, then cleared her throat. “What’s going on?”

“Can I sleep with you?” Waverly brought both arms up to hug herself. “I’m freezing. And I miss Wynonna.” 

Now that Nicole was fully awake, she could see Waverly actually shaking. “Yeah, sure.” She held up the edge of her blanket for Waverly, who immediately climbed in next to her. 

“Thanks.” As Waverly settled in, she rested her head on Nicole’s shoulder and snuggled her, draping her arm across Nicole’s stomach and holding her tight. 

“Are you ok?” Nicole asked again. She could feel Waverly shaking against her.

“No.” Waverly spoke into her shoulder. “I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about her. And then I got so cold, I was shivering and I don’t know what to do. Mr. Plumpkins wasn’t cutting it.” 

“You’re worried about Wynonna?” 

Waverly nodded into her shoulder. “What if she’s cold? What if she’s worried about me? What if she can’t sleep either and I’m not there?”

“Wynonna made me promise to take care of you. I think that was her biggest worry about leaving. That you would want to follow her to the state hospital.” Nicole brought her arm around Waverly’s shoulders and hugged her. “I think it helped her knowing that we were here together. That you weren’t alone.”

“I’m so glad, too.” Waverly nosed into Nicole, and held her stomach a little tighter. “Is this weird for you?” 

Nicole stopped to think about Waverly’s question. She wasn’t sure what she meant at first. Then it hit her, it didn’t feel weird at all. Holding Waverly, snuggling in with her, felt totally normal. Actually, it felt completely comfortable. 

“No, I like this,” Nicole whispered back. 

“Me too. You’re really warm.” Waverly’s body gave a sharp shudder and then started to calm. 

“Do you know when Brad came through last?”

Waverly shook her head. “Not since I’ve been awake.”

“We’ll have to be really careful. I don’t want to fall asleep and have him catch us.”

“I wish I could.” Waverly’s voice sounded softer, more drowsy. “I think I could fall ‘sleep right now.” She nosed Nicole’s shoulder a second time.

“You better not. We’d be in so much trouble if he catches you in my bed.” Then Nicole started to laugh, she couldn’t hold it back. “Can you imagine me having to explain what you were doing in my bed to Susan? I think she’d murder me.” 

“Or strand you on a sinking boat.”

Both of them started to giggle lightly. 

“You’re sure this isn’t weird?” Waverly asked softly.

“No. Is it weird for you?”

“You know what’s weird? How not weird it is. Does that make any sense?”

Nicole grinned widely and nodded her head. “That make perfect sense. I was kinda thinking the same thing.” Nicole heard Waverly laugh. 

“I’m so glad you’re my roommate, so we can do this.”

“I know,” Nicole agreed.

Just then Waverly yawned.

“You better not be falling asleep. If you fall asleep, then I’ll fall asleep…”

“Then keep talking to me.” Waverly’s voice sounded deep and welcoming. 

The intimacy of that statement sent a shiver down Nicole’s body. All they were doing was lying in bed together, and yet Nicole’s body felt awake in a way it never had before.

Questions went racing through her mind. Some more appropriate than others. But one question kept needling it way to the top. 

“Hey Waves, why don’t you ever talk about your Dad?”

The question settled down into the bed with them.

“I do. In therapy. All the time.”

“But not with me, or X, or Jeremy…”

“I don’t want to. It feels too big.” Waverly stopped, and Nicole felt Waverly’s chest expand and contract into her side. “I don’t want to talk about it with you. I want to talk about happy things with you.”

“You know you can, though. If you want to, or need to.” Nicole gave her a little hug.

“Do you ever feel like you’re holding Pandora’s Box? Like if you open it, all the bad things in the world will come spilling out, and you’ll never be able to put them back in again?”

Nicole nodded. She didn’t really feel that way, but she thought she understood what Waverly was saying.

“That’s me. But I feel like I’m smarter than Pandora. I can keep the box shut. I’m not even tempted to open it.” She paused a moment. “I’m stronger than her. I’m really good at keeping it closed.”

“Don’t you think that’s why you blow up every now and then. Wouldn’t it better to let it out?”

“Shut up, Rosita.” Waverly gave a light tap to Nicole’s chest.

“Is that what she says?” Nicole chuckled as she asked.

“Yes. I didn’t realize that I’d be getting more therapy by joining you in bed.”

“Sorry. I was just curious. It seems like your Dad dying would be a big deal, something you’d talk about all the time.”

“He wasn’t much of a Dad.” Then Waverly was quiet again. She tapped out a beat against Nicole’s stomach, like she was trying to figure out what to say next. Nicole closed her eyes and waited for Waverly to start again. “It’s funny, sometimes I completely forget about him, and it…” Waverly let the statement drift off.

“Maybe it’s what you need to do to stay sane,” Nicole offered.

“Looks like I’m doing a great job of that,” Waverly said sarcastically, then laughed into Nicole’s shoulder. 

Nicole hugged her again. “Hey. I think you’re doing an amazing job of it.”

Waverly bent her knee and rested it across Nicole’s legs. “I wish I could stay here.” She sounded sleepy again. “I want to sleep here.” 

Nicole listened to the sound of Waverly breathing, felt the soft rise and fall of her chest, and the warm weight of her arm and leg across her. Nicole brought her hand up and lightly ran her fingers through Waverly’s hair. 

Waverly nuzzled in, then relaxed, and fell asleep. Nicole fought herself to keep from falling asleep too, telling herself it was a bad idea, but in the end, she couldn’t resist the intoxicating lull of Waverly sleeping next to her.

When Nicole woke up next, the dawn was beginning to break. The light trickling through the blinds gave their room a soft glow. Nicole hummed contentedly and pulled Waverly close. The strawberry scent of her hair was a warm daydream. She wanted to bury her nose in it and disappear into the smell. 

Then reality crashed in. Nicole’s eye shot open and a cold panic washed through her. Waverly was still in her bed. They fell asleep together. Did the staff find them? Did Brad check on them during the night?

The questions were each a cold stab. She shook Waverly.

“Get up,” Nicole whispered harshly in Waverly’s ear. “Waves, for real. Get up. You need to get in your own bed.”

Waverly’s head popped up like a meerkat’s surveying the land for danger. “Shit. Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah, we both did. You need to get in your own bed before staff comes in to check on us.”

Waverly pulled back the covers and jumped across the divide between the two beds. She quickly buried herself in her own covers, pulling them up to her nose. “Do you think they saw us?” she whispered back.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so? I bet they would have woken us up if they did.”

“I thought they checked on us every couple hours,” said Waverly, turning her head to look around the room.

“I thought so too, but I guess not.”

“God, my heart is racing.”

“Mine, too,” Nicole said. “You ok? I’m sorry I woke you up like that.”

“Believe me, I get it.” Waverly chuckled. “I think we did it.” She giggled. “I can’t believe I slept with you.” She pulled the covers up over her head.

Nicole beamed. She slept with Waverly. Not SLEPT slept, but that was fine. In fact, it was amazing, the whole night. Nicole felt like nothing bad could touch her. 

She lay back in her bed and grinned stupidly at the ceiling. Waverly cuddled with her for most of the night; Susan wasn’t on duty that day; and since her skirt was dirty and the dress torn up, she wouldn’t have to wear anything gross. Plus, she was going to see the movie with Waverly. And X. Today was going to be a good day. 

Nicole couldn’t believe it. She actually felt excited for the day. It had been a long time since she felt like this, like how she felt before a big soccer game. Adrenaline poured in and she felt like flying, like she could soar down the field and score a goal. Her heart raced in bed as she imagined herself launching the ball into the back of the net. 

Nicole burst out laughing. Waverly pulled the covers down from her face to look at Nicole.

“What are you laughing at?” 

Nicole stifled her laugh back to a giggle. “I’m imagining myself playing soccer, and when I score a goal.”

“Oh, you think you scored on me, do you?” Waverly accused.

“No!” Nicole looked at her shocked. “God no. Waves. It’s just that I feel really good right now, and that’s how I feel when I score a goal in soccer. It’s like I can fly.”

“I’m kidding.” Waverly joked, her eyes, visible above the covers, were crinkled up in a smile. “I like hearing you talk about soccer. It makes me wish I could watch you play some time.”

“Maybe you can. When we get out of here, maybe you can come to one of my games?” Nicole wondered. The truth sank in as she as asked the question. Nicole really wanted Waverly to see her play soccer. She was a totally different person on the pitch, and she wanted Waverly to know that side of herself.

“I’d like that.” Waverly’s eyes were still smiling.

Just then Brad knocked on the door. “Are you girls up?” He opened the bedroom door, but didn’t walk in. 

“Yeah, we’re up,” Nicole called out, and then shot a freaked out look at Waverly. Waverly slammed her eyes shut and tried to muffle the sound of her laugh. 

“Ok, I’ll check back in a few minutes, make sure you don’t fall back to sleep.” He closed the door.

“That was so close!” Nicole whispered.

Waverly pulled the covers completely off her face. Her cheeks were flushed bright red and she was still laughing. 

Another truth slammed into Nicole. Waverly had never looked more beautiful. Even with her hair all crazy, even without any makeup on, even in her pjs. Waverly was glowing. 

Waverly rolled onto her back and laughed at the ceiling. “I’m so glad we didn’t get caught.” She turned her head to face Nicole. “You need to be more careful.”

“ME?” 

Waverly just beamed at her and nodded. Nicole couldn’t help but smile back. Yeah, she really did need to be more careful.

 

As they were finishing up their morning routine, and Waverly was getting ready to do Nicole’s makeup, Rosita knocked on the bedroom door. “Hey girls. Everyone decent?” 

“Yes,” Waverly called out.

“Great,” Rosita said, as she open their door and walked in. “Hi Nicole. Do you mind if I have a few minutes with Waverly?”

Waverly gave Nicole a slightly panicked looked. Nicole immediately suspected that they had been caught last night. Was that what this was about?

“Can Nicole stay?” Waverly asked. “It’s ok, I trust her.” 

“If you’re sure.” Rosita seemed to think about it for a moment. When Waverly nodded her head, she continued. “I actually have two things we need to discuss. First, we’ve heard back from the state insurance authority and it looks like your hospital stay benefit is running up. That means we need to start planning for your release.”

This wasn’t at all what Nicole thought this conversation was going to be about. And from the look on Waverly’s face, it wasn’t what she was expecting either. 

“I had a chance to talk directly to your case manager and they are aware of the situation with your aunt and uncle. Originally, they were going to have you released back to foster care today, but your case manager heard from the Colorado courts yesterday that your family was granted emergency custody to allow them to come out here and pick you up. Once you’re in Colorado, permanent custody will be granted and everything will be finalized. It’s always tricky when dealing with multiple states and their agencies. But it worked out for the best, this time. You’re allowed to stay here at Hope until your aunt and uncle arrive to take you home tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Waverly barely breathed out.

“Yes. They’re flying out today, and they’ll be able to pick you up tomorrow.” Rosita smiled at her sweetly, but then it fell. “It doesn’t look like you’re excited, though.” 

“What about Wynonna?” There was a note of panic in Waverly’s voice.

“As far as I’m aware, Wynonna is still considered to be a ward of the state. But as you know, she has bigger issues than you. My guess is, she’ll remain under state custody until she can leave the state hospital.” Rosita paused; nothing she was saying looked like it was making Waverly feel any better. “But I bet she’ll be allowed to join you once she’s out of the hospital.”

“So I’m leaving tomorrow? For sure?” Waverly asked.

“Yes. But at least you don’t have to leave today and spend one night in foster care before your family picks you up. Plus, this way, you’ll get to see the movie today- assuming you behave, right?”

Waverly absently nodded her head.

“Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now?” Rosita asked.

Waverly stared out the window. “I don’t know. Scared.”

“That’s natural. What else? Are you worried about living with your aunt and uncle?”

“Maybe.” Waverly paused. “I’ve never been to Colorado. But they seem nice.” Waverly said it almost like a robot. 

“Are you worried about leaving the hospital? What it will be like?”

Waverly nodded her head, still looking out the window. 

“You know, most of the kids feel that way. Everyone will tell you that they’re excited to leave, but most of them-deep down- are terrified about what will happen when they leave.” 

“Huh.” 

“It looks like you need a little time to process. That’s a lot of information. Waverly, will you promise me that you’ll come talk to me today so we can discuss this some more?”

Waverly nodded her head.

“Ok.” Rosita looked over at Nicole. “Let me know if she needs to talk. Anytime.”

Nicole nodded her head, too. Rosita stood up and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Nicole looked over at Waverly. She was still turned to the window. 

Waverly couldn’t be leaving tomorrow, Nicole thought. She only just found her. The thoughts raced through her mind. She needed to watch her play soccer; she couldn’t move to Colorado.

Nicole felt sick to her stomach. But that feeling washed away when Waverly turned to face her. Nicole felt stupidly selfish. This wasn’t about her; this was about Waverly. And Waverly looked devastated.

Nicole rushed to her bed and wrapped her arms around her. She pulled her in tight to her chest and held her. The tears came as sharp sobs. Waverly gripped Nicole’s arms and pressed her face into Nicole’s shoulder. 

Rosita walked back in the room when she heard Waverly crying. She sat down next to Waverly and gently rubbed her back. 

 

Nicole had no idea that she could go from feeling so full to so empty so quickly. She shuffled off to school, having skipped breakfast, not that she would have been able to eat. Waverly stayed behind in the room with Rosita to talk it out. 

X was waiting in his usual desk and Nicole flopped down in the seat behind his. 

He turned around in his chair to look at Nicole. “Bad night?”

“Great night. Terrible morning.” She mumbled back

“What happened?”

“Waverly is leaving tomorrow.”

“Wow. They’re really clearing the place out,” X said.

“What do you mean?” Nicole asked, before she was interrupted by Mr. Freedland.

“Alright, I know it’s Saturday, but we still have school. I need everyone to focus and settle down.”

Nicole sat back heavily in her chair. She reluctantly pulled out a notebook and started to work on some math problems. 

When the classroom door opened a half hour later, Nicole looked up, hoping to see Waverly. Instead, Sean walked in. He was wearing a winter coat and carrying a backpack. Dan was with him.

“Hey everyone. I’m outta here. Don’t be too jealous. I’m sure I’ll see you all when you get out.” He was waving at the classroom. “Ben.” He pointed at him. “Don’t be a stranger and remember what we talked about.” Then Sean looked at her. “Nicole.” All he did was say her name and gave her a weird, hard look. 

Nicole frowned at him. She had no idea why he was calling her out, maybe because he teased her during dodgeball yesterday? 

He saluted her, then turned and walked out of the classroom. 

“He is so weird.” X said quietly, and it made Nicole laugh. 

 

Waverly didn’t make it to school, but she joined them for lunch. She sat with Nicole, Jeremy, and X at their table, but didn’t get anything to eat. X looked between Waverly and Nicole and seemed to be waiting for an explanation. 

“So, what’s going on?” he asked, eventually.

Waverly didn’t look up from the table. Nicole watched her, wondering if it was ok for her to answer.

When Waverly didn’t say anything, Nicole gently asked, “is it ok if I tell them?”

Waverly nodded.

“Waverly found out she’s leaving tomorrow.” 

“You too?” asked X.

“Where?” Asked Jeremy.

“Her aunt and uncle’s in Colorado,” Nicole answered.

“They were going to kick me out today. Apparently my insurance money ran out, but they’re letting me stay until tomorrow when my family gets here,” Waverly added quietly, not lifting her eyes from the table.

“My insurance is running out, too. We must be on the same state plan,” X said.

Nicole turned to face X. “You’re leaving, too?” she asked, shocked.

“Yeah. I’m getting kicked out tomorrow.”

“When? Where are you going?” Nicole asked. She didn’t know where to start with this new information.

“Mary’s taking me back, for now.” 

“How?” Nicole’s brain still felt stuck.

“Rosita told me this morning,” X said.

“She told me too,” Waverly said, looking up at X.

“But? You can’t. You’re not done, right? You can’t leave before you’re done.” Nicole felt a small flame of anger ignite. 

“There’s no more money. Plus, I hear they want to try and clear the place out before Christmas.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. Why does the insurance get to tell you when you’re done?”

“Nicole, that’s the way it works,” X said.

“But you can’t leave, too. Everyone I like is leaving me.”

“Hey,” Jeremy said, a little hurt.

“It’s weird, I want to leave, but I don’t. There’s this strange sort of safety bubble being here. I don’t have to take responsibility for anything, I don’t have to think about anything…” X started.

“But you have control over nothing,” added Waverly.

“True. You don’t have control over anything. There is no outside world in here. I mean, look at us, we haven’t even stepped foot outside in weeks. There’s no foster care in here; there’s no school. No real school. No pressure to be something you’re not.”

“I don’t know about that,” Nicole said snidely.

“Oh right. Sorry,” said X, quickly. “In a weird way, in here I can just be me.”

Nicole didn’t feel at all that way. She looked over at Waverly. Waverly was studying X.

“I guess there are moments when I feel that way.” Waverly briefly glanced at Nicole. “But mostly, I feel out of control. I feel like my planet has left its orbit and I’m spinning off into outer space. I never know what’s going to happen next. I hate that feeling.”

“I just feel really confused,” said Jeremy. “Are you happy about leaving? Or sad?”

“Both,” said X

“Scared,” said Waverly.

 

After lunch, the kids going on the field trip all collected in the foyer of the high school wing. There were seven kids altogether, and Steve was chaperoning the trip. Before leaving, he laid out some ground rules, emphasizing that if there was any misbehavior, they were all coming back and nobody would get to see the movie. He also explained that there was about an hour drive to the theater, so this was everyone’s last chance to use a bathroom until they got there. Once everyone was ready to go, he took his keys and led the small group out of the hospital.

When they stepped outside, the sun felt bright in Nicole’s eyes. She shielded her eyes as they walked across the parking lot; the cold air stung her nose. Nicole remembered what X had said at lunch. This was the first time she’d been outside in over a week. The air felt strange, the light was biting, and openness made her feel very small. She wondered what Steve would do if all seven of them took off running in different directions. But they didn’t. They were all level 3 or 4’s. They were the good kids.

They walked over to a large, white passenger van with “Hope” emblazoned down the side in large maroon letters. The label made it look like a church van, and Nicole wondered if that wasn’t the intent. They couldn’t very well drive around in a van labeled “crazy kids on board.”

Nicole, X, and Waverly quickly grabbed the back row. The blue cloth seats smelled vaguely of Windex and WD-40. When Steve climbed into the driver’s seat, he turned around and faced the kids.

“OK, another rule. No boys and girls sitting together. We’ve got a long ride and I don’t want any hanky-panky.” 

The kids groaned and reshuffled. X climbed over the back of the seat in front of him to join a guy in the second to last row. Waverly and Nicole had the back seat to themselves. The irony of Steve’s rule was not lost on Nicole. She tried to hide a grin as she looked out the window. 

Despite the convenient setup, there actually was no hanky-panky in the back row. Waverly stared out the side window for most of the ride. The van was silent. A couple of the kids even fell asleep. 

When they arrived at the theater, they were a pretty subdued bunch. Nicole gave Waverly a little shoulder bump to jog her out of her head.

“Hey, we’re at the movie. We made it,” she said softly to Waverly. Waverly glanced up at her and gave her a half smile. “Will you sit next to me?” Nicole asked.

Waverly flashed another curt smile. “Sure.”

“Will you sit on my other side?” Nicole asked X. 

He grinned at her. The way he looked at her, Nicole felt like he could almost read her mind. 

“Of course,” he said, still grinning. 

 

They made their way into the theater. Steve insisted that they all sit in a row together, and he took the aisle seat. Waverly was the end of their group, with Nicole in between her and X. When the theater went dark, it almost felt normal, like they really were just a group of friends going to see a movie together. 

When “Mrs. Doubtfire” really got underway, Nicole couldn’t help but laugh at some of the jokes. She loved Robin Williams, and somehow this movie in particular really spoke to her. It made gender bending feel funny, but in a normal, real way. Like Nicole was Robin Williams and she could laugh with herself, rather than at herself. 

Every now and then, Nicole stole glances at Waverly. It didn’t look like she was even watching the movie. 

About halfway through the film, Nicole looked down at the handle separating her seat from Waverly’s. There was a gap in the bars holding up the armrest big enough that Nicole could fit her hand through. 

She placed her hand at her side and stuck her pinky out into the gap and gently tapped the side of Waverly’s thigh. 

Waverly startled and looked down at her side. Then she looked up at Nicole. 

Nicole smiled at her. Then looked back at the screen. She continued to hold her pinky out in the space between them, no longer touching Waverly, but there as an invitation to her.

Waverly shifted in her seat and let her arms rest at her side. Slowly her hand crept to the side of her chair, and her pinky met Nicole’s. 

Waverly’s pinky wrapped around Nicole’s, and Nicole felt a warmth spread across her chest. She didn’t take her eyes from the screen, but the entirety of her focus was on that one little digit. 

When the audience laughed out, Nicole found herself joining in. She wasn’t even sure what she was laughing about, but it just bubbled up from within her. She looked over at Waverly and found her smiling as well. Nicole wanted that moment to last forever.

 

On the way back to Hope, Waverly and Nicole got the backseat to themselves again. Waverly rested her head on Nicole’s shoulder and between them they held hands. Most of the kids dozed off on the ride back.

Nicole was absently looking around the van, when she noticed Steve watching her in the rearview mirror.

“Is Waverly asleep?” Steve asked her. 

Nicole nodded and quietly said, “yes.” Steve turned his attention back on the road. Nicole felt a soft squeeze on her hand, and she knew Waverly was awake and had heard. Waverly interlaced their fingers and gave her another soft squeeze. For Nicole, this felt like the whole world. 

 

Disappointment hit when they reached the long driveway back to Hope Hospital. It was the end of the road, and the end of her opportunity to hold hands with Waverly. Before they reached the end of the driveway, Nicole gently squeezed Waverly’s hand and pulled hers away. She didn’t want to get caught by any of the kids when they woke up from their naps. Waverly pretended to wake up when Nicole pulled her hand out. She gave a dramatic stretch and long yawn. 

“Man, I don’t think I’ve slept that well in a long time. I was really out,” Waverly said to no one in particular. 

“I’m surprised you don’t have a kink in your neck,” Nicole added.

“Oh, did I fall asleep against you? I didn’t realize,” Waverly said, as Steve parked the van.

“That’s ok. What are roommates for.” Nicole internally cringed. She hoped they weren’t overplaying their hand, but Steve wasn’t paying any attention to them.

“Alright kids, everyone wake up. We’re back.” He looked back over his shoulder. “And Nicole and Waverly…”

Nicole felt a rush of panic. 

“Do you mind checking the seats before you leave. Make sure nobody leaves anything behind?”

“Absolutely,” Nicole called out. Her hands were shaking.

 

Back on the unit, the rest of the kids were asking them how the movie was when Rosita took Nicole by the arm and asked to speak with her. Another flash of panic ignited in Nicole. Did she somehow know about the handholding, or the cuddling last night?

Rosita directed her into her bedroom. Waverly started to follow, but Rosita stopped her.

“I need to talk to Nicole about something privately.” Rosita closed the bedroom door behind her, cutting Nicole off from Waverly. 

“What’s going on?” Nicole asked. She stood at the foot of her bed and watched Rosita walk between the two beds. Nicole’s body felt like it was on a trip wire.

“Is it ok if I sit?” Rosita asked. Nicole didn’t like where this was headed. She nodded and gestured to the bed. “Why don’t you sit with me,” Rosita said.

This was definitely not good, thought Nicole. She immediately started to think up excuses, reasons for wanting to share a bed with Waverly other than the real one. 

“Look. Nicole, you’re not in trouble. Sit. I have something I need to share with you.”

Every alarm bell was going off in Nicole’s mind. Could she make a run for it?

“Sean left you a note and asked that we pass it on to you. In the spirit of honesty, I want you to know that we’ve read it and find it very troubling.”

“What?” Nicole asked, thoroughly confused. 

“Essentially, Sean is asking you out in his note.” 

“Huh?”

Rosita pulled the note out from her back pocket and held it out to Nicole. It was a folded sheet of lined paper, presumably torn from his journal. Nicole took the note and sat down next to Rosita. 

“He left you his full name as well as phone number and address.” Rosita explained. “Normally, we discourage the sharing of personal information, but we don’t forbid it when a patient is leaving. We understand that sometimes you make connections in the hospital that are very important, close friendships, and want to keep in touch when you leave. But I want to talk to you about Sean before I leave you with this note.”

Nicole unfolded the note and onto her lap fell a queen of hearts card. “Did he take that from one of the unit decks?” Nicole asked.

“Probably. I think he was trying to make a grand gesture to you,” Rosita said.

Nicole snickered and handed the card over to Rosita. “Here.” Nicole quickly read the note, besides his name and information, Sean included a declaration of his deep love for Nicole, spelling her name with two L’s, and calling her the queen of his heart. Nicole cringed as she read it.

Rosita smiled, bit her lip, and nodded her head. “It seems we’re on the same page.”

“Uh, yeah.” Nicole agreed.

“Look, I still want to talk to you about Sean. Just in case you feel like contacting him when you get out of here. Technically, I’m not supposed to discuss other patients with you, but I feel like this falls into the category of personal safety.”

Nicole frowned and waited for Rosita to continue.

“Sean is a great kid. But he has a lot of problems. I think we all know that. He has a lot of anger problems. But he can also be rather obsessive.” She paused, took a deep breath, and blew it out. “Lately, his obsession has been focused on you.”

“Me? Why?” 

“He likes you; he thinks you’re pretty. Whatever the reason, I think it would be very dangerous for you to give him any personal information about yourself.” Rosita made sure to keep direct eye contact with Nicole. “One of the reasons that he was hospitalized was because he beat up a girl he was obsessed with when she didn’t return the favor.”

“Holy crap.”

“Yeah. It was pretty bad. So, I can’t keep you from contacting him when you leave, but I strongly urge you not to.”

“No problem. I had no intention of keeping in touch with him.” Nicole stood up and crumpled the note. She tossed it in her trash can. 

“That’s great. Additionally, be careful about giving your information out to Ben as well, or really anyone. It wouldn’t surprise me if he asked Ben to get your phone number for him.”

“Again, not an issue.” Nicole said.

“Finally, if he tries to contact you, please report it to your parents, or school, or any adult who can help keep you safe…”

“Do you think he’ll try to find me?” 

“Maybe, but this is why we insist on only using first names in the hospital. It helps keep everyone safe.” 

“Gotcha.”

“Ok, I’m glad we talked about this.” Rosita started to rise.

“Rosita?” Nicole asked.

She sat back down. “Yes?”

“Thanks.” Nicole paused. “Thanks for letting me know. That’s really cool of you.”

“Sure. This was about your safety,” Rosita replied.

“Can I ask you a question?” Nicole asked.

Rosita chuckled. “Of course. What is it?”

“Can you be my nurse? I mean, can I switch nurses from Susan to you?”

Rosita gave her a really warm smile. She didn’t answer right away, and Nicole hoped that she hadn’t crossed some unspoken line.

“Why do you want to switch nurses?” Rosita asked.

“Susan doesn’t understand me. I feel like you do.”

Rosita nodded her head slightly, but didn’t agree out loud. “What doesn’t she understand about you?”

“All the gender stuff. Making me wear those dresses.” Nicole could feel the anger rising up within her. “She makes me feel bad about being myself. She’s constantly criticizing me.” Now her hands were beginning to shake. “Wear this! Sit like that! Don’t be good at sports!” Nicole mimicked snidely. Her heart was pounding in her chest. “I can’t…” but she couldn’t finish the sentence. Tears fell freely down her cheeks and her whole body shook. 

Rosita waited for her calmly on the bed. She made no move to leave, or even to comfort her. Internally, Nicole was grateful, as she wrestled her emotions back under control. She was trying to be brave and she didn’t want Rosita to treat her like a child.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Nicole finally finished her thought. 

“Thank you for telling me this.”

“So, can you be my nurse?” Nicole asked hopefully. She wiped the tears from her face.

“No.”

The word dropped on her head like an anvil. “What?” Nicole asked in disbelief.

“You need to tell this to Susan.”

Nicole’s mouth gapped. “But I can’t.”

“Of course you can. If you can tell me, you can tell her.”

This wasn’t at all what Nicole wanted to hear. She shook her head.

“She’ll just yell at me,” Nicole said, trying to be brave again.

“When has she ever yelled at you?”

“She’ll talk sternly at me.” Nicole amended herself.

“She might,” Rosita agreed.

Fuck this, thought Nicole, what the hell was going on?

“Is that any reason not to tell her how you feel?” Rosita pressed on. 

“She won’t agree with me,” Nicole almost yelled.

“Does that mean you shouldn’t stand up for yourself, make yourself heard?”

Nicole was shaking again. “You want me to fight Susan?”

Rosita laughed. “No, I don’t want you to fight her, but I do want you to stand up to her, explain how you feel, be honest with her.”

Nicole shook her head quickly. “I don’t think so.”

“What can it hurt?” Rosita asked.

Nicole’s mind was a blank. 

“Tomorrow, your assignment from me is to stand up to Susan.”

“But she’ll disagree with me,” Nicole said absently.

“So?” asked Rosita.

“She’ll want me to keep doing the gender therapy.”

“So? Can’t you say no?” Rosita asked.

“Can I?” 

Rosita just smiled at her.

“Can I say no?”

Rosita’s smile grew wider. “Of course you can.”

And in that instant, the flame of anger switched to a flame of hope. Nicole sat there gobsmacked. Rosita rose and patted her shoulder as she walked out. “I look forward to hearing about your conversation with Susan when I get back on the unit in two days.” She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her.

 

Eventually Nicole left her room. Her head was swimming with possibilities that thrilled and terrified her. Confronting Susan felt like yelling at a mountain to get out of the way, but Rosita made it seem more like talking adult to adult. Susan was just an adult. She was just a person. Why couldn’t Nicole say no to her? Of course Susan had some control in this situation, but she didn’t have complete control. The thoughts spun a swiftly growing web through her brain, pulling together ideas and feelings. 

She looked around the living area for Waverly or X, but she couldn’t find either one of them. Jeremy was sitting by himself, playing solitaire, so she sat down next to him.

“Where are Waverly and X?” She asked him.

He didn’t look up from his cards. “Rosita grabbed them both when she left your room.”

“Oh.” She watched Jeremy play. He didn’t make any acknowledgement that Nicole was still sitting there. “Is everything ok?”

“Peachy.” His answer came quickly, like he’d been practicing it in his head.

“Jeremy, what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”

“Jeremy.”

“Ok fine, I know I’m the new kid, but I thought we were supposed to be a team or something.” He did air quotes with his fingers.

“What?” Nicole was taken aback by his anger.

“You skipped breakfast, ignored me at lunch. You’re gone all day and don’t talk to me when you get back. I get it, you don’t like me, I’m the annoying kid. But don’t act like you care and then turn your back on me.”

Nicole sat back in the couch. Would this day please stop spinning, she thought to herself.

“Jeremy, of course I like you. Waverly and I were just talking about how much we like you.”

“Then why am I always on the outside of whatever you’re talking about?” He asked, turning from his cards to face Nicole.

“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t mean to keep you on the outside.”

“Look, I get it. You and Waverly have your secret relationship and it’s like you and X are brothers or something. But I thought we had something special, too.”

“Wait, Waverly and I aren’t in a secret relationship.” Nicole could feel her cheeks grow painfully red. 

“Please, it’s so obvious. The way you two look at each other. It’s like a beautiful fairytale.” 

“In the hospital?” Nicole questioned him.

“Whatever. It’s there.” He looked back at his card game. “I just want to be on the inside for once.”

“Ok. You want to be on the inside.” Nicole stopped herself. She didn’t want to sound hurt. “When I said I wanted us to be on a team, I meant against the gender therapy, not for it. When you encouraged me to put on makeup, it felt like you didn’t understand me at all.”

“But I thought that’s what you meant. That we’d support each other.” Jeremy abandoned the cards and gave his full attention to Nicole.

“I need you to have my back. We’re both in this.” Nicole looked down at her hands. “Do you think the gender therapy is going to change anything for you?”

“No. Not really,” said Jeremy.

“Doesn’t it kill you every time they want you to do something that doesn’t make any sense for you?”

“Yes.”

“That’s what I mean by being on a team. I support you, the real you, and you support me.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not going to make you feel bad for being you, and you won’t make me feel bad for being me.”

“Ok, why didn’t you say that in the first place. I can totally do that.”

Nicole looked up at him and smiled. “Yeah?”

“Of course!” 

Just then another idea hit Nicole. 

“Hey Jeremy, speaking of secret relationships. Why don’t we pretend to be in a relationship.”

“You mean, for real?” He asked.

“Well, sort of. I mean, we pretend to be hiding that we’re secretly boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Why would we do that?”

“If they think we’re in a relationship, they won’t think we’re…” Nicole let the sentence end there. 

Jeremy smiled and nodded. “I got it. But won’t we get in a lot of trouble if they think we’re dating?”

“No more than if they think the other thing,” said Nicole.

“True. You know Steve won’t touch me. I wonder if he thinks I have AIDS.” 

“Jeremy, Steve won’t touch anybody.”

“Ok, but I’m wondering, if he thinks I’m in a relationship with you, will he be more comfortable around me?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Nicole.

“I always feel like he’s looking at me weird.”

“I will say this for Steve. He had no concept that Waverly and I could possibly be in a relationship. He let us sit alone in the back of the van to and from the movie today. He told X he couldn’t sit back with us because he didn’t want any ‘hanky-panky’ in the back.”

“So you are in a secret relationship with Waverly.”

“Sort of. I don’t know what we are.” Nicole looked away. “Plus she’s leaving tomorrow.”

“You guys are so cute together. I hope it works out for you.”

Nicole smiled. She could feel her cheeks blush again. “Thanks.”

 

At wrap-up group that night, Steve led the A wing. As he went around the room, Nicole could see Waverly growing more and more tense. Her whole body seemed to be pulling into itself and she took up less and less space on the couch next to Nicole as the minutes passed. 

When Steve finally got to Waverly, he asked her how she was feeling about her imminent departure and Waverly burst out laughing.

It took her a few minutes to get herself under control. But every time she’d try to start talking, she start laughing hysterically instead.

She curled into a ball on the cushion next to Nicole. “Why do I keep laughing?” she giggled. “I’m terrified.” And she burst out again, tears running down her cheeks. Nobody in the room was laughing with her. 

“I must be crazy, right?” She couldn’t stop giggling. 

Nicole reached out and touched her back. Suddenly Waverly’s laughs turned into a long, high wail. She collapsed against Nicole’s shoulder and buried her face in her palms. 

Nicole gave Steve a firm, steady look, as if challenging him to say anything about the touching. She wrapped an arm around Waverly’s shoulder and hugged her. Nobody said a word.

 

That night, when Waverly and Nicole were in bed, Brad knocked lightly on the door. 

“Hey girls. I want to let you know, staff has asked me to check in on you a little more regularly. Not full-on FMIs, but sort of.” 

Waverly didn’t say anything, but Nicole acknowledged him. 

When he left, he still closed the door behind him. 

“I feel so alone, Nicole.” Waverly said from her bed. “I wish I could sleep in your bed again.”

“So do I.” 

“Really? Why? You like having a crazy person interrupting your sleep, cutting off circulation to your arm, smothering you?”

“You think that’s what last night was like for me? Waverly, I slept great. I didn’t feel so alone. I felt like I mattered, like I could make a difference for you, like I was important to you.”

“Nicole. You are important to me.”

“But you’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Yeah. And I don’t know what to do.”

“Will you call me?”

“I think so. It will be long distance, but I bet I can call every now and then.”

“You promise?” Nicole asked.

“Sure. You’re my dodgeball queen.”

“And you’re my blue butterfly.”

Nicole held out her hand in between the beds. 

“Can you show me again where that pressure point is on my hand?” Nicole asked.

Waverly rolled over and took Nicole’s hand in one of hers. “It’s right here.” Her thumb swept over Nicole’s palm. 

Nicole rolled Waverly’s wrist over and swept her own thumb over Waverly’s palm. She continued to run her thumb back and forth over Waverly’s soft hand. They fell asleep that way, holding hands between the beds. Nicole didn’t care if Brad found them, or if her arm fell asleep permanently. She had to stay in touch with Waverly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: I'm sure I should be including a ton of trigger warnings, but basically, if you don't want to feel, don't read this story. Thar be feels ahead.
> 
> Also, I want to say that I had an extraordinary time at EarpExpo, both on and off the podium. I really can't express how grateful I am to have met so many wonderful fic writers and beautiful human beings. You all made my month and my head is still spinning with all the love I found there. Thank you, DW, for asking very politely if I might consider showing up. I'm so glad I did.

Chapter 8:

2009:  
“I’m done!” Nicole said into her cellphone when Waverly answered. “I’m done with law school; I’ll never have to take another exam again!” Nicole was walking to meet X out at her favorite bar. The coolness of the late spring evening felt refreshing against her exposed arms. The air was thick with the scent of honeysuckle as she cut across a neighborhood playground. Nicole felt a deep sense of freedom on her walk. All the weight of the past few months was lifted from her shoulders. 

“Way to go, graduate. So, can I call you a lawyer now?” Waverly asked. 

“Not yet. I guess I misspoke. I still have one last big test, the bar exam.” 

“I doubt you’ll have trouble with that one,” said Waverly.

“I hope not.”

“So how are you going to celebrate?”

“X and Rachel are taking me out for drinks tonight,” said Nicole. She walked over to the empty swing set. Nicole sat down on one of the swings and slowly rocked herself back and forth. 

“Rachel? She’s the new officer, right?” asked Waverly.

“Yep. I think X is happy to have someone with whom he can spend his time. Someone who isn’t bogged down with tons of work. I’ve been so busy this semester, we’ve hardly had any time to spend together.”

“Did your mom make it to graduation?”

Nicole chuckled and pushed herself back hard in the swing. “Yes. She behaved herself, mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Yeah, she may have tried to set up X and Rachel.” 

“I thought Rachel is gay?”

“She is, but my mom is ever hopeful of finding a partner for X. And I think I’ve finally convinced her that it’s not going to be me,” Nicole said. 

“Is it still weird to see X and Rachel together?” asked Waverly.

“Not really. Not anymore. I don’t know why I was so jealous before. He’s happy, so I’m happy. Plus, I don’t want him lonely here without me.”

“Oh, he’ll be lonely without you?” Waverly’s voice took on a sarcastic, teasing tone. “That’s quite a head you have there on your shoulders, are you sure it’ll fit through your door?” 

“Ha ha,” Nicole responded. “But I’m serious. I’m glad he’s got someone who’s going to stay local.” 

“Where are you going out to drink?” 

“The Irish Lion, it’s my favorite restaurant here.”

“That sounds good. Will you still call me later?” asked Waverly, her voice softening. 

“Of course. Is Champ going out tonight?” 

“Yes,” sighed Waverly. “Sometimes I wonder if he wants to spend any time with me at all.” Waverly paused and Nicole briefly wondered if the connection was lost. “The worst thing about it is that I don’t really mind. Doesn’t that sound awful? What kind of wife am I, I don’t care that my husband is never home.” She paused again. “Sometimes it feels easier without him here.” 

“Hey, that’s ok, Waverly. I totally get it. I’m really introverted, so I don’t mind having some personal space. I think that’s why I never felt comfortable moving in with anyone I dated before.”

“Wait, you’ve never lived with anyone?” Waverly asked.

“Just my freshman year roommate. But we largely avoided each other.” 

“Would you ever want to live with someone?” Waverly questioned her.

“Sure, if it’s the right person.” Nicole smiled softly as she pushed herself into another long swing. Waverly didn’t respond right away.

Nicole heard her clear her throat. “Well, I need to run. Have fun tonight and I can’t wait to hear all about it.” Waverly paused, then added. “And Nicole, I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks.” It was almost a breath.

 

That night, Nicole joined X and Rachel at The Irish Lion. The dark wood of the bar and wainscoting made the glass and mirror behind it stand out as if it was self-illuminated. The nautical wall decorations gave the downstairs bar area an antique feeling, like the restaurant had existed for centuries and was a doorway to the old country. This was the one bar in the City of Bloomington that didn’t feel like a college bar. Plus, their coddle was food crack. 

“Man, I’m going to miss this place,” Nicole said, as she looked around the restaurant. Her eyes traced over the row of mahogany booths. Nicole rested back into the deep red cushion of the bench seat. X sat next to her, with Rachel across from them. 

“Yeah, this town isn’t going to be the same without you,” said X. 

“I meant The Lion,” Nicole teased him.

“I know what you meant.” He grinned over at her. “How does it feel to be done?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s hit me quite yet.” Nicole played with the black cloth napkin in her lap.

“When I graduated from the police academy,” Rachel started, “I was both sad and happy. I was glad to be done, for sure. But I was also a little sad because it was comfortable. I knew how it worked, what was expected of me. That, and I was good at it.” She laughed to herself. 

X looked over at Rachel. “I was so ready to get out of there. For me, the police academy was just a stepping stone.” He shook his head and chuckled. “Or more like a threshold guardian. It was something I had to get past to move on to my real life.”

“You’re such a dork,” Rachel laughed. “Threshold guardian. Seriously, who talks like that? You should’ve been a poet.” 

Nicole shoulder bumped X. “Our big, tough guy is really a softie at heart. I like that, though.” She smiled sweetly at X. 

“So, it was good to see your mom this afternoon at graduation.” X tried to change the subject.

“Thank you both for being my mom-buffer zone.” 

“Are you sure I wasn’t intruding on your family time? I felt a little weird being there.” Rachel asked. 

“Not at all,” Nicole replied.

“Yeah, her mom is a case. She’s easier to take when we divide and conquer.” said X. “For the longest time, she tried to get Nicole and me to date.”

Rachel almost spit out her sip of beer. 

“I’d take it as a compliment if she tries to set you up with him next,” said Nicole. “Only the best lesbians are good enough for X.” 

“Oh lord, what am I walking into?” Rachel shook her head as she wiped her mouth on the napkin. “What about your dad? Why wasn’t he there?”

Nicole’s smile fell a bit, and X cleared his throat. 

“I’m sorry, I really stepped in it, didn’t I?” asked Rachel.

Nicole shook her head gently. “It’s ok. My dad isn’t comfortable with the whole gay thing. So, we don’t talk anymore.” She smiled at Rachel. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine, really.” Nicole paused and changed the subject. “Do you get along with your parents?”

“Yes. They’re totally fine with me being gay. I think they suspected long before I came out, so they were just like, yeah, what else is new.” Rachel looked down at her hands resting on the table. “Sometimes, I feel like I cheated on the gay test. Everyone in my family is fine with me being gay. Even my church-going, small town, southern Indiana grandmother.” She laughed to herself. “I was terrified to come out to her, but when I did, she said: ‘Rachie, did you think I wouldn’t love you.’” Rachel mimicked an old lady voice, and then looked up at Nicole. 

“Actually, I think that sounds great. That’s the way it should be,” Nicole said. She leaned against X, “That’s how this guy took it, and that’s why he’s my brother now. He made me feel safe, like I wasn’t some freak.”

X cleared his throat again and faced Nicole. “No, I totally think you’re a freak, just not because of that,” he clarified. He looked over at Rachel. “Did you know that she’s totally in love with a married woman?”

“X!” Nicole yelled. 

Rachel laughed. “Oh man,” she covered her laugh with her palm. “First rule of lesbians, never fall in love with straight women.”

“I don’t think she’s really straight,” Nicole said, almost to herself.

“It’s actually a modern-day love story,” X continued. “They met in high school, but then lost touch. Nicole found her again on Facebook recently, and now every time she goes down to D.C., they spend a ton of time together.” He looked back at Nicole. “And she comes home with a broken heart and delusions of love.” 

“They are not delusions,” said Nicole. She looked to Rachel for some support. “I swear to God, on this last trip, she wanted to kiss me. She almost did. I’m not making this up.” 

“Did you kiss her?” Rachel asked.

“No. I didn’t want to. Not like that.”

“Like what?” Rachel pushed. 

“Like…” Nicole let out a sigh. “Like she’s married and I don’t want to be someone she cheats with. If it’s going to happen, I want to wait until it’s the right time.”

Rachel nodded her head. “Is she getting a divorce?”

“No.” Nicole let out a loud sigh. “But her husband is a total jerk. So, it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s at least thinking about it.” 

“Just be careful. Don’t go falling too deep,” Rachel said.

Too late, thought Nicole.

“That’s what I’ve been telling her,” X added.

“As a police officer, I’ve seen so many women stay with terrible husbands. I’ll get called out to the same house over and over on domestic violence calls, but the woman never leaves,” Rachel said.

“I know. And I don’t think there’s domestic violence. At least she said there isn’t. But it wouldn’t surprise me if he isn’t psychologically abusive.”

“You know what, if you talk to domestic violence victims, they’ll all tell you that the psychological abuse is so much worse than the physical. So take that seriously.” Rachel pointed at Nicole.

“That’s right,” X jumped in. “That’s the first thing they tell us in our domestic violence training.” 

“Anyway, I don’t know what the situation is with your friend, but don’t assume that just because her husband is an ass, that she’s going to leave him.” Rachel gave Nicole a sympathetic smile. “Even if it seems like that from the outside.”

Nicole nodded her head, and X wrapped an arm around her shoulders to give her a quick hug.

“Don’t worry, girly, we have an eight hour drive tomorrow. Plenty of time to listen to you pining away and lamenting your terrible lot in life.”

“Shut up,” Nicole growled.

“Yep, it’s gonna be rough, living in a big city with an exciting job, making a ton of money. I’m not sure how you’ll ever survive.”

Nicole turned in her seat to face X. “Well, we have to get there first. So, don’t go pushing my buttons,” she laughed. “Speaking of driving, that reminds me,” she turned to look at Rachel, “Did X ever tell you about our prom date?”

Rachel frowned as she studied Nicole waiting for the joke. “I thought you two never dated?”

“We didn’t, but I did take him to prom with me.”

X buried his face in his hands. 

“Oh come on, we were adorable.”

X groaned and shook his head. “I can’t believe you talked me into that.”

“What?” asked Rachel, her interest clearly piqued. 

“We went as the Blues Brothers,” explained Nicole. “The hats, suits, and sunglasses- the whole nine yards.”

“Your school let you do that?”

“Well,” Nicole said with a high pitch. “I didn’t ask permission before, and they didn’t stop me when I got there. So, yes.”

“What happened?”

X raised his head to watch Nicole. “Nothing, it was pretty fun.”

“What really happened was that as soon as we arrived, girly here became an instant celebrity and the novelty of the day. All the girls wanted to dance with her, which left me, the only big, black dude, standing by myself.”

“Oh, come on, there were plenty of girls who wanted to dance with you, you just didn’t want to dance with them.”

“Anyway, I was only there to be your wingman.”

“You’re the best,” Nicole smiled.

“Alright.” He waved off Nicole. “We should wrap this up; we have an early morning tomorrow if we’re going to drive all the way to D.C.”

 

The next day, after three hours in the car and listening to their road trip CD twice, Nicole turned off the radio. They were approaching Columbus, Ohio and the traffic was starting to slow them down. 

X brought Nicole’s car to a stop behind a long line of traffic and glanced over at her. “I hope this gets moving soon. I really want to get there before it’s dark.”

“Me too. I hope the pool is open. It will feel so good to get off these hot seats and into the water.”

X gripped the steering wheel and groaned out. “Oh god, the pool sounds wonderful right now.”

Nicole started to bounce her knee and looked around the car.

“Ok, what’s up? I can practically hear your brain churning.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Nicole. We have five more hours locked in this car. What’s up?” X inched the car forward as the traffic slowly started to crawl.

She let out a breath and sagged down into her seat. “Yesterday, when you said that I abandoned you at prom, did you mean it?”

“What are you talking about?” X kept his eyes on the car in front of him.

“Last night, with Rachel. You said I abandoned you at prom. Was that how you really felt?” She looked over at X.

He huffed out a short laugh. “Girly, you think too much.”

“I’m serious.”

“No, that’s not really how I felt. I knew I was there for you, not me, and so that was fine. I was glad to see you were having a good time, especially after what you told me about some of the girls at your high school.”

“I know, but you didn’t feel alone? I guess I never really looked at it from your point of view. You didn’t know anyone there besides me, and then when all the girls were paying attention to me and they wanted to dance with me, well… it felt so normal. Like that was what should have been happening all along. But I didn’t think about you being by yourself.” She looked back out the front windshield. “I’m sorry. I should have been a better friend. A better wingman for you.”

“I didn’t want a wingman. I was enjoying myself seeing you so happy.”

“Why don’t you ever want to date?”

Nicole’s question seemed to hit X hard. He stiffened in the driver’s seat.

“I don’t know, seems a little complicated. I like my life as it is. Nobody to tell me what to do or where to go.”

“I tell you what to do.”

“You’re different.”

Nicole grinned. “Seriously, though. Do you think you’ll even want to date? You’ve just never shown any real interest in it.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I’m happy where I am.”

“Well, it might be a little harder with me living so far away from you, but if you ever need a wingman, I’m here for you.” Nicole held out her fist.

X bumped it, then returned his hand to the steering wheel. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be the first to know.”

 

When Nicole and X pulled into the parking lot at the apartment complex, she cut the engine and let out a tired groan. As she stepped out of the car, Nicole leaned over to stretch out her back.

“I don’t ever want to sit in a car again.” She growled out, and doubled over. 

X twisted his upper body to stretch out his own back. “Agreed. I’m so glad we’re here. Is this your unit?” 

“Yes. Are you ready to check it out?” 

“I’d rather jump into your pool, but first things first.” X grinned at her.

“Oh man, I’m so ready for that pool.” Nicole rummaged around in her pocket to find the set of keys that the complex sent to her once she had signed the apartment lease. Nicole walked up to the front door and inserted the key. She looked back over her shoulder at X waiting behind her. “Here we go.” She gave the key a twist and the door opened before her. This was it. Her new home. Her new life. Her new everything, really.

The giant front room had a soft and slightly eerie echo when she and X stepped into the room. The room was completely empty, the walls long blank slates. The only feature in the room was a small light hanging down from the ceiling before the opening to the kitchen. This was presumably where the dining table would go. The dark stairs leading to the second floor were located behind the front door. Nicole started to flip switches along the wall next to the front door, and lights around the apartment came on one by one. 

“It’s big,” X observed. He walked into the kitchen area and opened the fridge. “This looks new.” He started opening cupboard doors. “I like it.”

“Yeah. I was really impressed with it when I toured the show unit over spring break. This was by far my favorite place we saw.” Nicole poked her head up the staircase. The landing at the top was still dark. She fiddled with the light switches at the bottom of the stairs and eventually found the switch to light up the top of the stairs. “I’m going to run upstairs and find a bathroom.” 

“Yep,” Nicole heard X say as she started her way up the stairs. The master bedroom at the top of the stairs was just like the one she saw on the tour, only this one was completely empty. Nicole looked in the walk-in closet before heading back into the bathroom next to it. The bathroom also had the double sinks, behind that was the toilet and at the end of the room was a large walk-in shower. Nicole used the bathroom, super grateful that the complex thought to provide her with a starter roll of toilet paper. As much as she didn’t want to get back into her car, she realized that she needed to make a Target run pronto. 

 

When she got back down stairs, she called out to try and locate X. 

“I’m back here. In the garage,” he replied. 

The door to the garage behind the kitchen was standing open. Nicole ventured back and looked into the empty space. “Nice,” she muttered under her breath. She hadn’t seen the garage as a part of her initial tour and was excited to see it was a spacious two car garage. “We could unload the car in here and then make a shopping run before settling in for the night. What do you think?”

“Let’s get this over with. That pool is seriously calling to me.” X was checking out the electric box and furnace. He looked back over his shoulder at Nicole. “You want to do pizza for dinner?”

“Sounds good. Not like I can cook until the moving van gets here.” 

“When’s that?” 

“Two days, I think. I wanted time in case I needed to get something ready before the furniture arrived.”

“Are you planning on painting or something?”

Nicole groaned and rolled her neck. “Not anymore. I’m exhausted and I just want to get moved in. Can you help me make a list?” She walked over to X.

“So, we’re sleeping on the floor tonight?” 

“That was the plan. I have a couple sleeping bags.”

“Girly, you’re killing me.”

“It just for one night, you big baby,” Nicole said, as she lightly shoved his shoulder. “Then you fly home.” She laughed at X’s grimace. “I’ve got a couple nights on the floor until my bed arrives.” 

“Maybe I should put an air mattress on the shopping list.” X grinned back at her hopefully.

“Maybe a good idea.” She patted his shoulder. “Then I’ll have it in case you ever come down to visit me.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll come and visit.” 

“You better.” 

 

At Target, Nicole grabbed a large shopping cart from the front of the store. X wandered off to look at the stuff in the dollar bins. It reminded her of the shopping trip she made with Waverly and Darren at Christmas for baby swim trunks. She smiled at the memory and pushed the cart next to X.

“Hey, you’re the one who’s supposed to keep me on track in here,” she said, looking over her shoulder at the cheap pool toy X was holding. 

“Who buys this crap?” He turned the car shaped floatie over in his hand. 

“Desperate parents?” Nicole guessed. “Actually, I’ll get one of those.”

X looked over at her like she had lost her mind. 

“For Darren, when he comes over to visit the pool.” 

He didn’t take his eyes off of Nicole as he dropped the toy in the cart. A smirk grew out across his face as he slowly shook his head. 

“Shut up,” said Nicole, and she pushed the cart down the main aisle. 

 

On the way to find an air mattress, Nicole and X passed by the baby section. Her eyes wandered down one of the aisles where she spotted the baby wipes.

“Hold up. I want to get something here.” Nicole directed the cart down the row with diapers. 

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah. It can’t hurt to have some wipes on hand, just in case. And anyway, I can use them to clean up other things, too.” 

X followed behind her without saying anything. 

“I don’t know what size diapers he wears, or I could pick up a package of those. I wonder how expensive a changing table is?” Nicole wandered deeper into the baby section. 

“Doesn’t Waverly bring all those things with her when she goes out?”

“Well, yes. But this way I could have a few things on hand to make it easier for her.” 

X just grunted from behind her. 

Nicole found an aisle with pack n’ plays, portable baby cribs, and one of them had a changing table that fit over the top. 

“Hey X, look at this one. It’s both a bed and a diaper station. That would work.” She lifted the large box into her cart.

“Next you’re going to be looking at the car seats,” X muttered.

“Oh right, I bet they have those here.” Nicole looked around the end of the aisle, excited. 

“Nope.” X stepped in front of her. “I have to stop you right there. Baby wipes and a pack n’ poop are enough. I’m not letting you buy out the baby department for a kid that isn’t yours.” 

Nicole rolled her eyes.

“You have things you need to buy for yourself. Get those. Let’s stay focused on that, and then we can get out of here.”

“Fine.” Nicole let out a huffy sigh. “But I’m still getting this stuff.” She pointed at the shopping cart. 

“Whatever.” 

 

When they finished up their shopping trip and made it back to the townhouse, Nicole quickly unpacked the car and put a few things away while X got ready for the pool.

With the last of the perishable goods put away, Nicole picked up her cell phone and called Waverly. 

“Hey Waves!” Nicole answered cheerfully when she heard Waverly pick up. “I made it. We’re here.”

“You’re really here?” Waverly asked. “I can’t believe you’re already in. You made good time.”

“Actually, we’ve already been shopping. Picked up a few things to get me started. Anyway, we’re headed to the pool now and I was wondering if you and Darren would like to come over and join us?” Nicole spun around to look up at the top of the staircase to see if X was still in the bedroom.

“You know what? I’d love that. Darren will be over the moon when I tell him Aunt Nini is here and wants to go swimming. I’ll need to pull a few things together and find a ride down. Will it be too late if it takes me an hour to get there?”

“No. That’s fine. We’re just going to hang out tonight and order some pizza. You’re welcome to join us for any and all of it.”

“Will X be ok with me being there?”

“Of course.” Nicole smiled into the phone. “Why wouldn’t he want to see you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it will be weird for him. I haven’t seen him since we were all at that place.” 

“You mean Hope?” 

“Yeah. Maybe he’ll feel weird about seeing me.”

“Waverly, he literally sees me all the time. I am the biggest reminder ever of that time, but he’s fine with me. It won’t be weird. Trust me.”

“Ok.” 

“Is it weird for you?” Nicole asked, quickly wondering if the reservation was on Waverly’s side. “Is it hard for you to be around me and X?”

“It’s not hard for me to be around you, Nicole. It’s never been hard to be with you. I just don’t want to get in the middle of your friendship with X.”

“We can handle it. Plus, I just want to see you,” Nicole said, then added, “and Darren, too.”

“Ok. I’ll be over.” There was a pause, and then Waverly spoke up again. “Thanks Nicole. I can’t believe that you’re really here. Permanently. I can’t believe it.” 

“I know. Me too. See you soon. Text me when you get here, or just come to the pool. That’s where we’ll likely be.” 

When X came downstairs, Nicole tucked a package of toilet paper and tissues under her arms to carry them upstairs.

“The bedroom’s all yours,” X said. He wore his swim trunks and a faded Def Leppard t-shirt. 

“I’ll be right down.” She rushed up the stairs. “Oh, and by the way, I invited Waverly to join us.” 

“I figured. Is the kid coming, too?”

“Of course.” Nicole paused at the top of the stairs. “Are you ok with that?”

“Sure. I want to see what all the fuss is about. It will give me a chance to see if you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

“X, I’m not barking up any trees right now. I’m just excited to see her again. It’s been a couple months.”

“I know. I’m just giving you a hard time. It will be nice to actually see her, rather than just hearing all about her.”

Nicole shot him a stern look.

“Hey, you’re the one who talks about her non-stop.”

“I do not!”

X hummed in deep thought. “Were you in the same car as me on the way down here. You want to help Waverly find a job, find a new doctor; you want to hang out with Darren, take him swimming, take him to the park and the museums…”

Nicole turned away to walk into the empty bedroom, shaking her head. “Whatever,” she shouted over her shoulder. “You’re the one who’s too afraid to date.”

 

X and Nicole were wading in the pool when Waverly appeared at the gate with Darren in hand next to her. She called out to get Nicole’s attention. 

Nicole startled, even thought she was expecting Waverly to show up. Actually, she startled because Waverly was going to show up, and Nicole was trying very hard not to get too excited about seeing her again. And failing miserably. 

“Waves,” Nicole shouted. “You’re here,” she said, and then immediately broke out in a wide grin. “Hi Darren.” She waved as she climbed the stairs out of the pool. She walked over and held the metal gate open for them. Waverly hefted her large diaper bag onto her shoulder and steered Darren into the pool area. Nicole grabbed the car seat that was still sitting on the walkway and brought it into the pool area.

The gate banged closed when Nicole let go of the door and Darren jumped at the loud noise. Nicole knelt down, smiled at him, and waved. He wedged himself between Waverly’s legs and hid his eyes for a couple seconds before peeking out at Nicole.

“Hey buddy.” Nicole said to Darren. He buried his face in Waverly’s thigh. 

“Oh seriously, Darren. It’s Aunt Nini.” Waverly sighed as she tried to maintain her balance with Darren pressing into her. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He was talking about you the whole ride down here.” 

Nicole kept her eyes on Darren. “Hey buddy. Guess what. I have a surprise for you.”

Darren peeked back out at her, but didn’t say anything. He looked like he was terrified of Nicole. 

Nicole glanced up at Waverly. “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah. I think he’s just being a little shy.” She looked down at Darren, who had wrapped his tiny arms around Waverly’s leg. “Darren, this is silly. You know Aunt Nini. She gave you the yellow truck.”

Darren didn’t budge. When Waverly tried to take a step away from him, he clamped onto her leg with a death grip. 

Nicole popped up and ran over to her seat next to the pool. She picked up the small pool toy and jogged back over to Waverly and Darren.

“Do you want to see what I found for you?” Nicole knelt down and held up the small toy so that Darren could see it. 

He stared hard at the toy, then looked up at Nicole like he was trying to figure out if there was a trick. He pushed his face into Waverly’s thigh and whined out a high-pitched wail. 

Waverly groaned as she leaned down and picked him up. He immediately curled his body around her chest and hid his face in her neck. 

“I honestly don’t know why he’s acting like this. He was so excited during the ride down.”

“It’s ok. Maybe he doesn’t remember me. It’s been a couple months.”

“Nicole, he was just asking about you.” Waverly carried Darren over to a pool chair and sat down. Darren wrapped his arms around her neck and held on tight. 

Nicole brought over the car seat and diaper bag and placed them behind her. She sat down in the chair next to Waverly. X was already out of the pool and toweling off. He walked over and smiled down at Waverly. 

“Hey Waverly.” He held out a palm to her. 

Waverly shook his hand awkwardly from her sitting position. “X. I can’t believe it’s been so long. How are you?” She smiled up at him, while shielding her eyes from the sun. “This little koala bear is my son, Darren.” Darren whined again and squeezed Waverly’s neck even tighter.

Waverly leaned back. “Ok, enough’s enough. I need to breathe.” She gently pried Darren’s arms from her neck and set him down on her lap. He pressed the side of his head into her breasts. Darren gave Nicole a side eye. 

Nicole winked at Darren, trying to break through to him. Instead, he turned his face, pressed it into Waverly’s chest, while whining. 

“Goodness Darren, what’s all this about?” She looked back up at X. “How was the drive down?”

“Fine. Faster than I thought.” He grinned and nodded his head. 

“Good. Well, I’m glad you made it in safely. I was worried you’d be too tired and need to stop along the way.”

“Nope. Why would we be tired?” X asked.

“I just figured you were out celebrating Nicole’s graduation and drinking.” 

“Ah,” X took a step back and dropped his gaze. “Right, I forgot. It has been a while.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t drink anymore. Were you thinking about the Drug and Alcohol group at the hospital?”

“Well, Wynonna had mentioned something about you drinking quite a bit before you got to the hospital.”

“Yeah.” He looked back up at Waverly. “I gave up drinking after Hope.” He gave Nicole a quick side glance. She didn’t acknowledge the look from X.

“Oh, that’s fine. Of course. I mean about you not drinking. Of course, it’s fine that you don’t drink. It’s not like you need to drink to have fun, right.” Waverly winced, hearing herself ramble nervously. She gave Darren a small hug and kissed the top of his head. “So how have you been?” She tossed out the question to change the subject. 

“I’m fine. I’m a police officer now. In Bloomington.”

“Yeah, Nicole mentioned it. That’s really great.”

X just nodded his head. “Well,” X clapped his hands once. “I’m going to hop back in the pool. Are you all going to join me?”

“Sure, in a minute,” Nicole said, looking over at Waverly. She was watching X as he slipped back into the pool. 

“He hates me.” Waverly kept her eyes on X as he slowly started to do a backstroke across the pool. 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Nicole corrected. “He’s just quiet. Give it a chance.” 

“And this one is acting all weird.” Waverly nodded down at Darren in her lap. “Maybe this was a mistake, coming today.” 

“No,” Nicole said, firmly. “I’m glad you’re here. I was looking forward to seeing you both.” She reached out and ruffled the curls on the back of Darren’s head. He pressed his head harder into his mom. “Why don’t I give you guys some space. Here, why don’t you take the toy, and I’ll wait in the pool, if he wants to do some jumping.” She handed the toy to Waverly.

At the word jumping, Darren turned his head and peeked out at Nicole. She smiled at him but didn’t say anything. She just got up and walked over to the edge of the pool.

“Hey Darren,” she glanced back to see if he as watching. “Do you want to see me do a cannonball?” 

He turned his body around so that he could see Nicole. He nodded his head, but still held on to the edge of Waverly’s shirt with a tight grip. 

Nicole grinned back at him before taking a giant leap out into the pool and tucking her legs up under her arms. She landed in the water with what she assumed was a huge splash. When she resurfaced, she noticed that Darren was laughing and pointing at her. 

“Again,” he shrieked out.

Nicole was laughing as she climbed out of the pool. She stood there dripping at the side of the pool, and flipped her wet hair back over her head. “You want to see it again?”

Darren gave her a huge smile and nodded his head. 

Nicole turned to face the pool, and gave a mighty leap into the air. After landing with a splash and bobbing back up, she turned again to face Waverly and Darren. 

“Again.” Darren called out.

“I don’t know. Don’t you want to try jumping yourself?” Nicole asked. She held out her arms to Darren.

He nodded his head and popped up from Waverly’s lap. 

“Hold up, young man. I need to take your clothes off first.” Waverly grabbed him by the middle and quickly lifted his shirt off. He plopped down at Waverly’s feet and tugged at his little sandals. One went flying over the pool chair when it came free. The other one dropped to the ground next to him. He stood up and walked over to Nicole standing in the pool. 

“You wanna jump?” She held out her arms to him, again. 

He didn’t hesitate, but jumped and tried to imitate Nicole by bringing his knees up. He splashed into the water with a squeal, and Nicole quickly grabbed him and pulled him up into her arms. From her peripheral vision, Nicole watched Waverly stand up and walk to the stairs of the pool.

“Hey buddy. I missed you.” She allowed him to sit back in her arms, but waited to see how he’d react to being that close to her. 

He leaned his head back and triumphantly let out another cry of delight. “Again!”

“That’s my man.” Nicole laughed with Darren. She brought him over to the edge of the pool and set him down. “Now hold up.” She held up her hands to show him that she wasn’t ready. “Remember how we counted to three before?”

“Free!” he shrieked. 

“That’s right. One. Two. Three.”

“Free.” His little voice carried out across the pool.

Nicole took a couple steps back from the edge of the pool and held out her arms. “One.” She waited to see if Darren would join in. He didn’t. “Two.”

“Free.” And he gave his own mighty jump into the pool. 

When she pulled him up again, she spun around to see where Waverly ended up. She was standing next to X and they were quietly talking to each other and watching her with Darren. Waverly gave her a small wave.

“Mama!” Darren shrieked. 

Nicole waded over to where Waverly and X stood next to each other. Darren reached out his hands and jumped at Waverly when they got close. Waverly caught him and pulled him into a quick hug. 

“What are you two talking about?” Nicole asked, keeping her eyes on Darren.

“You,” replied X. “And Darren.” 

“And?” Nicole asked.

“And that you’re pretty cute together,” Waverly answered. 

“Yep.” X nodded his head with a shit-eating grin. “I never pictured you as the mom-type. But I see now that I was wrong.” 

Nicole felt her cheeks flush. “Yeah, well, whatever.” She tried to play down the compliment by laying back into the pool and allowing the water to swallow her. She stood up face first, allowing the water to slick back her hair. “Are you all getting hungry? We could order some pizza and eat it out here at the playground.”

Waverly looked up at X for his opinion, and he nodded his head. “That sounds great,” she said.

 

After the pizza was consumed and Darren spent some time running around the playground, Waverly placed a hand on Nicole’s shoulder. 

“I think we should probably head back. I think Darren needs a nap, or he’s going to be really cranky.”

Nicole was watching X; he was supporting Darren as he tried to climb the slide. “If Darren needs a place to take a nap, I got a pack n’ play bed up in my guest room. I haven’t put it together, but I got it for him, if he ever needed a place to rest while you were over.”

“You did that for us?” Waverly asked.

“Of course. I want you to be comfortable here. I want to make it easy for you to visit me. It also has a changing table attachment. I’m not sure how that works, but I bet you do.”

“I’ve never used a pack n’ play before, but I bet we can figure it out. Are you sure?” She winced over at Nicole. “I don’t want to dominate your time.”

“Waverly, this is why I got it. This way, while he sleeps, we can have some adult time all together.”

Waverly smiled broadly at that. “That sounds really nice.” 

 

Up in the office-turned-guest bedroom, X and Waverly opened the box for the packable crib. It wasn’t too bad; it didn’t need much to come together. Most of the pieces slid and snapped together pretty easily. The most complicated part was getting the diaper changer attached to the top. 

While they were working on that project, Nicole sat down with Darren to read him a story. He was getting fidgety, trying to roll out of her lap and pulling at the book. He started to whine half way through the story. 

Waverly sat back on the carpeted floor, holding her head in frustration. “You know what, I don’t think it’s really worth putting that thing on top. We’ll just have to take it off when he goes down for his nap. And I’m not even sure that it will hold his weight. I’ll just use my changing pad on the floor.” 

Nicole glanced over. “Are you sure that’s ok. If this isn’t what you need, I can return it and get something different.” 

“I don’t want you to go to that trouble. The bed is perfect for him. I’ll just feel better about changing him on the floor.” She looked over at Nicole and Darren. “Don’t worry, I do it all the time. I think I need to get him to bed pronto, or he’s going to melt down.” She crawled over to Nicole on her knees and picked up Darren. “Are you a sleepy boy?” She asked in a pouty-mom voice.

He whined out again, “More pool.”

“Nope. Not right now. You need a nap first.”

Darren started crying. “No.” He leaned back sharply, trying to get free from Waverly’s arms. “NO NAP.”

Waverly looked up at X and Nicole. “Are you sure you’re up for this? I can take him home.”

“Why don’t we give you some space.” Nicole stood up and put her hand on X’s arm. “Try the crib, and hopefully it will work. You can join us downstairs if he goes to sleep.” She started walking out of the room, hoping that she cut off the subject of Waverly’s leaving. 

“If you need to head home, I bet Nicole and I can give you a ride.” X added. He looked over at Nicole for confirmation. She nodded her head. “Sure. If that’s what you need.” She tried not to sound too disappointed. 

 

Back in the living room area, X picked up the box containing the air mattress. He turned it over. “Do you mind if I open this up? We can use it as a make-shift couch.”

“Sure.” She looked around the empty space. Other than their sleeping bags and a few odds and ends, there wasn’t much to do or put away. She started to second guess herself, wondering if Waverly wouldn’t be more comfortable at her own home with real furniture and everything for Darren. 

“I have to admit. It was fun watching you with Darren. He’s a cute kid.”

“Yeah, he’s great. I just hope he’s ok up there.” She plopped down on the floor next to X as he tore open the cardboard box. “I thought it would be fun for the three of us to hang out a little. I know Waverly doesn’t get much adult only time. I was really looking forward to just hanging out.”

“Well, I don’t know much about kids, but he looked like he was moments away from crashing.”

“I think you’re right.” 

“Do you want a beer? I can get one from the fridge.”

“What about driving Waverly home?”

“I’ll drive. As long as one of you stays sober enough to lead the way.” 

Nicole smiled at him gratefully. “That sounds great. I’ll ask Waverly if she wants one, too.” 

Nicole quietly walked back up the stairs and into the guest room. Waverly was slowly rocking Darren on the floor; he appeared to be asleep in her arms. 

“Is everything ok?” She whispered softly.

Waverly smiled and nodded. 

“Do you think he’ll sleep in the crib?”

“Yeah,” said Waverly, breathily. She leaned over and tried to get up, but she lost her balance and slipped back into a sitting position. 

“Need some help?” Nicole walked over and held out her hand. 

“Maybe.” 

Nicole stooped down, face to face with Waverly. She felt a charge of electricity run through her, and it struck her that she wouldn’t be leaving after a few days; this was her new home, and she could see Waverly as often as she wanted. It felt weird to be so close. 

“Do you want me to get him?” Nicole asked, quietly. “Let you stand up?”

Waverly nodded again. She was watching Nicole closely, and the scrutiny caused a blush to creep over Nicole’s cheeks. 

She reached under Waverly’s arms to get a hold of Darren. Her hand brushed against Waverly’s stomach, and she tried to ignore the fact that she could feel her cheeks burn even brighter red. “Sorry,” she murmured. 

Waverly rolled forward as Nicole started to take Darren’s weight from her arms. “Thanks. He was starting to get heavy,” she said.

As Nicole stood up slowly with Darren, Waverly shook out her arms, and rose to stand next to her. She placed a soft kiss to the top of his head. “You’re really good with him,” Waverly whispered. 

“That’s what X just said.”

“I know. We were talking about it when the two of you were playing in the pool.” She stretched out her back and rolled her head around on her shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re really here. It kind of felt like a dream before, but now it’s real. You’re actually here.”

“I know.” Nicole looked down at Darren. His little mouth was open and every now and then his eyes would flutter behind his lids. She wondered what he was dreaming about. His body twitched, and he nuzzled his face into the crook of her elbow. She started to rock gently back and forth, and Darren’s body stilled. The skin of his cheek looked so soft, and Nicole thought back to the time when she watched Waverly nurse him to sleep. His hair was impossibly soft. His large curls at the back of his head, pressed gently into her palm as she held the back of his head. She wanted to run a finger over his cheek, but she needed both arms to hold him. She could see the appeal of folks who wanted to pinch little kids’ cheeks. They were enticingly soft.

“I think you can put him down now, if you want.” Waverly placed her hand on Nicole’s lower back as she leaned into the pair of them.

No, I don’t want to put him down, Nicole thought. She wanted to stay there, in that moment. Waverly next to her, touching her. Why did this have to feel so right?

Nicole waited a few more moments before she muttered an ok and walked over to the crib. 

The bed of the crib was only a few inches off the ground, but the walls of the pack n’ play reached up almost three feet above that. She quickly calculated if she’d be able to just bend over and place him down on the bottom of the bed. The upper edge of the crib hit her just below her hips. She tried stretching out over the crib, keeping Darren still cradled next to her body. 

As she started to lean over, Darren stirred. “How do you do this?” Nicole whispered over her shoulder.

“Don’t worry about waking him. At this point, he’ll fall back to sleep on his own.” Waverly’s hand still rested on Nicole’s back. She gave her a light squeeze. 

Nicole grinned at the sensation. She leaned down again, and once more Darren stirred. He let out a little whine as Nicole set him down in the bed. He rolled onto his back and one of his arms fell limply by his head. He let out a sound like a soft growl and then settled into his nap. 

“Well done,” Waverly said. “Aunt Nini to the rescue.” She hugged Nicole’s waist briefly as they watched Darren sleep. 

Then Waverly walked out of the room. “Are you coming downstairs?” she asked. Nicole was still watching Darren, a little hesitant to break the magic of the moment.

“Yeah.” She gave Darren a soft smile and then followed Waverly out of the room. 

X was waiting for them downstairs. The mattress was already inflated, and he was resting on it while looking down at his cell phone. He glanced up at them as they descended the stairs. “Everything good up there?” he asked. 

“Hunky dory.” Waverly answered him, hopping from the last step to the ground. 

“Great. Do you both want a beer? I got one for Nicole, but I can get one for you too, Waverly.”

“Oh don’t bother getting up; I can get it.” She walked into the kitchen and Nicole sat down next to X on the mattress. 

“You good?” He shoulder-bumped Nicole.

“Yeah, great.” 

“Is Darren asleep?”

“Yep. He barely moved at all when I put him in the bed.”

X looked over at Nicole. 

“What?” Nicole asked.

“You sure you’re going to be ok with all this? Being this close to Waverly?”

“Of course. Why?” she asked quickly. Waverly was looking for the bottle opener. “It’s next to the sink,” she called out to her.

“Well, I see you with her, with Darren. It’s like you’re a little family.” He paused a moment. “But you aren’t.”

“I know,” Nicole muttered. She didn’t want to admit to X just how on point he was. It did feel like a family. And she wanted that so much. More than she realized. 

“Just be careful, ok. Remember what Rachel said about women leaving their partners. This may never happen.”

“I get it.” She pulled at the hem of her shorts. “But it feels like there’s a chance, right?”

“Yeah, I think there’s a chance,” he agreed quietly as Waverly walked into the living area. She sat down on the floor across from Nicole and X, and leaned back against the wall.

“What are you two whispering about?” Waverly asked.

“Nothing,” Nicole quickly replied.

“Just life and everything.” X said at the same time.

“Ooh, that’s a conversation I want to join in on.” Waverly smiled broadly at them both and took a long drink of her beer. “God, this tastes good.” She looked down at the bottle. “It been forever since I’ve had a beer with friends.”

“There’s plenty more where that came from,” Nicole said and shifted back on the mattress to get more comfortable. 

“So, I’m curious. Where is Wynonna these days?” X asked before taking a long drink from his bottle of water. 

Waverly’s eyes quickly hit the ground. She clamped her knees together and pulled them in tight against her body. “Last I heard, she’s in Greece. She checks in every few months with my aunt and uncle. I assume she’s still there. She had a job as a bouncer for a night club in Athens, so that tied her down for a little while.”

Nicole was studying her closely. She was surprised how quickly Waverly shut herself down at the mention of Wynonna.

“Is everything ok with her?” Nicole asked, then second guessed herself. “I mean, if you don’t mind my asking.”

“Yeah,” Waverly said in an exaggerated sigh. “She’s happier when she’s not reminded of all of us. So, she rarely comes home.”

“What happened after she left Hope?” X asked.

“Nothing. She spent about six months at the other place and then moved out to Purgatory with us. She started her senior year, but dropped out and got her GED. As soon as she could afford it, she left the country.”

“I assume she knows about Darren. Has she met him?” Nicole asked.

“Nope.”

“Did she at least come back for your wedding?” Nicole asked incredulously.

Waverly let out a sharp laugh. “Are you kidding? She hates Champ.” 

One thing we have in common, thought Nicole. 

“We were already dating when she moved to Purgatory,” Waverly continued. “She threatened to beat him up on more than one occasion.” Waverly chuckled softly.

“What about you?” X asked. “What happened to you after you left? You kind of disappeared on us.” He placed his water on the ground and rested his head against the wall, still looking at Waverly.

“Me? Not much, really. Just a little of this and that. I started college in Colorado, but I didn’t finish. We got married shortly after that. Then when Champ got his job offer out here, we moved away.” Her body seemed to grow smaller as she talked.

“Did you already have Darren?” X kept his eyes firmly on Waverly.

“No. He came later, after we moved here. I was feeling really lonely and Champ thought that starting a family would help.” She started to pick at the label on the bottle.

“Did it?” he asked.

Waverly took her time in responding. She drank from her beer and set the bottle down carefully, shifting the carpeting around to create a nice flat space in which her bottle could rest. “Not really. Now, I’m lonely with a kid.”

The frankness with which she said that sent Nicole’s heart reeling. Even though she already knew it to be true, she knew Waverly felt like she was alone, hearing those words spoken out loud still hurt. 

“Darren is an awesome kid.” Nicole said, trying to recover. 

“Oh, of course. I love him to pieces, but this isn’t about Darren. I don’t feel like I have much of a connection to anyone out here.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Nicole saw X nodding. “How long have you been out here?” he asked.

“Just about three years.” Waverly leaned her head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. “God, has it really been that long? Sometimes it feels like a blur.” Suddenly Waverly started to laugh. “Hey, do you guys remember that crazy group exercise we did in Hope?” She looked over at Nicole. 

“Which one?” she asked. Nicole heard X snicker. 

“The one about the sinking boat. We had to pick who would survive and who wouldn’t.”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I remember it.” She absently pulled at her hem again. “How could I forget that?”

“Do you remember what they said about ‘The Right Choice?’” Waverly made some air quote as she said it. “Like there would ever be a right choice under those circumstances.”

Nicole nodded and dropped her gaze to her fingers picking at the fabric of her shorts. “That was the first time I really felt under attack for my sexuality. Like, if I had told them that I was gay, I really wouldn’t have been safe there.” She looked over at X. “I was so grateful when you spoke up and asked them about it. I was too scared to say anything myself.”

“I sort of figured that.” X gave Nicole a swift smile. “I thought that if I was gay, what they said would have terrified me. And then, I thought about you. I knew I had to say something.”

“That was really F-ed up.” Waverly blushed slightly at her half curse. “Sorry, I’m used to having Darren with me.” She giggled, then cleared her throat and sat up a little taller. “That was really fucked up.”

“Yeah,” X and Nicole mumbled together.

“Or how about the time you drew me that blue butterfly…”

X shot a look at Nicole, but she didn’t want to say anything about her tattoo. Waverly seemed to miss the look, as she continued. “I still have it. I went looking for it the other day. I don’t know why, but I kept my old journal from that place, and the drawing was still inside.”

“Huh,” said X. 

“I think I still have mine, too, in a box of old stuff,” Nicole said. “I guess it’s a reminder to me of how far I’ve come since then.”

Waverly nodded. “Meanwhile, the staff there acted like they were the ultimate authority on adolescence. Do you remember Susan?”

Nicole groaned.

“I bet she assumed she knew what was best for every kid in there, when really, she didn’t know jack shit about us.”

Uh huh, thought Nicole. She had tried not to think too much about Susan since she left Hope. But it made Nicole curious as to why Waverly felt like bringing it up now.

“Do you remember when she made you put on that awful dress?” Waverly asked.

Nicole didn’t respond. Despite the fact that it was over a decade since it happened, those memories still felt raw to her. 

Waverly continued hesitantly. “I… I helped dress you.” She said it so softly, Nicole wasn’t sure she heard her correctly. “I helped…undress you.” 

Nicole stared at Waverly.

“I’ve always felt so badly about that. I’ve had actual nightmares about it.” Waverly looked out the front window of the living room. “I sort of hoped that if we ever got in touch again, that I would have a chance to apologize for it. I really wish I could take that back, that I could go back to that moment and tell you that you didn’t have to do it. That I would have stood up for you.”

Nicole was absolutely baffled by this revelation. All she remembered from that moment was how she was stuck, frozen with fear at the thought of putting on the dress, and Waverly was there to help her. Waverly was the only person on the entire planet that she would have trusted in that moment.

“The whole time we were there, you were always so strong and confident. It made me feel better, too.”

Nicole’s bafflement turned to astonishment. Waverly thought she was strong?

“You’d just walk into a room like none of the crazy stuff going on around you mattered. Like you rose above it all.”

Was that really how Waverly saw me? Nicole had no idea how to handle this.

“You were so tough, so calm. I wanted to be just like you.”

Nicole felt her cheeks grow uncomfortably warm.

“I was so glad when they made you my roommate.”

Nicole laughed out loud at that. Ignoring the deep blush across her face, Nicole cut off Waverly’s almost painful fountain of admiration. 

“Now hold up. When they first made me your roommate, you hated me.”

“I hated that they separated Wynonna and me. I didn’t hate you.”

“You flipped me the bird!” 

“I never said I was good at directing my anger.”

“You wouldn’t even tell me your teddy bear’s name.”

“Eventually I did.” Waverly’s voice was so childlike, it melted right through Nicole. “Anyway. When Susan told you to put on that dress, I felt like I was helping her instead of helping you. It was almost like I was assaulting you.”

Nicole was speechless. 

“I made everything worse,” Waverly continued. “It was like you were gone, like your whole spirit had vanished.” Waverly paused a moment before continuing. She took a deep breath and exhaled. “I knew you didn’t want to do it, but I was the one who took off your clothes.” 

Nicole sat there staring at Waverly.

“I’m sorry.” It was almost a whisper.

“Waverly. You didn’t assault me. That was between Susan and me, not you. I wanted you there. I was grateful it was you. I don’t think I could have managed it without you.”

“That was the first time you looked broken,” Waverly added.

“It almost did break me. But that wasn’t your fault.”

“After I left, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure you hated me.”

“Now it’s my turn… I didn’t hate you, Waverly. I hated the dress; I hated Susan… still do. Why would you think I hated you?”

“Because I was the one who undressed you.”

You were also the one who kissed me, Nicole thought.

“I guess all I’m saying is, I’m sorry. I wish that never happened.”

“It’s ok, Waverly.”

“You’re not mad at me still?” Waverly winced at her question.

“I never was mad at you.”

“But you wouldn’t kiss me after that.”

Waverly’s statement caught Nicole off guard. “What? I didn’t know you wanted to.”

“Oh.” Waverly looked confused. “But we slept together.” She quickly looked over at X. “I mean, like SLEEP sleep, not sex.” Now there was a slight blush creeping up Waverly’s cheeks. Nicole had to admit, at least to herself, that Waverly was beautiful when she was flustered. She was beautiful at any time, but especially when she was embarrassed. 

Just then, they heard Darren start to cry, and all three looked up at the top of the stairs.

“Well, I guess that’s my timer going off,” Waverly joked, breaking the mood as she pushed herself up onto her knees and then lifted her body from ground. She didn’t look back at them as she walked up the steps. 

 

That night, Nicole and X awkwardly shared the blowup mattress. The living room was quite cool with the air conditioning and Nicole was grateful to have her sleeping bag. She tried to shift over so that she wouldn’t end up on top of X in the night, but the combined weight of their bodies on the cheap mattress created a canyon in the middle. And gravity being what it is…

“Hey, I’m just going to apologize right now for waking up on top of you.” Nicole tried to jerk her sleeping bag away from X. It caused the entire mattress to ripple and she ended up losing more ground than she gained. “Sorry.”

“You know, for all the nights we’ve spent with each other, I think this is the first time we’ve ever shared a bed.” X laughed. 

“My mom would be so proud.”

“Shut up,” he groaned. 

“If you want, I really can take the floor.” 

“No, you can’t; you baby. You’ll kill your back and I’ll hear nothing but bitching tomorrow.”

Nicole smiled at that. The darkness of the living room created an air of comfortable intimacy. “Hey X?” she asked. 

From the opposite side of the bed came a sleepy “uh huh.”

“So, I really like Waverly…”

“That much is obvious.”

Nicole laughed again, then restarted. “Earlier you said that there was a chance. What did you mean?”

X cleared his throat and rolled onto his back. His voice drifted up to the ceiling, like he wasn’t really talking to Nicole. “I mean, I think there’s a chance. Between you and Waverly. I don’t think it’s just you.”

“How can you tell?”

“Her body language. Did you see how her whole body tightened up when she talked about Wynonna?”

Nicole didn’t say anything, but X took that to mean she understood.

“She did the same thing when I asked her about her husband. She tightened up again.” He sighed out. “I’ve learned to read people pretty well. There is obviously more than just a little tension in that relationship. But when she was with you, talking to you, she was relaxed, more cheerful. Happier.” 

His words sank into Nicole like a welcome hug. “You think she was happier with me?”

“Nicole, the whole time she was here, her focus was never off of you. When she was talking to you about Hope, it was like I wasn’t even in the room. So yeah, she was happier. Because of you.”

Nicole felt a thrill run down her body; the electric charge of possibility. Of hope. “Thanks,” she whispered into the night before closing her eyes. It was only after she fully slipped under the cover of sleep that her smile slackened and relaxed away.

 

The next couple days became a blur of work setting up her new home and saying goodbye to X. When she dropped him off at the airport to fly back home, she hopped out of her car to give him a proper hug. 

“I can’t believe this is it,” she said, wrapping her arms around X’s meaty shoulders. 

“Yep.”

“You ok?”

“I should be asking you that, I’m the one who’s going home,” he said.

“Well, I guess this is home now.” 

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah. It’s weird, but I’ll be alright. I’m starting my bar review class tomorrow, so I’ll be pretty busy until after the exam.”

“Well, take care of yourself. Remember to eat, and sleep, and breathe,” he joked.

“I got it, dad.” Nicole patted him on the shoulder.

“So, this is it.” He clapped his hands together.

“Yep. First time living apart.” She looked around her at the line of cars stopped by the curb. The friends and families all getting out, all saying goodbye, giving hugs and thanks. She looked back at X. His dark eyes were turned up in a slight smile. He watched her, watching him.

“You know, I’ll always be your brother. You’ll always have a safe place with me.” His smile became large and warm. 

“Shut up, you sap.” Nicole lightly punched his arm. “But thanks.” She paused a moment, then added, “I know. And you always have a safe place with me.” 

X nodded his head, still grinning, and then hefted his bag onto his shoulder. “Girly.”

She waved at him as we walked through the doors and into the building. That was ok, she thought to herself. It wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be, and thank god she didn’t cry.

 

For the next month, Nicole barely had time to talk to Waverly, let alone actually see her. She was so wrapped up in her bar review course that she didn’t have much time for anything else. She was determined, however, not to waste the entire summer studying, and made plans with Waverly to host her family for a cookout and swim party for the Fourth of July. Nicole had a small break from her class for the holiday, and Waverly said she was excited to get Darren in the pool again. 

Nicole made sure that she reserved one of the community picnic tables next to a grill that lined the grassy area outside the playground. When they were planning out the party, Nicole agreed to get the stuff for hamburgers, while Waverly would bring snacks and desserts. 

As she quickly blitzed the downstairs, trying to get her home ready for company, Nicole felt her whole body energized. It was nice to be doing something other than obsessively studying for a change. The domestic work was a welcome distraction. When she finished wiping down her counter in the kitchen, she double checked the box of frozen hamburger patties in the freezer, and then pulled out a tomato and onion from the bowl next to the refrigerator and started to slice them up. 

She hummed to herself as she prepped the hamburger toppings. She started to sing and dance along to her go-to feel good music, the Beatles. She laughed at herself for how goofy she must look, but none of that mattered, even the fact that Champ was coming over didn’t dampen the excitement she felt at seeing Waverly and Darren again for the first time since she moved. The sun was shining brightly; it was a perfect day to swim; she wasn’t going to waste this holiday.

There came a loud knock on the door as Nicole finished slicing the onion. She wiped an errant tear on the back of her hand and went to open the door.

On the stoop outside stood Champ with Darren in his hands. Darren was already dressed in his Mickey Mouse swimsuit. He smiled then ducked his head into Champ’s shoulder when he saw Nicole. He muttered “Nini,” and gave her a silly side-eye look back. She winked at Darren as she greeted the family. Waverly was standing behind them, holding her diaper bag, as well as two large grocery bags, and wearing a beautiful summer dress and the biggest smile. 

Nicole stepped back and waved them all in to her home. She met Waverly’s eye as she crossed the threshold, and made sure to give her an extra wide grin. 

“Hey, welcome to my home. It probably looks different than the last time you saw it.”

“Yes, there’s actual furniture in it,” Waverly commented, looking around the open space. “It seems very… you.” She smirked and glanced back at Nicole. 

“What can I say; I’m an Ikea kinda girl.” 

“So, this is what the big bucks gets you?” Champ jumped in, setting Darren down. He looked around the living area. “Not much in here,” he added.

“Champ!” Waverly scolded. “She just moved in, and why would you even say that?” She shook her head and huffed out a frustrated breath. “Seriously?”

Champ shrugged. “So, where’s the food? I’m starving.” He rubbed his stomach. 

Darren, who had been watching his dad, said, “Stawling,” and also rubbed his belly.

“Champ,” Waverly said again, this time a little worried. “We just got here. Why don’t we get settled and then we can think about food.”

“POOL!” yelled Darren, and he hopped up and down. 

“Right, and we don’t want to eat before we go swimming. So why don’t you cool your jets for a bit,” Waverly said to Champ. “I have chips in the bag, you can munch on those while Darren gets to swim for a little.”

“But I’m hungry,” he whined. 

Nicole was startled by how much he sounded like a kid himself. Great, she thought, two minutes in and he’s already getting on my nerves.

“Champ, let your son swim for like twenty minutes. It won’t kill you, and you know how much he’s looking forward to it.”

“Pool. Jump,” Darren said emphatically.

“Darren, honey, can you say hi to Aunt Nini?”

“She’s not his real aunt,” Champ said under his breath to Waverly, but still audible to Nicole.

She smacked his shoulder, ignoring the comment and pointed at Nicole for Darren. “Please say hi, sweetie.”

Darren walked over to Nicole and held his hand high up in the air, waiting for Nicole to raise hers. When she held out her palm to Darren, he brought down his arm in a mighty swing and yelled out, “HA!” as he gave her the biggest high five he could manage.

 

Once they were out at the pool side chairs, Waverly worked to get Darren covered in sunscreen before he could wiggle free. He kept pointing at the pool and whining. Because it was a beautiful day, the pool was nearly filled. It wasn’t a small pool, but it felt much more cramped than the first time they were out there. Kids were splashing in all directions. There was a lingering scent of coconut flavored sunscreen and every bright color imaginable represented on the dozens of swimsuits. Nicole was internally glad that there were a lot of kids in the pool. She was a little worried that it would be a bunch of adults who would look down on Darren wanting to jump and splash. 

There were the occasional calls from parents to tell their children to stop running. Little wet feet padded next to the pool dripping generous amounts of pool water onto the pavement, which quickly started to evaporate in the warm sunshine. Kids shrieked and called, each vying for someone’s attention.

It all made Nicole smile. A cluster of kids started to yell “Mom!” at the same time, and Nicole watched the heads of several women popped up from a conversation. Nicole marveled that they could tell their child’s voice from all the others. 

A girl strutted on her tiptoes past Nicole while wearing a deep pink, Disney Princess bathing suit. Nicole was still waiting for Darren to be ready for the pool, when she smiled at the girl. She stopped in her tracks and proudly announced, “This is Cinderlella.” She pointed down at the princess in blue on her round tummy. 

Nicole nodded her head in agreement. She was amazed that the child was completely uninhibited. Then the girl pointed at Darren. “That’s Mickey Mouse.” 

“You’re right,” Nicole said, giving her a warm smile. 

Just then the girl’s mother walked up. “Bella, let’s not bother the nice lady.” 

“But he’s wearing Mickey Mouse,” she demanded. 

“Do you still want some watermelon?” the mother asked, distracting the girl. 

“Yeah!” she yelled and waved at Nicole as she walked to her family’s set of chairs. This is what summer was supposed to be, Nicole thought. 

By that point, Darren was ready for the pool. Champ striped off his t-shirt and kicked off his sandals. “You ready, buddy?” 

“Champ, don’t you want sunscreen, too?” Waverly held out the large bottle of banana flavored lotion.

“No way. I’m fine.” He said, as he stooped down to pick up Darren. 

On the way over to the pool, Darren started to fuss in Champ’s arms. 

“Come on, buddy. Let’s go in the pool. Just like you wanted,” Champ said.

Darren yelled no, and flopped back in his arms. 

Nicole remembered how he got really shy just before getting in the pool last time they were over. She was curious to see how Champ would handle it. 

“Sometimes he gets a little scared of the things he wants the most.” Waverly said, pulling up pool chair next to Nicole. “It’s like he gets so excited that it just gets overwhelming for him.”

Nicole quickly glanced at Waverly before returning her attention to Champ and Darren. He was holding Darren tightly as he took his first step down into the pool.

Darren shrieked at the top of his lungs and started to cry. 

“Champ, just let him down,” Waverly yelled out. “Let him do it himself. That’s what he wants.” 

“Well, he doesn’t have his floating thing on, so I’m not letting him go.”

“I can get it, if that’s what he wants.”

“What he wants is to have fun with his dad on the Fourth of July,” Champ shot back, sharply.

Waverly shook her head and sat back in her chair. “Whatever,” she muttered softly. “It’s not like I spend twenty-four/ seven with him and know him the best.”

Just then Darren let out a howl of anger and called for his mom. His little cheeks were beet red and two crocodile tears were rolling down them.

Waverly stood up and walked over to where Champ was holding Darren in the shallow end of the pool. “Just give him to me.”

“No, he wanted to swim, so we’re swimming.”

“Champ.”

“No, he’s two. He doesn’t know what he wants. He’ll be fine once he’s in the pool.”

“He’s making a scene. Clearly, he doesn’t want to swim right now.” She held out her arms for Darren.

“Waverly, he just needs to get wet and he’ll be fine.” He half dunked Darren in the pool up to his neck. 

Some water must have gotten into his mouth because Darren spluttered and screamed. He grabbed onto Champ’s neck when he brought Darren back up to his side and held on for dear life. 

Nicole jumped out of her chair and ran over to Waverly. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do, but she knew this wasn’t right. She could see that the other families were all watching them.

“Champ!” Waverly yelled.

“Hey Darren, do you want to try jumping from the wall like we did before?” Nicole hoped this would be a helpful diversion. 

Darren shook his head as he cried into Champ’s neck. 

“I know, I can toss you into the air and catch you,” Champ suggested. He placed his hands on Darren’s sides and lifted him up. 

Darren held on until Champ was able to break his hold. He whined out and yelled, “No!”

“Hey buddy, it’s ok, I’ve got you.” Champ tried to reassure him.

“No!” Darren’s arms still reached out to grab ahold of his dad. 

“Champ, he doesn’t want to…” Waverly said as Champ started to toss Darren up.

Darren was able to get a hand on Champ’s arm on the way up, but this threw off his toss. With his hand clutched by Darren, Champ wasn’t able to grab him on the way down. Darren plunged down into the pool over his head.

 

Several things happened simultaneously. 

Waverly screamed at Champ.

Champ cursed loudly.

And Nicole’s body froze.

 

It was as if Nicole was sitting in a movie theater and watching the events unfold:

Several of the kids laughed at Champ’s curse.

Two moms yelled at Champ to watch his language.

Champ bent down to fish Darren out of the pool.

Waverly screamed.

When Champ pulled Darren from the water, his eyes were open. 

Nicole wondered if he got water in his eyes. She wondered if it was stinging them.

Champ gave Darren a swift slap on the back. 

It sounded wrong. Like someone smacking a pat of butter.

Darren coughed and water came out of his mouth. 

Nicole wondered if the slap would leave a mark on Darren’s back.

Darren coughed some more.

Then he started to cry.

Champ hugged him. Darren clung to his neck.

Champ waded out of the pool.

Someone asked Nicole if they should call 911.

Champ and Darren were dripping.

It looked like Champ was peeing his pants.

Waverly grabbed Darren from Champ’s arms. Darren curled his body into Waverly’s.

Waverly’s shirt grew dark as the pool water seeped into her clothing.

Champ picked up their bags. He put their belongings away quickly and followed Waverly out of the pool area. 

They were gone.

 

Nicole was still standing at the side of the pool when someone put their hand on her shoulder. Nicole jerked back. Her knees were stiff from being locked, and she had difficulty stepping away from the contact. 

“It’s ok. He’s ok,” the disembodied voice said. Then the voice repeated itself. “It’s ok. He’s going to be ok.”

Nicole turned to look for the voice. It was the mother of the Cinderella girl. 

“You look really scared. But I think it’s going to be ok. He was breathing when they left.”

Nicole’s jaw was clenched so tightly, it wouldn’t open to let her talk. So, she stiffly walked back to her apartment. The living room was cool and dark once the door was closed. She stood just inside the doorway and forgot about time.

 

That night, Nicole was sitting on her couch. The sound of fireworks going off nearby kept her from disappearing too far into her head. She hadn’t called Waverly yet. She was afraid to. She was afraid that Waverly saw her freeze, saw her disappear. Maybe she saw her completely unable to respond. She didn’t help; she didn’t jump in to rescue Darren. She thought she was brave. She thought that in a crisis she would step up, be one of the people who would respond. She wouldn’t hide or cower. She wanted to be brave.

But instead, she froze. Completely. She still hadn’t said a word since the incident. She wouldn’t pick up her phone. She wasn’t sure where her phone was. Maybe it was still by the pool. Her towel was still there, she thought. 

Why did she freeze? She knew something bad was going to happen when Champ insisted on tossing Darren in the air. Why didn’t Champ listen to Waverly? Why didn’t he listen to DARREN? 

All of these thoughts occupied most of her stomach and rolled and churned around in there. She was ashamed that she didn’t jump in the pool, punch Champ, and take Darren from him. But he’s his dad. Shouldn’t he know better?

Just then, her doorbell rang. Nicole’s heart stopped. She looked over at her door so quickly, she felt her neck snap and burn. 

The doorbell rang again.

When she opened the door, Waverly was standing on the other side and she was carrying Darren. Next to her on the small stoop rested a car seat and a diaper bag. The evening had grown quite dark. Nicole looked around to see if Champ was behind them.

“He’s not here. It’s just us,” Waverly said quietly.

“Is Darren ok?” Nicole really looked at Darren. He was straddling Waverly’s side, and his head was resting on her shoulder. His eyes were glassy; one thumb rested in his mouth with the pointer finger hooked over his nose to keep it in place. He was silently studying Nicole with tired side eyes.

“He’s ok. The pediatrician thinks he’s going to be ok. They gave him a nebulizer treatment and told me to keep an eye on his coughing.”

Nicole nodded. She didn’t move out of the doorway.

“I hope it’s ok that we came here. I didn’t know where else to go.”

Waverly’s statement activated Nicole into action. She stepped aside. “Of course, Waves. You’re always welcome.” 

Waverly stepped into the living room. She tried to set Darren down on the couch, but he whined out and hugged her more tightly. Waverly sighed and turned to Nicole, still holding Darren. “Do you mind bringing in his car seat and diaper bag. I’m sorry; I’m such a mess.”

Nicole grabbed the items; she noticed that Waverly brought a different diaper bag this time. It was a much larger one than her usual day pack. She set them down and noticed her pool towel sitting in a pile next to the front door, and on top of it was her cell phone. She shook her head slightly because she honestly didn’t remember bringing them back with her. She closed the door, then turned to face Waverly again.

“Is it ok if I give him a bath and put him down upstairs? He’s exhausted and we’ve all had a long day.”

“Of course.” Nicole walked up the stairs to the main bathroom on the second floor. Waverly followed close behind. Nicole opened her linen closet and grabbed a towel. She walked into the bathroom and set the towel down on the counter. “Do you need anything else? I have some shampoo and stuff, but I’m not sure if that’s what you use for him.” 

Nicole turned to find Waverly holding Darren behind her. She placed her hand on Darren’s back and gave it a gentle rub. “Hey Darren,” Nicole said, “I’m glad you’re ok.” 

He continued to watch her silently. Nicole couldn’t tell if he was mad at her or just really tired. 

“I was really scared. Were you scared, too?” she continued.

Darren slowly nodded his head, not lifting it from Waverly’s shoulder; he kept his thumb and forefinger in place, too.

“My big boy is so tired. Thanks for letting us do this.” She gestured with her head back at the guest bedroom where the pack ‘n play was still set up. 

“Waverly, that’s why I got it. I want you to be comfortable here. Both of you.” Nicole rubbed Darren’s back again.

“Will you help me bathe him?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“If you hold him, I can get the water drawn and get my stuff ready.”

Nicole quickly wondered if Darren would even want her to hold him. She looked down at him. He was still watching her. “Is it ok if I hold you?” Nicole asked.

Darren nodded his head, then he leaned over toward Nicole and reached out his hands to her. Nicole took his weight under his arms, and he wrapped them around her neck in a hug. It was his first hug since the day she arrived in Virginia. His weight settled in her arms and against her hip. It felt so nice to hold him. She didn’t realize how much she missed it. 

As Waverly disappeared downstairs, Nicole held Darren and gently rocked him back and forth, getting lost in the warmth of his little body cradled to her. He put his thumb back in his mouth. His hair still smelled of chlorine and sunscreen. Nicole brought a hand up to hold the back of his head, fully enwrapping him in the embrace. 

He settled his head on her shoulder and pulled his thumb out of his mouth. “Nini,” he whispered. He placed his hand on her cheek, his still wet thumb leaving a trail down the side of her face.

Nicole laughed out a quiet “Yeah, buddy,” and hugged him tighter. 

Waverly rejoined them. “You ready?”

Nicole stepped aside to allow her access to the tub. Waverly started the water, and Nicole sat down on the toilet top to wait. Darren curled his knees around her lap and sat back. He poked her chest, “Nini?” 

“Uh huh?”

“Lellow truck?”

“Did you bring your yellow truck?” 

Darren turned to look at Waverly. 

“I think it’s in my bag down stairs. Do you want to play with it in the tub?”

Darren nodded his head. 

“Ok. When you get in the tub, I’ll run downstairs and get it.” Then Waverly looked up at Nicole. “Do you mind stripping him?”

“Sure.”

When the bath was drawn, Nicole set Darren down on the floor and removed his diaper. He stood in front of the tub watching the water. Before he started to climb in, Darren peed against the tub wall. 

“There’s peepee,” he announced, pointing down at the small puddle. Nicole and Waverly looked at each other, then burst out laughing. It was the first time since earlier in the day that Nicole felt like laughing. It was almost like she had forgotten how. Waverly grabbed some toilet paper to mop up the mess.

“Oh god, sorry.” Waverly cheeks were bright red. “I was hoping he’d do that in his diaper before we put him in.” She looked over at Nicole sheepishly. “I’ll clean it, if you show me where your cleaning supplies are.”

“Wave, it’s ok. Part of having kids, right?” Nicole was trying to suppress her giggles. “At least he didn’t go in the tub this time.” Nicole ran out into the hall to get her bathroom cleaner and a rag. 

As Waverly cleaned up, Nicole helped Darren into the tub. He sat down but looked worried. 

“No!” he said and pointed at the water. 

“Do you think he’s afraid of the water?” Nicole asked.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” she said to Nicole. “Sweetheart, are you afraid of the water?”

“No mouff.” 

“You don’t want to put your mouth in the water?” Nicole asked.

“No mouff.”

“What if I put my mouth in the water?” Nicole asked. She didn’t want Darren to be afraid of the water after the incident today.

“No.”

Nicole leaned over and placed just her lips under the surface and blew some bubbles. She pulled up and saw that Darren was watching her closely. 

“Do you want me to do it again?” Nicole asked him. Darren nodded his head.

Nicole leaned down again, this time put most of her face into the bath water and blew harder. 

She heard Darren shriek, “Nini!” When she turned her head, she saw he was laughing at her, and she was splashing him with the bubbles. He splashed her back.

Nicole took in a deep breath and blew some of the water at Darren. He laughed out and put his own head in the water to blow bubbles back at Nicole. 

From behind her, Nicole heard Waverly cheer Darren on. “Way to go, baby boy. You get her.” 

Darren sat back up. He was laughing so hard he started to cough.

“Ok,” Waverly crawled over to him and started to rub his back. “Maybe that’s enough for now.” She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. “I’m really proud of you, though, for putting your face in the water.” 

Darren lean down again and blew more bubbles.

Nicole used Darren’s towel to dry her face. She sat back and watched Waverly bathe him. They held their own mother and son conversation. Waverly could understand everything that Darren was saying, even when it didn’t make any sense to Nicole. This was clearly a part of their bathing routine, and Nicole loved being included. She felt the stress of the day slowly start to slip away with the normalcy of this small moment. 

That’s what it felt like, Nicole realized. Normal. And it was beautiful. It was messy and uncertain, but it was beautiful. She laughed along with Waverly and Darren as they carried on their conversation. 

When the bath was finished, Waverly took Darren into the guest room and got him ready for bed. Nicole went downstairs to wait for Waverly.

After about ten minutes, Waverly walked quietly down the steps and sat next to Nicole on the couch. 

Without looking over at her, Waverly said, “What a fucking day.”

Nicole wasn’t sure if she should laugh or cry. “Uh huh.”

“Thank you for letting us come over. I didn’t know where else to go.”

Nicole sat back in the couch. She guessed that this was the start of a much larger conversation. “Do you want a drink?”

“Yes, please.”

“I have beer and one bottle of wine. I’m not sure about the wine, the firm gave it to me as a welcome present.” 

“Beer is good.”

Nicole stood up and walked to the kitchen. As she opened the fridge door, she looked back at Waverly. “Are you hungry at all? I just realized that I haven’t eaten anything today since breakfast.”

“No… Well maybe a little. What do you have?”

“I still have the hamburgers from earlier. Would you want one?”

“I don’t think I can eat an entire burger myself right now. Not sure my stomach can handle it.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve felt like my stomach has been tied in knots since it happened.”

“Nicole,” Waverly said. She sounded a little astonished. Pushing herself off the couch, Waverly walked over and stood next to Nicole. She wrapped an arm around Nicole’s waist and pulled her into her side. “I’m sorry. I should have thought about how you’d feel with us just abandoning you like that.”

“It wasn’t that.” Nicole stopped herself. She didn’t want to make this about her. “I was just worried about Darren. That really scared me.”

Nicole felt a squeeze around her waist. “I know what you mean.”

“Do you want to share a burger? I have all the fixings already made.”

Waverly nodded. “Sure, that sounds great.” She dropped her arm and pulled away from Nicole, then leaned against the counter. 

Nicole pulled out the package of frozen hamburger patties and started her oven.

When the patty was in the oven, Nicole grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge. She opened them both and handed one to Waverly.

“Thanks.” She held up the bottle to tap it lightly against Nicole’s, then took a long drink and set the bottle down on the counter. “Can I tell you something, like in strict and absolute privacy?”

Nicole set her own bottle down next to Waverly’s. “Of course.” She turned away from Waverly and busied herself with the hamburger toppings.

“I’m not sure I can take it anymore.”

Nicole stopped, but she didn’t look over at Waverly. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m not sure I can take Champ anymore. I feel terrible for saying it, but that’s how I feel.” 

From the corner of her eye, she saw Waverly slide down the counter to lean against the fridge. 

“I can’t stand it when he’s out late, which is most nights nowadays. But then when he’s home, I can’t stand it either. I dread what he’s going to say. I feel like I’m constantly having to get on his case about saying inappropriate things around Darren. I mean, he thinks it’s funny when Darren curses, for god’s sake.” Waverly went silent for a moment and snorted. “Ok so it’s a little funny,” then she let out an exasperated groan, “but I don’t want to encourage that. And it’s like he doesn’t get it. I do all this stuff for our family, but since I don’t bring home a paycheck, my opinion doesn’t mean squat.” She groaned and rested her head against the side of the fridge. “It’s so frustrating.”

“Has it always been like this?” Nicole turned to face Waverly.

“Yes and no.” She closed her eyes. “Yes, it’s always been like this, but it’s only now that it bothers me.” She opened her eyes to look at Nicole. “But it really bothers me. I feel like I’m living for bedtime when I can just go to sleep and disappear from it all.”

“What about Darren?”

“Darren’s great. Darren’s wonderful. I love him to death, but I need someone else to talk to besides a toddler.” She dropped her eyes to the floor. “That’s why I was so glad that you ended up moving closer. Now I finally have a friend here. A real friend. Someone who’s just mine. And I can talk to you and I don’t cringe at everything you say. You make me laugh.” She raised her gaze back up to Nicole and pointed at her. “You push my buttons and challenge me to be a better person.” A small smile peeked out at the corners of her eyes as Waverly wagged her finger at Nicole. 

Nicole was helpless. She was completely disarmed by that smile. Yes, to all of that, and more, if you’ll let me, she thought. 

The alarm went off on the oven and Nicole used the interruption to break her thought process. She flipped the burger and set it to cook on the other side. When she’d closed the oven door, she stood up and faced Waverly.

“What do you want to do?”

“Honestly? I don’t want to go home.” Waverly seemed to close up a little after saying that. She brought her arms around her chest and hugged herself.

“You can stay here if you want. I have an air mattress, I’m happy to sleep on that down here, so you can have the bedroom near Darren.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. You have your bar exam coming up, you don’t need me in your hair.”

“Waverly, I want you to listen to me.” She took a step closer to Waverly. “I’d rather have you here and safe, than with Champ. I’d worry about you all the time; I wouldn’t get any sleep. Then I’d fall asleep during my bar review classes, and I’d end up failing my exam, and then I’d lose my job and I’d end up destitute and alone. So really, you’d be doing me a favor by staying with me.” She cocked her head and smiled at Waverly broadly.

“Shut up,” Waverly said, playfully. “You’re just trying to make me feel better.”

“Uh huh.” Nicole’s smile grew wider.

“See, here you are doing it again. You know what, if I were at home right now, I’d be eating my stomach from the inside out. I don’t know if Champ is at home, but I don’t even want to see his face.” Her jaw tightened and her hands clenched. “Can you believe him? I mean, really. It’s unbelievable.” She shook her head. “Darren clearly didn’t want to be in the pool, and he kept insisting on tossing him up in the air.” Waverly grunted in frustration. “Who does that? And it’s not like it’s the first time.” She wrapped her arms tightly across her middle. “Did I tell you that when we first moved out here, he told me that the distance from my family would be a good thing? He actually said that. I needed to get away from Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis because they were too controlling of me.” 

Her anger was boiling up; Nicole had seen this fire rage out of control before. She stood back and let it all pour out. This was what she really needed. Nicole was her safety release valve. She could take every ounce of anger that Waverly had for Champ, and she would let it grow into her own hope. 

“What about him telling you that you shouldn’t get a job?”

“OH!” Waverly yelled, then clamped her hand over her mouth. She looked up at the top of the stairs. “Don’t get me started on that one,” she whispered harshly. She shook her head, then laid in. “Every time I say we need something, he comes back saying money is tight. Money is tight; money is tight. But he clearly has enough money to go out drinking every night. And then, when I do find a job, and one that I’m really excited about, he tells me that real women don’t want to put their children into daycare.” She looked at Nicole with fire in her eyes. “He actually said that. He questioned my commitment to Darren because I wanted to get a job.” She paused and clenched her jaw so hard, the muscles on the side of her temples and mouth popped out. “Guess what, bozo, women all over the world have to get jobs and it’s ok. It doesn’t make them bad moms.” 

Waverly shook her head and grabbed her beer bottle. She threw back an extra-long drink and placed the bottle back on the counter with a loud clank. 

“Oh shit.” She covered her mouth and laughed at herself. “What am I doing? I’m going to wake up Darren.” She laughed silently. 

“I think you’re doing exactly what you’ve been needing to do for a long time.” Nicole said, before taking a drink of her own beer to try and hide her self-satisfied smile. 

“You’re dangerous for me.” Waverly wagged her finger at Nicole again.

Nicole tried to stifle her laugh as she thought, you have no idea…

The oven timer went off again, signaling that the burger was done, and Nicole put the sandwich together. When she had sliced the burger in half, she slid one side onto a small plate for Waverly. 

Waverly stepped up next to Nicole and again wrapped her arm around Nicole’s waist. Nicole put down the knife she was holding and placed her arm around Waverly’s shoulders. 

“Thank you for this,” Waverly said softly. 

Nicole imagined she wasn’t just talking about the burger. 

 

They settled onto the couch together, holding their plates with the shared burger. Nicole tentatively took a small bite. It tasted good, but when she swallowed, the burger felt heavy in her stomach. 

Nicole looked over at Waverly. She picked a corner of the burger off and placed it in her mouth. It didn’t look like she was chewing, just letting the patty rest in her mouth. 

“Everything ok? Is it cooked enough?”

Waverly lifted her eyes to Nicole and smiled. “It’s great. I just can’t decide how hungry I am. I feel like I should be hungrier than I am.”

“I know stress always hits me in the stomach.”

“Me too.” Waverly let out a sigh and put her plate down on the living room table. Nicole set hers down as well and shifted on the couch to slightly face Waverly.

“We’re both a mess,” Nicole laughed. She rested her head against the back of the couch. “So do you want to just spend the night here, get a little space, think things through?”

Waverly let her eyes drift back to the two sandwiches sitting on the table. She nodded her head. “If that’s ok. I know I’m springing this on you, and you said it’s ok, but really if it’s not ok, that’s ok, too.”

“Waverly, I have no idea what you just said, but I wouldn’t invite you if I didn’t mean it. I want you to stay.”

“You’re sure?” Waverly asked with a wince. 

“Yep.”

“Why does that make me feel so much lighter? This is terrible; I’m talking about leaving my husband, and, really, let’s be honest, that’s what I’m talking about, and it makes me feel better just thinking about it.” She looked up at Nicole. “I kind of feel hope. I haven’t felt that way in a long time.” She paused a moment and looked down at her hands, then continued. “Well, actually, that’s not true, I feel it when I’m with you.” 

Nicole’s smile just about burst out of her. “Thanks.”

“Do you think I’m a terrible person? That I shouldn’t be giving up on my marriage? Lately, I’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, but I’m not really sure it will help at this point. I don’t want to just give up, but the other day I asked myself if Champ totally changed tomorrow would that make a difference…” She looked back up at Nicole. “I know this sounds awful, but no. If I’m being really honest, the answer is no.”

“I think that’s a really important step to take, Waverly.” Nicole reached over and placed her hand on top of Waverly’s. “It’s really brave of you to say it.”

“But that’s just it. That’s all I can do. Nicole, I don’t have anything. I don’t have a job, I don’t have any money separate from Champ. I don’t have anywhere to go, and I wouldn’t know where to start, even if I did.” She gripped Nicole’s hand in her own. “God, this is so scary. Just saying the ‘D’ word out loud is scary.”

Nicole gave Waverly’s hand a quick squeeze. “First of all, you do have a place to go; you’re here already…”

“Nicole…”

“No, I mean it. Take that worry off your shoulders. As for divorce,” she stopped at the word and really studied Waverly. “I can ask around my firm for the name of a good attorney, maybe ask some questions, see what you can expect.”

“You would do that for me?”

I would do a lot of things to you, Nicole thought. Her cheeks flared up when she realized where her mind went.

“For you, anything.”

“How am I going to afford this?”

“Maybe you can call the library tomorrow and see if they still have that job open, or something like it.”

“I feel like I’m about to open Pandora’s box.”

Nicole furrowed her brows in question. “Huh?”

“Pandora’s box. I feel like I’m about to open it. I feel like this is the moment just before Pandora opened the box. Curiosity finally wins out, and she’s sitting there with the box on her lap, and she’s just about to open it up because it’s too much.” Waverly stopped dead. Her expression fell and the air around her took on a heavy quality. “It’s too much.” She paused again. 

“I think I finally understand her, though,” Waverly continued, “Pandora I mean. I finally get it. Before, I always thought she must be weak for opening the box. It’s an absence of action; she just needs to do nothing and she’d be ok. But the truth is bigger than that. Far bigger. She was always going to open it. She doesn’t really have a choice, it’s just a matter of when.” Waverly’s voice drifted off. 

“Do you often fancy yourself in the role of Greek myths?”

Waverly snorted. “No,” she laughed out. 

“As I recall, doesn’t Pandora end up with hope at the end? Doesn’t hope remain behind? If you think about the box as a metaphor for her heart, then opening the box is actually a good thing. It lets out all the bad stuff, but keeps in the good.”

“This is why I like you, Nicole. I could never have this conversation with Champ. He’d just laugh at me and call me a nerd.”

“His loss.”

Waverly nodded her head silently and picked up her beer.

Just then a heavy knock shook the entire room. 

“Waverly!” Champ’s muffled voice rang through the door.”

“Oh shit!” Waverly said as she froze, beer midway to her lips. 

Nicole’s eyes shot open. What the hell was Champ doing here? 

There was another pounding at the door.

Nicole jumped up. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this. Go hide down the hall and I’ll tell him to go away.”

Waverly was on the verge of tears; her hand was shaking so bad that she had a hard time putting her bottle back on the table. Nicole took the bottle from her and set it down. “Don’t worry, I won’t answer the door until you’re hidden.”

Waverly nodded and stood. She looked around her, as if she was uncertain where to go.

“I got this, I swear. He can’t hurt you while you’re here.”

Just then, as a third set of knocks sounded, Waverly gripped Nicole’s arm hard. “Please don’t say anything to him.”

“I promise. I won’t even tell him that you’re here.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I’ll just tell him he has to leave.”

“Ok,” Waverly said, under her breath, and she walked down the hall. 

Once she was hidden away in the powder room, Nicole looked over at her front door. By this point, her hands were shaking. She wasn’t sure how this was going to play out, but she knew Waverly needed her to be strong. She could do this.

She walked across the room, unlocked the door, and opened it.

Champ was standing on the stoop. His arms were crossed in front of his barrel chest and his eyes were set on Nicole.

“Where’s Waverly?” he demanded.

“I don’t know.”

“Fuck that, I know she’s here. This is the only place where she’d come.”

Nicole said nothing. She bit her cheek to keep from smiling at Champ’s remark. I’m her safe place, not you, she thought. 

“Listen here, she’s my wife, and I demand to see her. She can’t just run away. She belongs to me.”

Again, Nicole said nothing. She crossed her arms and gave Champ a bemused expression. Who does this jerk think he is?

“Oh, look at you, you think you’re so great,” Champ sneered. “You think you have Waverly all wrapped around your finger because you’re a fancy lawyer. Well, I hope you know that Waverly doesn’t even like you that much. You’re just the only person stupid enough to want to talk to her.”

Nicole steeled her expression. She knew full-well that Champ was trying to get a rise out of her. He was trying to push her buttons, but it wouldn’t work. 

Just then, Nicole remembered what X had said about threshold guardians. Nicole snickered at the joke as she realized that she was being a literal threshold guardian. 

“Listen dyke, don’t you laugh at me…”

But before Nicole even had a chance to respond to the slur, Waverly screamed out from behind her.

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Waverly came marching up the living room behind her. She pushed her way past Nicole and shoved Champ back almost to the sidewalk. 

“Don’t you dare say anything like that to her.” Waverly jabbed her finger into Champ’s chest. “She’s been nothing but kind to me, while you’re the dickweed who almost drowned his son because you thought it would be fun for him.” She stopped only long enough to take in a deep breath.

“Our whole marriage, you’ve only thought about yourself. Well guess what, asshole, that’s isn’t good enough anymore. You don’t want me talking to my family; you don’t want me getting a job; you don’t want me seeing friends, or hell, even making friends. It cuts you up that Nicole is MY friend and you can’t stop that. You don’t control her. And you know what? You don’t control me either. You’re a shitty husband, a terrible father, and I WANT A DIVORCE.”

She panted out several breaths as that final word hovered in the air. 

Champ looked as stunned as Nicole felt. 

Then Waverly spun on her heels, grabbed Nicole’s wrist as she passed in front of her, effectively pulling her back inside. 

Nicole slammed the door shut and quickly bolted the lock, then turned to face Waverly.

Waverly was standing at the foot of her couch, still panting, watching Nicole. 

Time seemed to suspend itself as they stared at each other. 

“I did it.” 

Waverly’s voice was surprisingly quiet.

“I really did it. I opened the box. I let it out.”

“How do you feel?”

“Released.” 

 

“Nicole, can I tell you something?” she said after a long pause. “I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but I kinda want to kiss you right now.” Waverly winced at her own admission.

Nicole stood stock still, unsure how to respond. She was afraid to look away in case Waverly vanished into a dream. “Waves, you’re only just getting out of a relationship.” She paused to try and catch her breath. Why am I out of breath? “This is a lot to take in. You’ve been through so much tonight. Everything is up in the air; everything is changing for you. I don’t want to confuse you, or have you do something that you’ll regret later.”

“Would you regret kissing me?”

“No! God no, Waverly, it’s not that. I’ve wanted to kiss you since you first kissed me back in the hospital, but I don’t want you to do anything you’ll feel bad about later. I mean, you’re just starting a separation from Champ, and this is all so new. I can wait.”

“I can’t.”

And Waverly steamrolled Nicole against her front door and buried her lips against Nicole’s. 

Nicole’s mind went blank. Or actually, Nicole’s mind stopped all other functions, as Waverly’s lips took total possession of her. She owned her with that kiss.

When Waverly pulled back, fingers still wrapped around her jaw, Nicole let out her held breath and profoundly said, “wow.”

“Wow, yourself.” She smiled, and Nicole abdicated a little more of her heart to the woman standing in front of her. 

“Do you mind if I try that again?” Waverly asked.

Nicole shook her head. 

Waverly leaned up to kiss her again, but this time, Nicole stepped into the kiss, embracing Waverly and pulling her close. 

After a bit, Nicole loosened her grip, but she kept her lips close. She craved their proximity. She allowed herself to hover there, just before her, a breath’s distance away. It seemed like Waverly had a magnetic pull on her. The closer she got, the harder it was to pull away.

“Will you take me to bed?” Waverly’s hazel eyes sparkled. Nicole silently wondered if she’d ever really seen her eyes before. The greens and grays danced in between streaks of brown…

“Nicole?”

“Huh?”

“Will you take me to bed with you?”

Nicole just nodded.

 

When they got upstairs, Nicole guided her to the bed. Waverly shifted over to the middle and patted the mattress next to her. Nicole crawled up and lay down next to her, stretching her body alongside Waverly’s and propping her head up on her elbow.

Waverly relaxed back into the pillow and smiled up at Nicole. She reached out and placed a strand of hair behind Nicole’s ear. The small contact sent goosebumps racing down her neck. 

“I can’t believe I’m here,” said Waverly as she glanced around the room.

Me either, thought Nicole. She gave Waverly some time to take in her surroundings. The room was plainly furnished, with just the bed and a bedside table with a small lamp on top. The doors to the bathroom and closet stood a few feet away from the foot of her bed. 

Waverly looked back at Nicole coyly. “Come here,” she said and wrapped her hands around the back of Nicole’s head. “I miss you.” 

“I’m right here,” said Nicole, as leaned over and kissed the tip of Waverly’s nose. 

“Not close enough.”

Nicole felt Waverly pull on her neck, and she rolled forward, lifting her head off from her hand and kissed Waverly properly.

When Nicole pulled back, Waverly hummed. “Can I tell something?”

Nicole nodded, brushing her nose against Waverly’s.

Waverly smiled and gripped her head a little tighter. “I was really jealous of all the women you were going to be bringing back to the apartment that I picked out.”

Nicole chuckled at that. She leaned down and kissed her again. 

Waverly gently pushed Nicole away with her hand on Nicole’s chest. “I’m serious. I wanted to be the one coming here.”

“Waves, you know I only wanted you.” She kissed her. “It was only (kiss) ever (kiss) going to be you that I brought home.”

“How can you say that? I was married.”

“You still are.”

“Not in my heart. I haven’t been for a long time.”

Nicole ran a finger down Waverly’s neck to the top of her shirt. “Have you seen my tattoo?”

Waverly seemed to shudder under her touch. “You have a tattoo?”

“Uh huh.” 

“Where? I’ve seen you swimming. Is it on your butt?”

Nicole grinned. “Nope. It’s on my hip.” She leaned back and pulled down the side of her pants to show Waverly.

“A blue butterfly!” Waverly’s expression changed to astonishment.

“It was only ever going to be you.”

“When did you get that?” She lightly shook Nicole’s shirt.

Nicole grinned at her and said, “it was my college graduation present to myself.”

“But you didn’t even know me then. Not really.”

“Yes I did.” Nicole kissed her, lifting Waverly’s knee to slip a leg in between hers. She heard Waverly groan. “From Hope.” Nicole rolled her hips forward and kissed Waverly’s neck.

Waverly grabbed Nicole’s arm tightly.

“You were always the standard.” Nicole kissed behind her ear. “The bar everyone had to meet. And failed.” She gently kissed Waverly on the lips.

“Nicole Haught, if you don’t shut up and make love to me right now, I’m going to scream. How’s that for a standard.”

Nicole laughed. “Gladl…” But Waverly cut her off with a kiss.

When Nicole sat back on her legs to start to undress, she was surprised to see Waverly quickly strip out of her own clothes. Her shirt and bra came off before Nicole could even protest. 

“What? I thought you’d want me naked.”

“Waves, it’s not a race. I want to enjoy that part too.”

Waverly watched her, stunned. “Why?”

“You’ve been having sex with guys, with women it’s different. It isn’t about what you see, but how you get to see it. Think of it like telling a story.” Nicole took the top button of Waverly’s pants between her fingers and popped it open. “You want to build up the drama a little first.” 

Nicole smiled when she saw Waverly’s expression grow pained. 

“Well, can we at least hurry this story along? I’m dying.”

Nicole chuckled, and ran the zipper down slowly, feeling each tooth part open.

Waverly growled and rolled her hips forward against Nicole’s hand. 

As her pants opened, Nicole watched as Waverly’s pubic bone was slowly revealed. It pressed out her panties in a beautiful little tent. 

Nicole gently placed her lips on Waverly’s stomach above her panty line. 

Waverly’s stomach muscles jumped at the contact, and she moaned out. 

The skin at her stomach was baby soft, and the downy hair tickled her lips. Nicole pressed her mouth in harder and felt the muscles tighten under her skin as Waverly moaned again.

“Please take my pants off.”

Nicole wrapped her fingers under the edge of both her pants and panties and pulled them down.

She heard Waverly moan out a weak, “yes,” as she lifted her hips to help. 

When her clothes were removed, Nicole stripped off her own. Waverly sat up, her breasts sitting proudly in front of her chest. Nicole wanted to jump right in and taste them, but she held herself back.

“Is this ok?”

“Yes.” Then Waverly’s eyes drifted down to Nicole’s crotch. She ran her thumb across the blue butterfly tattoo. 

Nicole swallowed hard.

Waverly’s thumb drifted into the soft hair over her pubic bone. She reached out and gently took Waverly’s hand in her own, lifting it off of her. 

“You don’t need to touch me, if you’re not ready for that.” She made sure to meet Waverly’s eyes with her own. 

“But I want to make you feel good.”

“How about this time, I make you feel good.” Nicole leaned over and kissed her.

Waverly’s hands reached out for her head again, slid behind her ears, and pulled her forward as Waverly lay back in the bed. 

Their lips separated as Nicole stretched out on top of Waverly. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” Waverly asked.

“That’s more than what I want,” she whispered, her lips by Waverly’s ear.

Waverly’s warm, silky skin seemed to accept Nicole in a welcome embrace. Nicole was sure that if she forgot herself, she could get lost in all that skin. 

Waverly opened her thighs to Nicole, and it was almost too much. Nicole ran her hand up her inner thigh until she met the slick apex of her hips. 

“Oh god. You are so wet.” Nicole growled into Waverly’s neck. 

Waverly moaned, as Nicole’s fingers slowly parted her swollen lips and began a soft caress up and down.

“Nicole.” Waverly choked out. She didn’t say anything else, but the growing strength of her grip on the back of Nicole’s neck spoke volumes.

“I’ve got you.” Nicole resumed lightly kissing her neck.

Waverly whimpered as Nicole’s fingertip pushed her clit hood back and circled the sensitive bud. 

Nicole let her fingers drift there, slowly circling. Slowly circling. Waverly’s hips joined in, and Nicole slowly circled.

“I want you to feel so good.” Nicole said just below her ear. 

The grip on her neck became almost painful, and Waverly let out breath. 

“I want you to feel so hot, so full, so turned on…”

Waverly whined as Nicole said that. “Yes,” she said. “I want you inside me, now.”

Nicole smiled. She pressed her lips against Waverly’s neck, so that when she slowly pushed two fingers into Waverly, Nicole felt as well as heard Waverly cry out. 

She wrapped her arms around Nicole’s shoulders tightly, holding her upper body firmly against Nicole. 

Nicole found a languid rhythm, slowly rocking Waverly’s body up against her. Each thrust earned a soft moan. She wanted to be really present for this, take her time with it. She wanted to feel out every fold and channel inside Waverly’s body. 

This is not a race, she reminded herself, take your time and enjoy it. 

With experience and maturity guiding her, she slowly built up the pace, feeling Waverly molding to her growing rhythm. 

Nicole bathed in every sound coming from Waverly. It drove her on. Every moan, every hitched breath served to fuel the fire growing inside Nicole.

But when she went silent, Nicole felt the tension in Waverly’s body grow into a crushing wave that built up and finally spilled over. 

Waverly cried out as she came. The sound was glorious and almost drove Nicole over the edge, herself. She instinctively rolled her hips down against Waverly’s thigh, and groaned as she rode out Waverly’s orgasm. 

Then Darren started to cry.

Nicole pulled her neck back to look at Waverly.

Her face was scrunched down in frustration. “Maybe he’ll go back to sleep,” she softly huffed out. “I don’t want to leave this bed.” She closed her eyes and pulled Nicole back into her. 

Nicole smiled and leaned up enough to place a soft kiss to her lips. “I can get him.”

“And have you take your fingers out? No way!”

Nicole laughed, until they heard his cry get a little more earnest. “I got this.” She slowly slid her fingers out of Waverly.

She whined at the loss. “Get back soon.”

“Yes ma’am.” Nicole said, and kissed her forehead as she lifted her body up. Walking into her closet, she grabbed a pair of boxers and a t-shirt to throw on. She knew the boxers would be completely ruined in seconds, given how wet she was, but the extra laundry was worth it. 

When she stepped out of the closet, Waverly propped up her torso and said, ”Nicole, what about your hands?” 

Nicole looked down at her one hand, fingers pruned and slick with Waverly. “Don’t worry, I’ll wash them.” She flashed a cocky grin at Waverly on her bed. 

Waverly just flopped back into the pillow behind her and let out another moan.

Standing before the mirror in her bathroom, she could still hear Darren calling out for Waverly. She knew she didn’t have long, but she wanted to take a couple seconds to appreciate where she was. 

Nicole raised her hand to her nose and smelled Waverly on her skin. She let out a goofy grin and did a brief happy dance, wiggling her ass in the privacy of the bathroom. 

“Nicole?” Waverly asked, as Darren’s cries became stronger.

She stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. “Yep, I’m on it.” And then she quickly washed her hands.

 

In Darren’s room, Nicole found him standing in the pack n’ play. He had an indignant glare in his eyes and tears rolled down his cheeks. It was as if he was demanding to know what had taken her so long. 

When Nicole lifted him from the crib, he yelled out, “Nini!” and smacked her chest. 

“Hey now, don’t do that. I’m here,” she cooed, and started to rock him back and forth. This seemed to placate him, and he rested his head against her chest. His little fingers curled into a ball gripping the front of her t-shirt. 

Nicole walked over, sat down on the desk chair, and started to hum a tune. She rocked Darren as far as the seat would allow and made a mental note to get a real rocking chair in the room as soon as she could. As she got comfortable, she closed her eyes and softly sang a Beatles song.

Darren’s grip started to relax, and Nicole felt his body get heavier. When his hand fell away from her shirt entirely, Nicole looked up and saw Waverly standing in the doorway completely naked and watching her.

Her heart stopped. Or more accurately, it raced out of control. 

“It looks like he’s asleep,” Waverly said softly, her grin growing into a wide smile. “Put him to bed and then I want you back in MY bed.”

At the word “my,” Nicole’s heart skipped a beat. She shook her head and uttered, “Yes, ma’am.”

After putting Darren down, Nicole quickly made her way back to bed. Before crawling in, she stripped off the clothes she had put on and slipped in next to Waverly naked. 

Waverly pushed Nicole onto her back and rested her head on Nicole’s shoulder. She drew a lazy circle on Nicole’s chest between her breasts. 

“I want to learn how to touch you, Nicole.” The circle she was drawing became larger, letting her finger drift over Nicole’s nipple. 

Nicole felt her breath catch at the unexpected contact.

Not wanting to be completely undone by Waverly’s finger so easily, Nicole sarcastically said, “Oh- well, there’s this little man in a boat…”

Waverly smacked her chest gently and laughed. “You know what I mean,” she chided.

“I think what I’d want is just a light touch to start.” 

“Like this?” Wavery asked, and she lightly dragged her fingertips down Nicole’s stomach.

Nicole tried to catch her breath long enough to say, “yeah.”

Waverly lifted her head so that her lips were just under Nicole’s ear. “You like it soft?” Her breath whispered across Nicole’s neck, as her fingers skimmed along her pubic hair. 

Now Nicole couldn’t catch her breath at all. She spread her legs open and hoped that was invitation enough.

“My big, tough lesbian wants a soft touch.” Waverly purred.

Fucking hell, who taught her that? Nicole wondered as her body responded effortlessly to Waverly’s words.

“Oh, I can be soft.” Waverly’s finger ran gently along the edge of Nicole’s outer lips. 

“Fuck,” Nicole groaned, as her mind worked to keep track of Waverly’s touch. Nicole spread her legs open as far as they would go. 

“I’ll be so soft.” She dragged her finger up, just barely glancing the skin. “In fact, I am soft. Everything about me is soft.” 

Nicole felt Waverly press her chest a little deeper into her ribs. “My breasts are soft. My hair is soft. My lips are soft,” she said, letting her lips caress Nicole’s neck. “All my lips are soft.” Waverly dipped her finger lightly into the center of Nicole’s labia, just below her clitoris. 

Nicole had lost all capacity to think. All she could do was react to each light touch and every word spoken. She was nearly panting, as she started to rock her hips forward, searching out more contact.

Waverly lightly circled her clit and Nicole almost growled. “It that the little man you were talking about?”

“Wave,” she implored, desperate and longing.

Waverly continued to delicately, gently, circle the outside of her clit. 

“I’m going to touch you so lightly. I’ll be so soft, like a whisper, barely even there.” 

Waverly’s pace was maddening. Nicole arched her back and forced her legs so wide apart, that the tip of her clit stood out, reaching for Waverly.

Waverly’s finger ran around the tip of her clit. “I’ll be so soft…” 

But that’s all Nicole heard before the orgasm crashed through her body. 

When she came back to herself, Nicole turned her head to see Waverly’s reaction.

She wore a sufficiently cocky grin. It told Nicole that Waverly knew exactly what she did to her. 

Waverly kissed her cheek and whispered deviously, “Who knew you were such a softie?” Then she wrapped her body around Nicole’s and hummed into her side.

Nicole closed her eyes and laughed, relaxing into the bed and bringing her arm around Waverly’s shoulder. 

 

 

 

 

 

1993:   
When Nicole woke up that morning, the room was still dark and there was a chill in the air. Nicole pulled the covers up to her chin, but her nose still felt frozen. It was Waverly’s last day. With that thought, an even larger chill grew in Nicole’s stomach. She looked over at the lump hidden under the covers on Waverly’s bed and wondered if she was actually asleep, or just pretending. Normally, she was the first of them to wake up in the morning. 

Brad had yet to knock on their door, so Nicole sat up quietly. The covers fell to her lap, and she looked around the darkened room. The chill wrapped around her. She glanced back over at Waverly’s lump and contemplated waking her up to climb into bed with her. 

She was seriously considering it when she heard Brad at the door. “Girls, time to get up.”

Shit, too late, she thought. 

Waverly groaned and rolled onto her back. 

“Hey, you up?” asked Brad. He opened the door and popped his head inside.

Nicole waved at him and he closed the door as he left. Nicole looked over at Waverly; her head was exposed on her pillow, but her eyes were still closed. 

“Waves?” whispered Nicole. 

She grunted.

“Can I snuggle for a minute? I’m cold,” she said.

Waverly sighed and nodded her head. 

Nicole stood up between the two beds. She waited for Waverly to raise her covers to invite Nicole into her bed. Nicole stood there silently for a few seconds, wondering if Waverly had fallen back to sleep, when the covers lifted for her. 

Nicole slipped under the blanket, but she didn’t cuddle into Waverly. Instead, she lay down in the bed next to her, her arm lightly pressed against Waverly’s. 

“How are you doing this morning?” Nicole broke the silence. She was staring up at the ceiling.

“I couldn’t sleep at all last night,” Waverly said in a grumbly voice. She rolled over and leaned into Nicole’s side. “I wanted to sleep with you again, but I couldn’t.” Her voice drifted off. 

“I know,” Nicole said after a lengthy pregnant pause. She felt Waverly adjust and snuggle in just a little bit closer. “Is it ok if I put my arm under your head?” Nicole asked quietly. Waverly raised her head from the pillow, and Nicole wrapped her arm around Waverly’s shoulders. She felt Waverly’s hand slowly creep from her side to her stomach. With every micro adjustment, Waverly’s hand settled more securely around Nicole’s middle. 

“I wish it wasn’t morning.” Waverly spoke into Nicole’s shoulder. “I don’t think I’m ready for today.”

“I know what you mean. I can’t believe you’re actually leaving.” Nicole closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on the feeling of Waverly holding her. How could something that made her feel so good, also make her feel so terrible. She never wanted this moment to end, but she knew that all too soon, Brad would come knocking on their door again to check that they were getting dressed. 

Nicole hugged Waverly to her a little tighter.

“Will you miss me?” Waverly’s question startled Nicole. 

“Huh?” 

“When I leave, will you miss me?” Waverly asked again.

“Of course,” Nicole answered. More than you know, she thought. “Can I give you my phone number? I mean, if you want, maybe you could call me… Let me know how you are in Colorado.” 

“I’d like that.”

“Do you know what your number will be when you get there?” Nicole asked hopefully.

“No.” It sounded like she was choking on the word. Nicole felt Waverly grip her stomach a little tighter. “I don’t know anything. I don’t know when they’re coming to get me. I don’t know when we’re leaving for Colorado. I don’t know if I’ll get to see Wynonna before I go.” The pitch of Waverly’s voice was rising with every statement. “I don’t know where I’ll be living. I don’t know if I’ll have my own room. I don’t know if they have pets. I don’t know if they’re strict, or if they’ll give two fucks about me. I’m going to be all alone out there…” She buried her face in Nicole’s shoulder, and she could feel every hot breath Waverly let out through her pajama top. “I’m so scared.”

Nicole felt Waverly vibrating. Her whole tiny body was shaking. Nicole brought her free hand up and cupped the back of Waverly’s head, running her fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her. 

Nicole wanted to tell her it was going to be ok, but she couldn’t. It didn’t feel like the truth, so the comforting words wouldn’t leave her throat. She held Waverly for another minute, praying that Brad would let them have that moment. 

When she felt like she had pressed her luck far enough, Nicole gave Waverly a quick, extra tight hug to indicate that she was getting up. She pulled herself out from under Waverly and stood up between the two beds. She looked around the room and tried to imagine what it would look like that evening. Would she have another roommate? Or would the whole room be hers?

Nicole’s eyes traced over the cinder block wall and hit upon her drawing of the blue butterfly. She walked over and took it down from the wall. At her desk, Nicole grabbed her pen, and wrote her name, number, and address on the back of the drawing. 

She looked down at Waverly in her bed. She was watching Nicole intently. “Here, you should keep this drawing, and now you’ll have my number. Call me when you get settled and let me know what your number is. That way we can keep in touch.” Nicole walked over to Waverly’s bed and handed the drawing off to her. 

Waverly took the piece of paper and studied the drawing before flipping it over to read the back. “Nicole Haught.” She said it out loud, as if trying on the name. “Thank god Wynonna didn’t know your last name, or she would’ve had a field day with it.”

“I know, that’s what she told me.”

Waverly looked up at Nicole in surprise. 

“I gave her my information, too. And that’s exactly what she said.” Nicole smiled down at Waverly.

“She asked for your phone number?” 

“Actually, I think I just gave it to her. She was worried about leaving you here alone.”

“Of course she was,” Waverly said with a tiny smile, shaking her head. 

“I hope you get to see her before you leave. You should ask your aunt and uncle if you can.” 

“I hardly know them, Nicole. What if they’re not friendly? What if they don’t care?” Waverly’s smile fell away as she closed her eyes.

Nicole sat down on the bed next to Waverly. “Hey, I’m not saying it will be ok, but…” Nicole paused and looked down at the floor. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I wish I could say it’s going to be ok. I want it to be ok for you.” She looked back at Waverly, whose big, dark eyes were seeking any measure of comfort from Nicole. “I just want you to be happy, Waverly. You deserve to be happy.” 

A faint smile crept out across Waverly’s features. It was her first real smile that day. Nicole returned it with a warm grin, and Waverly sat up and placed a soft kiss to her cheek. “I’m going to miss you, too, Nicole.” She lay back in her bed, resting against her pillow.

Nicole sat frozen on the bed, staring at Waverly as Brad knocked on the door again. 

 

They quickly got dressed after Brad’s second warning and left their room to get breakfast. Nicole nearly ran into Susan, who was waiting outside their door. 

“Nicole, I need you to go put on a dress.” She gestured back at her room. “I heard you didn’t wear one yesterday.” Susan crossed her arms over her chest. 

Nicole’s eyes went wide as she remembered Rosita’s challenge. She had to tell Susan no. But that no died on her lips. Susan was almost as tall as Nicole and her icy blue eyes nearly leveled her, slicing through the few feet of space between them. 

Nicole shook her head slightly. She could feel Waverly at her side. She wanted to be brave in that moment, but she had given all her strength to cheer up Waverly, she didn’t have the reserves left to deal with Susan. Her hands started to tremble as she fought to bring words to her lips. 

“It’s dirty,” fell from her mouth. 

“Then I want you to put it in the laundry right now and I’ll send staff over to collect it.” Susan ordered her. “And I thought Waverly was teaching you to put on makeup. Aren’t you going to wear makeup today?” 

Nicole just stared at Susan. She couldn’t respond. Instead, she spun on her heels and walked back into her room. She pretended to look over her laundry pile, trying to sort out how to handle Susan. 

There was no way she was wearing a dress. And yet saying that to Susan felt equally impossible. She felt her chest crush in between the rock and her current hard place. She needed an out, an escape hatch. Nicole’s mind rushed through her options, and the only thing that came to mind was Randy. He’d be on duty that day. Maybe she could talk to Randy instead of Susan.

Nicole pushed past Susan as she left her room. 

“Is your dress ready for the laundry?” Susan called from behind her.

“I need to talk to Randy,” she said to no one in particular, then left the wing. She found Randy sitting at a desk in the staff room. He looked up at her when she stopped in the doorway.

“Can I talk to you?” Nicole asked. Her heart was racing, and her hands were still shaking from her encounter with Susan. She shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other.

“Alright then.” Randy’s deep voice cut through the tension. He stood up slowly and closed the journal he was reading. “Where do you want to talk?” he asked. He turned his full attention on Nicole and raised his mustache on one side in a grin. His eyes flashed in a warm smile that was clearly meant to calm Nicole. 

“I don’t know. Where can we talk in private?” Nicole asked.

“Well, I could open up one of the CDRs. We could talk in there. That would be private.”

Nicole wasn’t sure she wanted to go into the CDR, but she really wanted a place where they wouldn’t be interrupted, not even by Waverly. “Ok.”

She followed Randy, who took the heavy key chain from his pocket. When they approached the two side by side doors of the CDRs, Randy unlocked the first room and held the door open for Nicole. 

As she stepped inside, Nicole looked around the room. The white walls were padded and there was a thicker carpeting on the floor. The ceiling was lower than the rest of the unit and the only lighting was a tiny window in the back wall that was made of glass block. Other than the window that was about six feet off the ground, there were no other features or furniture in the room. Randy closed the door and turned to Nicole. 

“What’s up?” His voice rumbled out. 

“I can’t wear any more dresses,” she stated flatly. She waited for his response, but he didn’t give her one. Instead, he watched her without expression. So, Nicole pressed on, “I talked to Rosita yesterday and she told me I didn’t have to wear any more dresses if I didn’t want.”

“Is that what she said?” he asked. 

His question led Nicole to wonder if Rosita told Randy about the true nature of their conversation. 

“Well, she told me I had to tell Susan that I don’t want to wear anymore dresses. But I don’t know if I can.” 

His mustache twitched slightly, and Nicole wasn’t sure if that was meant to be a smile. “Why are you afraid to talk to her?”

“Have you talked to her?” Nicole shot back without thinking. Her eyes flew open, surprised by her own boldness. 

Randy’s smile was clear that time. He averted his eyes and chuckled silently, then cleared his throat and looked back up at Nicole. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Randy’s small break in decorum left Nicole feeling significantly more validated. She knew she made the right choice in asking to talk to him. 

“She scares me. I always feel like she’s judging me, that I don’t measure up to her expectations. And the only time she’s happy with me is when I feel miserable. Like when I’m wearing dresses and skirts.”

“What’s wrong with dresses?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Nicole swallowed, “but they’re not right for me.”

“Ok.” Randy nodded his head, agreeing with her.

“Ok?” Nicole asked. That was easy.

“Ok. So how are you going to say that to Susan.”

WHAT, Nicole screamed inside her head.

“Rosita gave you an assignment to tell Susan that you don’t want to participate in the gender therapy anymore. So, how are you going to do that?”

Nicole’s mouth fell open. It was like he was expecting to have this conversation the whole time. Fuck.

“You can’t run away from your problems, Nicole. You have to face them head on.” His mustache twitched again. 

Instead of immediately responding to his question, Nicole strode back and forth along the brick wall of the CDR. How was she going to confront Susan? The question paced across her brain just as she did in the small room. 

“If I were Susan, what would you want to tell me?” Randy asked. 

When Nicole reached the far wall, she stopped and stood facing the padding. It looked like it was quilted onto the concrete wall, and briefly Nicole wondered how they did that. She imagined a tremendous, steel sewing needle crashing through the cinder block. The image made her smile.

“Nicole?” 

She let out a deep sigh and turned to face Randy. His eyes were kind; he was waiting patiently for her to answer.

“I don’t want to do it anymore. I want the gender therapy to stop. It isn’t helping me. In fact, it makes me miserable. I feel so much worse when I have to pretend to be something I’m not. It’s like I’m being forced to lie about who I am, and I can’t stand that.” As the flood gate slowly opened, Nicole looked down at the floor and made a decision to just let it all go. 

“When I wear a dress, I feel like I’m literally choking on it. I can’t breathe. I can’t think about anything else.” She began pacing again. “It’s like I lose myself, I’m not me anymore. I can’t do that. I can’t pretend it’s ok. It’s not. It’s awful. And the therapy is totally wrong. You can’t fix me by putting me in a dress. That’s not what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed because I’m not wearing enough dresses; I’m depressed because everyone thinks it’s ok to make me feel bad about not wanting to. This isn’t something that’s wrong with me. It’s just who I am.” 

Nicole was half panting, waiting for Randy’s response. He stood there silently watching her. Then he nodded his head. 

“I’m really impressed, Nicole.” His sentence was simple and soft. His deep voice felt like a hug, not an accusation. “That was very brave of you, to say all that,” he continued. “Thank you for telling me.”

Nicole was dumbfounded again. Was he praising her? 

“I’m going to go get Susan, and I want you to say exactly that to her.” He turned from Nicole and walked out of the room, leaving Nicole alone in the CDR. 

Her heart-rate, already elevated from her burst of honesty, skyrocketed as she waited for Susan to appear. She could feel every pulse pound out through all of her extremities. Her chest became a bass drum vibrating through her chest. 

She stared at the door, willing Susan never to show up. She sent up a tiny prayer that this wasn’t about to actually happen. Then the light from the hallway outside the CDR was broken as Susan stepped into the doorway. 

She looked Nicole over before stepping into the room. Randy followed behind her. 

The three of them stood silently, each waiting for the other to start. Nicole couldn’t pull her eyes from Susan. This was it. All she had to do was say some words. She could do that. They were just words. 

Nicole studied how Susan’s brown hair ended in a soft curl at her shoulders. Suddenly, Nicole wondered how she celebrated Christmas. Or if she even celebrated it. Maybe she was Jewish. Or atheist. Her blue eyes watched Nicole closely. She wondered if Susan was married and if her husband thought those eyes were beautiful, or cold like Nicole. 

“Randy told me you have something to say to me.” Susan interrupted Nicole’s train of thought. 

They were just words, Nicole thought. All she had to do was say them. But the words got stuck. They were trapped in her throat and wouldn’t budge. Nicole felt her body tighten in response to the stress. Just say the words.

Randy cleared his throat, and Nicole looked him in the eyes. He gave her a small nod and soft smile. His eyes actually twinkled. Like fucking Santa Claus. 

Nicole kept her eyes on Randy as she spoke to Susan. “I can’t do the gender therapy anymore.” The words were out.

“I don’t understand. I thought you wanted to feel better,” said Susan.

“But it doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel terrible. Why is that so hard for you to see? I’m not happier wearing a dress; I’m miserable. This isn’t working.”

“Maybe you just need to give it an honest try.”

“You keep telling me I need to be honest, that I need to be completely honest. Well, this is me being honest. I can’t do it. It’s killing me to wear that stuff, and I’m done.” Nicole felt her hands vibrating. The adrenaline coursing through her body had her on edge, ready to jump or run. 

Susan just stared at her. Her look was unreadable. The silence between them grew out of proportion, taking on a weight and significance. Nicole suddenly felt like a convict, waiting for the judge to hand down her sentence. 

“I need you to tell this to Dr. Lucado at your family meeting this afternoon. She’s the one who makes the treatment plans, so she’s the one who would have to approve this change,” Susan replied, and then walked out of the CDR. 

Susan was acting like Nicole declared that she no longer liked green beans and was refusing to eat them, like this was no big deal. Like this wasn’t the center of Nicole’s universe at that moment. Nicole frowned at the ease with which Susan accepted her statement.

Randy stayed behind in the CDR and watched Nicole. 

She did it. She said the words. And Susan barely reacted to them. The absurdity of that hit her square in the face. I did it, Nicole thought as an involuntary smile crept out. She told Susan how she really felt about the dresses; she said no to the gender therapy, and it was ok. Susan didn’t yell at her. She hardly said anything. 

In fact, what did she say? Nicole internally asked herself. Tell Dr. Lucado. Of course, that makes sense. Tell Dr. Lucado during her family meeting today. Then a cold chill ran through her body and the smile disappeared.

Wait a minute, Nicole panicked. That meant telling her parents, too. Susan wanted her to tell Dr. Lucado, and her parents, that she was refusing the gender therapy. That meant confronting her parents. Today.

Crap.

Nicole numbly walked past Randy and made her way back to their bedroom. She needed some space from Randy or Susan. She needed to see Waverly. 

When she walked onto the wing, Waverly was sitting on one of the couches. She met Nicole’s eyes immediately, and as if communicated by telepathy, she got up and followed Nicole into their room. 

“What’s going on?” Waverly asked. 

When Nicole turned around to face her, all traces of the concern for her own fate were gone from Waverly’s face. Instead, she was one hundred percent focused on Nicole. And she looked way more worried about Nicole than she did about herself. 

Waverly took a step closer to Nicole, and she felt a completely new sensation rise up within her. But this feeling was warm and welcoming. With each step that Waverly took closer to her, it was as if her body was responding to some gravitational pull that she exerted on Nicole. 

And Nicole was helpless to resist it. Who was she to argue with physics? 

Waverly stepped up to Nicole and wrapped her arms around Nicole’s neck, pulling her down into a hug.

For a moment, Nicole disappeared into that fierce embrace. Waverly was strong, Nicole knew that much. She was no idiot. She’d seen her arms. But with that hug, it seemed like Waverly was trying to squeeze the anxiety out of her. And it was working. Sort of.

“What’s going on?” Waverly whispered it into her ear. 

Nicole closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. “I just told Susan that I don’t want to do the gender therapy anymore.”

“Holy crap. How’d she take it?” Waverly squeezed her impossibly closer.

“Ok,” Nicole paused, “She didn’t say anything really. She told me I had to tell my parents, though. And Dr. Lucado.”

Waverly released her and stepped back, but she kept her hands on Nicole’s arms. “Are you ok with that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you going to do it?”

“I don’t know.” Nicole shook her head. “But I don’t think I have a choice now.”

“Of course you have a choice,” Waverly said adamantly. “In fact, she should be the one to tell Dr. Lucado.” Waverly gripped Nicole’s arms tightly. Her face scrunched down in anger. “Who does she think she is, forcing you to talk to you parents before you’re ready.” Waverly let go of Nicole and started to pace back and forth quickly. “She is such a controlling bitch. She did the exact same thing to Wynonna. It pisses me off so much.” Waverly’s hands were clenched. “I just want to yell at her to mind her own damn business.” Waverly tightened her jaw, and Nicole could see the muscles on the side of her face pop. 

Waverly was ready to take on Susan for her.

Nicole smiled and grabbed Waverly’s shoulder, stopping her mid-pace, and pulled her back into a hug. The fact that Waverly would fight for her, just like she did for Wynonna, completely melted through her. She felt a new surge of strength welling up within her. It was a strength that gave her the confidence to confront Dr. Lucado, and her parents. It was the strength to be honest about who she was and what she wanted. It was a validation, a vindication. And it was because of Waverly, but it also wasn’t. It was about her truth. 

It was her truth.

And it made Nicole powerful. 

 

When Waverly finally pulled back from the hug, she looked up at Nicole. “What?”

Nicole shook her head, but she kept smiling. The confidence she felt seemed to grow and expand, pushing out the fear. She didn’t realize just how big that fear had become, how weighty it was, but as her new found confidence pushed it back, Nicole felt a lightness she hadn’t in a long time, and only ever when playing soccer. She never really felt that way off the pitch, and it was a revelation that she could feel that anywhere.

Waverly gave that to her, with her confidence in Nicole. Nicole smiled at her. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Waverly asked.

“For being willing to fight for me.”

A small laugh bubbled out of her. “I’d do a lot of things to you.” Waverly shrugged as she responded absently.

Nicole frowned. “For me.” She corrected Waverly.

Waverly’s head shot up as she looked at Nicole in panic. “Yeah.”

Nicole’s frown quirked up on one side. 

Waverly cleared her throat. “So, they told me that my aunt and uncle are coming to get me around lunch time. I’m supposed to start packing.” She looked around the bedroom. “Do you want to help me?”

Nicole’s smirk turned into a full smile. “Of course.” 

 

They piled all of Waverly’s things on top of her bed. There wasn’t much there. It would easily fit within one large bag. 

“Is that everything you’re taking with you to Colorado?” Nicole asked, looking over the small pile of clothes and books.

“I have more stuff at the house, but I guess a lot of that stuff is going to be sold off or moved into storage. I’m guessing they’ll ship my stuff out, too. But I don’t really know what’s going to happen to it all.” Waverly took an exasperated breath. “I don’t know anything that’s happening. It’s like they’re afraid to tell me. I hate that.”

“Yeah. I get that. They should at least tell you what’s going to happen with your stuff.” Nicole pointed down at the clothes pile. “I mean, eventually, you’re going to need summer clothes.”

“Right! I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I can’t plan for anything.” 

“Well, plan on calling me when you get there. Ok?” Nicole nudged Waverly’s shoulder with her arm.

Waverly nodded. Then her brow furrowed. “But how will I know when you get out of here?”

Nicole bit her bottom lip. “I don’t know, give me a week or so, I guess. I’m sure I’ll be out of here by then.” Then under her breath, Nicole muttered, “If not sooner.”

There was a knock on their door, and Randy poked his head in. “Waverly, are you ready for your duffle bag?” He held up a large black bag.

Waverly didn’t look at him, but she nodded her head. “Yeah. I think so.”

He stepped into the room, and Nicole took the bag from Randy. He gave her a probing look.

“Everything ok in here?” he asked. His voice was deep, but soft. He twitched his mustache.

Nicole pressed her lips together in a flat smile. “Yeah.”

Randy nodded and walked out of the room, leaving the door open.

Nicole took the bag over to the bed and started placing Waverly’s clothes inside. 

“You don’t need to do that.” Waverly said. Her eyes were still down cast.

“It’s ok. You take your time. I got this.”

Waverly didn’t say anything in response, but she sat down on Nicole’s bed and watched as Nicole packed her bag. 

Nicole was careful to place the clothes neatly in the bag. She tucked the make-up kit into the corner of the bag. 

“Normally, I want to be the one packing everything. It’s kinda my thing.” Waverly looked back down at the floor. “I feel like I’m in control. I decide what goes, what doesn’t.” She paused. “Wynonna hates packing. If she even packs at all, it’s always at the last minute and she forgets half her stuff.” Waverly giggled lightly. “I usually pack for her, too. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.”

Nicole looked up from the bag. “Does she get mad at you for packing for her?” 

“No. Actually, it’s the opposite. She pretty grateful.” Waverly looked up at Nicole, then quickly down at her hands. “At least I think she is. She doesn’t complain.”

“Is it hard having Wynonna as a sister?” Nicole stood up, stretching out her back.

“No. Not really.” Waverly pulled on her finger. “I mean, sometimes, like when she’s getting in trouble. But other times…” Waverly stopped. She seemed to be considering her words. “Her kind of crazy fits with me. Everyone thinks she’s so wild, but I ground her and she lifts me up.”

“That and she’s fiercely protective of you,” Nicole added.

Waverly giggled again. “Yeah. That too.” She took in and let out a deep breath. “I’m really going to miss her, until she joins me out there. It’s like I’m going to be traveling unarmed.”

Nicole smiled at Waverly. Then she bent over to place more stuff in Waverly’s bag. 

“Here, let me help. I feel bad, just sitting here watching you.” Waverly jumped off the bed. She walked around the bed and lightly hip checked Nicole to move her out of the way. 

Nicole held up her hands and stepped back. “It’s all yours.” 

Waverly finished packing quickly. After all of her clothes and books were placed in the duffle, Waverly took the drawing of the blue butterfly and folded it into quarters. She tucked it into her journal, then put it into the side pocket of the duffle. 

“All done,” Waverly declared. She grabbed Mr. Plumpkins and carried the bag out of the room. 

Nicole followed behind her, not wanting to sit in the half empty room.

 

Randy was on their wing, and he looked like he was waiting for them to finish packing. He rose from the couch when Waverly walked out of the bedroom. 

“I’ll take the bag for safe keeping.” He lifted the duffle from Waverly’s shoulder. “I’ll keep it locked up in the staff room until your family gets here.” He took the teddy bear and turned to start walking off the wing, then looked back over his shoulder at Waverly. “We’ll be starting lunch soon. You should really try to eat something before you go.” 

Nicole looked down at Waverly. “What was that about?” 

Waverly watched Randy as he walked off the wing with her bag. “I told Susan that I didn’t feel like eating breakfast.”

Nicole put her hand on Waverly’s shoulder. “How are you feeling now?” 

Just then, another staff member raised his voice. “No touching. Hands to yourself, Nicole.” 

Nicole rolled her eyes, but she took her hand off of Waverly’s shoulder. “You want to go find Jeremy and X?” she suggested.

Waverly nodded and followed Nicole onto the B wing. 

 

Susan was sitting in the middle of the common area. She was talking to Ben, and they both looked up as Nicole and Waverly entered the room. Susan’s eyes followed Nicole as she walked over to Jeremy’s room. His door was half open, but she still knocked on the door. He was sitting at his desk, working on something. 

“Hey Jeremy. You want to join Waverly and me for lunch?” Nicole asked. From her peripheral vision, she saw Waverly sit down on one of the couches across from Susan. 

“Hi Nicole,” Jeremy greeted her and pulled her attention back on him. “Let me finish this up first.”

“Are you working on your journal?” Nicole asked him. 

“Oh god, no.” He frowned at Nicole. “I’m working on the bio project I started with Waverly.”

Nicole smiled at him. Of course. “That makes more sense,” she chuckled. 

Jeremy gave her a sheepish grin and shrugged his shoulders.

“We’ll be out here when you’re done.” Nicole pointed behind her.

“Cool.”

Nicole turned from Jeremy’s room and walked over to X’s. He wasn’t in his room, nor out on the unit anywhere. She looked around herself, a little panicked. He wasn’t gone already, was he? He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye? 

Nicole walked over to face Susan. When there was a break in her conversation with Ben, Nicole jumped in. “Do you know where X is?”

“He’s showering.” Her response was curt and her eyes were sharp.

Nicole let out a breath. At least she didn’t miss him. She ignored Susan and sat down next to Waverly. 

Randy walked onto the unit. He cleared his throat and announced, “Waverly, your family is here.”

Simultaneously, both Nicole’s and Waverly’s eyes went wide. 

Shit! No. It’s too early. Not yet. These thoughts raced through Nicole’s mind in a cold panic. From the look on Waverly’s face, she was thinking the same thing. “What about lunch?” Nicole blurted out at Randy. “She hasn’t eaten yet.”

“I’m not hungry,” Waverly said softly. 

Nicole turned her look to Waverly and pleaded with her eyes, willing Waverly to become magically hungry and need more time with her.

“I’m sorry.” Waverly added. She rose from the couch. 

Waverly walked out of the wing, and Nicole followed behind her.

In the hallway by the staff room, a short woman with salt and pepper hair was talking with Randy. She had a firm look on her face and heavy bags under her eyes. She rocked her weight from one hip to the other. When she looked over from Randy to see Waverly tentatively walking toward her, a frown-like smile broke out. She held out her arms. 

“Waverly. My god, you’ve changed since the last time I saw you.” 

Waverly gave the woman a half-hearted hug. “Aunt Gus?” she asked.

“That’s right. You look like you’re practically a woman now. Last time I was out here, you were about as tall as my knee.”

Waverly let out a soft laugh that died off quickly. She looked around the hallway. “Where is Uncle Curtis?”

“He’s back at the house, helping get things organized to move.”

“Are you moving our things to Colorado?” Waverly quickly asked. It sounded like she was hoping to finally get some answers to her questions. 

“We can talk about that later.”

Waverly nodded and looked down at the floor. 

So this was Waverly’s future. This woman. To Nicole, it felt like she knew Aunt Gus about as well as Waverly did. She couldn’t imagine having to go off with this person to live with them. It was like agreeing to step off the edge of the planet and walk into space.

Nicole quickly thought back to what X had said about having to move into a new foster home. He would know what this felt like. 

In fact, where was X? He needed to be here. He had to say goodbye, too. 

Aunt Gus cut into the silence that was growing to fill the hallway. “Randy here told me you’re already packed up. That’s great. We have a lot to do back at the house, before we fly back to Colorado.” 

“Will I get to see Wynonna before I leave?” Waverly blurted out.

Aunt Gus turned her attention to Randy and spoke to him as if he was the one who asked the question. “Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not sure we’ll have time.”

Waverly swallowed hard, as if physically pushing down the argument that was bubbling its way up. She remained silent. 

“Well,” Randy stepped in, “if you’re ready to go. We’re all set on our end.” He held out his hand to Waverly. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Waverly. You take care of yourself, and remember to take a deep breath when you feel that anger growing inside you.”

Waverly nodded dumbly. 

“Waves.” Nicole said softly. Waverly didn’t turn to look at her. 

This wasn’t at all how she imagined their goodbye would go. She thought they would be in their bedroom, that they would have a little privacy. She wanted to tell Waverly what their kiss meant to her, what their cuddles meant, what the make-overs meant, what everything meant. 

But Randy was watching them. So was Aunt Gus. 

Randy cleared his throat. 

Their time together was disappearing. Should she ask Waverly to call her again? Insist on it? Nicole’s eyes flickered over to Aunt Gus. She was watching them closely. Nicole felt her cheeks grow warm, then overheated. The woman looked serious, like she was a take-no-shit kind of person. 

Nicole pulled Waverly into a hug. The angle was awkward as Waverly leaned her shoulder into Nicole’s stomach. Waverly really didn’t have a chance to hug her back. And then she was shouldering her duffle bag and following her aunt off the unit. Randy unlocked the door for them, it slammed quickly shut with a heavy locking noise, and Waverly was gone.

It was too quick. Waverly didn’t say goodbye. And where was X? 

Nicole stared at the closed door of the unit; she was frozen within her head.

Randy put a warm hand on her shoulder. “You ok?”

Nicole nodded just as Waverly had. 

“Why don’t you rejoin the unit?” he said in a deep, rough voice. His tone made it clear that this wasn’t a choice. Nicole’s feet turned her around and walked themselves onto the B wing. Jeremy was just walking out of his room.

“What’s wrong?” He stopped in front of Nicole. 

Nicole just kept walking. She circled the room once. At the start of her second loop around the couches, Jeremy tried to stop her.

“Nicole. What’s going on?” he asked more urgently. 

Nicole shook her head. There wasn’t a single word in her head. 

“Where’s Waverly?” he asked.

The name broke her. It stabbed her in the lungs, and bled her out. 

She started to cough. It wasn’t really a cry; it was choking. 

Susan spoke from the couch. “Waverly just left.”

Hearing that woman’s voice made it worse, and better. It made Nicole angry. She sniffed and wiped her nose, then stormed back to the A wing. She could hear Jeremy behind her.

“I hate her,” she muttered under her breath. 

“Excuse me?” Jeremy asked, walking closely behind her.

Nicole stopped and turned to Jeremy. “I hate her,” she repeated. “I hate her guts. She can see I’m upset and yet she does nothing. I mean, where the hell am I? I’m in a fucking psychiatric hospital. She’s supposed to know how to handle this, right?” Her fists were clenched.

“Nicole, watch your language.” A staff member called out across the room. “Do you need to take a time out?”

Suddenly, a time out sounded awesome. She stormed back out of the wing and flopped down onto the timeout bench. 

Again, Jeremy followed her. 

“What’s going on?” he whispered in a harsh, breathy voice. He stood off to the side. Randy walked over to them.

“Nicole? Do you need to talk again?” he asked.

She shook her head. 

Then Randy turned to Jeremy. “If she’s in time out, then you need to give her some space.”

Reluctantly, Jeremy walked back onto his wing. 

 

When she had calmed down a bit, Nicole walked back onto the B wing to find Jeremy and X sitting together on the floor, playing spit. 

When she entered the wing, X looked up from the card game and met her eyes. 

“SPIT!” yelled Jeremy, then followed X’s gaze to find Nicole standing behind him. “Oh, sorry.” 

Nicole sat down next to the card game. “Can I join you?” 

“Of course.” X said, not taking his eyes from Nicole. “I hear Waverly left.”

Nicole nodded, staring at the cards on the floor. 

“I wish I could have said goodbye. Why didn’t she come and get me?” he asked.

“We did. You were in the bathroom, then it happened so quickly. There wasn’t time to get you.”

X kept his eyes trained on Nicole. “Well, I’m going to insist that we say goodbye,” he said in his calming voice. 

Nicole looked up at him. His deep eyes were so warm. “Will you call me when you get out?” Nicole asked.

“You bet.” He grinned at her. 

“Can I give you my number?” she asked.

“Sure, let me get my journal.” X popped up and jogged into his room. He walked out a couple seconds later, carrying his journal. “Here,” he tore a page from the back, “write down your number on this, and I’ll give you Mary’s number. I assume I’ll be there for a little while at least.”

Nicole took the pen from X and scribbled her phone number and address on the torn sheet. X handed her another piece of paper with his information on it. 

“Do you want my number, too?” Jeremy asked.

Nicole and X both responded at the same time with a quick: “yeah” and “sure,” as if both were trying to cover up the fact that neither thought to ask for Jeremy’s information. They handed their pieces of paper over to Jeremy.

“So, we promise to stay in touch?” Nicole asked again. This time she directed her question to both Jeremy and X.

“Yeah.” Jeremy replied. “Whenever I get out of here.”

X let Jeremy finish before he responded. “You better keep in touch with me, girly.” He pointed a long finger at Nicole. 

“I promise.” The words grounded Nicole. It felt like everything was up in the air for Waverly, but with X, she felt very secure. She had no doubt that X would keep in touch with her. 

“You better.” X reinforced with a grin. 

“Thanks.” Nicole picked up the cards and started to shuffle them. “I actually believe that you’re going to call me.” 

“What does that mean?” Jeremy asked. 

“I don’t know if Waverly will.” Nicole tried to swallow down her worry, but X looked at her with piercing eyes. “It seemed like she didn’t want to.”

“I’m sure she wants to.” X said, frowning a little. “But when switching houses, it takes some time to get settled and figure out what the new system is.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

Nicole looked up at X. “How many times have you switched houses?”

“I’ve lost count,” he said quickly.

“What’s that like?” Nicole pressed on.

“Since I got into high school, I’ve tried to look at it like an adventure. But it used to scare me. Everything changes. It’s like being asked to live on quick sand.”

“Does it help to think of it as an adventure?” Jeremy asked.

“No.” X flashed a wide smile. “That’s why I’m here.”

Nicole couldn’t help it, but she started to laugh. X joined her.

After lunch, Dr. Lucado picked up Nicole from the dining room. Her parents were waiting for her in Lucado’s office. She was nervous, but ready to get it over with. In a way, Susan’s non-reaction made it easier to face Dr. Lucado and her parents. She followed behind Dr. Lucado. The psychiatrist’s high heels clicked along the tile floor. They passed by the front door on the way to her office, and Nicole stole a quick glance out at the front walkway leading into the hospital. She thought about the first time she entered that door, with her mom and the duffle bag, feeling like this was the end of the world. 

Then she thought about the last time she walked out the door, with Waverly and X on their way to the movie. She wished she could see a last trailing glimpse of Waverly from when she left earlier, as if her presence walking through the door would leave a trail like an airplane in the sky. 

She wanted to walk out that door, too. With X leaving at some point that day, and Waverly already gone, there wasn’t much left for her at the hospital. 

Nicole decided that she would ask Lucado if it was time for her to leave, too. She was ready to go, and couldn’t imagine staying without her friends. Nicole turned her attention back on Dr. Lucado. Her hips swayed slightly in the tight skirt. Nicole was sure she intended it to be attractive, but to Nicole it looked stern or forbidding. Maybe that was Lucado’s actual intent. To push people away. Nicole wondered about the psychology of the psychiatrist. 

When she reached her office door, Lucado turned the handle sharply and held it open for Nicole to walk in before her. 

As Nicole stepped into the room, her mom and dad were sitting together on the couch. They looked up at her expectantly as she walked in. Her mom rose and gave her a quick hug. Then she leaned back to smile at Nicole, looking her up and down. She felt herself blush under the examination, and Nicole wondered if she was trying to spot any difference in her.

Her dad rose next, waiting his turn to acknowledge his daughter. He towered over Nicole with his tall, lanky body. Nicole looked just like him except that his expression was hard, almost formal. Nicole tried to smile at him, but it turned into more of a wince, when he didn’t return the gesture. Avoiding his eyes, Nicole looked around the room for a place to sit. The last time they had a family meeting all three of them were squished together on the couch, with Nicole holding the god-awful dress in her lap. 

There was a single chair next to Dr. Lucado’s desk. Last time, Nicole thought that was where she was going to sit. Instead, she propped herself on the edge of her desk. 

Nicole decided to take the chair in order to give herself some space for the conversation she knew was coming. 

After she sat down, her mom smiled over at her while Lucado walked around her desk. “Hi Sweetheart,” her mom said quietly, as if Lucado wouldn’t notice her greeting. “How are you feeling today?”

“Fine.” Nicole’s reply was quick. A little too quick. The hurt look on her mom’s face stung Nicole a little, but she knew she didn’t want to get into anything until everyone was settled and they were ready to begin officially. What she was going to say needed the gravitas of formality. 

Lucado cleared her throat from behind her desk, bringing the family meeting to session. “Now Nicole, you’ve been with us for a little over a week and I want to use this time to talk about how you feel your time here is going. I can see that you’ve already made level 3, which is fantastic. I must admit, that is pretty remarkable. You must have demonstrated some real honesty and hard work to accomplish that in such a short amount of time.”

Nicole didn’t look up at Lucado. She was trying to figure out how to use this to bring up her requests.

Then her mom cut in, “Our Nicole has always been a hard worker.” 

Nicole looked up at her mom in time to see her pat her father’s thigh lightly. 

Was she complimenting me? Nicole wondered. She wasn’t used to hearing compliments from her mom. She was used to the criticisms: why don’t you do this, why don’t you try that, why don’t you wear this… You could be so beautiful, if only…

Nicole seized the moment and spoke up. “Actually, I have a couple things I want to talk about first.” She held her breath to see how the adults would react. 

Dr. Lucado gave her head an exaggerated nod. “Alright, Nicole. That’s fine. What would you like to talk about?”

Suddenly Nicole wasn’t as sure of herself. Should she stand for this? This felt like something one stands up to say. She scooted to the edge of the chair and sat up a little taller. She could do this. She already told Randy and Susan. She could tell them too. They were just more people. 

She looked down at her hands to begin.

“I think I want to leave.” She didn’t look up. She waited briefly to hear if there were any reactions from her parents. “I don’t know how much I’m getting out of this place.”

“Nicole,” Dr. Lucado cut in, “one week really isn’t enough time to allow the therapy to work. Most children are here for at least a couple weeks, if not three.”

Nicole glanced up at her parents. Her mom looked worried; her father was impassive. “I don’t think the therapy is working for me.”

“What do you mean?” asked her mom.

“The gender therapy, it isn’t working for me.”

Again, Dr. Lucado stepped in, “Nicole, this treatment isn’t something that works or doesn’t work over night. It’s more of a process of small changes that lead to bigger changes.”

“But I don’t want to change.”

“Nicole,” her father started, his voice was a quiet thunder. She knew if he got started, she wouldn’t be able to stick to her guns. 

“No, you listen. I don’t want to change. I’m not sick.”

“Of course, you aren’t sick, sweetie.” Her mom tried to quickly reassure her. 

“Mom,” Nicole broke in again, “you keep telling me that I’m beautiful, right?”

“Absolutely. Sweetheart, that’s not…”

“And I’m beautiful just the way I am, right?” Nicole needed to control the conversation.

“Yes, honey…”

“Then why do I need to change? It doesn’t make me happier. If anything, it makes me miserable. So I don’t like wearing dresses, how is that the end of the world?”

“It isn’t the ‘end of the world,’” Dr. Lucado did the air quotes, “It’s something we think will help you to fit in better, at school, with your peers.”

“But maybe I don’t want to fit in with them, why should I have to change to make other people more comfortable with me. Why can’t they just accept me for who I am?”

“Well, Nicole, we can’t change the way others react to us, we can only change our own behavior,” Dr. Lucado explained.

“What’s so wrong with wanting to wear pants. You’re all wearing pants.” Nicole gestured around the room. 

“There’s nothing wrong with pants, but when that’s the only thing a young woman wants to wear, we become concerned.”

“Mom,” Nicole broke in. “Do you think I’m beautiful?”

“Of course, honey.”

“Even in pants?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love me, even in pants.”

“Sweetie, do you not feel loved by us?” She patted her father’s thigh.

“When I’m being asked to change who I am, so that some mean kids at school might be nicer to me, then no. I don’t feel like you see me. Like you don’t even want to see who I am, or what is important to me. You just brush off my feelings like they don’t matter, and then I don’t feel loved. I feel judged.”

Nicole’s hands were shaking again as she waited for her parent’s response. Her mom looked floored. As if she had never really seen Nicole before. Her father’s face looked rigid.

“Nicole, we sent you here with the understanding that you would participate in therapy and get better.” He spoke with authority, more authority even than Dr. Lucado. “It sounds like you’re not even trying. And we didn’t raise a quitter.”

That final word was a lightning strike. It was the flash point she needed.

Nicole clenched her jaw, steeled her resolve, and looked her dad in the eyes. “No, Dad. You didn’t. That’s why I’m going to explain this again. I don’t want the gender therapy. I’m done with it. Either you love me the way I am, or you don’t love me at all.”

Nicole let her ultimatum sit there and fill up the space between them. She kept her eyes focused solely on her father. This was a challenge for him.

“Honey, of course we love you,” her mom tried to break the tension, but Nicole continued to stare down her father. She wouldn’t be the first to blink. He was just as stubborn, and sat watching her without flinching. 

“I think we can all agree that your parents love you, Nicole.” Dr. Lucado spoke the words, but her father still didn’t drop his gaze. 

“I guess I have my answer,” Nicole muttered. She lowered her eyes and sat back in the chair. 

“Nicole!” Her mom sounded desperate. “Your father and I love you very much. We just want what’s best for you.”

Nicole’s face lifted and she looked her mom in the eyes. “But what about what I want?”

“What do you even know about that. You’re just a child,” her father answered. 

A retort died in Nicole’s throat. She knew exactly what she wanted, and her father couldn’t change that. A realization struck her, she wasn’t obligated to make her father happy. She had one more year under his roof, but then she was free. She could make her own decisions. She didn’t owe him her happiness; she didn’t even owe him an explanation. 

She took her first breath as an adult. And it felt good.

She felt strong.

“I want to check myself out tomorrow. I’m ready to come home.” 

“I understand your desire to leave, but I really think it’s best if you stay another week.” Dr. Lucado flipped open a file folder on her desk.

“No. I’m ready. I think I’ve learned a lot while here, but it’s time. I’ve learned that my self-worth doesn’t need to be tied to people who don’t understand me. Or don’t want to.” She looked at her dad. “I’ve made friends here who care about me. The real me. They’ve had my back, and now I want to have theirs.” Nicole looked over at Dr. Lucado. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m glad I came here. I think I needed it, but now it’s time. I’m ready to go.”

“How would you rate your depression on a scale of one to ten?” asked Dr. Lucado.

“Zero. I feel strong.”

“Do you feel like you might want to harm yourself?”

“Nope.”

“How will you deal with the girls at your school?”

“I’ll ignore them. They don’t matter.”

“Do you really think it will be that easy?”

“Yes. Because I have real friends now.” 

The conversation felt like a fast paced tennis match between her and Lucado. But to her amazement, Nicole didn’t feel intimidated. 

“Are you sure?” Dr. Lucado asked.

“Yes,” Nicole stated with confidence. There was a pregnant pause as Dr. Lucado looked from Nicole to her parents and back again.

“Ok,” She said finally. “If you feel ready to leave, I’ll draft up your discharge paperwork for tomorrow.” She looked back at her parents. “Does that work for you?”

“Nicole, honey, are you really sure? I don’t want you coming home, only to turn around and need to go right back in again.” Her mom pulled at the edge of her sweater. 

Her father turned his head to face the door and let out a sharp huff.

“I’m really sure. I want to come home and I want to start moving past this.”

“Ok honey. If you think that’s best. I can pick you up tomorrow. Your father will be at work, but I can be here.”

“Alright. Are we all in agreement that Nicole will be discharged tomorrow?” 

Nicole’s parents both nodded. 

“Then let’s discuss next steps. Nicole, I want you to see a therapist on a weekly basis as you transition back to school with the start of the new year. I have a list of therapists in your area, if it’s ok, I’d like to make some calls and set you up with an appointment before you leave tomorrow.”

“Oh, that would be so helpful,” Nicole’s mom said almost as a sigh. “I wouldn’t know where to begin looking for a therapist.”

The rest of the meeting drifted on with Lucado and her mom planning out her near-term future without her participation. But that didn’t bother Nicole. She did what she needed to do, said what she wanted to say. Her mom even seemed a little supportive. She knew her dad would be a different story, but that was ok. She could deal with that. He was always that way. But now it felt less powerful, he felt less powerful. And she felt strong.

When she made it back onto the unit, she looked around for X. Jeremy was sitting by himself on a couch on the A wing. 

Nicole sat down next to him. “Have you seen X?”

“He left.” Jeremy was staring off at the stereo blankly.

“What?”

“He left. He was mad you weren’t here, but he asked me to say goodbye to you and tell you to call him the second you leave.”

“He left?”

Jeremy nodded his head. He let out a slow breath. “Are you leaving, too?” He didn’t take his eyes from the stereo.

Nicole collapsed back into the couch. She let her eyes drift around the room. Jeremy looked like he was barely holding himself together. She didn’t want to tip his scale any farther. 

She wracked her brain thinking of ways to help him out. She knew the only way she got through her time there was because X and Waverly had her back. Even Wynonna, in her own way, had her back, too. How could she get Jeremy’s back, even if she wasn’t there? 

They needed to think he was straight. If they thought he was straight, maybe they wouldn’t bug him as much.

“Hey Jeremy,” Nicole said in a harsh whisper, pulling his attention from the stereo. “Will you be my boyfriend?” She looked around to make sure no staff could overhear her. 

“What?” Jeremy scrunched up his face in complete confusion. 

“Yes, I am leaving. But first, will you be my boyfriend?” Nicole leaned in to talk lightly in Jeremy’s ear. “If they think we’re dating, then they’ll leave you alone when I leave.”

A staff person spoke up from across the room. “Nicole, no whispering.” 

“Sorry.” She sat back up, but couldn’t help smiling. She looked over at Jeremy, who was still puzzled. “Be my boyfriend,” she said quietly.

“Won’t we get in trouble?”

“Nope. I’m leaving tomorrow, so just blame it on me.”

“Do you really think they’ll buy it?” Jeremy asked.

“Can’t hurt to try, right? Just envision it, your therapy is magically working, and so is mine.” Nicole laughed under breath. “They’ll love it.” 

A smile crept out across Jeremy’s face. “You’re insane. You know that. They’ll never believe that we’re dating.”

“I’ll take that bet.” Nicole held out her hand and Jeremy took it, shaking his head in disbelief. 

Back in her empty room, Nicole sat down at her desk. She pulled out her journal and looked over the note that X had written to her. All it had was his name, address, and phone number, but holding it in her hand felt like holding hope. She thought about the blue butterfly note she gave to Waverly and wondered if she was holding it and thinking about her. 

Before she could get too distracted with that train of thought, she tore out a piece of paper from her journal and started a note for Jeremy. 

Dear Jeremy,  
I can’t believe I met you and now I’m leaving so soon. I never thought I would meet a boy who totally understood me and didn’t mind who I am. I really like you and I hope you really like me too. I know this is really soon, but if I don’t ask you now, I’m afraid I’ll never get the chance. So here it goes. Will you be my boyfriend? Please say yes.   
Nicole  
PS. If you do want to go out with me, pass me a note before wrap-up tonight. Thanks.

She returned to the living room after folding up the note into a tight triangle. She slipped the note into her pocket waiting for the right time to give it to Jeremy. She wanted a staff person to see them, but she didn’t want them to know that she knew. It was a delicate game. 

Susan was sitting across from Jeremy. She was talking to another kid. Nicole picked up a deck of cards and sat down next to Jeremy. 

“Do you want to play spit?” she asked.

Jeremy studied her as he nodded his head. Nicole shuffled the deck and set up the game. Just before they started, Nicole gave Jeremy a quick wink and looked around the room. She was hoping to draw Susan’s attention to her. Then Nicole pulled the note out of her pocket, trying to be obvious without being too obvious, and she handed it to Jeremy with his spit deck. 

“Nicole, what did you just hand to Jeremy?”

Bingo. Nicole hid her inner glee, and quickly responded, “Nothing.”

“Let me see it,” Susan insisted, holding out her hand. She looked rather smug, like she had finally caught the cat in the canary cage. “Hand over the note.”

When Nicole looked over at Jeremy, his cheeks were flaming red. Perfect, thought Nicole. He tentatively handed over the note to Susan and gave Nicole a worried look when he sat back down. 

Susan rose and walked over to stand in the wing’s doorway. She opened the note, but turned her back on Nicole and Jeremy, so that they couldn’t read her expression.

The two of them sat in complete silence waiting to learn if their gamble worked. Nicole started to feel a little panic rise up through her stomach. 

What if she was wrong? What if this actually made Jeremy’s life harder? What if this blew up in her face? She heard Susan fold up the note. She turned back to the room and looked directly at Nicole. 

“Nicole. I’d like to speak to you in your room.” Her blue eyes were just as piercing, but this time with a hint of glee. 

Shit. Nicole wasn’t worried about getting in trouble herself. She was expecting it; in fact, that was part of the plan. She just didn’t want this to blow back on Jeremy.

She pulled herself from the couch without looking at anyone and followed Susan into her room. 

 

Ok, lay it on me, she thought as she walked into her room. This was what her new-found bravery was doing for her. Well, whatever it was, she could take it. She took a deep breath and sat down on Waverly’s empty bed across from Susan.

“I must admit, I’m quite surprised by your note,” Susan began. 

She didn’t buy it, of course she wouldn’t, Nicole chastised herself internally. Did I really think I could fool Susan?

“This wasn’t at all what I was expecting from you, given our earlier conversation.”

“Sorry,” Nicole mumbled.

“But I must say, I’m so pleased to see it.” A wide smile broke out across Susan’s face. 

Flummoxed. If Nicole had to pick a word to describe how she was feeling, it would be flummoxed. 

“Now as you know, it’s strict hospital policy that patients aren’t allowed to date anyone, but there’s no rule that says you can’t see each other once you’re both released.”

It felt like Nicole’s jaw fell into her lap.

“I honestly can’t tell you how happy this makes me.” Susan’s obvious joy made Nicole cringe. 

Is she pulling my leg? Is this a set up? A sting operation to see if Jeremy is in on it? These thoughts raced through Nicole’s head. “Uh, yeah,” she said, hesitantly. 

“I had my doubts that the therapy would help, but I see that I was wrong.” Susan hummed to herself as her eyes drifted to the ceiling. “I’m so happy for you, to find love while you were here.” She let out a happy little breath. “Well, I’m going to hang onto this note for now, but I’ll be sure to give it to Jeremy once you leave. That way everything is above-board.” 

“Thanks.” Nicole tried not to make it sound like a question. 

“That’s all. Now, no more talk about dating, or I will have to put you in timeout, but don’t worry. I’m on it.” She smiled once more, patting the note, then rose and walked out of the bedroom. 

Nicole flopped back on Waverly’s bed and wrinkled her brow in absolute astonishment. Susan should be able to detect a lie from a mile away, she thought. Working with teens so much, she should be a natural BS detector, but she was acting like she was all in, despite that fact that it went against the rules. 

Nicole shook her head in disbelief. You never can tell with adults. Sometimes they’re so ready to eat their own horseshit. 

 

Wrap up group felt empty that night. With Waverly gone, and Wynonna at the state hospital, the group was boring and staid. Depressed kids talking about depression. There was no color, no passion in the group without Waverly and Wynonna. 

That night, the bedroom felt hollow. It was too big and cold. When Brad poked his head in for the first check-in, Nicole waved at him and silently closed her eyes. She was ready to leave. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter would not be possible without the time and care shown by three individuals.
> 
> comelayinmybed- (@comelayinmybed on Twitter) I feel like I met a lifelong friend, not just another fic writer at expo. Thank you for all of your encouragement. 
> 
> LuckyWantsToKnow- (@LuckyWantsTo on Twitter) I'm not sure how I became so fortunate to end up with you as a beta reader, but I definitely count myself the luckier. I wish we could have met in person at expo because this feels like a poor way to express my gratitude for your assistance. 
> 
> DreadPirateBrown- (@DrdPiratebrown on Twitter) I finally got to hug you! And man, was that awesome. Thank you for shepherding me through this story.


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